RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~

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KneelforAnne -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 8:12:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici quote: (I also want to point out that in our society, single women over a certain age don’t seen to have any worth. But really….that’s a whole different discussion ) Oh REALLY? hmm, thought this was the 21st century, not the 14th. Hello CatdeMedici, I shouldn’t have said “any” in my post. I should have said “a great deal”. Of course things are much, much better than the 14th century, however those trends and ways of thinking haven’t been completely eradicated. ~anne

CatdeMedici -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 8:14:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici quote: (I also want to point out that in our society, single women over a certain age don’t seen to have any worth. But really….that’s a whole different discussion ) Oh REALLY? hmm, thought this was the 21st century, not the 14th. Hello CatdeMedici, I shouldn’t have said “any” in my post. I should have said “a great deal”. Of course things are much, much better than the 14th century, however those trends and ways of thinking haven’t been completely eradicated. ~anne Agreed, better, but still need work.

prpackaged -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 8:49:26 AM)
Absolutely fascinating thread. And here I thought that we gathered at Collarme in order to interact with people of similar interests. [8\|] The true intent of this site is to arrange a dating service to create a situation where "single" people match up with single people and become couples? I wish that I had kept that article out of one of the business magazines. the one that pointed out that marriages were not intended to create couple but to create alliances with others. It would have been a great article to quote on this thread. I find it so strange that there are profiles that state that the "single" object is not here to shop for another single person but is here to make friends and influence others. Yet will indicate that all possibilities are open. I am here to explore and to learn. I am here to meet people and expand my horizons. Are you single? I am not sure that I will ever meet your needs as I am in a not so perfect relationship, rather I am in a human relationship where we both grow. If you entire purpose is to find, trap and mary your oh so special person, then why are you not surfing match.com or one of the other on line dating services? I would love to enjoy the use of a submissives body and would entertain the loaning of my body if a "dom" was interested. I am not intersted, "at this time" in forming a permanent legal relationship. I do not understand why so many are only interested in the formated bolt chasing a nut which keeps replying: not without a washer. If you want to explore what you are capable of experiencing, be open and accepting (aside to the lovely young thing who was so accepting as to give all to someone who took all. Be suer that you are with someone who will give you that mutual economic relationship before your sell yourself for nothing) If you want a legal marital relationship first then go to a marriage broker and trust that the broker will logically find a good match.[8D]

Jeptha -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 10:16:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DemonKia ...the routes that our desire for other humans can be expressed are constrained to the point that I suspect many people just need to meet their wider social needs way more than they need some rather obsessive romance. Many obviously seriously conflate the two needs, social & love / lust. ... Interesting point. I could see a partner as fulfilling the need for social contact in general, as well as whatever the more personal needs might be. In reply to the OP's question, though, I think it's just fairly easy for single het women (particularly submissives) to find partners. I mean, you hear that they are buried under an avalanche of e-mails from prospective suitors... -Who's going to resist that temptation for very long? Thus an plentiful source for remorseful letters when things don't quite work out. Yet, sometimes they do work out! Occasionally you hear the testimonials. Thus, optimism, as Catize said. Hope springs eternal. Taking time off for reflection isn't a bad idea, but as I said: who's going to resist that temptation to stick their hand back in the cookie jar before too long? I wonder: how can one learn from things that didn't work out? And, one thing I wonder specifically: if you are blaming someone else (the partner in the relationship) does that mean you are not acknowledging your own part in the entire process and are therefor likely to repeat the same mistake?

Lostkitten3 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 12:35:47 PM)
The immortal conundrum. Some do, some don't, it's simply a preference. Many people are happier single. It takes a lot of effort to get along with another human. Some of us do choose the wrong sort of person over and over again hoping that this time we can say the magic word to make it all right again, but of course, there is no magic word other than "good bye." I think being kinky makes it all that much more difficult. I think that there are many self absorbed people posing as Doms or Subs, more so than in other sets of people. Many of the smattering of emails written to new subs here are from collectors, or "dominates" who must be weeded through to find the diamond in the rough. Some people get so provoked by their past relationships, they become that personality they hate, to ensure they don't get hurt again. I do wish more people would be ok with being sad when a relationship ends. That when someone says "how are you?" they can say, "well, I'm sad today." It is far healthier than pretending everything is great, just to "get even." But realistically, we are all flawed, and we all have to work on our flaws, or accept them as our "thing" then find someone who is accepting of flaws in humans. Or not. Happiness is entirely subjective. I think the beauty is in the flaws.

Lostkitten3 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 12:40:04 PM)
21st century, 14th century...you'd be amazed. There is still torture and rape and murder...and women are still socially expelled from societal groups for getting divorced. Then treated like sex toys by men who see them as used up. It really does happen. I have been on both sides of that fence and the difference is astounding.

