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~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 3:32:49 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		There is a Discussin going on in the ask a submissive section that fueled this thread but it was not the ONLY think that fueled this thread.

I think that some people get involved in a relationship, ownership, playmate situation or whatever because they are looking to either escape a part of themselves or to have someone else fix them.

I have talked at length with many people on this site with those who the discussions go to why they can't find a decent partner I find it interesting how offten I get the following statement.

"You know I really want a _______, but the last time I was in a _____________, It ended so badly, and you know I'm afraid to go through that again."

I have heard this or a variation of this for my entire time here on CollarMe and for at least as long as I have been in the scene. What I always find funny is that they will tell me this then one of two things happens. They either let wonderful people finally give up on trying and just walk away, or they get involved with the Posterchild for the reason they didn't want to get involved in the first place.

Why not just be single? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now?

I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion?

Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house?

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?

Steel

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 3:47:40 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You want a list?
 
Or you can just accept the usual crass statement - 'because there are masochists here'.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 3:52:46 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Because people are afraid of being alone.  Because somehow people think that because a relationship is BDSM instead of vanilla that you know from the first meeting it is going to be long term.  Because people have unrealistic expectations.




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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:05:03 PM   
YoungBlondeSlave


Posts: 953
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		*raises hand*

That's me to a "T" but, i did take the time to fix the problems in my life and now i'm in a place where i'm very happy. i took a break for a couple of years after having a horrific experience with a Dom. He was very cruel, lazy and selfish. He had no job but forced me to get employment and hand over my paychecks to him. Then, he proceeded to spend all of the money on himself after rent and bills were taken care of. He had us share one bank account and transfer my life savings, then he spent all of that (approximately ten grand) on God only knows. He isolated me from my friends and family, threatened me and insulted me often. i felt so low, worthless and miserable i was actually considering suicide.

However, he wanted to try poly. He looked for girls that he wanted and then asked me to communicate with them and develop friendships with them. Well, the poly thing backfired, the girls and i became best friends and they helped me escape from him (we are all still friends to this day). One night they literally came over armed, and held him off while i packed my things and put them in the car. Then we all drove off and now i'm in a very happy point in my life. A bit lonely without a Master but still happy.

i've been able to finish nursing school and get my LVN, i've got an amazing job for the State and i'm now going back to school to get my RN. my co-workers are fantastic and very supportive of my continuing education, i've got my own place. i pay all my bills, i have zero debt, i'm rebuilding my savings and i'm really on the right track.

Right now i'm not *seeking* a relationship though, if the planets aligned and everything between U/us meshed then yes, i would be absolutely open to it. However, i'm so frazzled with work and school (my time management skills are poor) that i don't know if i could dedicate as much time to a relationship as i would like. Once i get back into the groove of the school thing i think i could do much better.

But, i am seeking friends and learning about the lifestyle,and i think that my profile clearly states that (though it is in desperate need of updating). Here there is an event this weekend that i'm thinking about attending, i've been invited but at the same time i'm scared shitless since i don't know what it will be like. i don't even know what to wear. But i've been told there are some interesting classes so i will check it out. And, maybe make some new friends.

Anyway, that's my answer.

< Message edited by YoungBlondeSlave -- 4/18/2009 4:07:04 PM >

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:15:24 PM   
Bearandfox


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/8/2009
Status: offline 		Just a few thoughts ….
There are almost countless reasons why people do the things that they do. Feelings and reasons change over time and with different input and different people.
I for one have been through the very process on both sides in life that you speak of.  From not being able to fathom the thought to entertain being open to possibilities, to thinking that maybe I learned something the first few times about something and now perhaps feel better centered or prepared, to pursue or remain open to something.
 You know….. what repeating the same actions while expecting different results equals, but how many times do we go through something, then gain the confidence that now things are different, we got the math right, will do it differently, ect… “It” will work this time.
Taking that solemn journey for a time can prove for some too difficult to bear at length. Basic passive and aggressive needs are fulfilled  for ones self during that journey very differently.  The thinking that it is often, if not always “the other person(s)" were/are the the problem, keeps one in the routine of repeating same thinking and action.
As soon as we think we know or believe something, we seem to create the opportunity in life to find out if we really do… It comes in many different forms, often without knowing that we have planted the same seed.. in the same soil… tended by the same thinking and action. Well… we reap what we sow…. though in the garden called life, even the best made plans and actions don't always produce the desired results.


