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How to ask A Dom to play - 4/21/2009 9:02:17 PM

Lyrica52

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A new female unattached submissive in my BDSM group aked a question, Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/21/2009 10:19:11 PM

greeneyedreamer

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quote:

Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

Why on earth would you ask a Dom with a collared submissive to play with you? Would you ask a guy who was engaged out on a date? Well, I think if he's a Poly Dom you would know it or not.. if not, leave him alone and find someone more unattached...

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/21/2009 10:45:36 PM

GreedyTop

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I'd ask the submissive, respectfully, if she would be opposed to the idea, first.

ETA:: Green... the question was about a play session, not sex or a lifelong commitment. There are a lot of doms/subs that don't mind sessions outside the primary relationship.

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 4/21/2009 10:47:26 PM >

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/21/2009 11:48:20 PM

RCdc

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Find out if they are poly or not and then ask them whilst all together. If they do not identify as poly, then do not ask.
And whilst there are people who do play poly in a monogamous relationship, it's still poly.

the.dark.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/21/2009 11:56:36 PM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I'd ask the submissive, respectfully, if she would be opposed to the idea, first.

That wouldn't go down well with a lot f folks, Me included. I Own her NOT the other way around! Whilst I appreciate what you'd be trying to do, her feelings in the matter are My responcibility but I do not need her permission for what I choose to do!

If it isn't already known then a polite enquiry to Him asking IF He played with others rather than assuming and asking if He would consider playing with you.

If, as in My case, it states in the profile that He does occassionaly then should be fine to skip to asking if He maybe consider doing so. Just do so openly and directly and making sure it didn't look like you where suggesting doing anything behind His girls back (Which I would take as a serious insult if I thought that is what they where trying to do)

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 6:03:34 AM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I'd ask the submissive, respectfully, if she would be opposed to the idea, first.

That wouldn't go down well with a lot of folks, Me included. I Own her NOT the other way around! Whilst I appreciate what you'd be trying to do, her feelings in the matter are My responsibility but I do not need her permission for what I choose to do!

Applause!
I concur.
If its like any of the groups I have been in the OP will know whether the Dominant in question makes a habit of playing with others or not. That sort of information filters through the gossip pipeline (you mean you don't have one of those in your area?) at light speed.
If he does, then ask him respectfully.
If not, then you have an issue and I would find out the status from others first.
Most groups are reasonably tight knit, the last thing anyone needs/wants is to have love triangle drama.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 6:31:00 AM

GreedyTop

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good point, RM.. I guess I was thinking of how I would prefer things.. if someone wants to play with my husband, ask ME first so that I am not left to think that someone is trying to go behind my back.

maybe it's a chick thing. or maybe it's just me LOL

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:03:49 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

good point, RM.. I guess I was thinking of how I would prefer things.. if someone wants to play with my husband, ask ME first so that I am not left to think that someone is trying to go behind my back.

maybe it's a chick thing. or maybe it's just me LOL

It isn't a chick thing, this is a Dynamic/protocol thing. It may well be quite in order for a Top/bottom dynamic, a switch dynamic, maybe even some Dom/sub Dynamics. I'm M/s the Dominant partner is the one approached first even where I am dealing with other Dynamics.

If I wanted to play with a switch and she had the Dominant role in her relationship I'd approach her, if she had the submissive role I'd approach her partner. If I couldn't tell I'd ask about that before even raising the issue of possible play.

Once someone has asked Me directly, if, for their own piece of mind they asked if they could check for themselves that My girl was fine with it I'd have no problems with that.. the initial approach has already been made and obviously the responce was a positive one else checking with My girl would not be an issue.

As for the issue of thinking someone was trying to go behind your back... not an issue for My girl as she knows if someone thought I would cheat on My girl by doing anything of that ilk behind her back then I'd be rather insulted, I'm Poly not a cheat, they would be liable to get their head ripped off.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:08:11 AM

KMsAngel

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quote:

if someone wants to play with my husband, ask ME first

erm. uh. greedy...... ?

