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curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 8:38:16 AM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		Hi all who are out there taking the time to read this. I am finally going to take the time and write. I've been doing some research on dom/sub for a while now because of my and my boyfriends curiosity on this subject. Hopefully someone wouldn't mind taking the time to reply, I would appreciate it.

I have to admit that my boyfriend, B is much kinkier than me. I definitely enjoy it, I just don't tend to think of it first. He is wanting to be dominated, however I don't think he realizes that in order for that to happen he has to relinquish the power. Or maybe at the same time I really need to just take it? It is difficult for me to do so since he is nearly a foot taller than me, and obviously has more physical strength.

We've talked about this a bit, and he doesn't seem to understand that while he wants to be submissive, he says "sex is as far as it goes" So for him, a lifestyle of being a sub is out of the question. (which doesn't surprise me with the way he is) One of my questions for everyone out there.... is it even possible to be submissive and only have it be about sex? Would being a slave outside the bedroom be a hard limit?

I'll apologize now if I sound stupid or if you see these questions all the time. I am just genuinely curious and uneducated in this area and thought that you would be the best place to go for some answers.

As for me, I get excited about the idea of being a dom, but sometimes I feel my confidence is lacking. And also at the same time, since I've never been a tiny frail girl, I also like the idea of being dominated and overpowered.

Am I just wanting to be a "lazy" kink? I dunno, I guess that could be possible.

Anyway... I guess I'm just curious about how things work... I appreciate any feedback.
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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 9:21:37 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		You might be confused because both of you are using inappropriate terms that may lead you in the wrong direction if you're trying to research this thing on the web.

Try looking up information for "tops" and "bottoms"...this is limiting kink to what you do sexually or otherwise when it doesn't actually apply in a power structure. And that might be a little of what you're feeling. He's not looking to submit or be dominated, rather he's looking to have things done to him that meets along his line of kink, which is cool.

Like I said...I think you're looking in the wrong direction because you haven't been exposed to the right vocabulary.

boi
Future ruler of the universe serving MsKitty


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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 9:35:44 AM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		Goodness, that makes a lot more sense!
I feel that you have hit the mark exactly. Now I feel silly for not figuring it out myself. Haha.
Thanks a ton for the insight. And now I shall do more researching accordingly.


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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 9:44:05 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		No problem...there's a couple of books I suggest finding and reading...both of your...

The Topping book
The Bottoming book

seriously those are the titles of the books...they should give you some of the insight you're looking for.

boi
future ruler of the Universe serving MsK


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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 9:49:09 AM   
malloves69


Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		start playing with his ass ...a few innocent female fingers go along way  if he likes that introduce him to butt plugs and then dildos ...if he likes that and wants more buy a strapon  oh yes too find his prostate with your fingers not to far in his ass ...after that he will be putty in your skillfull hands  at least i was ...from strapons ..bigger sizes next cums fisting him if thats not too kinky for you ..trust me he will love it ...they used to say a true way to get a good man was cooking a good meal for him i say its threw his ass ...feels great ..you can take turns on each other  the skys the limit ..have fun enjoy mal

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 9:58:52 AM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		boi... thanks, I'm looking into it now :D

mall... we've tread those waters, many-a times..

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 10:03:11 AM   
malloves69


Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		a womans touch can make submitting to a woman  lots of fun indeed the power of the pussy  is a wonderfull thing indeed  mal

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 5:25:25 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Domination is often more mental than physical so don't let his height be a block.  Many subs are submissive only for "sessions", and since a session might be basically sexually based with a little kink thrown in he would be doing what many others do.  That's the quick and easy answer.  BoiJen already gave you the one that takes more time.  : )  Good Boi!

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 5:50:57 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I once had a boyfriend (originally vanilla) who wanted Me to dominate him....unfortunately for him, I am NOT just a bedroom top.  He and I have since parted ways and I've got a great switch playing sub/slave OUTSIDE the bedroom now.  This works for Me because My dominating style is mostly of the protocol and mental variety.  The bedroom play to Me is a completely different scene than what goes on in the rest of the house, we both get to blow off a lot of steam there ;)

Lady Jag

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 6:55:16 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		chamber... yeah, I try to ignore the height issue and focus on other things...
I guess like what boi said, I was focusing too much on the terms and when I was exploring I wasn't finding what I was expecting. and thus getting confused and frustrated. since that post from boi though... I have been reading furiously, hehehe
I am just one of those really anal people... and since this is his "thing" I just want to know as much as I can to please him
(which, when I think about it... it makes me feel more like a bottom even though in the situation I would be the top... figuring out everything that I can do to make it kinky enough for him)

I just think WAY too damn much... haha


Psy... yeah, it is nice to have that different attitude from real life and in the bedroom. I guess it is hard for me to dominate in the bedroom, because I get so used to submitting elsewhere. However, I do have my moments. I just think he wants me to have more of them.

