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Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 3:11:12 PM

DeathinRevelry

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/26/2009
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This is my first time starting a post on the forums, and while I've done a search for the topic, I didn't really find anything, so here goes:

I had someone I was talking to, seriously considering, even, and then it came up during one conversation that they don't play with other men. Ever. Anyone who's read my profile knows that male/male is something I enjoy, so when I asked if it was a hard limit and was told it was, I had to explain that we wouldn't work. I did my best to be as polite as possible, all the while knowing that if this person had really read my profile from the get-go, they should've seen it and either been able to deal with it or moved on.

In return, I got back a scathing letter that accused me of being overly judgmental and cutting it off over something petty. Putting aside the fact that, for me, this definitely wasn't something petty, I was bothered by the statement that this wasn't respecting hard limits. Now, if somebody tells me something is a hard limit, and I require that something in a relationship, isn't saying so and making it known that we wouldn't suit respecting those limits?

Now, the question comes up, do I bother to answer the letter with my own viewpoint, or would that be feeding the troll? Is the potential for further discussion and understanding worth the very likely frustration of attempting to explain a viewpoint to someone who may well be too hurt/angry/bitter/upset to listen?

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Post #: 1

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 3:14:14 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
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ugh, don't feed the trolls, they multiply!

PM

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 3:15:49 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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I would just drop the issue and move on. When someone reacts to a fact with vituperation, there's not much room for discussion.

I think it's great that you are willing to respect that limit in this other person by breaking it off early. If something is REALLY important to you and the other person can't provide it, there will be issues later. It would be like me being with someone who was not a masochist---pointless in the long run!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 3:16:20 PM

sirsholly

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i agree with PM...i would let it go

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 3:22:25 PM

masmiss

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
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Don't bother. I've been down that rocky road and it doesn't get any smoother when you keep trying to be nice or polite.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 5:47:12 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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If he thinks it is so "petty," than why on earth does he consider it to be a hard limit?

You were very up-front in your profile about it, so I don't understand why he pursued you. Had he written and responded in a way that indicated he had read your profile?

(in reply to DeathinRevelry)

Post #: 6

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 6:18:29 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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I guess I must be completely out of my mind (as opposed to only half way). I thought the major point of hard limits was to aid us in finding compatability in our partners? Perhaps this person you were considering was confused and thought only s-types had the ability to call hard limits. In my opinion, something you MUST HAVE from someone is just as much a hard limit as something that WILL NOT happen. Dropping it is the best idea. Maybe with a sigh of relief that there probably would have been a great many other problems that cropped up along the way.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 7

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 7:10:46 PM

DeathinRevelry

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

I would just drop the issue and move on. When someone reacts to a fact with vituperation, there's not much room for discussion.

I think it's great that you are willing to respect that limit in this other person by breaking it off early. If something is REALLY important to you and the other person can't provide it, there will be issues later. It would be like me being with someone who was not a masochist---pointless in the long run!

Thanks for the input! That's kind of what I was thinking of as far as the reply goes, but I wanted to hear from others, as I know I'm rather wound up by that letter. Figured it was better to check my first response and wait for cooler heads than mine to chime in.

And yeah, that's pretty much what I thought about the limits issue. I've tried letting things I wanted go before, and all it led to was resentment and a snowball of negative feelings that ended up blasting the relationship to smithereens. So... yep, chalk it up to a lesson learned and let it go, then.

_____________________________

We raise bloody hands to the sky and scream, not from fear, but from joy... The cathartic moment when we plunge our hands into the hot blood of our enemies and there is no civilized thought to stop us from dancing on their graves - Laurell K Hamilton

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 8

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 7:19:10 PM

DeathinRevelry

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

If he thinks it is so "petty," than why on earth does he consider it to be a hard limit?

You were very up-front in your profile about it, so I don't understand why he pursued you. Had he written and responded in a way that indicated he had read your profile?

That's a good question! I'm guessing that it's a hard limit for him, but a petty thing to end the contact over... which really sounds like someone I needed in my life, doesn't it?

