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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 4:15:44 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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quote:

I've been wondering why Dommes feel the need to explain what their "limits" are

So that the sub/slave who hopes to be collared knows ahead of time what she enjoys. In order for these relationships to have a hope of being successful the pair (or more) involved need to be on the same page. Not all slaves are just going to blindly accept what a Domme desires from them. Everyone has limits they just change from person to person.

~Lashra

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Post #: 21

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 4:30:32 PM

malloves69

Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

being a sub male ..do you know how many of my limits my mistress has changed for me ?

after playing 6 plus years ...many

do you know how many of hers i have changed ? none ---lol ...the things us sub males do to keep our mistresses happy

have fun ..mal

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 22

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 4:31:47 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsubtle

But, since the dominant is in control, they don't need to worry about their limits because they decide what happens anyway.

Thoughts?

Think of this as a courtesy towards you. Before getting involved the Dominant is telling you what she wont do.....Ever.

You are correct in as much as she doesnt "Need" to do this, but what about if she prefers to list limits. Wouldn`t that be her perogative ?

(in reply to subsubtle)

Post #: 23

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 5:32:03 PM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

But, since the dominant is in control, they don't need to worry about their limits because they decide what happens anyway.

i ask a sub/slave about their hard limits...most times they r in line w/ mine. otherwise, i dont speak of them often unless a sub/slave tells me that must have, for example, is blood play, then i say that is a hard limit.

that is pretty much how i deal or speak about limits.

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Post #: 24

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 7:29:35 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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...because most of us are canvassed by the subs who want to have their cocks and balls removed and hung on the door of the cage they want to be kept in, in the basement 24/7...

I can assure you, by the time you are talking, have met or spent time together--limits become a mute point as communication has taken over.

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Post #: 25

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/12/2009 8:55:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsubtle

Perhaps this will end up being an argument in semantics but oh well.

I've been wondering why Dommes feel the need to explain what their "limits" are. As a sub, I would never want to do anything that I knew my Mistress did not enjoy, let alone something she hated. Similarly, if she's in charge, she wouldn't have to list her limits. She would simply have to say "These are things we will not do." She's in charge so it's up to her. To me, a limit is something that I ask not to be ordered to do because I can't do it or I would hate it. But, since the dominant is in control, they don't need to worry about their limits because they decide what happens anyway.

Thoughts?

Because when you are in the early stages before you have a relationship you both need to be honest about everything. If her limits happen to be activities or concepts that you need then you aren't compatible and if you don't know this in advance I'd say that you can't honestly consent to be in that dynamic. I think consent needs to be informed and mutual for this to work out well. If you aren't told things you cannot be informed.

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(in reply to subsubtle)

Post #: 26

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 5:10:07 AM

AlphaFatale

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/11/2009
Status: offline

Because by clearly stating ones limits, compatibility can be achieved.

Not every sub is like you, there are a lot of SAMs or subs who are into just a specific fantasy, such as if someone is a toilet and My hard limit is toilet training then it's just not going to work out.

Of course I like a real, service oriented sub, who puts My needs first. However there is subs who strongly feel about one aspect or another of play that they feel that they cannot live without. I would argue that those are not really slaves or subs, yet fetishists. Maybe even with a fetish for submission.

Either way: Good luck

(in reply to subsubtle)

Post #: 27

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 6:00:02 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsubtle

Perhaps this will end up being an argument in semantics but oh well.

I've been wondering why Dommes feel the need to explain what their "limits" are. As a sub, I would never want to do anything that I knew my Mistress did not enjoy, let alone something she hated. Similarly, if she's in charge, she wouldn't have to list her limits. She would simply have to say "These are things we will not do." She's in charge so it's up to her. To me, a limit is something that I ask not to be ordered to do because I can't do it or I would hate it. But, since the dominant is in control, they don't need to worry about their limits because they decide what happens anyway.

Thoughts?

My first question with a sub is what are your limits.
That's also a test how sane people are.

And I do love that subs do have a brain too,
and not automaticly count on their Dom/me.
Since you never know what their limits are.

My limits are blood, kids, animals, scat, marks,
needles.
I've spoken to enough people who said they we're
into one or more from that list, and that isn't the kind
of people I want to be around with.

So B happy that We have limits.
And take good care of your self.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

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(in reply to subsubtle)

Post #: 28

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 6:07:08 AM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
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I also agree with this, and have always been puzzled by Dominants that disclose some areas as hard limits.

I do not have any hard limits, fact being I only do what I wish to do, my subs/players or masochists have to gel with my likes, end of

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Post #: 29

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 10:27:12 AM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: I also agree with this, and have always been puzzled by Dominants that disclose some areas as hard limits.

