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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 10:42:48 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Believe me, there is plenty of fun to be had, but finding unattached play partners? Not easy!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 10:48:49 AM

Rainfire

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~ Fast Response ~

Limits can be set on either side of the kneel, it's all what a person is looking in a partner/partners. The issue I tend to see in the OP is that someone politely told another person that they were incompatible and the person went off, lashing out sounding like they made a right ass of themselves. If someone reacts this way at this early stage, what the HELL are they going to do later on if it went further? This is showing a bit of disturbing behavior and attitude that when I was a Domme, sure as heckarooni would never have tolerated from a sub. Sounds like a good time to move on, OP, ignore, block and delete if ncecessary.

Good luck.

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Or is this the beginning of the end?"
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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 11:02:41 AM

LadyHibiscus

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A guy just went OFF on me because he "found out" that I was a pro dominant via one of my journal entries. Well, I have never made that a secret, but evidently I am not only pathetic, but a 100% certified FAKE!

It wasn't an ugly rant, but but it was not good, and not logical. I got stuff like, "You were just using this as an excuse not to meet." WTF?

I think it's good when those levels of resentment pop up early, it's a real time saver, all told. I just wish that guy would take me off his favourites list! Of course, I feel that way about MOST of the guys on my admirers list!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 4:19:39 PM

Wickad

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(fast reply)

Once upon a time a long time ago ...(around 2001 - lol)

I started an experiment in chat rooms. Men would IM me seeking a hook up and rather than going with "I'd love to but have other plans - maybe another time" kinda replies, I thought I'd try something different. I simply wrote back "no". I did not include any other explanations or reasons. I was initially shocked by the replies. The IM's turned from "your so hot and I'd love to meet you" to "you fat fucking cunt - I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's dick" and the like. I found this new source of power absolutley intoxicating and fascinating at the same time. I tested it out on different servers and in different rooms. I had a really good time.

What it taught me was that most men (okay everyone I talked to) needed the reason for my rejecting them to NOT be them. Even if the excuse was flimsy or contrived it was better than them having to look at themselves as the source of that rejection. I was easier to chop it up to 'not my problem' than have someone confront them with 'yes, it is you. I find YOU unappealing'.

To the OP, take the letter you got for what it is, proof of this man's inability to deal with his own issues. It's not about you, it's about him.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 5:42:08 PM

BoiJen

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

None of My subs have ever been the complete everything.

*troll*

That's because, Lady Pact, you don't have moi.

boi
Future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty
*trolling* arrrrggghhh!!!!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 5:48:22 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

None of My subs have ever been the complete everything.

*troll*

That's because, Lady Pact, you don't have moi.

boi
Future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty
*trolling* arrrrggghhh!!!!

But you're so cute when you do it. LOL.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 7:06:54 PM

LafayetteLady

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To LadyPact:

I agree that no one can possibly be "perfect" or the complete everything. However, we all have certain things that are "deal breakers". They can be as innocuous as wanting someone of the same faith or ethnicity. In a poly household, an obvious "must" is that they accept a poly situation. Being poly IS considered a kink, albeit not one of the "wild" ones, but a "kink" all the same. So while someone needing to meet less of your "wish list" because you are poly, I'm sure there are plenty of basic expectations that you have from your partners that if they are unwilling to to do to be part of a relationship with you, you would decide not to pursue them any further.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/29/2009 7:22:09 PM

BoiJen

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I agree that no one can possibly be "perfect" or the complete everything.

One of these days, all FemDommes will know me (we discuss the biblical meaning any day) and these words will never be uttered again.

boi
Future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty
*trolling* aaarrrggghhhh!!!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 1:24:53 AM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Believe me, there is plenty of fun to be had, but finding unattached play partners? Not easy!

*cough*

< Message edited by SlaveBlutarsky -- 4/30/2009 1:25:55 AM >

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 1:43:22 AM

SlaveBlutarsky

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

To LadyPact:

I agree that no one can possibly be "perfect" or the complete everything. However, we all have certain things that are "deal breakers". They can be as innocuous as wanting someone of the same faith or ethnicity. In a poly household, an obvious "must" is that they accept a poly situation. Being poly IS considered a kink, albeit not one of the "wild" ones, but a "kink" all the same. So while someone needing to meet less of your "wish list" because you are poly, I'm sure there are plenty of basic expectations that you have from your partners that if they are unwilling to to do to be part of a relationship with you, you would decide not to pursue them any further.

