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Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/21/2009 6:50:12 PM

aliciajbird

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Joined: 4/17/2009
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Do these people just wake up one morning and say they are this person today? To me i think when one claims this title they should really understand that their is many on here that has a background history of sexually molested as a child and havin being raped as a child from an adult to not know nothing else but this lifestyle.So then they seek a person to continue this lifestyle but in a legal form now being an adult.I'm wondering how many on here have been molested as a child and how many on here play this as a fantasy. It seems so many on here are looking for a girl to have please them in many ways.Some on here have any commited to be a 24/7 live in without spending time with the person and knowing anything about their history. I myself enjoy a little bdsm but how far should a person actually go and who do you trust these days.

Post #: 1

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/21/2009 7:03:39 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Well I've been Dominant for as long as I can remember. But I've been practicing BDSM since I was 19 years old. I made sure that I educated myself and I listened to people who had more experience than I did (with a grain of salt with some). So I feel I earned my title.

So in answer to your question YES some people say Oh I am a Master/Mistress today because I want to paddle someone's ass (or they are just plain horny and want some kinky sex). They don't know how to paddle someone or any safety procautions, but they feel the title gives them the right. Should they do this? No, but they do and this is why subs need to be cautious with who they call "Master/Mistress".

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 2

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/21/2009 7:04:54 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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While there are many topics that you are getting into, I think the very best thing I can say is...

Be strong in who you are and know what you want and wish to be a part of. That is the best way to assure that you won't be taken in, won't cave in and will know when to tell someone to go the hell away. You cannot expect right off to trust someone and assuming that they know anything is a big mistake. If you have issues from the past it is for you to deal with and find healing in. To expect a dominant to understand all things maybe a professional should know might be a bit too much. There are people throughout life and ways of living that have been abused.

Personally I do not want to carry on a fantasy that stems from past abuse, if that is what you were saying. I am sure that would be a real turn off to some who would be taking the place of someone who was a preditor. If there is an abuse issue to get over or through, you need to focus on that yourself and not expect anyone else to cater to it. Yes, people can help and some may help heal within a relationship of any kind, but you first have a responsibilty to yourself to see that you are where you need to be. It isn't someone else's job.

Use common sense in any relationship and that goes for around here or vanilla.

_____________________________

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(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 3

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/21/2009 8:14:51 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Errr...there is no licensing bureau for the use of the title "Master" or "Mistress", so far as I know. Nor would I be willing to submit to the bureau if there was.

In my opinion, people who have to call themselves "Master" or "Mistress" are kinda like people who give themselves a nickname because they have no friends. The point of the title is the context of a relationship...

This being said, I find the OP a little confusing, especially with its mention of childhood sexual abuse and associated PTS issues. It's always a mistake to go looking for a dominant when what you need is a therapist. Don't expect every dominant you meet to be trained to deal with these issues or even WILLING to deal with this stuff--and jeez, it's a free Internet dating site. Not every interaction you have with people is going to be high quality.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 4

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 12:19:27 AM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
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i think the old addage 'let the buyer beware' is appropriate here. bdsm is just another type of relationship. you need to spend time getting to know the person. discover over time if you can trust them. then decide if you are comfortable being in a relationship with them. not really any different from vanilla relationships in that.

_____________________________

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(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 5

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 12:25:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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You know, I really came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth it. I know I'm in a very small minority around here, but I earned My leathers. I'm not going to try to compare those decisions made by consenting adults to those atrocities that may have happened to folk who were not.

This OP reminds Me too much of those who would have the rape victim assaulted again by the trial attempting to convict the attacker.

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(in reply to atypicalsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 12:47:04 AM

stella41b

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Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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In such a situation I do believe one has a choice between remaining a victim or continuing through life as a survivor and seeking to maintain a healthy perspective on one's past.

Reason, motivation and intention all lie behind our actions and abuse and molestation are not part of a healthy dynamic or relationship or indeed of this lifestyle.

Casting aspertions on people in this community simply for what has been in the past is hardly a way forward. I wish the OP freedom from such a slanted and skewed perspective.

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(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 7

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 2:35:09 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
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well let's see froma different perspective..my wife claimed to be a Domina..oh she acted the part at first but once that wedding ring was slipped on everything changed.So i was sold a bag of goods and the sad part is for various reasons which i won't get into here..i am stuck like a pin.i can only hope there is a shred of light for me somewhere somehow someway..other than that..yes people pose,and obviously for theri own selfish reasons.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 8

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 2:48:52 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
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yes some ppl just say it...like some say they are an artist because the drew a tulip in GR 6...or they are a healer becuz the took a weekend "shaman" course...

MANY ppl misrepresent them selves every day..so one must be strong..grounded..alert..educated...and sensitive to red flags...
I would suggest asking DOMS for references..or someone in the community you can talk to...most are happy to give references within reason
Some subs I have talked to had this info ready as we spoke

As to sexual molestation!!
wow
therapy needed not BDsM..
I always ask #1...are there abuse issues here?
if so I will not consider that person without proper therapy..

only the most caring and experianced could begin to understand the dynamics
which would come into play with such a person
They may have DID...PTSD and etc..going on..
BdsM is no palce to "work" this out

BE SAFE..

