RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~

RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (Full Version)

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catize -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 8:48:15 PM)
Optimism.

NihilusZero -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:14:18 PM)
I don't think the propensity to want to seek out companionship with a certain yearning rather than finding comfort in single-hood is any more indicative of something inherently psychologically negative than is wanting to seek out a dynamic where there is pain-play and power exchange rather than finding comfort in a vanilla relationship.

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:25:34 PM)
So far I am in varing degrees of agreement and disagreement with the comments being made. Where I get most confused is internal views once expressed afterward. I hear Dominants say that they didn't have time to take on a full time slave, even that they hardly had the time to take on a Part time one, and yet when they do and the slave begs to be released because their needs aren't being met the Dominant in question (This is a Specific situation I am relating so your mileage may vary) spent an hour talking about how the slave never attempted to lighten his load and yet expected him to be able to drop everything and tend to her when you felt ignored. I hear female submissives say "I am not ready to trust again" and then get with a Dominant with the idea that "In time he will show me he is worthy of my trust" The Problem in my mind isn't HIM it's HER, she is going into this expecting the White Knight and anything less is another reason not to trust. I head male submissives talk about how they are tired of being a Piggy Bank to Pro Dommes and yet what they run for is a relationship where they get the exact same treatment without having to pay the Premium. I head Dominants all over talk about how they are with a submissive who isn't ready for what they have to offer and so they are in "Consideration" and this goes on for months and sometimes years and when ever I ask I get the same question she still isn't ready and when I ask has there been any progression the answers vary but oddly enough the basic concept is that the main issues are still there and as strong as ever only now she is okay with taking more pain or more sexual play. My back burner question is why is the decision to be single always one that equated to being Less Than or Lonely and so the search continues for Mr/Ms Right and ends with Mr/Ms Right Now and nothing that is actually wrong actually gets repaired. Some of the issues I read about on these thread are often only compounded by the continued move from one poorly chosen partner to the next. Where is the Sanity in all that? Steel

KneelforAnne -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:36:49 PM)
Why not just be single? Because I don’t want to be. I have plans for my life, which include marriage and children and I don’t want to raise them alone. (Not that it’s a bad thing, just not something I want to do by myself.) I want to share my life with someone…the ups and the downs and giving and receiving comfort through a lifetime. So shoot me, I want it all. (I also want to point out that in our society, single women over a certain age don’t seen to have any worth. But really….that’s a whole different discussion ) Now, with those things being said… I don’t want it so much that I am willing to enter into it with the wrong person. I would rather be alone than with someone I dislike, resent or don’t respect. AND I don’t want to enter something filled with drama and discontent. I am generally happy in my life. Big picture happy. Why would I invite someone into my life that would drag me down rather than lift me up, as I would him? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Who says I don’t have one? I admit to being extremely optimistic…evenly nauseatingly so (or that is what someone told me once)…. BUT…. I think I have a pretty good handle on most of it. Sure there are some areas that I don’t excel in…but doesn’t everyone have areas they need to work on? All and all I think I am handling things very well. I admit to having two areas that I would love to give up complete control on. I dislike handling them and don’t do well. However, it isn’t something that I plan on laying at his feet the moment we meet. Isn’t the whole idea of a relationship a give and a take, whatever the power based parameters are? Maybe he’s really, really good at managing money. I’d be thrilled if he was and if I felt I could trust him enough to take that over…or even hold me responsible for managing it properly (cause I would really rather learn how to do it). Maybe he’s not so good at getting his whites whiter or he hates scrubbing the shower--maybe he can‘t cook or is allergic to dust. Isn’t it a good give and take? To do what you are good at, and let the other person do what they are good at or enjoy? Maybe I’m living in a dream world. Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? Not in the slightest. But, this did bring to mind that infomercial voice…. If I did feel that way, I certainly wouldn’t spend so much time online and on message boards, I would be handling whatever problems I needed to take care of. That to me is just being a responsible person. How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now? Why does anyone need to be fixed? Can’t you meet someone and say “Yes, I’m broken…but so are you. Maybe we’ll work with one another to make this life a little more enjoyable.” And Why WOULDN’T a power based relationship help me excel in the areas I need work? If someone that I trusted and respected held me accountable on the things I can’t make myself do… if it were constructive instead of destructive…then why shouldn’t it be a pleasant experience--something that would help be grow, be a more centered person and in fact help HIM more, because once I learn it and can do it on my own he doesn’t have to any longer. Also… I think many, many, many people have this idea of rescuing someone else. “I’ll love him enough and he’ll be better” or “All she needs is someone to guide her in her life”. Not true, at least in my experiences. If a person is bad at life on their own…what makes you (Not just you Steel, but the YOU of people in general) think that you can “Save” them. The only thing that can save them is themselves. Sure, you can encourage and poke and prod and nag and harp and scream and yell, spank and beat and punish But, at the elemental level…any change has to come from them. It CAN change because they want to please you, or because they love you…but still…they have to want the change. I’m sort of with you on this…(At least how I see the question being posed) I see the question as “Why do you want to pick someone you have to fix?” I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion? If it says they aren’t looking--to me that means they are not actively searching for someone. If they are not looking, but open to meeting someone then (again, to me) that means they aren’t opposed to meeting someone, but they are not actively searching. If they’re still licking their wounds…perhaps they need someone to bolster their self-esteem? Maybe they want someone to distract them? Maybe they need to jump from one to the other to keep from feeling cynical. Maybe they find their sense of self worth in the eyes of another. …The possibilities are endless. I’m certainly not saying it’s healthy…but perhaps these people have their reasons. Just my thoughts!

