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BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:25:40 PM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Hello;

I've not posted before, but I've lurked for a while to get the lay of the land. I have seen similar topics such as this provoke heated discussion on other boards in the past, but they haven't really encapsulated my situation, hence my post.

I'm a happily married man (yeah, aren't they all...?) and I've been with my wife for about 12 years. In that time, I have had open, and frank discussions with my partner about my preferences, and my desire to explore my masochistic and submissive side. I haven't quite gone into explicit detail, but she is in no doubt as to the sort of thing I find intriguing.

She, as openly and frankly as I, has stated she has absolutely no interest in BDSM at all. I accept this, and when I have tried to introduce even very mild elements into our relationship, she has identified them and explicitly rejected them.

I am happy to respect her boundaries, but at the same time feel constrained (and not in a good way!) by her rejection of my feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you find any way to overcome it? The obvious (and morally dubious) solution is to meet someone else, but this feels wrong, and I'm sure no-one would want to engage with me under such circumstances.

I could simply go to a pro-domme, but this feels even worse, and plus the level of expenditure that sustaining such an experience would entail would be quickly noticed.

I am sort of resigned to repression - I love my wife dearly, but feel stifled at the same time.

Am I simply being juvenile in hoping to reach a 'best-of-all worlds' solution?

Post #: 1

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:31:58 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

Well, I am a dominant woman with a dominant husband. So we look for submissive secondary partners, and are still quite happy together.

It might be that you could find a lady who would enjoy dominating you on occasion, and enjoy, and even view as a positive, that she does not have to be your primary partner.

But this conversation, that you need to explore this, and you need to do it outside your marriage, needs to happen with your wife before you do anything else, and you have to get her consent and permission and cooperation in this, or you will wind up divorced and very unhappy altogether. I recommend doing extensive reading with polyamory, and discussion with polyamorous sorts, before you so much as try to find a pro-domme or start seriously looking on here or elsewhere.

_____________________________

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(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 2

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:34:57 PM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Thank you for that. One of the first things I wanted to check was that I wasn't being completely ridiculous and shouldn't just shut up and put up.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Post #: 3

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:52:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I would say you have very few options..cheat on your wife and deal with the fallout that will happen..and it will happen...

Ask her for an open relationship and from the sounds of it that's probably not likely...

Enjoy the life you have and remember why you married her in the first place.....

Or walk away from you marriage so that you don't hurt your wife and you both can move on to the types of lives you wish to have.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 4

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:55:17 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I will add that a lot of tension went out of our marriage when we identified this need within me and within him, and recognized that we can't meet each other's need in this regard. I don't expect him to be my best girlfriend, I don't expect him to be my collared slave, he is my friend and my husband and lover.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 5

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 3:56:14 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Since your wife knows about your desires and has no interest in them, why not ask her how she would feel about you pursuing an extramarital relationship with someone who could meet your submissive needs.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 6

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 4:41:37 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

To take marie2's comment one step further, why don't you think about whether or not a non-sexual outside relationship may be right for you. I have had sessions with married male subs. They are to be naked but my rule is that they may never reach out to touch me unless I command it. I stay fully dressed. I will fulfill their desires and will allow them to masturbate when I am ready, but they will not have sex with me. (That's my own personal choice. I am in no way saying that it is the right way.) They get what they need from a Domme, have not "cheated" on their spouse, and I leave them with the command to go out of their way to please their wives sexually that night no matter what she wants. We all win.

They key is honesty. Be honest with your wife about what you would like to do, be honest with the Domme about your situation, and be honest with yourself in how far you really want a session to go.

_____________________________

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 7

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 5:32:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You need to talk to your wife about how you can safely fulfill your needs without destroying the marriage. She may be okay with you playing at public play spaces, or playing only nonsexually with prodommes. Or providing service without sex.

However be prepared that she may be totally unable to accept this and prefer to end the marriage.

_____________________________

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 8

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 5:45:23 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

You only have one life.

Live so that you'll have no regrets.

What would you regret the most? Don't do that.

What would make you happier in the long run? Do that.

Me, I can't be vanilla. Been there, done that. Vanilla marriage doesn't work for me. Its just not enough.

What do you need?

You have a right to have your needs properly addressed, IMHO.