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 4/22/2009 2:50:41 AM >

(in reply to chezzy71)

Post #: 9

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 3:36:49 AM

Goddess2002

Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
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OP...people can claim to be whatever they wish...especially over the internet. As in any type of communication, each party obviously should learn as much as possible about the other rather than jumping in to anything. Trust takes time to build and earn.

My professional background is in sexual trauma resolution...so your post resonated with me. Fantasies or activity that re-enacts past abuse isn't healthy...but please understand that BDSM and child molestation are two completely different things. While there certainly may be people who engage in BDSM who have been molested, I assure you there are just as many in the "vanilla" world.

How far to go and who to trust are up to you....I would sincerely advise, though, that if your past abuse continues to bring up issues for you (and it sounds like it does), that you find a reliable therapist in your community to help...I agree wth Gypzyqueen that BDSM is NOT the place to work out trauma issues. Good luck to you.

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 10

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 5:48:33 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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OP, if this is a repeated pattern for you, you need to find out what all those relationships had in common. It's you. Specifically, there is something in you that is moving too fast, ignoring warning bells, etc.

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(in reply to Goddess2002)

Post #: 11

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 7:11:47 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It's not uncommon fora man to wish for a woman who would do anything he desired without talking back, whether it is sexually, for service, or perhaps in much greater ways. Not all of these men are truly Doms. I know a "Master" who has been in the lifestyle for over 20 years and is well respected in his community but is basically looking for someone who fits into his cookie cutter image of the fantasy he's never been able to fulfill. He doesn't care about the person nearly as much as whether he can shape them into his preconceived notion. This shows that whether new to the lifestyle or experienced someone can lose sight of the fact that the sub/slave needs fulfillment or there is no reason for them to stick around.

As for going through abuse as a child, it is a sad fact that over 900,000 American children are abused each year. While many of us may have that in our past it does not necessarily have anything to do with being in the lifestyle - either as top or bottom. Personally I suffered more from neglect than abuse and I know that's part of what has shaped who I am and why I try so hard to please. However, I don't expect a Dom to "fix" that. I do it as much in my business life as in my personal, and because I can't stand to have people disagree it has turned me into an expert negotiator leaving everyone feeling that they just won. A Master I have dealt with has helped me through more emotional healing than I ever believed was possible but it was because it was the first time I ever allowed myself to trust someone else so deeply. He didn't set out to "heal" me - it came through self realization and having someone care enough about me not to let me just throw up the walls and clam up.

Yes, there are posers and users within BDSM just as in the general population. You need to keep your eyes open and if you want someone that truly cares about YOU and not just the services that you provide for them it will take some digging. That's also true whether the relationship is BDSM or vanilla. You need to get to know the person to be able to trust them, and may find a lot of fool's gold before you find the genuine article. They are out there and well worth the wait.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 10:05:35 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I have run into some who believe that a re-enactment of something trumatic brings healing, who were into bdsm and I did google a bit and found that there are some mental health professional's that believe this is a method of treatment. They of course are rare and not taken seriously from what I read.

In my opinion as a former victim and survivor and with lot's of experience in working with victims of different types of things, it would take a professional overseeing anything that might be attempted in using this method of treatment. Notice I say treatment. I would consider anyone trying this as practicing mental health without a license in a very intense situation that would require far more than someone like me who has some experience as a lay counslor. It would be dangerous and could cause futher damage.

Anyone willing to take on a situation like this ought to have their head examined. If the op has run into people suggesting this as a form of healing or anything else, again I would recommend seeking professional assistance. If you attempted to use a re-enactment of past abuse under the guise of bdsm or something healthy and now legal, I would consider that there was something about what happened that confuses you and you may see as loving or safe in a false sense of either or both. Maybe to deal with what happened you lessened the degree of harm or the ugly of the situation or what was done to be able to handle it all. Continuing to embrace the unembraceable would likely keep you trapped in what is called stinkin thinkin, where what isn't quite right is considered normal and justifiable.

While many here have expressed the need to seek professional assistance, they do not say this in a heartless or cruel way. They are seeing from your post some confusion and are concerned that what you are attempting is conflicting even in your own words op. If someone else or you have come up with the idea to re-enact what you have been through in abuse as a means of pleasure or healing, please stop and find a mental health professional that you will determine to be totally honest with.

I do wish you well and hope that whatever you do, you find a way to more healthy relationships and expectations.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 13

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 10:14:29 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I can't speak for every one, I'm not qualified to, butno most people don't just wake up one morning and think, so this is what I'll be.

Being dominant and having a desire to be a Master or Mistress, is usually something that has been inside of you for quite a long time and has been a work of progress and is your personality. In my experince at least.

Those who do decide oh hey I'm a dominant now cause I woke up this morning and decided to say so should be avoided in my opinion, and again in my opinion, doing something about your dominant proclivities has nothing to do with knowin people on kinky sites have been molested or abused.