CelticPrince -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/19/2009 7:56:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah There is a Discussin going on in the ask a submissive section that fueled this thread but it was not the ONLY think that fueled this thread. I think that some people get involved in a relationship, ownership, playmate situation or whatever because they are looking to either escape a part of themselves or to have someone else fix them. I have talked at length with many people on this site with those who the discussions go to why they can't find a decent partner I find it interesting how offten I get the following statement. "You know I really want a _______, but the last time I was in a _____________, It ended so badly, and you know I'm afraid to go through that again." I have heard this or a variation of this for my entire time here on CollarMe and for at least as long as I have been in the scene. What I always find funny is that they will tell me this then one of two things happens. They either let wonderful people finally give up on trying and just walk away, or they get involved with the Posterchild for the reason they didn't want to get involved in the first place. Why not just be single? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now? I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion? Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house? Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas? Steel not a thing wrong with being single, many of us are and are well adjusted. CP

CatdeMedici -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 5:39:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticPrince quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah There is a Discussin going on in the ask a submissive section that fueled this thread but it was not the ONLY think that fueled this thread. I think that some people get involved in a relationship, ownership, playmate situation or whatever because they are looking to either escape a part of themselves or to have someone else fix them. I have talked at length with many people on this site with those who the discussions go to why they can't find a decent partner I find it interesting how offten I get the following statement. "You know I really want a _______, but the last time I was in a _____________, It ended so badly, and you know I'm afraid to go through that again." I have heard this or a variation of this for my entire time here on CollarMe and for at least as long as I have been in the scene. What I always find funny is that they will tell me this then one of two things happens. They either let wonderful people finally give up on trying and just walk away, or they get involved with the Posterchild for the reason they didn't want to get involved in the first place. Why not just be single? Why not just get a handle of your own life? Feeling Overwhelmed and afraid that your life is out of control? How exactly is a Relationship, A POWER based relationship gunna fix that for you right now? I mean why have a Profile that says you aren't looking but are open to meeting someone when you are still licking wounds from the last explosion? Seriously why is this done. When I had my little issue in the Lifestyle I removed myself from any situation where I presented myself as interested, I didn't focus on being lonely, instead I focused on why I was Miserable and then dealt with that when it went away I move on and found people who enjoyed the same things I did. It takes time sure but what is the point in going from one failure to potential other before you clean house? Seriously why do people do this? Any Ideas? Steel not a thing wrong with being single, many of us are and are well adjusted. CP You know, I responded to this thread from My personal stance-and now in just the last few days, I have seen with more than one example of what Steel was trying to convey--I have actually seen people who have gone immediately back in to the hunt when their own lives are in, again or are still in, some form of major disarray---I sit here, hmmm, I wish I could say dumbfounded, but its more that sound you make when you take in moist air on one side of your mouth and say----why would you do this? Why would you not wait until your life was in a tad better shape before you pursue this---this--interest? Sure life isn't always filled with moments when all the ducks are in a row, but when someone keeps making the same mistakes, ya haveta wonder, ya know?

camille65 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 7:01:48 AM)
But that isn't exclusive to the D/s world. It happens in every world. People who aren't quite ready for a relationship, trying their utmost to be in a relationship. It has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.. it is a human condition. It is also part of the learning process, learning of the self and of others. Stumbling while learning to finally walk, that is how I see people heading into relationships before they are ready.

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 10:57:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 But that isn't exclusive to the D/s world. It happens in every world. People who aren't quite ready for a relationship, trying their utmost to be in a relationship. It has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.. it is a human condition. I agree however we aren't on an All encompasing Forum we are on a BDSM Forum, And I can say without worry that I see it much more common here in the BDSM Lifestyle than I have ever come across in any other social Structure, however that could be because this is the social structure I am most comfortable in. I hate to lead in onto a split from the Topic however I notice a direct corolation between those who consider themselves Broken in some way and those who continue to Jump from one Relationship to the next and then seek solace in others when once again it fails and then they blame once again a Dom or sub who wasn't Honest, Didn't Live up to their words, or my favorite "One day xhe just wasn't the same person." Where I get the most amount of confusion is the constant idea that "If I had the RIGHT (Enter Type Here) that Everything would be so much better" which is the idea that it is never my fault it is always the person I end up with. Rarely do I hear "You know I pick really bad Dom's and I would like to take some time to figure out why that is." quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 It is also part of the learning process, learning of the self and of others. Stumbling while learning to finally walk, that is how I see people heading into relationships before they are ready. I disagree with this. I do not belive that ignoring your own responsibility is part of the learning process in fact I would go so far as to say that if you continue to do this serial dating which consistantly ends in emotional break down that you are not learning from your histroy and as such are re-living it. I would like to see people understand that they are physically attracted to many different things however the emotional attraction and over all metaphysical attraction tends to be the same all the time. Yes women are attracted to assholes and jerks and believe it or not on a subconcious level they are looking for those traits it is part of the feeling one gets when one Swoons, their body is reacting to numerous triggers many are chemical and some are visual but a great many are behavioral. To Break the Cycle one must accept that they themselves will only pick healthy relationships when all parts of them are healthy. Mind, Body and Soul. I believe this will all my heart, I only found what I have from doing things that already made me happy, sure we aren't perfect but I am leary of perfection. I feel the shinier the object the more work it will take to keep it that way. Give me what feels right and good over what feels perfect anyday. Steel

