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You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 5:50:02 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Over the last few days, I have read with much interest Steel's post about being responsibly single. Through that I have seen posts like Mine that say, " I am happily single"--and I was recently challenged with:

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking?"--I have My response, but I wonder if My response is a need to defend versus validate versus simply state: we are what we believe, irregardless...

what say you?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

Post #: 1

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 5:55:55 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I say you can still be oriented toward a role whether you have a partner or not. Being single doesn't turn you into a neutral entity. Of course, being in that role and being fulfilled by it are two completely different things.

_____________________________

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 2

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 5:56:52 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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I am a Dominant, and I don't need anyone else's permission to call myself that. Being a Dom is a state of mind and a behavior pattern.

OTOH, I could not call myself a Master unless others thought of me that way.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 3

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 5:59:22 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
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From: Not your hood
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I disagree. I think DarkStevenis a big cuddly teddybear!

I think most people would agree that a dominant person is dominant because their character is dominant. You can be dominant even though you've never been in the lifestyle, heck you can be dominant without knowing that the lifestyle exists. Same goes for submissives.

.............. I think that if you say 'I'm dominant because I was born that way I don't need a sub to prove it' (or whateva) then you are stating both.
I don't think you can answer the question without the answer having a dual meaning.
Even though it may have one meaning to you, that is explaining for the person that a person can be dominant without the bdsm dynamic, then it will always be able to have a dual meaning to the inquirer.

< Message edited by subtlebutterfly -- 4/20/2009 6:03:52 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:02:49 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
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To me it's not much different than, for example, having a slice of carrot cake. Yes, I love caramel rolls, but I don't have one, I have carrot cake, and I'm plenty happy.

Well, okay, I don't actually have either right at this exact moment, but you get the idea.

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(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 5

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:03:03 AM

InTonguesslut

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
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This is all semantics.

Can a teacher be a teacher without a class to teach?
Can a sub be a sub without someone to submit to?

If you want to call yourself something feel free, if ya don't don't.
Simple.

< Message edited by InTonguesslut -- 4/20/2009 6:08:03 AM >

_____________________________

Aka missturbation

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If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:06:05 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i'm an collared submissive who owns a male submissive. i've received messages from other fem submissives who were confused that a submissive could do that. i don't like labeling myself as a switch however i do have dominant tendencies but only with the right person.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 7

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:09:19 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking?"--I have My response, but I wonder if My response is a need to defend versus validate versus simply state: we are what we believe, irregardless...

what say you?

I used to wonder similarly, until I realized I could be a slave, without being involved with another human; I chose a concept as Master.

To me, Sir would still be a Dom, even if he were without sub, it is in his demeanor, and the ‘code’ in which he lives by.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 8

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:25:46 AM

wisdomofgiving

Posts: 55
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline

Hi CatdeMedici
I too have taken a special interest in Steel's thread. Many people feel it is unnatural to want to remain single. Being single is a task that one does, until the right person comes along. When that happens then you can be normal again. Coupling, pairing up is a norm and those outside that norm are considered abnormal. I am a submissive and a wonderful one. I do not need to be owned, wear a collar, be branded or have a Dom active in my everyday life. I do not need someone to lead me and direct me daily so I can feel submissive. If this is abnormal so be it. BDSM is in the norm right? Even when married, late hubby understood my need for privacy and being left alone. He often mentioned if he could afford it he would buy me my own place. We were married and happy for 29 yrs. though many looked at us as odd, as they went through there 1st, 2nd etc. marriages. Not many can permit me the freedom of being single and be secure in themselves. At this time in my life, marriage is not needed, nor is living with someone. In many ways I have the best of both worlds, at least suited for me. People might call me many things, or say I am not this or that, and it is okay. Their lack of understanding gets in the way. I plan on staying single. I will continue being submissive without play mates, and i plan on living life to its' fullest.
wisdomofgiving

_____________________________

Though my heart will always be connect to the ocean winds, my mind is now learning about the wisdom of giving.

once and always an oceanwynds and now wisdomofgiving

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 9

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:31:38 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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I see it much the same as sexual orientation. I am straight, gay, or bi-sexual whether or not I have a partner at the moment.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 10

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 6:53:35 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

and I was recently challenged with:

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking?"--I have My response, but I wonder if My response is a need to defend versus validate versus simply state: we are what we believe, irregardless...

what say you?

