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Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:31:39 PM

PolyAna

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To cut a long story short i'm in a poly relationship and i have found mail sent from my dom off my cmail account to another sub. Basically the mail said 'i am your master so give me your phone number'.
I had no idea he may be looking for another sub and i'm pretty sure my sister sub did not know either. Now i know that the mail doesn't neccesarily mean he is cheating but it certainly looks like it.
My question is do i tell my sister sub what is going on?
If i don't i will have to lie to her about why i am walking away and i would feel terrible for that. But if i do and i'm wrong, which i doubt i risk upsetting her for nothing.
Normally i would stay well away from telling anyone anything like this but we have grown close, we are friends and i just really don't know what to do for the best.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:34:40 PM

MissLaura1973

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Why not speak directly with your dominant about the email before creating tension / issues with your sister submissive? Instead of assuming, ask him what's going on and share with him your concerns - be honest and direct and let him know how you feel and what you're thinking might be going on - and then make decisions about what to do.

Edited To Add: I would discuss the situation with your sister submissive, but only after clarifying matters with your dominant - I don't much care for these kinds of secrets or misunderstandings.

< Message edited by MissLaura1973 -- 4/16/2009 3:02:20 PM >

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:40:08 PM

ranja

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And why are you walking away? because of someone else using your cmail? Are you sure it was your Dom and not your sis playing around? and who ever it is are they gonna meet up? or is it just a bit of banter? and as you are into poly...is it not the more the merrier anyway?
Anyway...i would suggest you talk about your misgivings and get to the bottom of it...

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:45:11 PM

ExKat

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Something smells fishy. Tell the other girl and then confront the two-timer together. If there is a perfectly reasonable explanation, then deal with it all together. If there isn't, then take your leave, letting both of them know exactly why, and give your sister sub a chance to choose.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:45:40 PM

MissLaura1973

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
and as you are into poly...is it not the more the merrier anyway?

Without going too far off-topic here, I must respond to this: no, not all poly relationships are "more the merrier" - in fact, my poly relationship is pretty damn far from that. Polyamory is about love, intimacy, trust, friendship, support, and finding people that you want to share your life with ... and, in many cases, finding someone who wants to share their life with you and others in your household (though not always).

Polyamory isn't about swinging or wife-swapping or friends-with-benefits ... though it can be (it's been my experience that we all use the term differently). For me, if I found that one of my partner's appeared to be seeking another lover without having spoken about it with me / with those involved first, I would feel betrayed - it's not that I have a problem with a partner seeking another person, I have a problem with it being done secretly.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 2:58:25 PM

SassySarijane

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First, who has the password to your account here? I would have a problem with my account being used by other than myself and wouldn't give my password to anyone else first of all...only a couples account would have a shared password for me. Next change your password if it is soley your account and give the new password to no one. Then bring up what you disovered. Or shut down/delete the account and make a new one no one but you has access to. You need to ask your dominant about what you have found and tell him it is a deal breaker for you if it is.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:02:10 PM

Lockit

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First of all, I am very sorry this is happening to you... whatever this is. None of this makes sense. He used your email from your account. Do you share the account? If it is your's, someone just sent a troll message to someone he had no phone number for and maybe didn't know at all and that person will think it was you. Any man... that could say that would disgust me. But do we know it was him? Could it be your sister submissive? Does she have access to the account?

If you know it was him, I would warn the sister submissive and then address him. Why her first? Because I would no longer trust a man that could say something like that to another woman! There is no telling what someone like that would do. Or if I didn't tell her right away, I sure would have someone I could count on around. (I don't like to argue and this could be a biggie even if you don't want it to be.)

But before I did anything, I would have my plan set with a place to go and how to manage it.

Now... he could be wanting you to see it and get upset because he wants out. I mean really, why would he be so stupid? Oh... well... I guess he is if he could say what he said in the email. But, if it is coming from your account and you know the sister submissive didn't do it and it wasn't you, he could say you did it to pass it over with her.

There are so many things that could be happening. I do wish you and your sister submissive well.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:14:55 PM

sirsholly

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If it were her that found the e-mail, instead of you, would you want her to talk to you before confronting him?

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:22:24 PM

dreamerdreaming

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If it stinks like shit, and looks like shit, it might be shit. That's my quotable quote for the day.

Since you are ready to walk, there must have been other things bothering you to begin with. That's the feeling I'm getting from your OP, anyway. I'd get the sister and the guy in the same room, and just quickly say "I was going to walk anyway, for these reasons (followed by a brief list of what's been bothering you), but this cuts it." Then dump it in their laps to deal with. I'd speak in as calm and unnaffected a way as possible, and walk away.

If you were/are leaving anyway, there's no sense in letting yourself in for a lot of extra drama on the way out the door. I wouldn't stick around and hash it out, I'd leave quickly. If he did this (do you need to poke and taste shit to know its shit? Or do you you trust your judgement? Sure looks like shit to me...) he could use the opportunity to be a real jerk to you, while he's trying to mitigate the damage with sis at the same time. Don't listen to it, just get out. You can't save her, but you can save yourself. She's a big girl, she'll do what's right for her. She knows you care about her, right? But she's got to be able to make her own informed decisions.

That's my armchair quarterback play for the day.

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(in reply to PolyAna)

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:23:23 PM

TaoWoman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

My question is do i tell my sister sub what is going on?

No, because until you speak with your dominant, you can only assume what might be happening...

