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RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 2:19:29 PM

CatdeMedici

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Joined: 10/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1

And to the point of finding a "better" quality of man. If the man is lying about who and what he is to start with, how are women supposed to know their quality? Why is it always put on the women when the men are the ones lying? I'm sorry but I wasn't born with a lie detector in my brain.

I know Mine by who I am, what I see in the mirror, how I hold to My life's design and none of that based on any male influence, belief, opinion, attachment or lack thereof.

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(in reply to MissSepphora1)

Post #: 61

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 2:26:35 PM

TwoNYCDommes

Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1
women want to procreate and seek stability and security.

Not all women.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1
men settle because they get tired of looking, and are pressured into a relationship by the woman for before mentioned reasons.
even if men reassure the woman they are happy in the relationship, men will take whatever else they can get on the side, because that's what men do.

Not all men.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)

Post #: 62

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 2:40:01 PM

MissSepphora1

Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
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I meant THE MEN'S quality, not my own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1

And to the point of finding a "better" quality of man. If the man is lying about who and what he is to start with, how are women supposed to know their quality? Why is it always put on the women when the men are the ones lying? I'm sorry but I wasn't born with a lie detector in my brain.

I know Mine by who I am, what I see in the mirror, how I hold to My life's design and none of that based on any male influence, belief, opinion, attachment or lack thereof.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 63

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 3:27:09 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

"Seriously why do people do this?"

Its an avoidance behavior. A lot of them are afraid to be single- afraid to be alone.

People do use other people so they can hide away from themselves, as the OP stated. So that they don't hafta face their own feelings or even feel them, or face their own failures.
But pushing your true feelings down into your subconscious, and turning away from past failures doesn't make them go away, of course. If you don't let yourself feel your true feelings, and if you don't do some self-examination to find out the reasons you feel or act as you do, you will be "stuck". You won't learn from your mistakes, and will be destined to repeat them. ("Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."- George Santayana)

  There is also a phenomenon called "repetitition compulsion" which is very common, which causes people to get involved in the same kinds of relationships over and over. Google it, if you see a pattern in your choice of partner and want to examine some possible reasons for it.

And some of us are rescuers. I think that might be more common than the reason the OP mentions, of wanting to be rescued.

But overall, for whatever reasons: I think the number one reason people try to avoid being single is fear. They equate being single with being sad and lonely.

But its not the same thing at all. After the heartache subsides, happiness can take root. A person can very easily slip into happiness and contentment, when there's not a jerk waiting at home to ruin their day. I loved being single! No one was saying or doing things to make me miserable!

Single people, enjoy your freedom!!!

   I think the big mistake people make is not doing proactive things to get over their heartache quickly, so that they can get to a place of happiness while alone.
   Instead, they wallow in their sadness and lonliness, which can lead to using someone to help them forget. So then they jump into another relationship before they ever had a chance to get to the happy time of being single. So then they don't have that good, happy experience with being single that would allow them to see it as a positive. So they stay in crummy relationships that cause them no end of heartache, or they relationship hop, beause they've prevented themselves from ever having had a good experience of being single. So they fear it. So they avoid it.

On the flip side of the coin, fear may also be the number one reason some people are single. They may have had such an awful time in relationships, that they avoid them. Again, its an avoidance behavior. They're afraid.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 64

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 5:28:46 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
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camille already stated so beautifully what I wanted to write...

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

But that isn't exclusive to the D/s world. It happens in every world. People who aren't quite ready for a relationship, trying their utmost to be in a relationship. It has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.. it is a human condition.

It is also part of the learning process, learning of the self and of others. Stumbling while learning to finally walk, that is how I see people heading into relationships before they are ready.

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(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 65

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 7:13:29 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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The vast majority of profiles have got very little to do with kink and BDSM and are more declarations of self-interest, invitations for a codependent, skewed shared perspective of reality and the desire for interpersonal exploitation. Arranged into neat little boxes are expectations of what will happen with who on what basis, everything else fails, which leads obviously to disappointment and frustration.

Learning to cope with this frustration and disappointment, together with alternating suspension of belief and resistance to rejection are of paramount importance if you ever really hope to find anybody here. The reality of someone rarely measures up to what is expected or anticipated - most people thus are a tremendous disappointment.

There is very little opportunity for life to play itself out and for circumstances to change all on their own and this in turn means that contacts and relationships often happen in cycles and for many vicious circles and breaking out of these vicious circles can be extremely difficult.

And this is the crux of the matter - not to allow your expectations or anticipation of someone undermine or ruin their reality and to allow things to take their natural course of events and for circumstances to play themselves out, which allows for changes within the cycles and for progress to be made within our interpersonal relationships.