SnowRanger -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:48:37 PM)
Yeah! What she said! except that our society single men over a certain age and below a certain income level don't seem to have any worth.

Lostkitten3 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:51:47 PM)
Having a witness to your life, and love and joy makes it worth the effort. SOme find it in a cat. I find it in a man.

Lostkitten3 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:56:26 PM)
But single men aren't seen as pincushions for others and blow up dolls for some. It's pretty bad for single women. And married women are some of the worst perpetrators of that abuse. Single women still have stones cast at them and are the punching bags of society. So it's not a far stretch for us to get involved in a relationship, with any kind of label, that uses us as a punching bag. It is what we have grown accustomed to and what we are told we deserve. To find a man who see women as worthwhile, and can still pull her hair, and spank her bottom, and has a career, well, that is the holy grail, and we are so lucky they exist and we can find them. But please fellas, it is hard to see past the loud rude men. Stand up and make yourself heard if you are a nice guy.

NihilusZero -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:56:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah My back burner question is why is the decision to be single always one that equated to being Less Than or Lonely and so the search continues for Mr/Ms Right and ends with Mr/Ms Right Now and nothing that is actually wrong actually gets repaired. Well, you are on a personals site, after all. So, I suspect the percentages are likely skewed towards those who are more prone to want companionship as opposed to those who can do wonderfully fine being alone until something beautiful falls into their lap. But this too is a different issue than the topic of people who recurringly return to the types of situations that seem inherently poor choices for them to enter into...although that too perhaps stems from the desire to seek involvement rather than singlehood.

Lostkitten3 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:57:52 PM)
Some of us have to learn a lesson many times before we can move forward in life. Mine was "you can't fix them."

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 9:59:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero Well, you are on a personals site, after all. Tou'che Thank you for that, I offten forget that CM is that as well. Steel

KneelforAnne -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 10:08:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lostkitten3 To find a man who see women as worthwhile, and can still pull her hair, and spank her bottom, and has a career, well, that is the holy grail, and we are so lucky they exist and we can find them. Amen!

NihilusZero -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 10:09:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Tou'che Thank you for that, I offten forget that CM is that as well. Steel [;)][:D]

antipode -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 10:15:59 PM)
quote: Why not just be single? The human animal is biologically programmed to have a mate. Overriding that urge is not easy, and many people are not able to. It is similar to the abstinence discussion, where teenagers are told they can mentally override their hormones, which is hard to impossible. The rest, BDSM or vanilla, or whatever, is window dressing, and it isn't even immaturity that makes people make these bad choices, they simply mostly don't have control.

DemonKia -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/18/2009 10:17:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah So far I am in varing degrees of agreement and disagreement with the comments being made. . . . My back burner question is why is the decision to be single always one that equated to being Less Than or Lonely and so the search continues for Mr/Ms Right and ends with Mr/Ms Right Now and nothing that is actually wrong actually gets repaired. Some of the issues I read about on these thread are often only compounded by the continued move from one poorly chosen partner to the next. Where is the Sanity in all that? Steel Well, some of that seems to be about 'patterns of behavior' . . .. . When I recognize some less-than-desirable pattern going on in myself, I generally do pull back & away, try to get a handle on it, & only tentatively re-extend myself within some new framework of understanding & boundaries & such . . . . . But. Many many many people avoid thinking, avoid introspection, avoid analysis, & it becomes the case of one can lead the crazy to rationality, but cannot make them think . . .. . [;)] & what is the pattern of crazy? Doing the same thing over & over & expecting differing results? Okay, the other thing I wanted to add some thinking to: human sociality. It was only when I was taking an intro to physical anthro class that I really started to understand how hyper-social humans are -- relative to other mammals most especially, but even other critters . .. . . It is deep in us, our hard & soft wired need to seek out other humans for all kinds of reasons. But. We live in a culture (US? Western? Current human? shrugs shoulders) which worships at the alter of 'rugged individualism' & idealizes the autonomy of the the 'lone flatworm' (I refuse to cooperate with the patently silly notion that wolves are anything but social critters -- but flatworms, they're very independent) . ... & the routes that our desire for other humans can be expressed are constrained to the point that I suspect many people just need to meet their wider social needs way more than they need some rather obsessive romance. Many obviously seriously conflate the two needs, social & love / lust. Hmmmmm. Lots of really good thinking in this thread. Thanks for the topic, & all the replies . . . . . [sm=evil.gif] Yes, I make up words all I damn well please; & I coin terms as needed; & I use existing language in my own way. I pronounce this one 'so-see-al-i-tee', & use it to help differentiate from all the many 'contaminated' terms of the various social sciences . . . . .. Yes, the social sciences are a mess. Yes, they need more rigor, more science. No, that's not my job this lifetime. Just trying to inform / entertain / afflict my little corner of the universe. Anyways. You may now return to your regularly scheduled existence.

