RE: A subs problem with self control

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SomethingCatchy -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:00:18 PM)
Ok, lets just shut this thread down. Some how it went from "Any ideas on how I can help this man control himself?" to people blaming me for fucking with his head, making him feel like a failure, and expecting perfection. This isn't going anywhere pretty, and I'd rather keep my high opinions of some people.

Lockit -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:29:00 PM)
Honey I don't think anyone is blaming you. I think most of us see that he needs some support services besides you. He is putting a lot of pressure on himself that might be dealt with better with someone who professionally deals with some of these things and has the ability to help with whatever is going on. A violent temper from frustrations like he has needs to be addressed.

LaTigresse -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:29:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I am an atheist myself, and I've only decided to help him with his religious problems because it seems that he was much happier when he was acting Christian instead of just claiming to be. He's emotionally needy and I'm not. Our roles are reversed and I'm the man and he's the woman (stereotypically speaking). If I were to tell him to get over it, it would hurt him more than help. He'd probably stop talking about his feelings and emotions. I love him too much to hurt him like that. I have no problem looking him in the eye and telling him to stop acting like an idiot when he's getting upset about something that's not worth the energy, though. I'd describe our current relationship as vanilla kinky. I run the show, mostly because I want him to relax and not worry about things (and it works great), but I rarely enforce a D/s dynamic because we have so little time together. Most of our time is sitting on the couch watching videos, walking the dogs, going for bike rides, or various other outdoors stuff. I've told him more than once that I don't want much from it all until he has more time to spend with me. I see my job, as his owner, to be a stress reliever. Someone he can turn to to get it all out and then relax. I try to carry his problems so that he can have an easier time of it. This is one of the things I need professional help with because it takes a toll on me, although I'm not complaining at all. However, I have gotten a few suggestions I think will work for us. The part I bolded reminds me of many words I've heard come from the mouths of classic enablers. Be careful, sometimes the things you try to do to help, cause the most harm.

MissJanice2 -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:38:25 PM)
*Two things I noticed in your second post, (OP) is he is losing sexual control and has anger issues.* *He signed a contract with the military and has to serve that time. He will have to make the best of the situation until he serves his duty.* Now, the big one. I think he is a pain slut. He may not be ready for a bdsm relationship yet. I think he needs to concentrate on his job before he gets into trouble, and this may be difficult to hear, but I believe you deserve better. *He needs to be released in my opinion.* *Best Wishes,* MJ

sirsholly -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:41:57 PM)
i haven't read the entire thread, but my suggestion is this is not a D/s issue at all. You have seen this young man go through what sounds to me like a serious change in his personality. Perhaps rather that looking at what avenues could be causing this..his enlistment, etc, you might want to gently lead him toward a complete health evaluation? Once any physical issues are ruled out, then it may be time to look at his mental health. It sounds like it could be depression. That is where i would start if i were in your shoes...[:)]

sirsholly -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 1:44:40 PM)
quote: The military offers free counseling for anyone that asks for it. They do, but i know of many vets who refused to take advantage of it because they feared it would reflect badly on their careers.

LadyPact -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 2:00:18 PM)
I agree with Lockit. I don't think anyone is blaming you. I admit to not reading every response in this thread, but some of the ones that I have read have included very good suggestions. Personally, I'm just a Dominant woman. I'm not a therapist or a member of the clergy. If clip were having the same issues that your sub is having, I'd be steering him in those directions. I'm just plain not qualified to help him properly in those areas. Even if I was, I'd still refer him to someone else because I'd be too close on an emotional level to make a proper assessment for his needs. Submissives getting support from other submissives isn't a bad thing, either. That's even aside from the military thing and the religion thing. Sometimes, our subs just need to have associations with others who tick like them.

LadyPact -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 2:01:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: The military offers free counseling for anyone that asks for it. They do, but i know of many vets who refused to take advantage of it because they feared it would reflect badly on their careers. That's actually something that's gotten a lot better, thank goodness.