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 66

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 7:24:09 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

And I can say without worry that I see it much more common here in the BDSM Lifestyle than I have ever come across in any other social Structure, however that could be because this is the social structure I am most comfortable in.

It is rampant in every social structure **I** know. My ex-husband is in his 3rd marriage, one of my brothers has been married and divorced 3 times. One of my co-workers drags a new/different boyfriend to every office Christmas party!

And I agree with Kidwithknife!

quote:

On the other, I've certainly known people who are basically single because they're afraid of the intimacy not being would entail. And claiming you're staying single because you don't want a relationship sounds a lot nobler than admitting you just fear rejection.

In fact, I would definitely say I am one who has “issues” with intimacy. My preference to live alone, my unwillingness or perhaps inability to want or need romantic love could be judged to be just as pathological as those who desperately fall in love over and over. However my solution has been that I have on-going relationships with 2 different men who have the same ‘problem’. We have discussed it and accept it about ourselves and each other. These 2 relationships are the longest I have ever had; 5 years with one and 4 years with the other. Others might see it as unhealthy, but I feel it has been healthier and more stable than what I have ever had before.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 67

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 8:48:14 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I have a few ideas on why some people do this.

To begin with, not every person does get the concept that being alone does not automatically equate to being lonely. When people have the misconception in their minds that the two are one and the same, and they consider feeling lonely a "bad" feeling, they can possibly make bad choices to avoid that.

I think people have gotten better about realizing that there is a grieving process at the end of a relationship. Where I think many people could improve is the examination of why they wanted to be in the relationship when it started out. How many times on this site do we run across those who so desperately want to be partnered that it seems like it could be any partner? Many people say that they want a Dom or a sub, but a lot of them can't tell you why they want to be a Dominant to sub x, or why they want to submit to Dom Y. In other words, as I tell people all of the time, it isn't enough to want to submit. The important part is that the person wants to submit to Me. It's not good enough that I could be interchangeable with the next Domme down the street.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 68

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 8:52:49 PM

onefatkangaroo

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/5/2008
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What great words of wisdom, LadyPact.. i agree, some people just don't feel validated when they are single..i stayed in a miserable marriage for years, because i was afraid to be alone. Now, as i would love to submit to the perfect Dom for me, that doesn't mean i automatically submit to the Dom who thinks hes perfect...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 69

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 10:17:32 PM

whatsupsub

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/2/2009
Status: offline

I am the man with submissive tendencies Sepphora used to date. In fact, we were once engaged. I am cocky and confident - much more than she is - just outside of the bedroom, and i tend to "switch" inside the bedroom - mainly because i am not near as comfortable with the female body as i'd like to be. I do pride myself in being the "best friend" in addition to whatever other needs i can meet (some are easy to meet, most are not).

Yes - BEFORE HER - in every relationship i'd been in, i pretty much kept someone around - or, more to the point - someone else i was ready to go to in the event that i was going to be dumped. I have been dumped in every relationship i have ever been in - and it's become a fact of life. I put everything i have into relationships - they're all usually very long - from 1 1/2 years in high school to 4 1/2 years with Sepphora.

I have always searched for the best possible match. Don't we all? She didn't mention all my relationships prior to her were college and high school where we're all known for dating around anyway - although, yes, i will admit now it wasn't the smartest thing to do.

I didn't lie. I didn't cheat. There were some things she and i agreed to we probably shouldn't have in hindsight. There is a point when you realize you can't do much better than this and you've found what you want. Yes, she was pissed it too me so long to realize she was it - and when I proposed (probably at least 2 years after she was talking about it) , i had decided, which was a HUGE step for me.

The rest...we'll just leave in the past. I've never recovered. I still care...a lot...because that is the kind of person i have been and always will be.

Yes, dear, i'll try to stay out of your business. I didn't want you leading people the wrong way...or misleading about what you thought we were...

(in reply to onefatkangaroo)

Post #: 70

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/20/2009 11:24:07 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

. . .

Many people say that they want a Dom or a sub, but a lot of them can't tell you why they want to be a Dominant to sub x, or why they want to submit to Dom Y. In other words, as I tell people all of the time, it isn't enough to want to submit. The important part is that the person wants to submit to Me. It's not good enough that I could be interchangeable with the next Domme down the street.

LadyPact, you've raised an important part of this, above . ... .

& from that thought it occurs to me that patience is a crucial part of what we're discussing here, the patience to wait for the better fit, the tenacity to hold out for one's own needs . . .. . That's tough . .. .

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 71

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 12:46:52 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house?

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?