CatdeMedici -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 4:20:45 AM)
I'm single not because I have a string of broken relationships, but because I don't want a string of broken relaionships. I, like a few here, am quite happy single--I don't feel any communal drive, pull, natural demand to "be in a relationship" for other people's reasons. Life for Me extends well beyond the D/s world--in fact D/s is an interest for Me, not a life--- IMHO, there is just too much life out there to experience to be stymied by just one aspect.

InTonguesslave -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 4:28:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pompeii We were born to have relationships. it isnt natural for us not to have a mate. go back to when we lived in caves, our wiring is that we are better off in relationships. whether this mind state kicks back to a time when we lived in herds and numbers = security and a greater liklihood of survival i dont know. but i do know that for centuries horses have been domesticated but they still function better if they have a herd of their own kind to relax and kick back in. its ingrained in us to be with others. why people leap from one relationship to the other must be part of that. not healthy, because emotions dont just stop when the relationship does, theres a period of 'bereavement' first, when you lick youre wounds, reflect and eventually pick yourself up and move on.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 4:46:59 AM)
Why not just be single? I AM!!![:D] I'm single because I can't bother with relationships, or more like I haven't found a person I click with (or click with enough to know the relationship would last) so I don't feel like wasting my time being in a relationship with somebody I know won't last just so I can claim to be in a relationship. (I know enough of people doing that and I don't feel like going down on their level) ..besides that my life right now isn't suitable for relationships.[;)] Why not just get a handle of your own life? I have my life perfectly under control (almost) it will be in 2 years.[;)] Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? I don't know that feeling. How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now? A person that can't dominate themselves shouldn't be dominant to others. A person that can't handle themselves can't expect they can handle others and therefore shouldn't submit to others. I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion? I don't have that kind of profile.[;)] Anyway...my guess is that people seek to be in relationships because they feel insecure being alone.

marie2 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 6:15:53 AM)
I think people tend to repeat patterns and choose the wrong partners consistently because they are sometimes more focused on what they don't want to have again. They are being so careful NOT to find another xyz that they end up attracting exactly that. Half of the profiles here talk 80%-100% about what the person doesn't want. If you live out of state, take a hike. If you don't have a picture, don't bother me. If you're another fake, fuck off. If you're going to sit here and email and never meet rt, get lost. If you're a man posing as a woman, don't bother to write. If you're looking for a doormat, go away. No males or I'll delete your message. If you're poly, I'm not the one for you! etc etc etc. And year after year they are still here with yet ANOTHER journal entry written about yet ANOTHER potential partner who turned out to be one of the things they didn't want. Coincidence? I don't think so.

CatdeMedici -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 6:30:47 AM)
quote: (I also want to point out that in our society, single women over a certain age don’t seen to have any worth. But really….that’s a whole different discussion ) Oh REALLY? hmm, thought this was the 21st century, not the 14th.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 7:44:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pompeii We were born to have relationships. I'd say this depends on what you're calling a "relationship", pompeii. Yes, to some extent all humans are social creatures, and our societal development and society's mores require that we relate to other humans at some minimal level, which could, technically, be called a "relationship". However, it seemed to me that Steel's post was meant to deal with a particular relationship set... committed BDSM/romance relationships, and this is where my agreement on the 'born to have relationships' front notably separates from your statement. At least for myself. I knew when I was young that I wasn't the 'lifelong wedded bliss" type. I promised myself I wouldn't go down that road, but let society (primarily my parents) convince me that I was somehow "broken" for preferring my solitude, and so I entered into any number of relationships. It's taken me over 20 years to come full-circle and realize that I had been right about myself as a youngster -- I'm happier, healthier (physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually), and so are the people I associate with if I am -not- in a bound and contracted romance relationship with them.

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