I was recently told I was 'absolutely perfect, except' the woman in question was worried about my financial security. I asked her what that meant and how did she know I wasn't financially secure and she said would only be with men who made in the six figures.

Just to be an ass, knowing I'd never seriously consider this woman after this exchange, I asked her how she knew I didn't. She responded with 'well you're a student and haven't worked in a year' to which I said 'actually, I'm a student because I haven't had to work in a year, nor do I for the next five or so.'

Truth be told, I'm not rich, nor do I care about being so, but I've made some smart choices in life and been in the right places in the right time, so it's given me the freedom to take a sabbatical. For her this probably meant that I wasn't going to be able to pamper her and buy her Fendi bags Gucci shoes.

Everyone has their 'hard limits' when it comes to what they will do as a dom/sub and what they need/want in a partner. Some are idiotic, some are legit, but everyone has a right to have them.

The woman I mentioned apparently needed someone to be able to provide for her, or else she would have been more patient to figure out what my financial status really was or even just come out and asked me how I was paying the bills or whatever, instead she drew an arbitrary line in the sand and those who didn't fall on the right side were out.

Personally, my relationship limits are pretty simple. I have ranges for things in most areas, like looks, education, and things like that. I'm not going to stop speaking with someone because I only talk to people 5'5" and taller or that they only have a MA instead of PhD.

I pretty much subscribe to the 85% thing with most traits. I've unwavering on some things, like manners, character and that whole 'inner beauty' crap people are always talking about, but if those things are met, then everything else is thrown together and I'm either into the person or I'm not.

< Message edited by SlaveBlutarsky -- 4/30/2009 1:49:16 AM >

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 2:36:21 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

To LadyPact:

I agree that no one can possibly be "perfect" or the complete everything. However, we all have certain things that are "deal breakers". They can be as innocuous as wanting someone of the same faith or ethnicity. In a poly household, an obvious "must" is that they accept a poly situation. Being poly IS considered a kink, albeit not one of the "wild" ones, but a "kink" all the same. So while someone needing to meet less of your "wish list" because you are poly, I'm sure there are plenty of basic expectations that you have from your partners that if they are unwilling to to do to be part of a relationship with you, you would decide not to pursue them any further.

While I agree with the concept of what you are saying, I think we are coming from different definitions of terminology. Where you see poly as a kink, I see it as an orientation or a lifestyle choice. Much the same as someone would have to accept the fact that I'm Dominant or if I would happen to be bisexual. (I don't happen to be the latter.) I'm more of the mind to think that orientation is more about who we are and the way we structure our relationships, and kinks are the activities that we happen to enjoy, or not enjoy as the case may be.

Please do not be misled. You are correct in your assessment that any potential would have to accept the fact that I am poly. That, however, does not automatically make the other person poly. A person can be monogamous within a poly structure. They just happen to be monogamous with a poly partner.

You are absolutely right, at least in My personal case, about particular levels of compatibility in certain areas. I doubt many of us would be willing to accept a person on the other side of the kneel, for example, who had lower ethical or morals standards than we have. There are many things that fall into the category of personal preference. That's why not every D is an automatic match for every s out there and not everyone is meant to be for everyone else.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 5:17:07 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeathinRevelry
He did give every indication that he'd viewed my profile, although to be fair, it only mentioned "watching the boys play" when he first saw it- added the rest after this little fiasco. Still, I tended to view that as pretty clear, but at least now, there's no chance this'll be repeated (hopefully... I'm learning not to underestimate some of these people)

I do not play with other men. If I saw a profile that presented such play as a requirement, I would immediately see incompatibility. If I saw a profile that said that one enjoys watching the boys play (it can mean different things and does not seem as critical when worded in this manner), I would decide on a case by case basis but with caution. I would see it as a flag (a potential conflict with a hard limit) but not necessarily as a showstopper. I agree that explicitly indicating this interest is a requirement more clearly delivers the message and will help future contacts.

There is room for disappointment if what seemed to be a promising relationship was ended over what was initially thought to be one of various kinks versus a requirement. Thus, I understand reason for disappointment or frustration with what might have been perceived to be incomplete information. How he responded then is a different matter. And I think he shares responsibility for the communication disconnect for not seeking clarification about a listed interest in an activity that is a hard limit for him.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 9:01:57 AM

Andalusite

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LH, I'm surprised you're having trouble finding unattached playpartners! I certainly haven't noticed any shortage in that area, but it's not what I'm looking for right now.