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:11:53 AM

GreedyTop

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Rm ... I see what you're saying and it makes sense :) He and I are NOT poly, and our relationship doesnt fit into the usual parameters of D/sM/sT/b... ( we havent even TRIED to define it in any of those terms).

Angel... of course, darling :)

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:20:10 AM

chamberqueen

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Perhaps the question could be posed in a not so direct manner, such as, "Do you ever have play sessions with anyone besides your collared sub?". That would help to avoid the embarrassment of being turned down by asking, "Would you like to play with ME?". If the answer is no then it is obvious she should move on.

I have a slave friend that prefers play sessions to a committed relationship. Her heart has been hurt in the past and this is her way of getting what she needs without any fear of involvement. I've heard from some that just crave a good beating and don't want anything more. Those are just examples of some of the reasons someone might want to look into something like this.

Of the Doms I've met in person it is a small minority that only play with one partner. Ground rules may need to be set because of an agreement in their relationship, such as beatings but no sex or sex without kissing or other intimacies, but having a sub doesn't necessarily exclude that person from being with others. Your friend should just be careful not to step on any toes and be willing to take "no" as a final answer without pushing.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:28:21 AM

littleone35

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I think i would be amused if someone asked my Master that. We only play with each other. I don;t think you should ask a Dom with a collared sub/slave unless you know thy are poly, there of ways of finding out. You should stick to the unattached Doms though less chance of being turned down.

Matt's littleone

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 7:42:06 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: greeneyedreamer

quote:

Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

Why on earth would you ask a Dom with a collared submissive to play with you? Would you ask a guy who was engaged out on a date? Well, I think if he's a Poly Dom you would know it or not.. if not, leave him alone and find someone more unattached...

Why WOULDN'T you ask a Dominant with a collared submissive to play with you? There are certainly plenty of dominants and submissives on here who are involved with either a dominant/submissive who engage in play with someone other than their primary partners...all kinds of play ranging from BDSM sessions without sexual touching to full-blown BDSM sessions with not only touching but penetration.

I think it would be better if the submissive in question in the initial post on this matter were to ask "Excuse me, Sir/Ma'am...I'd like to know if you ever play with others" rather than ask "...will you play with me?". The first question is an impersonal question for information and the answer then, if positive, can lead to the second question.

Count me in on Raven's camp in terms of believing that, in terms of protocol, it should be the dominant who is asked first. I would not blow a gasket if someone were to ask my submissive when she was moving through the club by herself or was off speaking with others but I would expect her to tell them that they would need to speak with me.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 9:14:47 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lyrica52

A new female unattached submissive in my BDSM group aked a question, Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

I haven't found any formal protocal (though protocals may exist within particular groups). Though some people I've chatted with feel it's polite to ask any slave or submissive the dom owns, privately, if they are comfortable with it. While the dom may have the right to override the owned party's opinion in their relationship, I'm not comfortable playing with someone when my doing so makes their sub/slave uncomfortable - regardless how the dom feels.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/22/2009 9:19:29 AM >

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 9:18:52 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: greeneyedreamer

quote:

Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

Why on earth would you ask a Dom with a collared submissive to play with you? Would you ask a guy who was engaged out on a date? Well, I think if he's a Poly Dom you would know it or not.. if not, leave him alone and find someone more unattached...

Why WOULDN'T you ask a Dominant with a collared submissive to play with you? There are certainly plenty of dominants and submissives on here who are involved with either a dominant/submissive who engage in play with someone other than their primary partners...all kinds of play ranging from BDSM sessions without sexual touching to full-blown BDSM sessions with not only touching but penetration.

I think it would be better if the submissive in question in the initial post on this matter were to ask "Excuse me, Sir/Ma'am...I'd like to know if you ever play with others" rather than ask "...will you play with me?". The first question is an impersonal question for information and the answer then, if positive, can lead to the second question.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 9:42:11 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
While the dom may have the right to override the owned party's opinion in their relationship, I'm not comfortable playing with someone when my doing so makes their sub/slave uncomfortable - regardless how the dom feels.