Steel

Dude seriously seriously why are you so arrogant to think that YOUR way <crawling under nearest rock> is the ONLY way to cope??? Personally I think your way is a cop out but whatever.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 72

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 5:24:20 AM

InTonguesslut

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
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quote:

Dude seriously seriously why are you so arrogant to think that YOUR way <crawling under nearest rock> is the ONLY way to cope??? Personally I think your way is a cop out but whatever.

BadOne

So you would prefer to try and move on before dealing with your issues so you can pass all that baggage on to them?
Nice move

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(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 73

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 6:38:58 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house?

Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas?

Steel

Dude seriously seriously why are you so arrogant to think that YOUR way <crawling under nearest rock> is the ONLY way to cope??? Personally I think your way is a cop out but whatever.

BadOne

You know I actually understand where you are coming from on this and to a degree I will agree that I do believe My way is a Good but not the Only way to cope, I do not believe it is a Cop out however.

I look at it like this. If you Got Diaherea and you go swimming you find yourself having to get in and out of the pool, because just staying in the pool could cause the pool to be worse for everyone not just yourself.

If you Shit in the Pool you affect all those who are in the pool with you, just as if you are in a fucked up head space and you invite others to engage in a relationship with you, you affect anyone who wants to get inolved with you. People who are just wanting to get to know you now have to ask themselves what is wrong with them that *you* this person that they are genuinely interested in wants them but either with conditions or with *you* constantly telling them how horrible wo/men are and why no one should want *you* (Generic *you* used for conversatin purposes)

I see what I have suggested as the Opposite of a Copout. The Cop Out is saying, This is as good as it gets, might as well find someone else to be miserable with.

Arrogant? Maybe, I was a Lonely little Emo Punk before it was called Emo, The world was ending, no one understood me, I was Lonely when I was alone because my own company wasn't sufficent for me. Everyone I dated was going to leave me so I started relationships by pushing them away and they would fight that for only so long and then eventually they actually would leave and I would be vindicated because I was right and then I could go SEE!!! SEE MY PAIN!!! I was Right just like all the rest she left me because I am so unwantable.

Eventually I decided to try getting to know me and I learned that I had Traits and Habits I went back to each and every time in relationships I date two kinds of people. People who are Broken and I have a Project to Fix to ignore my own issues while dealing with theirs or I date women who keep me at bay so that I am always trying to get closer, a constant struggle to get next to them in an emotional sense and well those are just the same was when I pushed evberyone away eventually I would get tired of being pushed away and I would leave.

Truth of the matter is I don't really think I am THAT arrogant (Notice that I didn't was I Wasn't Arrogant) I am just tired of people shitting in my pool.

Steel

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(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 74

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 9:11:55 AM

wisdomofgiving

Posts: 55
Joined: 3/19/2009
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One thing I wanted to say is not everyone who is happy about being single has commitment phobia. I already experienced the worst that could happen to me by losing my spouse. I survived his death and went beyond the dread and confusion of being alone. Now I embrace living single and having a friend. Has nothing to do with commitment phobia. Not everyone is cut out to be single and not everyone needs to be in a live in relationship or hoping one day their ldr turns into one. I choosing to live today and not waiting for tomorrow for someone who can share my life. Being single does not mitigate sharing one's life either. I share more now because I am in the present moment and not waiting for the future to make me better.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 75

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 2:29:58 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Steel your analogy's do crack me up. My kid went into hibernation for 3 months when she quit smoking it worked for her. Personally I thought she was nutz going to work and home for 3 months. Im a advocate of "whatever works" NOT my way is better than yours.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 76

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/21/2009 3:34:50 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
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A counselor once told me that people always tend to do what is familiar to them. Even if it is negative, the pull of the familiar is so strong people will replicate it over and over again.
Self reflection is probably the only thing that would work to break the never ending cycle of doing what is familiar.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 77

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/22/2009 5:28:14 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

quote:

Dude seriously seriously why are you so arrogant to think that YOUR way <crawling under nearest rock> is the ONLY way to cope??? Personally I think your way is a cop out but whatever.

BadOne

So you would prefer to try and move on before dealing with your issues so you can pass all that baggage on to them?
Nice move

uh reread what i said and more importantly what I didnt say Your assuming way to much ...

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to InTonguesslut)

Post #: 78

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ - 4/22/2009 9:19:02 PM

Lostkitten3

Posts: 179
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline

So I have found that men are much better judges of men, and women are much better judges of women. If you want to find a good man who doesn't lie, ask a male friend to meet your potential mates and tell you the truth. They will know immediately if the dude's a liar, asshole, loser.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)

Post #: 79

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