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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 1:40:11 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Had you been sexually involved before you moved in with him? Was there a problem then? If you hadnt been intimate before moving in than I think he has been deceitful not telling you about the lack of sex in your relationship and certainly deceitful about the fact that he wasnt "sexually attracted" to you.

we had been together long distance for almost 2 years prior to me moving in. there had been a lot of issues with my submission to Him due to the long distance nature of the relationship. there was some sex but not alot...we spent alot of time on 'relationship building' activities...creating 'couple' memories etc. and basically just getting to know each other. He had always told me though that a relationship was about 50% sexual for Him which i have come to see was a gross overestimation! i guess the part i have difficulty with is if He isn't sexually attracted to me, why is He wanting so much physical closeness, kissing and connection?? grrrr!!!!!!

For me personally thats a dagger tothe heart. Almost as bad as "I dont love you". But for me personally its a deal breaker. You deserve a balanced relationship that has love and sex and shoud not be expected to live without. I have heard of more than 3 Dominants with ED that didnt fess totheir SUbs. To me this is the same as an outright lie.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 41

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 1:55:38 PM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips1]

For me personally thats a dagger tothe heart. Almost as bad as "I dont love you". But for me personally its a deal breaker. You deserve a balanced relationship that has love and sex and shoud not be expected to live without. I have heard of more than 3 Dominants with ED that didnt fess totheir SUbs. To me this is the same as an outright lie.

yes, it is a dagger to the heart...He did admit to occaisional ED a long time ago, but when i would see Him once a month for a week it didn't seem like a problem. He had 3 weeks to work up to the event...

well...no sense in worrying about the past. i am here now with Him and need to figure out a course of action. either we work together as a team to improve the situation so it is manageable for both of us...or...we dont. im going to make some suggestions to Him tonight and see what comes from the conversation. ultimately, He has to want things to improve...want to become sexually attracted to me. i can only be me, afterall and if He doesn't want to put in any effort to make things better then i am wasting my time! so first things first i will ask if He wants to improve things between us. to me that means going to a doctor and getting a handle on the physical issues...then we can work on this attraction issue if it is indeed an issue. maybe abstaining from masturbation and making me the only sexual outlet will help...kind of like training pavlovs dogs!! i dont think He will like 'me' training 'Him' but eventually He will cum to love it!! LOL eventually He will crave me...or He wont and we will know. He craves and asks for my kisses and touches all the time...why not have Him crave the rest of me?? ive never treated Him like 'any other guy' in a flirting way but i guess it is time... ;)

i would rather try, than just toss it all away...afterall, i do have a very loving, generous man...there is a roadblock somewhere and we have to remove it...

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 42

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 2:52:31 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
You don't. You're playing doctor, you're getting a bunch of what you think are symptoms together, and hanging it on ED, which is exactly what the ads want you to do.

If he thinks it is a problem, he needs to go see a doctor. If he doesn't think it is a problem, or if he thinks it is not his problem, you migght want to start looking for someone who "fulfills" you a bit more. Or, something that may have an effect on his clearly uninterested brain, suggest you should find someone outside the relationship for sex. He isn't willing to work with you on your needs, and from what you say that isn't going to change. If he has as much as admitted that he isn't sexually attracted to you, that's what it is. You don't need to go looking for needles in haystacks, as you have your answer already, and from there you need to decide what you are going to do.

BOOO!!!

I'm judging you as a human being for giving advice like that.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 43

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 3:21:12 PM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
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your post reminds me of a girl i once knew that was coming out of a mentally abusive marriage in that her x husband would tell her that if her sexual parts(trying to be polite here

)ever stopped working he would leave her(he would be quite serious in this.
Anyhow fast forward a few years and he ends up with ED and reliant on some form of pill (was nt viagra but something i know not what)and now she is in the position of being preached to that "sex is nt everything you know" by her husband(this particular girl was very into sex but she was also very understanding and never strayed until the mental abuse worsened(possibly due to his self image)

Anyhow thats the background info and according to her he most definately lost interest in sex as a direct result of the ED so that backs up your theory on your masters problem.

