Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

looking for help


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> looking for help Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
looking for help - 4/7/2009 10:10:12 AM   
unknowndeviant


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/7/2009
Status: offline 		Hi everyone,
im here looking for some help on becoming a good master.  if anyone has advice or maybe even be able to sugest something that might be in print that could help.  i would ask for a mentor but i dont know if thats something that a person would be willing to do for someone on here.  i am just asking for help and would love any and all that you people could give me on this.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 10:27:21 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

im here looking for some help on becoming a good master. if anyone has advice
Answer these questions for yourself. It's an 'open book' test. Find as many examples and 'answers' as you can; looking MORE closely at the ones NOT representing your philosophy going into the process. Know yourself first then progress from there.

These questions may help. Not a bad idea to journalize your answers for future reference as you gain knowledge and/or experience:
  • How do you define 'master'?
  • Why do you want to become a 'master'?
  • As a 'master'; what is your goal?
  • Describe your 'ideal' relationship
  • What would you do if you were to become a 'master' over someone?
  • Can you 'afford' to be a 'master'? (Not representing monetary assets, although you may have to consider $$$ contingent upon the dynamic you seek; but more pointed to being able to afford the mental and emotional responsibilities that come with being a 'master' over another.)
  • WHY do you want to be a 'master'? (Needs to be answered twice - once going in, and again coming out and applied to the self assessment.)

Nobody's answer will be relevant without you coming into the process with some personal benchmark of where you are. It helps to know that about yourself before starting a journey, 'master' or whatever label you seek validated, or help in obtaining.

Have FUN!

Good luck!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 4/7/2009 11:06:58 AM >

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 11:11:42 AM   
unknowndeviant


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/7/2009
Status: offline 		thank you Mercnbeth

to answer some of the things you wrote.  To me a master is someone who has control of ones self and is able to control others both mentaly and physicaly and to be able to take control of many different things.  Why do i want to become a master?  well i do like to have control of everything in my life no matter what it may be.  I do not like to submit to anything.  As a master my goal would be to control my girl friend "this is what she looks forword to me being able to do and wants me to totally dominate"  im not here looking for someone else to control just looking for help.  My ideal relationship is being able to not have to worry about someone straying looking for someone who can do the things im not able to do yet.  If i was a master over someone?  i have been looking and reading and researching on this before i even tried to start.  in a way im just starting to be a master to my girlfriend i just need to become better and learn.  I have always been there for her and have always delt with mental and emotional responsibilities that have come along.  I know that to some these answers might not be good but this is what i am. 

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 11:22:19 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Be true to yourself.

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 7:31:35 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Mercnbeth and Kana both gave you fabulous advice!

Here's my usual answer:

Take time.

Feel your way.

Everyone makes mistakes, so regarding your own mistakes and those of your partner: be quick to apologize, forgive, learn and move on.

Don't take yourself too seriously! Keep a good sense of humor. Be playful and joyous, and HAVE FUN!!!

Make your partner feel relaxed, safe and comfortable with you, and deeply cared for by you, so that trust can grow and flourish between you. Your sub or slave will need plenty of reassurances that you care and will take very good care of her. Remember she may be new and inexperienced, and you may be putting her in some  situations where she'll be very vulnerable. Calm here fears with your voice, touch and actions.

Trust will grow over time, so go slow. Take time.

Choose a sub who has a lot in common with you in vannila interests, and with whom you share similar views and have had similar experiences. Choose one whose kink matches yours,as much as possible. Talk about everything! And ASK QUESTIONS!

That's all I've got now. maybe I'll think of more later.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 4/7/2009 7:34:04 PM >

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 7:54:01 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Control yourself.  Set goals, and achieve them.

