RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued)

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued)

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 4/24/2009 9:40:37 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

Lady Hibiscus is probably right. But I still think it is worth it to make every effort to see if aspects of our scene might appeal to the wife. I have seen several women who had zero interest become great lifestyle dommes. These ladies thought they were not into female dominance at all until it was presented to them in the right way. If it doesn't work, at least you did all you could. A husband owes his wife that much. Start with running a bath, buying flowers, and doing housework. Very few women will turn that stuff down.

Let's face it - many submissive husbands don't just want to get flowers, run baths and do dishes to scratch their submissive itch. They want to be dominated. Then a resentment builds when a woman appreciates these things but does not ratchet up her "dominance" or behave in a manner that the sub craves and desires. Submission cannot exist in a vacuum.

I've seen more success from a very clear and realistic idea of expectations from the sub, combined with a TOTAL lack of pressure on the vanilla wife - but MOST importantly, the wife is presented the idea of BDSM in a way free from stereotypes. The S&M stereotypes have all but ruined any perception that S&M, or B&D, can be fun, flirty and free of pressure/expectation. The single most damaging roadblock for vanilla women, I have found, is "pressure to perform." The idea that she must act a way, dress a way and DO acts that she finds ridiculous or mean. You remove these parameters and instead present S&M in a lighter way -- a physical way in which a woman enjoys the REACTIONS of her man as she displays confidence and control (in a no-pressure environment) makes it much more enjoyable.

I think at the core, most women - no matter how vanilla - enjoy feeling sexy and powerful in some doses. Even the most conservative woman gets a bit of a thrill when she wears a dress that she knows pushes her man's buttons. As teenagers, girls sadistically push the buttons of their boyfriends to make them prove their affection and love - often in ego-crushing ways - as part of the mating dance. They long to see *some* vulnerability -in a safe way and in a way that doesn't make their guy a "wimp." They want to be desired and pursued. These are all forms of control. The stumbling block comes from expectations and fear of failure.

I could write a novel on this and practically have. I won't rehash the whole thing, but a google search will deliver some more of my opinions on the topic. I've "loaned" many vanilla girlfriends toys and given them tips - and these are NOT kinky women.

Akasha

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 4/25/2009 4:28:33 AM

Goddess2002

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Joined: 2/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Drifa

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goddess2002

So I'm wondering...if one has been with a vanilla partner for some time, but has always maintained an interest in kink and wanting to explore it, is it best for the partners to got heir separate ways and seek someone who may better fit what they're looking for? There are many other variables of course to consider, but I'm just wondering how something like that could best be worked out.

Again, the key is communication. Sit down and talk candidly with your partner. Explain the kinky desires you're having. Ask if you can experiment with it some together, as a couple.

If you can't manage this type of communication, IMHO you have no business in a kink relationship at all. It's important to be able to discuss your needs, your limits, and so on, at least up front. And if you are in any type of LTR, communication is what makes ANY relationship work.

Just to clarify...I wasn't asking regarding my own relationship...a friend of mine is struggling right now with this very issue.

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 4/25/2009 8:59:59 AM

slavekal

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Ms. Aakasha, I have seen more success the other way around. Once a woman begins to see just how powerful her femininity can be, and that her man (and others) enjoy serving her, she often begins to want to explore the limits of that power. Sometimes they discover that they are actually very dominant and even sadistic. True, a man has to be very careful not to pressure the lady, especially during the initial stages. Different techniques work differently for different people. But I have used this one successfully, and I personally know other men who have done the same.

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 4/29/2009 12:20:47 PM

hubbywants2submi

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Joined: 4/5/2008
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I have been reading many times over each of your replies and Thank You for the responses. I have come to the conclusion that I need to have a sit down with her, share with her my deep desires and also seek her desires. We both maybe be surprised and experience once again a new and freshness a side that has been seeking to come out, now that the nest is empty. I do agree molding her is not the proper approach and letting her be her with us both agreeing to various types of role playing. I will do this and repost here in the near future where we have come as a couple.
Thank you again.

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 5/6/2009 9:42:45 AM

ranja

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I wish you so much good luck...i have been in your position too, am fem sub though so maybe my 'quest' was easier...i managed to draw Him in and we are good now, better than ever actually...i still come here for my cyber adventures though

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 5/6/2009 3:19:20 PM

pinkwind

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Joined: 1/9/2005
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It's a pity your unmentionable former career didn't furnish you with the relevant skills set to be able to understand why a woman who thought she had married a man more dominant in nature than herself might find it difficult, even confusing or possibly offensive, being cajoled into dominance over time.

But then you did say that you understood that she had seen you as dominant at the beginning of your relationship, seeing you "in action" as it were in your unmentionable former career. i would have thought that it might have furnished you with the relevant insight, understanding, as it seems that a lot of other folk here seem to agree on the basic fact that your good lady wife may indeed be as submissive as yourself, or at least as un-dominant as you are submissive.

That said, if she could suspend her seeming reticence, if you could find a point of mutual interest, she might possibly come to be a Top to your bottom, given time, together with free flowing communication, her understanding and her agreement. It is doubtful you could mould or persuade her in any way that would prove fulfilling for either or both of you, and could possibly damage to your relationship were you to carry on trying, and not even employing the techniques learnt during your unmentionable former career would help the situation.

In all seriousness, if the lady does not wish, or feel compelled, to deny her underlying nature no amount of trying will change that.

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RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (contin... - 5/6/2009 4:56:06 PM

Andalusite

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hubbywants, I hope the conversation goes well for you, and either way, I'm glad you decided to be honest with her. I'd suggest not focusing on how long you've wanted it (don't lie, but don't make her focus primarily on "why didn't you tell me sooner" either).

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Post #: 27