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(in reply to PolyAna)

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:25:37 PM

NihilusZero

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In any poly situation I would think of, I would want the sister subs to be protective of each other. It's one thing to conspire privately about undermining when it's based on a discussion about emotions that everyone should be in on, but when there is relatively clear evidence of some sort of duplicity, I would favor bringing it up to the sister sub first and then approaching the Dom.

From my standpoint as a Dom, I seek to act with integrity, honesty and transparency. If I've been caught in a blatant error such as this, I've forfeited at least a degree of my place to expect complete deference. Also, if there is a perfectly sensible explanation about this sort of thing, I would still be able to see it as something that could have been misinterpreted, so I wouldn't be completely upset...plus, I'd have a couple of remorseful, trusting and eager to honor subs looking to apologize for mistaken misgivings. :)

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:29:32 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

My question is do i tell my sister sub what is going on?

No, because until you speak with your dominant, you can only assume what might be happening...

The OP wasn't too specific about the content of the e-mail, but there isn't a lot of assumption necessary when a message clearly delineates the reference of the Dom of himself to another (whom the subs neither expected or know about) as "Master".

This thread wouldn't exist if there was any understanding or expectation by the OP that the Dom plans to engage in online D/s or plans to seek out other subs.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 4/16/2009 3:30:07 PM >

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 3:46:00 PM

Viridana

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My gut tells me to talk to her first and show her the evidence. Then confront him about it both together.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:03:14 PM

TaoWoman

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quote:

To cut a long story short i'm in a poly relationship and i have found mail sent from my dom off my cmail account to another sub. Basically the mail said 'i am your master so give me your phone number'.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

My question is do i tell my sister sub what is going on?

No, because until you speak with your dominant, you can only assume what might be happening...

The OP wasn't too specific about the content of the e-mail, but there isn't a lot of assumption necessary when a message clearly delineates the reference of the Dom of himself to another (whom the subs neither expected or know about) as "Master".

This thread wouldn't exist if there was any understanding or expectation by the OP that the Dom plans to engage in online D/s or plans to seek out other subs.

I can appreciate your point Nihilus, however the OP states this: "i have found mail sent from my dom off my cmail account to another sub. Basically the mail said 'i am your master so give me your phone number'."

Now, I am quite curious as to why he sent this message to another sub, using a female's CM account firstly and secondly, how he thought this would not be discoverable when she obviously still has access to her own account.

So, I still stand by going to the source first and using the very underused tool called communication~

< Message edited by TaoWoman -- 4/16/2009 4:06:07 PM >

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:21:57 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

So, I still stand by going to the source first and using the very underused tool called communication~

Fair enough...although I suspect the tool would have been best applied before a suspicious e-mail ended up where someone would see it and wonder.

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"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:34:23 PM

TaoWoman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

So, I still stand by going to the source first and using the very underused tool called communication~

Fair enough...although I suspect the tool would have been best applied before a suspicious e-mail ended up where someone would see it and wonder.

I agree!

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The Teacher who is wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind~

Kahlil Gibran

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:35:13 PM

slaveluci

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Ok, here's the clues I have to offer:

1. As someone else said, determine who exactly has the password to your account. If you are sure only he has it and you know you didn't send it, it's pretty obvious that he did, eh?

2. If the message did indeed say basically what you wrote ("I am your master so give me your phone number"), determine what exactly that means. To me, it means one of two things. Either he has already become this other person's master (without knowing her phone number) and now demands it OR he's using one helluva stupid opening line. Either way, I think I'd have some issues with it. Maybe you don't.

3. As you said, the mail doesn't "necessarily mean he is cheating." It does apparently mean that he's doing something behind your back if it hasn't been discussed. If that's your dynamic, that would be fine. The fact that you are ready to walk over this tells me it is not your dynamic. Therefore, he may not be "cheating" by your definition but he has been lying/sneaking/hiding/fillintheblank. For me, again a problem.

4. I'd leave the "sister sub" out of things until I spoke with him and figured out just what is going on. Once that's determined, you can speak with her and tell her what's occurred whether you leave or stay.

Sad situation but seems to happen every day. Not all that many relationships (BDSM-related or not) seem to be based on full-out honesty and open communication. Good luck...............luci

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:48:06 PM

marie2

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The whole thing seems rather odd to me. Why would he do this from your email? If he was trying to hide something from you, this wouldn't be the way to do it, obviously.

And if he is this girl's Master, why wouldn't he already have her phone number?

At any rate, I wonder what your agreement is with him. Is he supposedly only with you and your sister sub, or has it been established that he may or may not seek others as well?

Either way, I'd talk to him about it first, before speaking to the other sub. My first loyalty would be to him, not the sister sub, and I'd give him the chance to explain first before opening my mouth. But that's just me.

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 4:59:52 PM

pompeii

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Long story indeed ... these things will have their way ... as they always do ... we've all been through it ... good luck!

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RE: Can someone give me a clue? - 4/16/2009 5:01:46 PM

cheriZ

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sorry but have to add my two cents worth here, You say that your relationship is built on trust and love and intimacy, if that is so than why are you automatically assuming he sent that and willing to walk away without even discussing it with him. I have had my cmail acct hijacked twice since been here and it caused numerous problems for me and others so there is no way I would take anything that you saw on your cmail as true till you discussed this with him. Why would he go behind your and your sisters back and try to find another but use your cmail to do it, doesnt make much since to me.

(in reply to MissLaura1973)

Post #: 20

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