If it was a Dom worth playing with don't you think He would have resolved any issues of that ilk with His property before being open to playing with others? As stated above what is to stop you asking Him if you could check with her for your own peace of mind AFTER your approach but before you possibly play.

If someone made the mistake of asking My girl first, I wouldn't be angry, however they either don't understand My Dynamic or don't respect it enough for Me to be willing to play with them, the answer would be no.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 4/22/2009 9:46:43 AM >

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Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 10:05:08 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lyrica52

A new female unattached submissive in my BDSM group aked a question, Is there a protocal for asking a Dom with a collored submissive, that she would like to have a play session with him?

I haven't found any formal protocal (though protocals may exist within particular groups). Though some people I've chatted with feel it's polite to ask any slave or submissive the dom owns, privately, if they are comfortable with it. While the dom may have the right to override the owned party's opinion in their relationship, I'm not comfortable playing with someone when my doing so makes their sub/slave uncomfortable - regardless how the dom feels.

i totally agree AquaticSub.... i don't feel like the "s" type should be ignored in this type of exchange.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 10:12:58 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
While the dom may have the right to override the owned party's opinion in their relationship, I'm not comfortable playing with someone when my doing so makes their sub/slave uncomfortable - regardless how the dom feels.

If it was a Dom worth playing with don't you think He would have resolved any issues of that ilk with His property before being open to playing with others? As stated above what is to stop you asking Him if you could check with her for your own peace of mind AFTER your approach but before you possibly play.

If someone made the mistake of asking My girl first, I wouldn't be angry, however they either don't understand My Dynamic or don't respect it enough for Me to be willing to play with them, the answer would be no.

He might have. Or he might not have. I don't believe being a dominant or being a good top means they resolve all their relationship issues well. Playing with me, specifically, could also make them uncomfortable for reasons unknown that they haven't had a chance to explain their dominant because they just met me. The reason for asking the owned party privately is to avoid any pressure from the dominant.

When I'm playing casually, I usually don't know the people well enough to know if they have a solid relationship or not. Most of the time they are people I meet, play with and may or may not encounter again depending on if we happen to show up to the same place at the same time again.

I wouldn't consider it a "OMG YOU MUST DO THIS OR RWAR!!!" take on the issue but as something to consider. Usually I just ask the person in question because, usually, I don't even know if they have a sub or slave. However, when I knew I was going to be interacting with a particular couple many times in the future because they were friends of ours, I did ask the slave privately first. The dominant, who is a still a great friend of ours, understood why I did so and had no problems.

Personally, we don't expect people to understand our dynamic when they don't know us and tend to be forgiving the first time. Once everything is sorted out and explained then we expect people to be respectful of our particular naunces.

As always, different strokes... different folks.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/22/2009 10:16:34 AM >

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 10:20:31 AM

DesFIP

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I'd be major pissed if someone didn't ask me first, or both of us at once if he played with others, and if so, would he be interested in topping her. Because I would feel as if it were an attempt to come between us.

For someone like Greedy and I, who are in committed love relationships that include power, it may be different then for someone in a nonlove relationship which is strictly and solely M/s without any emotional involvement. However, since I presumably wouldn't know if a couple's relationship was solely M/s or if it had emotional involvement, I would worry about causing emotional upheaval by not asking the sub first.

I'm curious as to how RavenMuse makes it clear to people he doesn't know that there is no emotional involvement in his relationship and therefore the protocol in his relationship is different then from married couples.

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RE: How to ask A Dom to play - 4/22/2009 10:26:55 AM

YourhandMyAss

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I agree, if they do n't know you, you can't expect them to know or understand anything about your dynamic, but when they know you or know you have a dynamic then it's rude not to pay heed to it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Personally, we don't expect people to understand our dynamic when they don't know us and tend to be forgiving the first time. Once everything is sorted out and explained then we expect people to be respectful of our particular naunces.

As always, different strokes... different folks.

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