It's just like a submissive disclosing hard limits -- things that the Domme can't see herself ever even considering. Soft limits, on the other hand, could be things that don't do much for her per se but she might, for example, consider doing it if it got an interesting reaction from a sub or perhaps as a reward. Subs can use these things to gauge compatibility.

beeble.

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(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 30

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 12:24:03 PM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

I understand that some Dominant's may have areas they wish not to ever venture, as subs do.

Maybe I am struggling with the actual word "limit" from the Dominant's prospective

In contrast, I only engage in activities I have interest in and I enjoy, and subs/players adhere to that, as a match for compatibility.

Of course the overall compatabilty goes way beyond activities, or interests, just seems weird to me that a Dominant would even mention anything they would never wish to engage in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: beeble

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: I also agree with this, and have always been puzzled by Dominants that disclose some areas as hard limits.

It's just like a submissive disclosing hard limits -- things that the Domme can't see herself ever even considering. Soft limits, on the other hand, could be things that don't do much for her per se but she might, for example, consider doing it if it got an interesting reaction from a sub or perhaps as a reward. Subs can use these things to gauge compatibility.

beeble.

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Post #: 31

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 1:47:27 PM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: I understand that some Dominant's may have areas they wish not to ever venture, as subs do.

Maybe I am struggling with the actual word "limit" from the Dominant's prospective

How's it different from a sub's limits? `An activity I will not take part in under any circumstances.' OK, so in a dominant's case, it's more `Things I won't do to you' rather than `things I won't let you do to me' but I don't think there's such a fundamental difference there.

quote:

Of course the overall compatabilty goes way beyond activities, or interests, just seems weird to me that a Dominant would even mention anything they would never wish to engage in.

How can it hurt anyone to mention up front that you won't do X in a million years, so that all the X-fetishists who bother to read your profile (ha!) will know that you're not the Domme for them?

beeble.

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Kita's owned slutpet.

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 32

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 2:32:20 PM

Kita

Posts: 30
Joined: 1/11/2009
From: Lincoln, NE
Status: offline

quote:

MistressRouge said:
Maybe I am struggling with the actual word "limit" from the Dominant's prospective
<snip>
Of course the overall compatabilty goes way beyond activities, or interests, just seems weird to me that a Dominant would even mention anything they would never wish to engage in.

I think using "limit" is a good guide to say "I will never want to go there so if you want that, I'm not the D for you." The same with your second statement as, for example, I never wish to engage in scat which will carry with it the above line (therefore, if you ever want that, I am not the D for you...)

Not everybody is upfront with what they REALLY want out of a relationship or interaction. They may think they can fly a bit under the radar and be appealing enough that maybe the D will want this other thing, the thing they (the sub/bottom/whoever) _really_ want.

Now there are things like foot worship where I could deal with it if it wasn't a true fetish for the sub (because personally I don't care for that much attn being given to my feet, but it's a preference, not a "hard limit"), but many people with certain fetishes are into it to a degree where that's the overwhelming M.O. of their submission (cucks, sissies, masochists, etc.)

I just think saying something is a "limit" is to stress something beyond "I don't care for that." Sure, limits change and I'm all for exploring new things, but there are still some things which qualify as hard limits that I will *never* do, no way, no how.

-Kita-

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Post #: 33

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 2:38:52 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I know I struggled for a few moments on the wording of limit's for myself as a dominant. I guess I just never put that word to use. lol I reasoned it out though and it was a fitting word to use for those things I won't do or don't care for... but it took a moment of reflection to get there. Odd... but true. lol

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Post #: 34

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 2:39:52 PM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
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Again, I feel it is unneccessary information, may even tarnish the overall dynamic to even mention that I have soft, hard limits.

Sorry, still dont get it

Maybe it's the fact that I attract those in sync to my ideals/activities anyway, so have never even pondered on having any Dominant erm limits (ha!).

I get contact and a simple yes, or no should suffice. Me droning on about what, how and why I do not partake in some activities, is not really important to me.

I prefer to focus on what I enjoy indulging in, not disclosing what I don't or labelling them, as limits, soft, hard or otherwise.

quote:

ORIGINAL: beeble

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: I understand that some Dominant's may have areas they wish not to ever venture, as subs do.

Maybe I am struggling with the actual word "limit" from the Dominant's prospective

How's it different from a sub's limits? `An activity I will not take part in under any circumstances.' OK, so in a dominant's case, it's more `Things I won't do to you' rather than `things I won't let you do to me' but I don't think there's such a fundamental difference there.

quote:

Of course the overall compatabilty goes way beyond activities, or interests, just seems weird to me that a Dominant would even mention anything they would never wish to engage in.