I'm a switch, and will be so and if you were molested and beaten and raped, that won't change me being who I am one iota. I am still a switch, I am still a dominant and driving force in my relationship.

And rape and molestation and abuse isn't "this lifestyle" there is no "lifestyle" in rape and molestation and abuse, And if that is why you're seeking a dom, to further be molested raped and abused, non consentually, good for you but I won't go there with you. * general you not you the aliciajbird*

And yes I was molested from 4th grade clear up to to before I turned 13. And yes I was abused daily almost, emotionally and pyschically and mentally, and my opinion still stands, that, abuse others may have suffered has no bearing on what I decide to do with my dispositional proclivities or announcing that I am a Dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aliciajbird

Do these people just wake up one morning and say they are this person today? To me i think when one claims this title they should really understand that their is many on here that has a background history of sexually molested as a child and havin being raped as a child from an adult to not know nothing else but this lifestyle.So then they seek a person to continue this lifestyle but in a legal form now being an adult.I'm wondering how many on here have been molested as a child and how many on here play this as a fantasy. It seems so many on here are looking for a girl to have please them in many ways.Some on here have any commited to be a 24/7 live in without spending time with the person and knowing anything about their history. I myself enjoy a little bdsm but how far should a person actually go and who do you trust these days.

(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 14

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 10:31:08 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aliciajbird

Do these people just wake up one morning and say they are this person today? To me i think when one claims this title they should really understand that their is many on here that has a background history of sexually molested as a child and havin being raped as a child from an adult to not know nothing else but this lifestyle.So then they seek a person to continue this lifestyle but in a legal form now being an adult.I'm wondering how many on here have been molested as a child and how many on here play this as a fantasy. It seems so many on here are looking for a girl to have please them in many ways.Some on here have any commited to be a 24/7 live in without spending time with the person and knowing anything about their history. I myself enjoy a little bdsm but how far should a person actually go and who do you trust these days.

ok I have a question.
The newbies in here..the first posts have become so much like this lately..is it just me or is it increasing that people enter the door fussing and pouting n just being plain annoying n trolling?
not saying that this's a troll post but heck it sure is ..pouty.

as to the bold part... *jawdrop...headshaking...headscratching...jawpickup*
I suppose..you can understand this in a couple of ways.
However, I understand it the way that you're not only saying that sexual molestation is a lifestyle, but also that the bdsm lifestyle is pretty much equal to rape and sexual molestation of any kind (which, as I mentioned before, you apparently call as some kind of a lifestyle) I'm glad that somebody believes that sexual offence is a lifestyle.

Therefore, I honestly don't understand why you're then interested in the lifestyle..well perhaps you just like rough sex ..yanno the rape fantasy n all.
This probably wasn't supposed to sound like that..but to me, it definitely did.

so.. oooookay..even though this's the most...disgusting.. bullshit comparison I have ever heard..read..on this forum................
I think I've officially had it and I am out.
Adios.

_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 15

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 11:26:23 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Orrrr, am I supposed to be dominant as a way to get revenge for past transgressions against me?

That would be like blaming an adult male cousin for my sexual preference. Ahhhhhhhhh NO.

I am dominant because that is my personality trait. I feel like all is right in the world, in a power exchange relationship. I think women are yummy sexy and men are.........meh.

I refuse to blame, or give any power to, the morons in my past.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 16

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 4:02:04 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I've been approached by people who want to recreate some traumatic abuse experience from their past, and I recommend that they seek professional help.

I don't consider myself as having been abused, but I've had some bad experiences, and yanno? That was before. If I had wanted vengeance of some kind, I would have sought it out, not become a dominant!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 17

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 4:11:34 PM

LAgirlsub

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I think women are yummy sexy and men are.........meh.

I refuse to blame, or give any power to, the morons in my past.

I just want to be silly....rock on LaTigresse.

I'm fortunate that I don't have any abuse issues/experiences in my life, I've known I was gay from 16-17, but too many women in my life have. I'll never understand it fully, because I'll never really understand hurting someone else - especially in a sexually abusive manner.

< Message edited by LAgirlsub -- 4/22/2009 4:12:28 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 4:17:08 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

"Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master?"

Yep. Constantly.

Talk is cheap. Judge people by their actions.

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(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 19

RE: Do people just claim to be a Mistress/Master? - 4/22/2009 6:54:42 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Of course people claim to be all sorts of things, all the time. This is not a new phenomenon.

The better question is: Why would any one believe things they are told by strangers on the Internet or even face-to-face?

For the record, for anyone who cares, I am not a mistress. I am the owner of one slave currently who has earned the right to use that title for me.

However I do have a Master's degree and before it was superseded by my Doctorate. So in terms of history I could say that I was a "mistress or master of history" but now I'm a doctor of of it.

Assuming you believe me and unless you know me, why should you?

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 4/22/2009 6:55:12 PM >

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to aliciajbird)

Post #: 20

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