He did give every indication that he'd viewed my profile, although to be fair, it only mentioned "watching the boys play" when he first saw it- added the rest after this little fiasco. Still, I tended to view that as pretty clear, but at least now, there's no chance this'll be repeated (hopefully... I'm learning not to underestimate some of these people)

_____________________________

We raise bloody hands to the sky and scream, not from fear, but from joy... The cathartic moment when we plunge our hands into the hot blood of our enemies and there is no civilized thought to stop us from dancing on their graves - Laurell K Hamilton

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 9

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 7:32:04 PM

DeathinRevelry

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

I guess I must be completely out of my mind (as opposed to only half way). I thought the major point of hard limits was to aid us in finding compatability in our partners? Perhaps this person you were considering was confused and thought only s-types had the ability to call hard limits. In my opinion, something you MUST HAVE from someone is just as much a hard limit as something that WILL NOT happen. Dropping it is the best idea. Maybe with a sigh of relief that there probably would have been a great many other problems that cropped up along the way.

Wow, I hadn't seen it that way! But you're right, that could definitely be considered a hard limit, since I'd define it as a deal-breaker if it's not there. And I definitely agree about compatibility, and limits being there to help us figure it all out. After all the counsel I've received here on the thread, I will be dropping it, as suggested, with a pretty big relieved sigh and a little break to breathe and let the last dregs of my temper cool. Thanks for your help!

_____________________________

We raise bloody hands to the sky and scream, not from fear, but from joy... The cathartic moment when we plunge our hands into the hot blood of our enemies and there is no civilized thought to stop us from dancing on their graves - Laurell K Hamilton

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 10

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 7:42:32 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

do I bother to answer the letter with my own viewpoint, or would that be feeding the troll? Is the potential for further discussion and understanding worth the very likely frustration of attempting to explain a viewpoint to someone who may well be too hurt/angry/bitter/upset to listen?

Anytime someone sends you a scathing letter, simply because you politely told him you are incompatible, my best advice is to ignore the letter and the man. If you reply, it will not likely get prettier over time, because it would be feeding the troll.
I find that if a man cannot behave like a socialized being in email, it usually means, he's going to have trouble in my presence as well. So for me, online is fairly convenient for that reason, in that you can skip on the poor attitude and behavior, without losing several hours of your life trying to have a meal and converse. M

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Post #: 11

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/28/2009 8:07:50 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Don't feed the troll.

I'm a lot like you. A sub with hard limits of no male-on- male action would not fit my needs. I feel as you do, that its plain enough in my profile so that if it were a hard limit for him, he shouldn't have wasted (both of your) time.

He's not respecting your hard limits. What a hypocrite. You are well rid of him. Any more time spent on him at all would be more time wasted.

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Post #: 12

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 12:15:48 AM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

FR

Hehehe, I've learned to see some of these email exchanges as opportunities to re-work my profile to filter more effectively, in just the kinda process the OP has described, above . .. . ..

I've come to see my profile, in part, as an interactive 'marketing' device thru which I communicate with my 'potential audience', if that makes sense . .. . . .

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 9:26:44 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Ok people. This is your fair warning. For those of you sitting close to your computer desk, you're going to want to sit back a bit so that you don't harm yourselves when your jaw drops.

While I agree with the others who said don't feed the troll, I also have to say that there is no one kink out there that defines Me so much as to require Me to exclude a submissive for consideration. Not the male on male thing, not the strap on thing, not even the pain thing. I'm going to quote Lady Ellen here. If someone out there can match My kinks around 85%, I'm good. In that 85%, there is so much that I can express Myself in that I can be quite content. That other 15% can always be satisfied with other play partners.

None of My subs have ever been the complete everything. That's a lot to ask of one person in this life. I have to say, I would have missed out on a lot of things if I would have required them to be.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 9:43:47 AM

Arpig

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quote:

That other 15% can always be satisfied with other play partners.

Wouldn't that sort of rule out the monogamists?

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 9:45:21 AM

LadyPact

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It could, but I happen to be poly. One of the great advantages of being so.

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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 16

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 9:56:18 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It could, but I happen to be poly. One of the great advantages of being so.

Isn't it, though! Still, imagine either of us with a non-masochist!

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Post #: 17

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 10:31:03 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It could, but I happen to be poly. One of the great advantages of being so.

Isn't it, though! Still, imagine either of us with a non-masochist!

I have been. Pet was soooo far from maso. This is why I have the opinion of that is what play parties are for.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 18

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 10:32:43 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Play parties in your area are way better than the ones in mine...

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Post #: 19

RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 10:36:17 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Oh, I highly doubt that, LH! I've heard some good stuff about up north.

If it is true, I'd be more than happy to invite you along down south. We can be a fun bunch.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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