Sea, I agree that the original wording might have been ambiguous, but the way he phrased it in the reply comes across as "What you want and need isn't important." That's a completely backassward attitude for someone who claims to be submissive!

DeathInRevelry, I personally have stopped considering someone for far more trivial reasons - they came across as a little too pushy, weren't interesting enough to talk with, etc. I try not to get emotionally involved with anyone until I've met them in person a couple of times. I don't know if that's feasible for your geographical area, but a lot of people talk a good line over the computer, but don't have any follow through. I try not to be too cynical about it, and there *are* lots of good, honorable guys here, too. Online is good for meeting possibilities, and screening out the obviously incompatible ones, but not sufficient for me to know if we *are* a match. Since he went off on you like that, he clearly has anger issues, much like men who respond to being turned down with "You're fat/ugly anyway, bitch!" I've only run into one of those guys myself, but have heard of a lot of others around here.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 9:16:50 AM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

While I agree with the concept of what you are saying, I think we are coming from different definitions of terminology. Where you see poly as a kink, I see it as an orientation or a lifestyle choice. Much the same as someone would have to accept the fact that I'm Dominant or if I would happen to be bisexual. (I don't happen to be the latter.) I'm more of the mind to think that orientation is more about who we are and the way we structure our relationships, and kinks are the activities that we happen to enjoy, or not enjoy as the case may be.

But I also see participating in BDSM as a lifestyle choice so I guess we do have some terminology differences.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Please do not be misled. You are correct in your assessment that any potential would have to accept the fact that I am poly. That, however, does not automatically make the other person poly. A person can be monogamous within a poly structure. They just happen to be monogamous with a poly partner.

I know that it is my personal beliefs here preventing me from understanding this. I seek a monogamous relationship. To me that means we are both singularly monogamous. So I'm only guessing, but for a person to be happily monogamous within a poly structure, they would only have to seek monogamy within themselves, with them having only one partner, while their partner can have multiple partners? Even though I know it will never be something that will work for me, I would appreciate a better understanding.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 9:52:06 AM

MissEnchanted

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Don't feed the trolls!

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 10:16:31 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
Sea, I agree that the original wording might have been ambiguous, but the way he phrased it in the reply comes across as "What you want and need isn't important." That's a completely backassward attitude for someone who claims to be submissive!

I agree. In fact, I think to dismiss the wants and needs of another is impractical regardless of whether one is dominant or submissive, or kinky or vanilla.

My last post was directed at the original wording and not at how he responded. Specifically, I was addressing the following point.

quote:

all the while knowing that if this person had really read my profile from the get-go, they should've seen it and either been able to deal with it or moved on.

I was discussing how much or not should he have gathered this information from the original profile. I think there is a middle ground. I think the original wording left room for interpretation for feasible scenarios, and I think he should have sought clarification when he saw an interest in an area he considers a hard limit.

As for how he responded, I have no substantive comments since I do not know enough about the matter and all communications had. For myself, even when I have felt a bit jipped (versus this situation where it was more a question of a communication disconnect), I try to part graciously.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 4/30/2009 11:14:26 AM

LaTigresse

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From my own perspective, I would not have seen his limit as reason to cut him loose but his manner of conveying it would turn me right off.

Differences in kink interests I can usually work around but ANYtime a prospective sub/slave gets an assy attitude with me, I immediately lose all interest in them.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 5/1/2009 8:22:37 AM

Andalusite

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Even though she wants multiple partners, unless she wants a whole string of them, it seems like a difficult limit to work around. The reason she wants more than one is so they can play with each other, I assume!

Sea, yeah, I was agreeing with you, then tried to add a bit. Also, while the original phrasing didn't indicate it was a requirement, it also didn't exactly list the amount of contact, either. I still think it's a little ironic that a lot of submissive guys here are fine with doing blowjobs and anal sex with another man, or with their partner having sex with others while they help out in various ways, but they aren't up for the stuff I like. It's not a need in my case, but getting a lot of male attention can be rather fun! I went to a club with a couple of male friends last night, and had two men simultaneously giving me a massage, dancing with two guys in a bit of a sandwich, and snuggled up with two guys who held me while they were mildly making out (biting and a little licking and kissing on the neck) with each other. No nudity, no outright sex or even contact with penis/etc., just affectionate and sensual.

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RE: Hard limits and turning loose - 5/1/2009 8:09:20 PM

JoeVanilla

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Maybe the bratty sub was looking for a situation where he could be "forced" to do what he really wanted to do all along.... The OP might try working it from that angle and see if it goes anywhere.

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