However its just as possible that he struggles with the idea of being your Dom and feeling out of his depth or natural way of acting with a partner.

My advice would be for the two of you to rally sit down and discuss what the issues are and come up with some sort of plan to rectify the situation for you both as it does sound based on what you describe that there is something worth working for here.

good luck

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 44

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 3:38:32 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess
i guess the part i have difficulty with is if He isn't sexually attracted to me, why is He wanting so much physical closeness, kissing and connection?? grrrr!!!!!!

Because he does love you . ... . He wants to touch you, he wants to be affectionate with you . . . . . .

I was in a long relationship with someone who both loved me but was not sexually attracted to me . .. . . . & there was a lot of that kissey-cuddley thing, he was very affectionate & loving but it only rarely led to sex . . . . . (FYI, not health stuff, in his case the libido issues were closeted-orientation issues . . . . )

It was really painful & damaging for me to stay in that relationship, I want to share with you . . . . . He was a really amazing person, & I loved him a great deal, too, but . .... . I'm still picking up the pieces of myself that fell off during the course of all that 'love under adversity' . .. . . &, given my druthers, I'd never do it again . . ..

_____________________________

Snarko ergo sum.

The Verbossinator

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 45

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 3:56:27 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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mmmmmm I have to wonder... does he know that you brought such a personal issue to such a public impersonal forum? and if he doesn't.... I wonder how he would feel about you bringing up this issue here. I know how I would feel and think about it....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 46

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 4:02:47 PM

N4SDChastity

Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
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Little Princess,

From your responses to my offerings, I think that my "all of the above" may be creating a vortex within which your natural concern may be driving your inter fears. With all that you say is wearing on his mind... Men, unlike women, often find it harder to disassociate themselves from the external worries and fears of BEING the one responsible for "it all" (yes, yes, I know we are NOT, and I am sure that on some level HE does, too, but that does not change the feeling that we ARE the one responsible for BEING the strong one, the decider, the one who puts it all together and makes it ALL good for ALL under our "care."). In that capacity, the weight of the world can and often does supersede acknowledging that some of the needs of those are gettinf trampled. I eHat to plug the work of others but, Steve Harvey has a book out that may give you mountains of insight into what is going on inside your man's head. In effect, aside from the emotional (and, spiritual?!?!?) connection he IS maintaining WITH you, in spite of ALL the pressures you admit are in play (and, probably a few others you may not be awaere of), he IS trying to show his concern, caring, and probably deep-seeded love for you by trying to solve your family issues, too, along with his problems. In his mind, I would be willing to be that he sees this as his duty, first and foremost. Failing or even faltering in the face of it puts himself in a lesser light, and diminishes his value to you (whether he admits or not, it is a reality) as a Man. since we Men tend to tie our sexual ID to our outward worth (I make more than Jim, so I am obviously more VIRILE than Jim), all of this could be causing him to doubt his own sexual prowess, to some degree.

Schitt!!! Did I just undermine his manhood? I hope he isn't reading this!!!

I am glad I made you laugh, though.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 47

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 4:44:47 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

i would rather try, than just toss it all away...afterall, i do have a very loving, generous man...there is a roadblock somewhere and we have to remove it...

