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RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/15/2009 4:22:45 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

You have no empathy if you did you would have been far kinder, your simply projecting your own frustrations on another person without the full info.
You are second guessing a man who hasn't posted.
You are basing you 'advice' on a tiny amount of information and being quite hateful about a relationship that is over 9 years in the making and a marriage to boot.

Yeah, why not just tell the girl shes picked the wrong fucking bloke and get a divorce too! That should seal it.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 4/15/2009 4:26:14 PM >

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Post #: 21

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/16/2009 6:24:03 AM

slaveofHisDomain

Posts: 14
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

I don't think it's a matter of if you are submissive or not. I think it's more down to the fact you are a human being and can only do so much without some help. I think it's pretty selfish of him to sit around and do nothing while you are out earning all of the money, taking care of the house..etc. I can tell you for a fact that it's not a dom thing, it's a lazy thing. My M helps me with laundry, the house..etc, and he works also. It's about being considerate to the other person, and understanding that one person cannot do it all.

Maybe him being gone so much has shielded you from what he is really like on a daily basis. It's not "unsubmissive" of you to speak your mind and let him know all of the pressure you feel. If he is any kind of man, be he dominant or not, he will understand and realize being dominant does not mean you get to sit on your ass and do nothing all day. It's also a responsibility to your sub in making sure she is taken care of mentally and physically. It sounds to me like you are more close to exhaustion and he needs to take some of the pressure off.

Wish you the best of luck
nee

edited to add: Perhaps he really has no idea what you do all day, I think sometimes husbands really don't. Maybe give him something a day to do that will really help you, like I have the laundry gathered up could you please do it?. I have been unemployed before and it can be very depressing, maybe he feels a bit guilty are you are doing everything, maybe he values his self-worth and even his place as a dom on the fact that he is unable to bring anything into the home. I think sometimes when we do nothing, stay on the computer all day, or watch tv 24/7...we are trying to escape reality. I think the biggest thing you need to do is talk to him, let him know that you don't think less of him because of him not working, and let him know how great of a help he can be by taking some of the pressure off at home.

< Message edited by slaveofHisDomain -- 4/16/2009 6:30:29 AM >

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(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 22

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/16/2009 3:37:12 PM

goodpet

Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

If your signifigant other isn't working as much as he used to, he is probably depressed and afraid .......
He may be avoiding any discussion about finances and duties because he will have to acknowlege that there are issues that are affecting him and you. .......

Two very good points. He might be avoiding things also because he know it is due to his change in job and income and that is difficult for most people to deal with, knowing he is the "cause" of the household difficulties.. we know that is not true, it is just they way things are in our economy right now.. but many see it as their doing.

quote:

Asking for his help may make it easier for him, because it puts him in a position of being a rescuer, not a loser. And since he is a male, be specific, VERY specific about what you want him to do. And for how long. As in not just for one day or one week. Good luck,

LOL a very good point again.. be clear about what kind of help you need. Try to avoid one of two traps also.. don't make the list a lot of little things.. thinking each one is easy.. it makes the list then look so long even if they are easy things.. and try not to start with just one thing and then plan on adding or asking for more help later..

Pick one or two semi-major tasks that will have the most effect on helping to lower your stress level. If he took over just 2 or 3 things, what would do the most to help you out the most.

The other thing you can ask for is what chores or tasks can you both agree to put aside for awhile. Somethings that can be let go and free up time without causing more stess because they are undone.

Sometimes Master gives me a task that is very time consuming and i have to ask him what can i let go to have the time to do this? He and i will agree on what can be undone but still not stress us out. (we both can handle the laundry being undone for a week, but he needs the livingroom kept cleaned to keep his stress down, i need the bathrooms done to keep me from feeling upset about it being clutered.) Other tasks we put aside, since he knows they are being undone, he often will chip in and do some of them (OK maybe only 75% done.. LOL)

You are in a diffuclt situation and are wearing more then one hat. I sometimes have to talk to Master and I start off with telling him which hat I am wearing.. "Master, i need to talk to you about the house bills and as your parnter (wife, mate, SO..) i think we need to.... " something like that. We are Master/slave 24/7 but a lot of my duties are from the wife/partner/SO point of view on household & kids stuff.

Hang in there. be good to yourself..