_____________________________

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(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 9

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 7:05:39 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I feel for you and wanted to commend you for the way that you're facing up to your unhappy situation and being determined to find the best way through it.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 10

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 7:12:08 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

I've been in your shoes. It sucks. I like the responses so far, as they're balanced, yet counter to each other in some respects. Just like the problem you face. She's N-E-V-E-R gonna go kinky and you're never gonna go vanilla. Keep that in mind. Remind yourself that there are literally tens of thousands of others like you whose wives do not fulfill their needs ... and then figure out what it is that they do to get their basic carnal needs met. (Hint: Someone is keeping all those professionals in business and if it's not you, then it's tens of thousand of others, each hour of each day in each city in the world).

Good luck! You'll be ok 'cuz you'll get your needs met. With or without her.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 7:18:24 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I was also married to a partner who wasn't into BDSM. A good submissive provides service, and there is no reason you can't be a service submissive to your wife. Do simple extra gestures. Take the family away for a few hours so she can relax. Do an extra chore you don't normally do. Make it your job to make her happy.

As for exploring your masochist desires, why don't you talk to your wife about it? Perhaps she would be okay if you found a partner for just that....sex not included. I know of married people who have regular play partners their spouses know of. It's not an unusual situation at all. Spouses are even known to actually become friends with the play partner.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 12

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 8:24:56 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

her rejection of my feelings

You need to, in my view, desperately learn the difference between personality and rejection. She hasn't rejected anything, she doesn't have an interest - some people don't like to go to the beach. I can imagine you feel stifled, but you really need to understand that you are doing the stifling.. You say you talked to her, she said "no" (look up what rejection means), and you then introduced "mild elements"? Into the relationship (what happened to sex?)?

I do believe you are submissive, and if that is very important to you, maybe you should look for a suitable partner. I love a few people, but that does not mean I have to be married to them...

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 13

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 8:31:39 PM

Kaiel

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

You only have one life.

Live so that you'll have no regrets.

What would you regret the most? Don't do that.

What would make you happier in the long run? Do that.

Me, I can't be vanilla. Been there, done that. Vanilla marriage doesn't work for me. Its just not enough.

What do you need?

You have a right to have your needs properly addressed, IMHO.

I totally agree!! Don't deny yourself, you... for the sake of someone else. Speak to her openly and honestly, tell her what your needs are and go to her with a solution, as a poster said, maybe a pro or public place to play, serve and fulfill your needs. But, if you really are in your soul a submissive, your desire to serve should not be stifled.

_____________________________

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(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 14

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 8:32:54 PM

MarsBonfire

Posts: 1034
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

My wife and I started out trying to do the "Ozzie and Harriet" thing, with me basically trying to shelve my bisexuality, and my intrest in BDSM. We managed about 7 years before we were on the verge of splitting up. Even before that we tried counseling, abstinence, her trying to be kinky, me trying to be vanilla... none of it worked. Lucky for me, my wife is an incredibly understanding person and we finally tried "open relationship" as a last ditch effort.

Surprise! It works fine. With a little tweaking of rules and etiquette, we now have a very happy and relatively stable life together, which includes occasional playmates.

You might want to read Dossie Easton's "Ethical Slut" book. I'm not saying this is the solution for you... but it has had a good outcome for us over the last 24 years.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 15

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/14/2009 8:41:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My best suggestion for you would be a hope of some type of arrangement where your wife can have the vanilla you, while you be allowed to serve a Dominant for the submissive you. If poly or an open relationship can be obtained, you might want to try to go in that direction.

Before I say another word, I'm going to tell you that I do not advocate lying or cheating to get your needs met. If some kind of poly arrangement can't be reached, I think it is better for you to make a decision. Either stay in the vanilla relationship and forget the kink, or leave the vanilla and go for kinky.

With that in mind, since she is not going to go kinky for your sake (which I don't really recommend either) I would say that it's time to start looking at other options. It is possible for you to play or serve in some capacity that she could accept? Is there some kind of compromise that can be reached?