This assumes that you can change a person. Good luck with that.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 48

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 5:57:42 PM

MasterFilsAime

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/12/2009
From: orlando
Status: offline

I WOULD SAY HE'S FIBBING, BECAUSE HE'S NOT QUITE CONFERTABLE WITH THE FACT THAT HE CAN'T GET AN ERECTION TO SOMEONE HE REALLY HAVE ALL THAT EFFECTION FOR. MOST OF US GUYS LIKE TO PLEASE WHOEVER WE ARE WITH, EITHER FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONAL, AND DEFFANENTLY SEXUALLY...HE KNOWS HE CAN PLEASE YOU IN EVERY OTHER WAY.... EXCEPT SEXUALLY, HE JUST GOTTA KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP SPONTANIOUS AND FUN AND NOT REALLY WORRY BOUT IT CAUSE THATS JUST A PART OF LIFE THAT ALOT OF PEOPLES AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH, BUT WE GOTTA ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS HAPPEN WE GOTTA TO LIVE WITH IT HOW EVER AND WHEN EVER IT COMES. I HOPE THIS GAVE YOU SOMETHING TO THING BOUT AND RUN WITH.

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 49

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 7:51:08 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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Sorry MasterFilsAime I tried to read you post but ended up having to hide you, the all caps was just to much.

(in reply to MasterFilsAime)

Post #: 50

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 8:05:26 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

ED seems to be pretty much part of aging. He needs to see a doctor because it could indicate any number of chronic illnesses that need treatment: hypertension, diabetis, prostate cancer etc.

About not being sexually attracted to you, I imagine he's trying to turn off his libido because he knows he can't have penetration.

However, are you interested in a sexual relationship in which penetration is not part of it? Because his fingers and mouth still work, he still could use toys on you, he could play with you, order you to masterbate in front of him, etc.

This to me is the real problem. Not that he can't orgasm himself but that he won't do this for you. Now that you've talked about his problem, perhaps if you bring up your needs he will feel willing to satisfy you in other ways.

First a check up with his primary doctor, then a referral to a urologist is in order.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to GotSteel)

Post #: 51

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:02:20 PM

kiyari

Posts: 631
Status: offline

Aighty, here is one view from a non D/s female:

The fellow just does not find you sexually inspiring. This blares loud and clear.

This, IMO, is NOT going to change, no matter how you contort in the attempt.

For why?

There is the mystery, but it is fair irrelevant as regards your findng what you reasonably crave with him.

If you can resolve to enjoy Him and eschew your sexual needs...

Well, he takes no interest in your sexual needs...

Perhaps he prefers men? (ya, a cheap shot, yet... perhaps not so off the mark, here?)

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 52

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 6:49:50 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Knite064

My advice would be for the two of you to rally sit down and discuss what the issues are and come up with some sort of plan to rectify the situation for you both as it does sound based on what you describe that there is something worth working for here.

good luck

thank you for sharing your friend's experience...it does sound similar...when we first met, He said sex was 50% of everything in a relationship to Him and now He tells me sex is only a small part of things...i tried to speak with Him this morning and He became really upset...says He is tired of talking about it...is defensive...so not much i can do right now...figure things out on my own i guess or wait a while and let things sink in for Him. ive heard that this is a very painful topic for men and i am sure it is no different for Him...He did seem to feel a bit better when i told HIm that He is more important to me than the issues we are dealing with right now...thank you for the good luck wishes!

(in reply to Knite064)

Post #: 53

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 6:56:15 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFilsAime

I WOULD SAY HE'S FIBBING, BECAUSE HE'S NOT QUITE CONFERTABLE WITH THE FACT THAT HE CAN'T GET AN ERECTION TO SOMEONE HE REALLY HAVE ALL THAT EFFECTION FOR. MOST OF US GUYS LIKE TO PLEASE WHOEVER WE ARE WITH, EITHER FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONAL, AND DEFFANENTLY SEXUALLY...HE KNOWS HE CAN PLEASE YOU IN EVERY OTHER WAY.... EXCEPT SEXUALLY, HE JUST GOTTA KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP SPONTANIOUS AND FUN AND NOT REALLY WORRY BOUT IT CAUSE THATS JUST A PART OF LIFE THAT ALOT OF PEOPLES AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH, BUT WE GOTTA ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS HAPPEN WE GOTTA TO LIVE WITH IT HOW EVER AND WHEN EVER IT COMES. I HOPE THIS GAVE YOU SOMETHING TO THING BOUT AND RUN WITH.

well, i dont know if He is fibbing or not but He does try His best to please me in so many ways. He is loving, affectionate, nurturing and takes care of me in so many ways! perhaps He does feel He is failing in this one area and is the cause of His extreme defensiveness...tried to speak with Him this morning and He got upset...then said something about me not being able to wait to see if it happens naturally...the whole issue is beginning to turn me off actually...if He doesn't want to try to fix it, then i am beating a dead horse...perhaps i should just forget about it for now (aside from His need to see a doctor) and go with the flow...thank you for your male viewpoint...