~ann

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 23

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/16/2009 4:08:14 PM

littlefairyone

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

i fully agree with all that's been said. It's important as subs or slaves to know our work load limits as well as know how and when to ask for help. He should be totally understanding and wanting to help. i know when i live with my Master that if things between kids (2 and 10 months), work, etc get to much then W/we will sit down and discuss them. Maybe suggest writing a journal (you daily) and then every sunday or what ever day your not working the two of Y/you sit down and talk. Not as a Dom/sub but as a couple. have the talk be a free speech one where you don't have be watch as closely to what you say. good luck and i hope this helps.

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 24

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/16/2009 5:12:31 PM

KneelforAnne

Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

Hello fawn,

Let me say first that you have my sympathy in this hard time.

I don’t think it has anything to do with being submissive. I think it has to do with being a person in a precarious position, where you don’t feel nurtured and appreciated.

The only thing I wanted to add is that this is an extremely stressful time where neither of you are in your comfort zones…SO…don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.

My advice:

Don’t whine or complain or blame. Take care of whatever resentment you feel before the conversation starts, else it could end in an argument/ a “blame game”. Remember, as much as you don’t want him in this condition…I’m going to guess that HE doesn’t want it either.

Does he view this as a vacation? Is he seeing this as time off? Or is he searching ads, calling companies and trying to solve this? Keep in mind that depression can cause a dip in one’s productivity….

Why does it seem overwhelming just now? Is it because he is home and making messes that you have to clean up? The daughter, the animals, the hours at work were all there before, right? Why all of a sudden does life seem so much harder? Is this really stress over money that is rearing it’s ugly head via housework and chores? Are you really discussing what is bothering you, deep down…or are you using the “easy” excuses like the house isn’t clean and the dog needs a bath and the daughter needs to do the dishes?

What do you need to feel safe again? Do you need him to find a job ASAP, no matter what it is? Do you just need his help around the home?

Personally, if someone else was the breadwinner for so long and suddenly I had to take on that role, I think I would feel overwhelmed and out of sorts. Added on top of a D/s -M/s dynamic where you feel He SHOULD be the one handling things and making decisions… it’s no wonder you feel this way. AND you have every right to whatever feelings you feel. Just don’t let them overwhelm you or take control of your life.

Perhaps start the conversation off with asking how you can help him. This may sound silly….but that way he won’t feel attacked…and he’ll still feel like a valued person. You may have to swallow whatever negative feelings you have about things just now…but you do love him, and you do want to be with him…right?

Does he know that, or does he just see a stressed out shrew (said for emphasis, not because I think you are a shrew!)?

I think there is some really good advice here for you on the thread…but the one thing I would caution is with the list and the calling every few hours to remind him and/or see what he has done. I think calling every few hours could be seen as a bad thing….seemingly more nagging and demanding.

Just my thoughts!

Good luck and keep us posted?

(in reply to littlefairyone)

Post #: 25

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/18/2009 5:06:50 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Hello gentlefawn
...it is so enormously difficult but...sometimes a sub has to kick her Dom into gear...
Doms on accasion do falter, suffer low self esteem, rediculous opinions and laziness. It is your 'job' to find a way to get it through His thick scull that He is not living up to expectation and that this is NOT on!!!
Now i have experienced in the past that a 'short' break can do absolute wonders...if you can do this it might help. I went to see a friend or family (keep the cost down) stayed away for a week or so and generally let my hair down and relaxed...(it has happened about 3 times over 17 years)
If leaving Him to it is not an option I wish you good luck with whatever else plan you can come up with...but He does need a good shake in my opinion...He is sat there in the mess virtually begging for it.
All the best

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 26

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/19/2009 2:53:46 AM

MDSade

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/10/2009
Status: offline

Communication and understanding.

Listen and honestly look at the situation from his point of view, avoiding your own biases. Then communicate to him your feelings in a gentle, reasoned way.

From what it sounds like, he was on the road a lot. He worked harder than most I would say. Most people get to go home at night. He probably enjoys being at home now. Also, humans are creatures of habit. If he's not used to doing household chores he will find it difficult to remember to do them. I imagine he slept in motels while trucking? Where he watched TV and people cleaned up after him?