How can it hurt anyone to mention up front that you won't do X in a million years, so that all the X-fetishists who bother to read your profile (ha!) will know that you're not the Domme for them?

beeble.

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Post #: 35

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 3:24:44 PM

StrictMistressK

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/10/2007
Status: offline

Hello all,
I would like to give My personal view into this matter of "why do Dommes need to have limits" question. Perhaps, I may be mis-understanding the actual question...as it appears that it is saying 'that the Domme has the limits.' In My opinion... both the Domme AND the sub...have the right to set limits...as to what either/or will or will NOT pertake in either doing to someone else or having done to them.
As a lifestyle Domme for more yrs. that I dare think about (18 as I recall) there are certain things that I just will NOT do to another person...and some of those being no children, no scat, no burning of the flesh, no using knives or needles on someone else's body or anything considered illegal...and I have done a great deal of things...in those 18 yrs.
BUT one does have to have... their limits, I feel. Some subs, have limits that they will not suck a real cock, even though they don't have a problem sucking a fake one, No anal-play or oral sex with another male, no permnant markings...just to name a few... I have approved, as they requested these limits. Also, limits...are a way of retaining ones "Respect" of what they are willing to do or not do.
I discuss both soft and hard limits with a new sub and explain that the 'soft limit' are some things that they would not feel threatened by and want those limits pushed as they would not themselves go out and do those lthings on their own...BUT...have the desire to... should they feel...they have no choice when the matter arises...it seems OK when/if the Domme is there...saying to DO this now. Not to mention, sometimes it is a GREAT turn on to the sub to feel that they have No Choice in this matter NOW...and will obey the Domme. Is it a mind thing? One could say Yes.
Hard limits are NEVER pushed as those have been discussed previously. We are ALL adults here...and should RESPECT the rights of each other... even IN the BDSM world...that we LOVE going to.

So lets all have our limits and be OK with that.

Thanks for allowing Me to say... what I feel, about this subject.
MsK

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 36

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 3:58:26 PM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: Again, I feel it is unneccessary information, may even tarnish the overall dynamic to even mention that I have soft, hard limits.

I don't see how it can be harmful to mention relevant information.

Also, the parts of your profile that say, ` I do not cater for online Domination, Financial slavery, or cyber training' and `I have no desire or need for 24/7 or submissive's seeking a romance, or relationship' look a lot like limits to me.

quote:

I get contact and a simple yes, or no should suffice. Me droning on about what, how and why I do not partake in some activities, is not really important to me.

Who said anything about droning? I've quoted two simple sentences and snipped one and a half more. It's just a short paragraph that probably takes less than 10% of your profile.

beeble.

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Post #: 37

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 4:06:28 PM

MissEnchanted

Posts: 510
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

I'd like to know if my prospective dominant was into cannibalism or not

..besides I think you could just as well ask the question why do submissives need to have limits. It helps you see whether you're compatible or not.

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 38

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 5:47:18 PM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

I do not, and never have considered my preferences as limits, and never will never describe them as such.

The profile information you quote are not my limits, they are my preferences, and as described on my profile are effective, without my labelling them as "limits".

I know if I sat one of my subs, or one of my slave's down, and reeled off, "well this is my soft limit, and that is my hard limit" comprendo! I know, without a doubt, it would alter the dynamic for them, the D/s especially.

My submissive's would never test, push or coax me to engage in activities that are not my thing, they wouldnt dare for one lol.

Also the fact they offer themselves knowing I do not play with safewords too, I am lucky maybe I have many offer themselves completely, some without lists of limits, some with maybe one or two.

I would rather ascertain my subs/players/slave's limits, I have no reason to disclose mine, if I have any.

I am pleased to say many of mine, have also smashed a few of their own soft & hard limits over the years, so I would rather explore and indulge in them, on their journey, then add anymore confusion with label this, label that.

I hate labels anyway

quote:

ORIGINAL: beeble

quote:

MistressRouge wrote: Again, I feel it is unneccessary information, may even tarnish the overall dynamic to even mention that I have soft, hard limits.

I don't see how it can be harmful to mention relevant information.

Also, the parts of your profile that say, ` I do not cater for online Domination, Financial slavery, or cyber training' and `I have no desire or need for 24/7 or submissive's seeking a romance, or relationship' look a lot like limits to me.

quote:

I get contact and a simple yes, or no should suffice. Me droning on about what, how and why I do not partake in some activities, is not really important to me.

Who said anything about droning? I've quoted two simple sentences and snipped one and a half more. It's just a short paragraph that probably takes less than 10% of your profile.

beeble.

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Post #: 39

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/13/2009 7:53:16 PM

MissVaughn

Posts: 13
Joined: 4/13/2009
From: USA
Status: offline

Compatibility factor, as someone said above.

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Post #: 40

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