Barking orders can get subs hottt; but to inspire long-term loyalty, be good example.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: looking for help - 4/7/2009 8:04:37 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I'm coming at this from a relationship perspective rather than a play partner perspective. 
What traits do you inherently have that can translate into being a Master?  How does this stand to enhance your life and that of your partner(s)? 
What are the things that you currently view as impediments or limitations?  What is your approach for mastering these traits within yourself? 
I think that you need to find out what you have that fits with what you want and build from there. 
  Davan


_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: looking for help - 4/10/2009 10:06:25 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		If you flip through the "Unhappy Sub and Master in need of HELP " thread, you might get some additional thoughts. There might be some overlap. That thread was winding up as you posted your question, I think, so is probably somewhere close by.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: looking for help - 4/10/2009 11:09:51 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i would ask for a mentor


What would help, pardon the pun, is if you share with us why you (think you) need help? And if you do need help, what with? I think the first help you need is reading through profiles on CM, and seeing what information others provide about themselves. You don't provide any, neither in this posting nor on your profile, and I absolutely never help anyone who can't or won't express their needs and circumstances up front, without being asked.

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: looking for help - 4/10/2009 12:38:45 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		FR

Makes your own rules. Thats key, dont just blindly follow advice

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: looking for help - 4/10/2009 9:43:07 PM   
MasterRaid


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline 		there are many areas of study that you can research. Websites, books, Message Boards. The whole key is if you wish to be a Dominant you have to keep learning.  If you like I can forward a list or two of articles and whatnot for you to paruse at your own pace.

_____________________________

First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: looking for help - 4/11/2009 6:09:03 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: unknowndeviant

Hi everyone,
im here looking for some help on becoming a good master.  if anyone has advice or maybe even be able to sugest something that might be in print that could help.  i would ask for a mentor but i dont know if thats something that a person would be willing to do for someone on here.  i am just asking for help and would love any and all that you people could give me on this.


Greetings unknown,

Just bear with me and my long winded answer for it falls into place, maybe after you have read it 20 times. Sometimes what I think feels so damn good and when I put it onto the screen it goes south, so just bear with it.

I find that in being a Dom / Master / Owner the person MUST be themselves. If it takes you about 10 years to find the person whom you can bounce and have that little tingle with in just by touching each other with your hands, then it is worth it. Communication does not just come about overnight, it is WORK. It might be the first 10 females might find you a flake, does that mean you are not up for it, or does it mean that you and them did not match your criteria.

I have found that early in my life, that being a Dom / Master / Owner is like bringing in an um into the world. Let us face it, no matter how many books you have read, how many la mars classes you went to, how many seminars, once you have that fragile person in your hand for the first wash in the hospital room, you are shaking and slow, making sure you do not hurt them. I mean the person is new to the world, and you have brought the person to makes sure that they live life to the best of your ability, that you will die for their life, etc. The first smelly nappy for the young um, you will just change it. The sleepless nights, you will just soothe them. This is how you should be in trying to be a Dom / Master / Owner.

I mean you have to think on your feet. You really have to have 2-5 options for a situation that might happen, if it does not then so be it, but if it does you can handle it and just let it be a hurdle and not a brick wall. Make sure you have communication with the female, make a list soon after meeting, then see if you both match. If you have 100 things and 2 don't match, than that is cool, unless one is oral then put that back in...LOLOL.

You just have to take every day, one at a time. If you have control over things in such a way that you can set goals for maybe 10 months ahead, then so be it. If you can't, then DON'T, you can loose your word towards the other person and that is sometimes a deal breaker. Most inportantly, have fun.

Be well.

Frank Ar.


< Message edited by FrankAr -- 4/11/2009 6:11:07 AM >

_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: looking for help - 4/11/2009 6:43:19 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Read books on body language. Be able to tell what your sub is thinking without them saying it by how they hold their body and look. It is amazing to me that my Sir can tell how i am feeling two seconds inside the door, and it is all by body language. And if you are a sadist, it will help you even more when sessioning - to be able to tell where your sub is just by watching them.

Being a dom is not for the lazy or the faintofheart. After being in a D/s relationship 24/7 for the past three years, i am in awe at my Sirs ability to stay focused on what he wants, and has demanded. He doesn't have a lot of rules in place, but the ones he has, he keeps an eye on for consistancy on my part. I don't think i have ever seen him be too tired to be dom. because that isn't something he puts on, it is an integral part of who he is - he could no more not be dominant than breath.