Nobody's perfect. But if you love each other, you'll work through it. And forgive minor transgressions such as this. There may even be times you will act in a similar way, with him being there to pick up the slack.

< Message edited by MDSade -- 4/19/2009 3:07:25 AM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 27

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/19/2009 7:26:21 AM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline

hi..
i am sorry to see you are going through this..as for myself yes been there done that but not in the lifestyle...and i feel very strongly the things you are describing do not depict a D that has his life in order..and how can he expect you to be submissive to him when he is apparently not standing up to his responsibility's? i do hope you get this resolved for me it is simple...i have been through things that i would be able to recognize in someone else as a weakness and would say "bye " in a minute!
take care
and good luck
ree!

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 28

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/19/2009 11:36:56 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 4/19/2009 11:40:15 AM >

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 29

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/19/2009 11:43:43 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

You've gotten some very good responses already. All I'd say is that being his submissive, being his wife, and appealing to him for help don't all have to conflict. You can--and should--be able to do all three. No one else can tell you what to say to him, but generally honesty is the best policy. Be honest with him about how you feel and what you need. Say exactly what's on your mind without being provoking or rude. I think that is the only way to communicate in a serious relationship--and also it's the way that shows him the highest respect.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlefawn

i am feeling like i need to just say that i am not submissive and as His wife, i need His help. How do i vocalize to Him how i am feeling and tell Him that i need His help to get all of this done? i feel that i have tried to explain to Him that between work and home, i am exhausted and feel like nothing more than a "work horse" with no appreciation for all that is expected of me.

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 30

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/22/2009 3:29:42 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

When a man loses his job, his ego takes a huge hit. keep that in mind when you talk to him. most men wouldnt know where to begin after being out of the house for so long.. the first response may be... well, you have done it all along, why cant you do it now?.. yes, i have been there. and yes, i understand the stress you are under. getting mad at him is only adding to the stress. try handing him a "honey please help me" list. learn to delegate, sweety. and, yes, that is within your scope as a submissive, or even a slave. sometimes we have to rise to help when his chips are down.

out of curiosity, what is the 15 year old doing to help?

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(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 31

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/22/2009 5:30:49 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

A submissive may not feel submissive all the time (who does?) or may lose that feeling toward their dom. Sounds like he is not taking the lead, and is just generally being a lazy, self-centered _________(jerk? you fill in the blank- I'll bet you wouldn't describe him as a leader, master or dominant right now).

He is not domming you. Not leading you. Not inspiring your submission. Does he expect to just sit there and eat cheetos while you inspire yourself? If you are leading and guiding your own self, what do you need him for? If you hafta dom yourself (we all do that actually, its called self control) without any input or guidance from him, then no wonder you don't feel submissive toward him. Maybe its time to explore your dom side. Maybe he's more of a sub right now, and needs you to dom him. Can you switch?

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(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 32

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/22/2009 10:29:36 PM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline

Aw<3, I'm sorry to hear all that:/...that really sucks.
Am i really a submissive/slave?
Well, I think it depends on your defintion of sub/slave. Do you think a sub/slave means to take care of someone who is in return neglecting you and your/his life?
To me, I couldn't be a sub/slave if a man treated me like that... I am a sub/slave because the guy shows me he cares and he is part of my life ...therefor all I want to do is please him to make him happy because it makes me happy.

I wouldn't want to please a coach potatoe or someone who doesn't do anything all day.

Even though you're in a D's a relationship, it's still a relationship...if someone isn't giving it any effort chances are the whole relationship will be in a ruin.

In no way does this mean you aren't a sub/slave.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 33

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/23/2009 7:24:48 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

OP: I think the question SHOULD be: Is he really a master?
He lets his household go, his child's schoolwork put aside, and you question yourself?
Really?
Pfffttt...
I would not sub to that.
I have to respect my Master.

This is EXACTLY what i was thinking....

