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ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

in other words, my focus on the want/need for sexual reassurance is making things worse??

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ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

i know He feels guilty, and i do my best to focus on other things.  i soak up all the love and physical affection and return it as well...use porn and my imagination to placate the sexual cravings to the highest degree, but feel quite lonely in that.  i dont want Him to feel pressured and i am sure He knows how i want a healthy sex life...even if it was only occasional i could handle that. i want to work with Him and i suppose He has taken the first step in admitting He is having issues with ED...but this whole thread has started me thinking about other issues that may be in play as well...the D/s dynamic between us, how it has changed, etc. lots of thinking...and talking to do...
 
perhaps its as simple as me acting more like a housewife aka mom than his doting sub/slut...i dont know.

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ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

But you want to be able to be both. Don't start cutting corners on compromises in your own head without telling him. The last thing he would probably want is to find out, a year down the road, that you sacrificed your desire for a sexually active relationship in your own head without discussing it and have started building resentment because of it or, worse yet, started looking for other avenues/people to satisfy it.

This is one of those crappy situations where two people probably really care about each other but there's one annoying snag that needs to be attended to which could conceivably mean leading to an amicable parting of ways being the best option for all involved. Figure out what you each want and need. Figure out how likely you both are to provide that to each other right now and then discuss how far you are each willing to work to try and make those needs met.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Serve him well by ignoring the lack of sex and focus on his health. He should have a complete physical first. Then work your way through the other issues with a professional that has no emotions involved.

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ORIGINAL: marie2

To me the biggest issue here would be his seeming inability to be honest with himself so that he can then be honest with you. 

I'd rather hear  "Yeah, I can't keep it up, and i'm not ready to deal with it just yet, so give me some space, and some time to think on it until I figure out what I'm going to do about it"  than...."Oh, there's nothing wrong, dear,  I'm just not sexually attracted to you, right now".  That's a pretty steep and far-reaching level of dishonesty.  To me, this would be a much bigger issue than the whole sex thing itself.

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ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Serve him well by ignoring the lack of sex and focus on his health. He should have a complete physical first. Then work your way through the other issues with a professional that has no emotions involved.

thank you...i have been expressing these same concerns to Him for the past 2 years!  His ankles get puffy and are discolored which i understand are circulation issues and could possibly signify a more serious concern...combined with His ED says to me go to the doctor!!  stubborn!!  (just like me...)  i have a small lump on my leg which He has been prompting me to see a doctor for...i will tell Him i will go if He will go with me! ;) (ill go regardless...)
 
and...will start looking for someone to help us through these issues...

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but maybe, He is being honest and is not feeling sexual attraction for me...and maybe it will never change. then, it becomes an issue of whether the snuggling, kissing and affection are enough...im strong enough to look at that as a possibility as well. it hurts to think our relationship might end, but if He could be sexually attracted to someone else, and i could be in a sexually fulfilling couple relationship with another then it may be an option. not before concluding that we cannot work it out though....i love Him and am not willing to give up too easily...

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ORIGINAL: peppermint

He is being as honest as any person who is unwilling to face an issue can be.  I'm sure he believes what he says rather than admit that he has ED due to his own physical problems.  Face it.  He is not willing or able to admit to having a problem that he can't fix all by himself. He has admitted to ED...He gets erect but then goes soft even when He is alone and there is no pressure to perform...He was prescribed viagra prior to our relationship for the same issue but hasn't returned to the doctor since...when we went home to my family at christmas He had promised to see my doctor but it was such a whirlwind visit and i forgot, thus it didn't happen...And you are the enabler.  You take the blame on yourself as being sexually unattractive.  That way he doesn't have to go to a doctor to get help or face the fact that he needs to discuss this with a medical doctor.  That way he doesn't have to face all too possible scenario that he might never have an erection, even with the new wonder drugs.  He, of course, would suddenly and miraculously be cured of ED with just the right woman who would be sexually attractive to him, or so he wishes you to believe.  So, I guess there was no need for Viagra and Cialis.  All these men who had ED needed was someone who was sexually hot.  ironically after my last response to a post, i went to the park for a walk/run.  had an excellent internal dialogue with myself and realized myself as an enabler as you have, to His thoughts and behaviors...i do not see myself as sexually unattractive at all!  i was feeling that perhaps this problem might not persist with another woman though...So...you have choices to make.  You can help him face his physical limitations, with or without Viagra and Cialis.  You can continue to enable him to refuse to face his physical problems.  You can leave him to find a sexual D/s relationship.  You can just pretend nothing is wrong.  You can continue to blame yourself for his problems.  It's all your choice and what you want to do.i need to know if He is going to be an active participant in our relationship and help to find a solution to His problem which is our problem or if He intends to sit back and 'hope' things change.  thus far He seems to 'hope' things will change...and has left the decisions in my hands.  hoping is all great and fine, but you can't lose weight by hoping...you can't find a new job or make friends simply by hoping.  action not words are the thing.  the results of any undertaking are measured by the effort...He has to decide whether 'we' are worth the effort of seeing a doctor and then taking steps, however small to change His thinking and outlook.  our life together hinges on it. i dont expect a miracle or changes in a day, but He has to be as invested in us, as i am. Why did you write your question in the forum if you are SOOOO sure that he would be functional with a woman he finds attractive?  When you wrote here, were you trying to talk yourself into believing him?  Is it a so far fetched idea that he has ED due to physical problems and he refuses to admit it? i wrote here because i have received good advice in the past from like minded people and was feeling quite alone in this mess. truly i guess i wanted to know if people 'could' actually behave as He does with me but not be sexually attracted. to be honest i personally think His excuses of not finding me sexually attractive are bullshit, and perhaps i wanted to hear that in a response from someone else.  afterall, if i found someone sexually unattractive i wouldn't be living with them let alone snuggling, kissing and spooning them all night in my bed!!  logically when i look at it that way, i know He is using me as a scapegoat for His own issues. not anymore.i am responsible for my own actions and behaviors...and He is responsible for His...if this relationship is important to Him He will have to step up and own His responsibility for His health and sexuality. we have to be on the same page and work to solve our issues. thank you...very thought provoking!