(in reply to MasterFilsAime)

Post #: 54

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 6:57:54 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

i would rather try, than just toss it all away...afterall, i do have a very loving, generous man...there is a roadblock somewhere and we have to remove it...

This assumes that you can change a person. Good luck with that.

LOL i said 'we' would have to remove the roadblock...i didn't say i would change Him or do it alone! trust me, i know that the only person i can change is me! :) ill take the good luck anyway! lol

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 55

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 7:00:48 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
It was really painful & damaging for me to stay in that relationship, I want to share with you . . . . . He was a really amazing person, & I loved him a great deal, too, but . .... . I'm still picking up the pieces of myself that fell off during the course of all that 'love under adversity' . .. . . &, given my druthers, I'd never do it again . . ..

thank you for sharing your story with me...and i am sorry you are still having to pick up the peices...people change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change...im sorry you had to experience so much pain...(((hugs)))

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 56

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 7:03:19 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Do you think he'd be receptive to you bringing in another to meet your needs?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 57

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 7:07:30 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

mmmmmm I have to wonder... does he know that you brought such a personal issue to such a public impersonal forum? and if he doesn't.... I wonder how he would feel about you bringing up this issue here. I know how I would feel and think about it....

yes, it is a very personal issue...but if He will not address it with me, and i have no one to speak with, am i to suffer my thoughts and worries in silence? if i were discussing this with family or friends He would be absolutely mortified...He has told me that what happens between us is private not to be discussed with my girlfriends, etc...if He were an active participant on these boards i would assume my posting would cause Him distress but He does not come to collarme anymore, and has never been interested in the boards. He is unknown to anyone here...thank you for your thoughts though...

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 58

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 7:10:41 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

ED seems to be pretty much part of aging. He needs to see a doctor because it could indicate any number of chronic illnesses that need treatment: hypertension, diabetis, prostate cancer etc. First a check up with his primary doctor, then a referral to a urologist is in order. i will do my best to get Him to see a doctor, but He is quite resistent...About not being sexually attracted to you, I imagine he's trying to turn off his libido because he knows he can't have penetration. im thinking about all angles...just not sure what to beleive anymore! However, are you interested in a sexual relationship in which penetration is not part of it? Because his fingers and mouth still work, he still could use toys on you, he could play with you, order you to masterbate in front of him, etc. just not sure what to say right now...feeling kind of defeated...ill go for my run and feel better later... :)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 59

RE: seeking to understand... - 4/16/2009 7:14:46 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiyari

Aighty, here is one view from a non D/s female:
The fellow just does not find you sexually inspiring. This blares loud and clear.
This, IMO, is NOT going to change, no matter how you contort in the attempt.
For why?There is the mystery, but it is fair irrelevant as regards your findng what you reasonably crave with him.If you can resolve to enjoy Him and eschew your sexual needs...Well, he takes no interest in your sexual needs...Perhaps he prefers men? (ya, a cheap shot, yet... perhaps not so off the mark, here?)

no...He definitely does not prefer men!! lol not that theres anything wrong with that! ;) im trying not to take it personally, but how can i not. i cannot give up my own sexual cravings, desires and needs...i can put them on hold if i know that the problem is ED and He is working on a solution with me...but if the problem truly is a lack of attraction, then it is hopeless and will never change...thanks for your thoughts...ive thought them myself...

(in reply to kiyari)

Post #: 60

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