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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:17:17 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		People get lonely and horney.

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:24:11 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah


Why not just be single? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now?

I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion?

Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house?

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?

Steel

Probably for the same reason that some people capitalize random words that shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of sentences? Because they're individuals?

Maybe people are looking to connect with people that they share similar interests with and if there is a connection they are open to moving forward?

In the three years I've had my profile up on this site, I've 'been looking' probably two thirds of the time, but have still jept the profile up. I'm looking to not only meet someone special, but also make friends, network and learn as much as possible. In my previous profile, it was less geared towards finding a partner and more broad based.

If I wasn't looking for someone or still felt like I was licking my wounds from the last relationship I was in and I met someone on this site who I could see myself getting serious with, I wouldn't  deny myself that possibility ust because I was in wound licking mode, I'd be honest with them about how I was dealing with things and move forward slowly and carefully. No reason to hide me or my profile.



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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:35:03 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?


For the same reason some people stay with someone they are unhappy with.
For the same reason some people become involved in poly when it's really not what they want.
For the same reason some people accept any kind of behaviour from their partner.
Not many people want to be / can handle being single and lonely.

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If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:52:25 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?


Like Lushy, said, they are lonely and/or horny.
They long for physical closeness.
They actually dare to hope:  this time it will be different.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 4:53:43 PM   
TaoWoman


Posts: 140
Joined: 2/27/2009
From: Kpe'me', Togo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah


I think that some people get involved in a relationship, ownership, playmate situation or whatever because they are looking to either escape a part of themselves or to have someone else fix them.

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?

Steel


Having entered relationships for both of the above reasons it was hindsight that revealed that awareness. One answer to your question might be that some of us don't realize just how unhappy, broken, and lonely we are until we compromise ourselves for the sake of a relationship...any relationship and it fails.
 
One aspect of WIIWD that seems to perpetuate this is the very dynamic of dominant and submissive...the controller and the controled, the "all knowing" one and the "all needing" one.
 
A journey with oneself is always a good idea....certainly more folks would benefit by trying it~

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The Teacher who is wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind~

Kahlil Gibran

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 5:03:18 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Interestingly enough, though it took me a while to throw off the societal compulsion to pair off, now that I completely accept that I am completely happy on my own, I am also completely at peace with the idea that there are certain ideals that would have to be in place for me to enter into a relationship now -- and I speak them openly, because I'm not afraid that what I say will scare someone away and I'll be alone.

For me, at least, the recognition that I am both comfortable and happy on my own, and my embracing of my capacity to be completely forthright with myself, has enabled me to be much more forthright with others.

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 5:19:12 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I think that some people get involved in a relationship, ownership, playmate situation or whatever because they are looking to either escape a part of themselves or to have someone else fix them.


Yep, the 'fix them' is highly irritating. Had one of those last year it didn't last long once I saw I was beating My head against a brick wall because she was waitting to be 'fixed' rather than being prepaired to put any work in for herself. You can't fix someone, you can only help them fix themself and "You can't help someone who won't help themself!". Luckily it was only a playpartner so there wasn't much invested in the relationship, but still irritating.

quote:

Why not just be single? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now?


If you are comming from a playbunny point of view then you maybe have a point, those people don't NEED this, they wouldn't recognise an actual Dynamic let alone get anything positive from one. People for whom this is only something they do rather than something they are. However for a lifestyler, an actual submissive or slave I think that statement is way off the mark.

If you have other things in your life throwing you off kilter, making you unsettled, anxious, frustrated then it is far more difficult to actualy put yourself back together. When is a sub/slave at their most unsettled? When they don't have the structure and support they crave and need!