Thanks to you both for the insight :D


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kinkykate

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 7:25:56 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		BDSM means different things to different people: to spice up ordinary sex or for recreation, a part or primary mode of sexual and/or romantic expression, a means to spiritual fulfillment, more. It is up to each couple to decide what it means for them, and whether their individual philosophies are compatible.

It seems that for him, it is presently part of his sexual expression, which is a valid scenario. If you think of it less than he does, I am unsure whether you would want to engage in it on a 24/7 basis. I think your current approach--to begin in the bedroom--is a fair one and will allow you two to see whether you two wish to take it beyond the bedroom.

In BDSM, power comes from desire. It is not essential to physically overpower him. However, for some people it has to feel somewhat real, or there is a need to achieve the mindset somehow. You might (1) focus on harnessing the power allowed by his desires, and (2) consider rituals that help each of you achieve your respective headspaces.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 8:25:51 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		You could try the Satnav approach. Have you ever noticed that the Satnav system uses the voice of a sexy woman to direct the male driver along streets? No need for the voice of the girlfriend or wife, because a sexy feminine voice now gives directions ... at this junction turn left sort of thing. Of course if the driver misses his turning the voice transforms itself into that of your mother Now you get your ass back there and turn right.

You could try see if this works with household chores. The trash.. says you seductively needs taking out or The dishes need washing.

YMMV, but it might be a suggestion.

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 8:48:45 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		Sea-
that is incredibly insightful :)
I don't think I would mind taking it outside the bedroom. I think he however, wouldn't enjoy that. His upbringing has made him pretty spoiled, and I think he would rather be doted on... instead of being a slave to me.(Which I don't mind at all, I knew what I was getting into, ha) Dominance and kink are things that I can enjoy, but I'm one of those ladies that enjoy a tender lover on occasion as well. Where as I think he could have the kink twice a day, if not more.  I definitely think I need to find that ritual that helps me get my head and... other things... into that dom mindset, and that should help do the trick.
Thanks :)


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kinkykate

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 8:49:52 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		stella.... hahaha, you are so right..
I've actually unknowingly used that before. and it definitely works ;)


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kinkykate

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/10/2009 10:14:57 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Sure, someone can prefer to only be submissively sexually as opposed to across the board. 
As for the size difference between you and your partner,  it needn't matter unless you allow it to.  I prefer men that are at least a foot taller than me (Regardless of D/s dynamics or lack there-of) and occasions where I've gotten to 'manhandle' or be Dominant toward someone who is so obviously physically stronger than me, it is a big rush and groovy headspace.  Saying things that enhance their headspace of being submissive while also doing things that are physically powerful for you can go a long way.  Hmmm, an example...ooh, here's a good one: I'm a big fan of strap-ons, so the scenario involved me behind someone who outweighed me by oh, 80 lbs or so and was 14 inches taller than me.  He was up on his knees and I had my hands looped up under his arms, pulling his torso back toward me as I was f*&king him, and while I can't remember exactly what I was saying, I'm sure it was something along the lines of him being My b*tch and that his a** was Mine, you get the idea.  Okay, now I'm off to ponder that happy thought....
Best wishes, 
  Davan

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/11/2009 3:26:42 AM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

kinkme43 wrote:
I don't think I would mind taking it outside the bedroom. I think he however, wouldn't enjoy that. His upbringing has made him pretty spoiled, and I think he would rather be doted on... instead of being a slave to me.(Which I don't mind at all, I knew what I was getting into, ha) Dominance and kink are things that I can enjoy, but I'm one of those ladies that enjoy a tender lover on occasion as well.

The two are in no way mutually exclusive.  Kita and I have a very loving 24/7 relationship, albeit mostly at a distance.  When we're together, we spend a lot of time kissing and cuddling and she spoils me rotten.  Nonetheless, she is very definitely my Mistress all the time, even if nothing kinky is going on.

There really aren't any rules to this sort of thing: it's your relationship and you're free to arrange it in whatever way is satisfying to the two of you.

beeble.


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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/11/2009 12:10:06 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		Davan....
hehe, that is a fun thought. I tend to start off that way... get my head in the mindset of how I want to be, and then after a little while it's like all my thoughts disappear. I need to figure out what triggers in me to back off, and kick it's ass.
I just need to relax...

But, I shall take your insight and run with it tonight... no "hopefully"s ... I just WILL.
:D


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kinkykate

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/11/2009 12:11:44 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		beeble,
maybe that's my problem, assuming there are so many rules... when I should just be making things up as I go...
I can't imagine anything bad happening from that... maybe some interesting things though...


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kinkykate

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/11/2009 3:08:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		On the height issue, I'm 5'2" and My sub is 6'3".  I'll just say what I always do.  The boy isn't taller than Me when he's on his knees.

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RE: curiosity killed the cat? hopefully not... - 4/11/2009 3:17:24 PM   
kinkme43


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		lady...
ooooh, soo true



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kinkykate

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