kidwithknife -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 11:50:52 AM)
It works both ways. On one hand, you definitely have the people who will jump instantly from one failed relationship to another. Never slowing down enough to work out why it didn't work and repeating the same mistakes again and again. On the other, I've certainly known people who are basically single because they're afraid of the intimacy not being would entail. And claiming you're staying single because you don't want a relationship sounds a lot nobler than admitting you just fear rejection.

MissSepphora1 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 12:14:00 PM)
women want to procreate and seek stability and security. men settle because they get tired of looking, and are pressured into a relationship by the woman for before mentioned reasons. even if men reassure the woman they are happy in the relationship, men will take whatever else they can get on the side, because that's what men do. so the question really is why do men agree to relationships they don't really want in the first place.

camille65 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 12:16:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1 women want to procreate and seek stability and security. men settle because they get tired of looking, and are pressured into a relationship by the woman for before mentioned reasons. even if men reassure the woman they are happy in the relationship, men will take whatever else they can get on the side, because that's what men do. so the question really is why do men agree to relationships they don't really want in the first place. Yikes that sounds very anti-male. There are men that seek procreation, stability and don't want to screw every female in sight.

NihilusZero -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 12:34:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1 women want to procreate and seek stability and security. men settle because they get tired of looking, and are pressured into a relationship by the woman for before mentioned reasons. even if men reassure the woman they are happy in the relationship, men will take whatever else they can get on the side, because that's what men do. so the question really is why do men agree to relationships they don't really want in the first place. I'll take "Projected Unremedied Bitterness" for $400, please Alex.

kidwithknife -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 12:59:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero I'll take "Projected Unremedied Bitterness" for $400, please Alex. I'll see that and raise you a "misuse of evolutionary biology to validate personal opinion".

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 1:06:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1 women want to procreate and seek stability and security. men settle because they get tired of looking, and are pressured into a relationship by the woman for before mentioned reasons. even if men reassure the woman they are happy in the relationship, men will take whatever else they can get on the side, because that's what men do. so the question really is why do men agree to relationships they don't really want in the first place. Not to keep jumping you, but I thought I would take some time out to point out that there are an amazing amout of women who believe this is true. For them it usually is. They are attracted to men whom are incapable of being Monogamous and due to the fact that many women are willing to give them attention and affection they will continue on being that way. What I find funny is that women who think ALL men are this way offten have a history of dating men who show all the same traits that this type of person portrays, They are usually Cocky yet call it Confident and their arrogance is usually mistaken for Dominance or Strength. I have only cheated once in my life and felt so bad about it I had to confess and terminate the relationship immediatly. I have carried that with me for over 10 years and still frown about my actions. I may be Poly but I am not interested in getting anything on the side. I am Proof that what this poster says is not true for all men in fact I like to believe that MOST men are not the way that is presented however I would like to know what this poster has done to change the QUALITY of men that the come into contact with or if they have just decided that it isn't worth it and just done away with the practice. Steel

MissSepphora1 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 2:00:03 PM)
My previous relationship with a man with submissive tendancies was what truly cemented this idea in my head. He is not cocky nor confident. He is more along the lines of the guy who tends to be the "best friend" and never quite gets the girl he really wants. He told me in every relationship he's ever been in, he always searched for something better, and kept the "okay" girl as the back up. This is a man who is not confident with women, who is shy and tends to have image issues, but he still always thought he would eventually find better. Also there is another sub that I have seen as a playmate for a couple of years. He was married when we first started playing, and he told me over and over that I was the most beautiful, perfect domme he'd ever been with. He is now divorced, and seeing someone else. And still has me as a playmate. The last time we were together, before he left he told me he loved me. I don't really care, I'm not looking to validate myself with a man. I just wish that more men would be honest about their true feelings. It would be better for everyone.

MissSepphora1 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 2:09:17 PM)
And to the point of finding a "better" quality of man. If the man is lying about who and what he is to start with, how are women supposed to know their quality? Why is it always put on the women when the men are the ones lying? I'm sorry but I wasn't born with a lie detector in my brain.

kidwithknife -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 2:11:39 PM)
Start by not assuming that they're lying to you. If you decide beforehand that they're going to betray your trust, it makes it more likely. Self-fufilling prophecy. (And two men is not enough of a sample group to draw categorical conclusions from).

MissSepphora1 -> RE: ~~Being Responsible by Staying Single~~ (4/20/2009 2:14:51 PM)
I was just pointing out the two who did not fit into the box of cocky and confident, sauve and self assured. The problem is I do trust men, and don't find out until later that they lied.

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