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Post #: 34

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/23/2009 8:50:01 AM

TaoWoman

Posts: 140
Joined: 2/27/2009
From: Kpe'me', Togo
Status: offline

Hello gentlefawn,

After mulling over your post for a few days, some thoughts to share~

In regards to the D/s dynamic/relationship: There is no D without the s....ever. The power is in the s. You, the s, give the relationship the fuel it needs to run. Explaination: a D can be dominant in his life but unless someone submits to him, he is dominant only to himself. However, as submissive - one can submit to any or every one, even other submissives. The submissive holds the power given to the D to dominate. Therefore, in your situation, you need to empower your D. You are doing everything, taking care of everything, including the stress and worries leaving him to his own issues of which he appears to have little control. Empower him subtly and with kindness - he needs to feels needed by you and as long as you take care of everything - he might be feeling worthless. As tazzy said in her post - men take an ego hit when their jobs are at stake.

There are many ways to do this, starting by putting yourself in his shoes. No one likes to be nagged or made to feel inadequate. It may take a task and a day at a time but you have a long history with this man inwhich you most likely agreed "for better and for worse". Now is your opportunity to help bring out the best in him and in doing so, you will bring out the best in you~

Remember, you have the power, you are the key. Embrace your Divine femine and be like water - soft and strong. You make the Dominant - empower him to be what you require~

Written from experience~

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The Teacher who is wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind~

Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to gentlefawn)

Post #: 35

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/23/2009 5:08:36 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

I would strongly consider trying to locate a mental health care professional in your area who will work on a sliding scale, and seeing about some couple's counseling. And check your insurance, if available -- it might cover some costs. Best of all is if you can find someone who is kink-friendly, which you'd do by asking others in your local community, or you can ask when you are calling for appointments if the counselor has any experience dealing with alternative lifestyles.

Having a person who is outside of your relationship facilitating this conversation could be very helpful. When you are discussing emotionally-charged topics, it's all too easy to react defensively rather than thinking calmly and rationally about what the other person is saying and what they mean, rather than focusing on your knee-jerk reactions to what you think you heard.

If you absolutely can't find a counselor (or your partner refuses to participate), then the two of you need to find a time to sit down with the TV off, the kids farmed out, no distractions, etc. as fits your situation. Sit knee to knee. The two of you need to agree beforehand that you will take turns talking, and flip a coin to figure out who goes first if needed. A key rule here is to agree to not interrupt one another, and that you will take a 5 minute break (measured by a timer!) if you become too emotional to do this calmly, then you will come back and try again.

The first person to speak says your piece. This needs to be delivered in a factual way, using, "I feel" type language, avoiding accusation or recriminations. "When I come home and you haven't helped out around the house, I feel unvalued. I feel angry. I feel as if you expect me to do everything." Or whatever the points are that you need to make.

The other person should listen, and not interrupt. When the first speaker is done, the listener should say back what it is they think the speaker said. If needed, the speaker gets to try again to make the point until the listener can repeat back the essence of what was said.

Then you switch roles, the speaker becomes the listener.

This technique works so well when you have issues in a relationship, because it helps you avoid getting into verbal fights, and it aids you in knowing that you and your partner are really understanding one another.

I would also try really hard to get your honey to go to their family physician and discuss depression. It can be helpful if you go together. (My Lady likes being self-reliant, and hates having to admit anything is ever wrong, so when something IS wrong, I go to the doctor with her so that when the doc says, "So how are you" and my lady responds with "Fine!" I can say, "OH NO! You have had reflex every night for six weeks and are miserable!". Then the real doctoring can start!) Job loss is one of the top stressors any of us ever face, right up there with death, divorce, and major illness. Being depressed isn't a weakness, it's your brain chemicals run amuk -- and there are good medicatiosn for that! I will also point out that a number of studies have shown that BOTH partners in a relationship go through depression, grief, and anger when one partner loses a job, so talking to YOUR family doctor couldn't hurt, either.

(in reply to TaoWoman)

Post #: 36

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 4/29/2009 7:18:00 AM

sweetmary84

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/23/2009
Status: offline

HI.....This is Mary..... new to this site and the lifestyle....i will love to meet real Master who will be ready to teach me,groom me to that special slave i was born to be.....i will surely do he wish and always make such he is happy with my service to him....please mail me back if you wish to be my first ever master

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 37

RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? - 5/1/2009 11:36:33 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

sweetmary i think you are lost luv if you 're looking for DarkSteven you have to e-mail him directly really and not flirt on gentlefawns thread about her disfunctional Dom...how's things going there then? have you got him off the settee yet?

(in reply to sweetmary84)

Post #: 38

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