PeonForHer -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 2:17:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Ok, lets just shut this thread down. Some how it went from "Any ideas on how I can help this man control himself?" to people blaming me for fucking with his head, making him feel like a failure, and expecting perfection. This isn't going anywhere pretty, and I'd rather keep my high opinions of some people. SC, please don't feel that way. It's noble of you to feel that responsible for him - you obviously care for him a lot otherwise you'd not have posted something as defensive as that. But, to me, therein lies the problem. This is a young man who has fundamental concerns about who he is and where he wants to go. It's beyond even the wisest and most loving of partners in the world to help a man more than to a certain point. My strongest impulse is to say: make things as easy as you can for him to get through the following few months, then advise him to stop and take a big, big breather. I'm reminded of some film - Full Metal Jacket? - in which the drill sergeant shouts at the recruits, "Your soul belongs to God and your ass belongs to the army." My opinion: This is bollocks. All of him belongs to him and him alone. He needs to learn how to own it all. When those few months are up, he can work on that. For now, he just needs his stresses cut to the minimum so he can make it through.

SnowRanger -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/29/2009 6:13:06 PM)
Let me see... You collared this guy and then decided to change him? Hi S.C. This is a tough one. How many Phyciatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One... but the bulb has to *want* to change. This joke has a micron of truth in it (more like an angstrom). Change is HARD even in the best motivated of us. We have good days and bad days... THEN YOU GO AND PUNISH HIM FOR THE BAD DAYS! Sorry, I work in a noisy environment. Sometimes, I forget to use my "indoors voice." Try rewarding the good days. Give him something to shoot for. Use small increments in a given time period. One more thing about "wanting to change:" Untill the pain (discomfort... what ever) of staying the same EXCEEDS the pain (discomfort... what ever) of staying the same, people do not change. Methods without motivation equals frustration squared Best Wishes S.C. Mike

beeble -> RE: A subs problem with self control (5/1/2009 1:21:19 AM)
quote: CatdeMedici wrote: I have to agree with LaT---making life decisions, then carrying on because they aren't what your "fantasy" was by whining, pulling the whole angry poor me routine is acting like a 2 yr old. He volunteered, he wasn't drafted, no one held a gun to his head. Yes, he volunteered. However, just like in every other walk of life, you never really know if a job is the right thing for you until you've tried it. Everywhere else, if you find you hate it, a month's notice gets you out. quote: We're talking about a discharge in 4.5 months? No, September next year, not this. beeble.

breatheasone -> RE: A subs problem with self control (5/1/2009 1:38:22 AM)
quote: he was much happier when he was acting Christian instead of just claiming to be. i am a Christian, and i 200% understand this... i highly suggest a Bible (one in todays english) The book of John is a great place to start. And please suggest prayer... and i will pray for him as well.

mark6661313 -> RE: A subs problem with self control (5/2/2009 6:00:47 PM)
Hi i had a relationship witha women who had been in the Marines and she action just like him. i am not sure if people who are agressive become Marines or if the Marines make people aggressive. But she was really really hard to be around because she would be really into something for a while and move onto something else. After she broke up with me i found out the she had bipolar disorder and Attention Defeset diorder. she go help for that is is now married with two kids. i kinda seem like he could be like her. Because she needed structure but could not follow any rules. Once she got her problems fixed i was told she was a good person. It would be a good idea to have him go to a Dr and see if he has any diorders such as these. mark

TexasMaam -> RE: A subs problem with self control (5/5/2009 4:11:31 AM)
It sounds to Me as though he's 'trying out' his 'conscientious objector' dialogue on you, first, just to beef it up for the real time performance. Anyone who's ever been in the military or who has ever known, lived with or worked for someone who's been in the military knows that if you're not 15 minutes early, you're late. That hard line sets the stage for every hard line in military life. His anger is probably welling up from the fact that for once in his young, undisciplined, self centered existence, he's signed on for a trailride he can't back out of. Tough lessons ahead for him, all of which will directly impact you. He needs to buck up and grow up, but he'll probably be discharged as unsuitable for military service. Then he'll be looking for a nice, soft place to land. It sounds as though you're empathetic enough to provide it for him. He's already figured that out, as well. Good luck with that, though. TexasMaam

thishereboi -> RE: A subs problem with self control (5/5/2009 4:27:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GYPZYQUEEN THis man is a volcano waiting to blow and *he's going ot blow at home..* GET HIM TO GET HELP NOW.. YOU can/t change him...YOU CAN"T this goes deep.. a professional is needed asap From what I read so far, I was under the impression the problem was he doesn't have the self control to not masturbate. Not sure why that would be like a volcano waiting to blow, maybe I missed something.

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