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ORIGINAL: N4SDChastity

Like 99.99% of the folks on here, I am NOT a doctor of any stripe.  But, here is my take.  From many of the symptoms you have describe, your SO may in fact BE, or be at risk of suffering from T2 Diabetes.  For his long-term health, and your continued ability to bemoan the lack of sex, he should (as someone else has also suggested) go and get a complete physical.  Changes to how is body is physically ABLE to react may be driving his desire to mentally (re)act.  Mind and body for a complex co-dependency, of necessity, and changes to one could and often do manifest as changes to the other. you are so right and i am going to set up an appointment for Him...He may not like it but...so what!!Or, his assertions could simply be what they are.  That he is in a place, mentally, where his focus is on other than his bodies physical needs.  Is he under pressure on his job?  In the community?  At home?  Pressure to make or manage some monumental change or recovery, perhaps?  Even if the pressure is from within himself, his NEED to succeed COULD be blocking out other needs, for the time being.  That ship-in-a-bottle model he never finished, back in grade school, could be the simple thing that occupies his attentions, of late. wow...all of the above actually.  He is not happy with His job right now. doesn't feel He is getting the credit He deserves or the appreciation for going above and beyond.  wage freeze at work so wont get a raise despite all his overtime. dealing with a spiteful boss, etc. He is planning to find another job but...He knows i would like to move back to my homecity so is trying to figure out how to sell the condo (or trade) in a depressed market and move with me.  He is worried about finding a job in a city that He has only visited twice when it was -40 both times! He worries about me alot because my mom is ill with cancer back home and my kids (who are older) are there with their dad and i miss them so much...i want everyone in one place and He knows this. alot of pressure to deal with. He also knows it is always an option for me to put in a transfer and just go home if i miss them too much. Or, he has been abducted by aliens and you have been interacting with the foreign species' envoy.  Check your closets for any secret communications consoles or ray guns.  If you find any run, do not walk, to your nearest newspaper (the po-po won't believe you, so don't waste your time there) and voice your concerns...  But, leave out the ED part.  You don't wanna piss off the aliens any more than you have to. this part totally cracked me up and made me laugh out loud!!  thank YOU!! He does have an abnormal facination with stargate and 'the hills'...lmao!!

ChasT

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ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

He may just not be feeling sexual right now. NOT not feeling sexual towards you. His wording left much to be desired.
Now you are hurt and insecure. Does he know what he said has made you feel so insecure? im not sure how He 'cant' know, but i suppose it is a possibility...I wonder if he is insecure due to his inability to perform, and wanted you to be as well? ive wondered that in the past as well because at times He has gone out of His way to make me feel insecure about a certain body part etc...not in a mean way but definitely what He has done.
You should probably seek couples counseling, AND def. make him get a check up.

Good luck. thank you!!

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ORIGINAL: SailingBum

yep hit the doc, hit the drugs, tap dat booty.

BadOne

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Oh, and one more thing from the peanut section.......and my applogies if it squicks you out coming from me.
BUT.....From your photo I always thought you were at least 10 years younger, wayyyyyy too young to have grown kids. You are beautiful and damned sexy! So don't let this problem give you doubts.

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ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Had you been sexually involved before you moved in with him? Was there a problem then? If you hadnt been intimate before moving in than I think he has been deceitful not telling you about the lack of sex in your relationship and certainly deceitful about the fact that he wasnt "sexually attracted" to you.