(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: looking for help - 4/11/2009 9:30:58 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

rust will grow over time, so go slow. Take time.

Choose a sub who has a lot in common with you in vannila interests, and with whom you share similar views and have had similar experiences. Choose one whose kink matches yours,as much as possible. Talk about everything! And ASK QUESTIONS!


I second everything on this thread, especially ASK QUESTIONS!!!!!

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: looking for help - 4/23/2009 3:34:43 PM   
SirMoi


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/9/2004
Status: offline 		In my humble opinion, it's impossible to become a 'Master' unless you are involved in real life situations. You can't do it in cyberland.

Having said that, get involved in your local bdsm community and identify a Dom who appears to have everyone's respect, and who has a good reputation for integrity and skill in his craft. Watch and listen to that person as much as you possibly can. Perhaps try to get his attention and see if he will offer you personal advice.

Focus first on being a good Top, which means that you go to work on your skills (flogger, rope, etc).

As you develop your skills, try to find a play partner on whom you can practice. As I worked on my flogging proficiency, my Mentor bottomed for me. Talk about pressure to do it right!!! LOL

At the same time, and with permission from their Doms, ask many, many submissives what it means to them to be properly dominated. They'll have better information for you than many Doms will. Doms will teach you technique but subs will teach you the psychology behind loving domination and what makes them happy. You want a happy sub, don't you?

Finally, don't be in a rush to be a 'Master'. I don't think many people would have much confidence in the Captain of their 747 passenger jet if he's someone who got his pilot's license yesterday and has little experience. It takes a pilot a LONG time before he qualifies for that assignment.

When you think of the term 'Master', think of someone who has taken the time to develop his skills and who has earned the respect of his local bdsm community. That's what you should strive for, not an instant title that may ring hollow.

I'm sure that every bdsm group has a brand new person who anoints himself with the title, 'Lord Master Muckety Muck'. Don't go there. Work on your craft first.

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: looking for help - 4/23/2009 5:36:35 PM   
slave2train4pain


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/21/2009
Status: offline 		From a sub/slave side be honest at all times.  A good relationship needs trust which takes a while to build up but can be broken on a second!

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: looking for help - 4/23/2009 8:18:08 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		yeah, what Merc said. 

I'd especiall like to highlight his point #3...  as a 'master' what is your goal?

One of the fundamental truisms of leadership of any stripe is that you can't lead if you're not going anywhere.  So some girl drops to her knees and pledges her entire self to you eternally.  Great... you got a girl.  The question now becomes, what are you going to do with her?  The scope of your goals and plans had better match the scope of the submission in question.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: looking for help - 4/24/2009 7:34:57 AM   
Interesdom


Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
These questions may help. Not a bad idea to journalize your answers for future reference as you gain knowledge and/or experience:
  • How do you define 'master'?
  • Why do you want to become a 'master'?
  • As a 'master'; what is your goal?
  • Describe your 'ideal' relationship
  • What would you do if you were to become a 'master' over someone?
  • Can you 'afford' to be a 'master'? (Not representing monetary assets, although you may have to consider $$$ contingent upon the dynamic you seek; but more pointed to being able to afford the mental and emotional responsibilities that come with being a 'master' over another.)
  • WHY do you want to be a 'master'? (Needs to be answered twice - once going in, and again coming out and applied to the self assessment.)


I think that if submissives/slaves asked these sorts of questions of potential masters or mistresses they would learn a great deal and make much more rational decisions.  The same the other way around, too.  Instead, I often find a huge lack of questioning from a prospective submissive and even an unwillingness to answer searching questions.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: looking for help - 4/24/2009 8:51:26 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Another tip.

Don't dish out what you can't take. It can help you not go "to far" with someone.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: looking for help - 4/25/2009 7:30:35 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		you have to be in self control before you can control others

(in reply to unknowndeviant)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> looking for help Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078