So whilst a relationship CAN'T 'fix' them, it can provide the enviroment, the structure, support, advice, control, steadying influence to enable them to better be able to face their problems and fix themself.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 5:37:58 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		We were born to have relationships.

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 5:43:24 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

We were born to have relationships.


We are? Personaly unless it is the right relationship I'd rather have no relationship at all! When I am single and can't find the right slave I end up only taking on playpartners. If I can't find any submissives either then I don't bother at all as I find 'nilla's far more trouble than they are worth beyond just 'friend'


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 5:46:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's only so much fixing you can do yourself. You can put up affirmations all over the place but if your ex left you with huge issues concerning your attractiveness to others, you aren't going to believe anyone will want you until you meet someone who does.

Besides, if I was going to stay single until I was 'fixed', I'd never have gotten into a relationship. I'm never going to be issueless, baggageless, etc. So perhaps the question is how do you decide when you have done enough work to start making better choices?

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 6:00:02 PM   
wisdomofgiving


Posts: 55
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline 		I think for many being single represents you will be lonely. Our world is acceptable to being in a couples relationship of some type. Single people are looked upon as a strange breed, and many times mixed with a fear that it might be them someday.

I live alone and have been now almost 4 years. I been seeing a Dominant for almost 3 years. We are friends and keep our seperate residents. Being a widow who was married for 29 years, opening up to a Ds relationship, which was totally new to me, was hard but even harder was being single. I kept thinking one day "Sir" will want to live with me and live the committed Dominant/submissive, Master/slave or vanilla relationship..one day. It never occurred to me we can have a great relationship with both of us maintaining our single home unit and individuality. Then the past few months or so, the reality  sank in that things could very well remain as they are. It is a possibility and it is even good. I have come to enjoy living alone and having the responsibility in my life to create what I want to achieve. I also enjoy the times spent with my friend Sir as a submissive. Now I have discovered a new way to have a relationship. Interesting most people who know about us don't go on as much about the D/s but instead cant comprehend how we can enjoy living apart. They look at us as aliens. I use too feel that way as well. Perhaps I felt that way from past/present conditioning, or perhaps coming from a very good and long lasting marriage.

It is also enjoyable to take the structure help my friend started me on and build on that as well. I am creating my own structure, without my friend's steady influence, control, etc. I finding who I am now at my present age- single and happy, and yes submissive.

Yes there are times I get lonely, but I have known a lot of couples were 1 or both are lonely. It's a part of life. I live a lone but it does not brand me as always lonely and waiting for Mr. Master Right.

wisdomofgiving

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 7:05:09 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Many reasons......society tends to frown on people who are not 'coupled'.
The commericialization of and selling the idea of being happy means having things,
and being with someone, the studies that say married or coupled people are happier
and live longer than single people. The constant social pressure that makes it seem like
one has to have a partner and kids and that somehow we are incomplete if we do not
have those things. Add to the simple fact that we all want to be desired and wanted by
someone even when we are licking our wounds.[/font]

< Message edited by califsue -- 4/18/2009 7:06:20 PM >

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 7:10:36 PM   
AngelGeena


Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

They actually dare to hope:  this time it will be different.


guilty

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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 7:48:38 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		Because they can.



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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/18/2009 8:28:45 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Because people are afraid of being alone.  Because somehow people think that because a relationship is BDSM instead of vanilla that you know from the first meeting it is going to be long term.  Because people have unrealistic expectations.





Oh boy! That was how I felt 5 years ago. Things between the last ex dom and I were not really great because of my insecurities. I wanted to hold on so tightly to belong to him. Well, I was not owned, did not belong to him and things fell apart.

I was with another dom for a year but we broke up because both of us were going in different directions.

I am alone. It is nice to get to know myself better than I ever had before and there is no drama or fear of being replaced. I don't know what the future might hold but I no longer have that desperate need to belong to anybody and will not settle for less. Hey, sometimes there can be only one person walking in the sunset and if it is me, I might as well enjoy the scenery along the way.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 4/18/2009 8:30:18 PM >

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