Isn't that kind of like saying you can't be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual unless you are actually having sex at that point in time?

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 11

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 7:10:56 AM

Bearandfox

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Joined: 4/8/2009
Status: offline

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking?"--
By not subscribing to be the definition of an adjective when being used as a noun according to that individuals criteria.
I think some things that get used here often are more an idea, than a complete descriptor.. Taking this adjective and using it as a noun is going to leave it wider open for personal interpretation when the sentence is left incomplete.
How can you be a Dominant__________, when you don’t have a sub, don’t play and aren’t seeking?”
Bear

< Message edited by Bearandfox -- 4/20/2009 7:14:30 AM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 12

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 7:16:18 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The words "dominant" and "submissive" are adjectives in addition to being titles and, as adjectives, they describe character traits that are going to be stuck there regardless of whether someone is in a relationship or not.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
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(in reply to Bearandfox)

Post #: 13

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 7:17:28 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearandfox

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking?"--
By not subscribing to be the definition of an adjective when being used as a noun according to that individuals criteria.
I think some things that get used here often are more an idea, than a complete descriptor.. Taking this adjective and using it as a noun is going to leave it wider open for personal interpretation when the sentence is left incomplete.
How can you be a Dominant__________, when you don’t have a sub, don’t play and aren’t seeking?”
Bear

*sigh*

I should read through responses more often before replying in order to avoid creating an echo chamber.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Bearandfox)

Post #: 14

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 7:43:17 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

If the prerequisite for being a Dominant let alone a Master was ownership of a slave, I know a good many Masters in similar Lifestyles to my own, including a large number of Gorean Free Men who may as well just walk away from the scene. The same applies for public play. The Lifestyles I refer to and especially the Victorian and Gorean lifestyles are not truly part of the core BDSM Scene simply as BDSM is not a part of those lifestyles and not is ownership of a slave. Owning a slave is one of the delicious perks and those of us who also enjoy BDSM, have it not as the mainstay of our Lifestyle but rather as our quirky form of personal entertainment. Agreed that for some this may seem a matter of semantics but it is true never the less. Including others in a D/s relationship many of us choose not to play publicly and some even (as I do at this time), void mingling or attending with those in the public face of BDSM other than personal friends. For some of us the bitchiness and back stabbing found in the local groups leave a bad taste in our mouths and thus we prefer to avoid such juvenile activities and the arenas where such activities occur.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 15

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 8:30:09 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Since it is my own personal belief that being Dominant or submissive is a personality trait and something that you ARE ( versus something that you do ), it matters little whether or not a person has a submissive to serve them or a Dominant to serve. You would still be either Dominant or submissive in my eyes.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 16

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 8:37:49 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

" How can you be a Dominant, when You don't have a sub, don't play and aren't seeking

In my opinion, it's really quite simple. Dominant/submissive are just words, labels we give ourselves. They're also personality traits. If you are dominant by nature then you will remain that whether you have a sub, play or not and are seeking or not.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 17

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 8:47:03 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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Wow, I didn't know I needed another person to validate me and make me something I cannot be without another person!

Somebody doesn't understand far too much to bother explaining it all to them. Where is that fly swatter?

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 18

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 9:00:04 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
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~fr~

Felt a need to note; I do not see being dominant, the same as being a Dominant. I would not refer to one of my ex-boyfriends, whom is dominant, as a Dom. Sir, however, will always be a Dom, as long as he chooses to continue to be.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 19

RE: You Can't Be This, If You Don't Have That - 4/20/2009 9:02:32 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

~fr~

Felt a need to note; I do not see being dominant, the same as being a Dominant. I would not refer to one of my ex-boyfriends, whom is dominant, as a Dom. Sir, however, will always be a Dom, as long as he chooses to continue to be.

Kim

How do you define that difference?

_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 20

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