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to MarsBonfire)

Post #: 16

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 2:59:40 AM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Thank you for all your comments, food for thought indeed.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 5:28:05 AM

SirJ40

Posts: 164
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline

You say you're a happily married man.. and then describe what sounds like a pretty unhappy situation.
I don't agree with you having to repress yourself in order to fit into her comfort zone. If she won't expand her mind to fulfill you, can't care enough about your desires to at least entertain conversation, or experiment a little... you have a problem.
More communication is necessary.. explain to her that if she's not willing to work WITH you on this, you're willing to work on it without her.. stress to her how important this is.
There is no reason in a marriage for one partner to ignore the significant wants and needs of the other like this.. yes, it happens all the time.. but that doesn't make it right.
You're going to have to explain, down to telling her you'd be willing to cheat on her to fulfill this. Maybe that will drive it home to her.
I wish you the best of luck

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 18

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 8:05:11 AM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

Marriages are not perfect. Marriage or any relationship for that matter is about compromise and about unselfishness. You have a choice and have been given lots of great advice.
The paramount question here is : How important is your marriage and your relationship with your wife?

There are many things I want that are not attainable at this moment. It does not mean I will risk a relationship I consider life long to satisfy a desire I have on occasion. My relationship/marriage is more important. That may be because I am content. Were I not content in my marriage the desire might take precedence over my commitment or I might allow it to.
For me infidelity is not an option. That is not a judgment just my personal view for me.

Maybe this is more a question of balance. Could you revisit this discussion with your wife and ask her if there were any compromise she would be willing to make so that your needs could be satisfied? Perhaps having her accompany you to a session with a Domme? or waiting outside. It may be that she just needs time to absorb something that is foreign to her.

Best of luck to you,

scarlet

_____________________________

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see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 19

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 8:22:24 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tenaciousme

Hello;

I've not posted before, but I've lurked for a while to get the lay of the land. I have seen similar topics such as this provoke heated discussion on other boards in the past, but they haven't really encapsulated my situation, hence my post.

I'm a happily married man (yeah, aren't they all...?) and I've been with my wife for about 12 years. In that time, I have had open, and frank discussions with my partner about my preferences, and my desire to explore my masochistic and submissive side. I haven't quite gone into explicit detail, but she is in no doubt as to the sort of thing I find intriguing.

She, as openly and frankly as I, has stated she has absolutely no interest in BDSM at all. I accept this, and when I have tried to introduce even very mild elements into our relationship, she has identified them and explicitly rejected them.

I am happy to respect her boundaries, but at the same time feel constrained (and not in a good way!) by her rejection of my feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you find any way to overcome it? The obvious (and morally dubious) solution is to meet someone else, but this feels wrong, and I'm sure no-one would want to engage with me under such circumstances. Ohboy yes, I've been there. I was married to someone who thought doggy-style was pushing the envelope. (In my defense I married young and didn't understand at the time that being submissive wasn't something I could just pretend away). After the 10 year mark I began to feel like I was losing myself and that I was living a lie (badly to boot). I was miserable, and I was making him miserable because he couldn't give me what I needed. Not just the kink, but he was unable to give me the direction and boundaries I craved.

Then I discovered the internet...
I found adult chat rooms and porn porn porn. He of course knew I was looking at porn because I didn't know how to cover my traces but he didn't know about the chat rooms. For the most part our marriage was over, there was very little sex and even less friendship or communication. We were essentially roomates that shared a bed. I began to explore my needs online, the more I explored the more I wanted. Needed. I found out that I wasn't the nasty perverted freak he thought I was which was one heck of a revelation to me.

In the end my online (support, friends, dalliances & ultimately my owner) gave me the courage to see that my life would never change until I actually did something about it. There is an awful lot that I am leaving out, but over the span of about 4 years I found both my self and my courage. Then I filed for divorce.

We are now very close friends but I still cannot share this part of me with him. I had to make the choice of staying in a miserable marriage where I was only a partial person, or striking out on my own. It probably sounds selfish but there were other reasons that I'd rather not go into except to say that he was truly not good to or for me. Thankfully the man I later became collared to gave me the support and clarity I so desperately needed.

I have been collared to him for over 10 years now and regret only that I didn't figure this out a long time ago. This is why I will never be nasty to married people that find themselves dipping their toes into something behind their married partners back. I will not judge because I am not in their position, I cannot know the truth of their marriage but have gained the experience to say that sometimes a person has to do wrong things in order to right their lives.

I could simply go to a pro-domme, but this feels even worse, and plus the level of expenditure that sustaining such an experience would entail would be quickly noticed.

I am sort of resigned to repression - I love my wife dearly, but feel stifled at the same time.

Am I simply being juvenile in hoping to reach a 'best-of-all worlds' solution?

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Post #: 20

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