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When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 6:50:03 PM

EvilKitty

Posts: 148
Joined: 7/13/2006
From: Tampa Florida
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I've checked the thread search & didn't find the answers I sought....so.....
When you fill out your profile & list under Hard Limits knives & fire play; I do understand the trepidation one might feel having only guessed at what knife play or fire play are. I understand that not every Dom/me is qualified to play in edgey areas. I usually just move right on past a profile that lists those as hard limits. Is this how most of you would prefer to have your profile taken? I'm never certain whether or not to write to ask why you have it listed; whether it's because you've had bad experiences or just don't know what those activities entail or whether you feel that they are intrinsically too dangerous to try. Perhaps I'm not asking this well, but, am I missing out on subs who might make wonderful matches for me if I took the time to ask?

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Post #: 1

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 6:57:32 PM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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at least if you sent an e-mail that asked why something is listed as a hard limit it would be more substantial an e-mail then "on your knees bitch" or "your hot".

If someone catches your eye, ask. The worst that can happen is that they really are incompatible with you.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to EvilKitty)

Post #: 2

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 7:02:38 PM

EvilKitty

Posts: 148
Joined: 7/13/2006
From: Tampa Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

at least if you sent an e-mail that asked why something is listed as a hard limit it would be more substantial an e-mail then "on your knees bitch" or "your hot".

If someone catches your eye, ask. The worst that can happen is that they really are incompatible with you.

ROFLMAO!!! I STILL find it almost incredible that ANY top would send out an email like that! Surely, only an inveterate prankster would even consider it!
*sigh* So old & yet so unjaded....
Thank you, though, OmegaG, I'd been reading threads & thought perhaps I was being hasty by just glossing over profiles with those types of limits.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 3

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 7:07:23 PM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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I think that many people who are new have some preconcieved notions about what they will like and what they won't, I aslo think that some people think hard limits are absolute and others think that hard limits can be altered after trust is built.

Sometimes it just takes an off hand comment to change one's view, I was dead set against water sports until I got a different point of view and now it is something I would consider.

You can't know why someone lists anything until you ask. And who knows, you may click with someone to a point that their hard limit is something you are willing to respect even if it's an activity you like.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to EvilKitty)

Post #: 4

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 7:48:29 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Does it really matter why they list it? You want to do it and they don't want to. Yes, it is possible that after a long time one might change their mind and agree to fire play, but there is no guarantee. So what happens if you spend two years developing a relationship and they still won't change their mind? Do you walk? Have an unscratched itch? Blame them for being a bad sub?

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RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/29/2009 8:55:10 PM

BeIgnited

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Joined: 6/23/2008
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I don't think there's any harm in asking what someone means by a hard limit when they are otherwise compatible, but it's arrogant to assume that they don't really mean it or that they're reasons are 'silly' because you think them so.

If you were to approach me, I'd prefer the question to be asked in the course of a conversation, not as the opening statement.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 1:13:47 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeIgnited

I don't think there's any harm in asking what someone means by a hard limit when they are otherwise compatible, but it's arrogant to assume that they don't really mean it or that they're reasons are 'silly' because you think them so.

If you were to approach me, I'd prefer the question to be asked in the course of a conversation, not as the opening statement.

I think along these lines too. I don't think we should ever try to convince, during initial conversations, that this hard limit is silly because they don't understand it and YOU are going to explain it better so that they will understand.
I may put for example 'age play' as a hard limit. Its not because I don't understand it but more because that is not part of my dreams and fantasies...its not my head space. It could be done a hundred different ways but for me its still a no go area.

I would not move on just because I saw a hard limit in a profile of something I liked to do. I love needle and knife play but if its not to be with a particular sub then thats cool. My world is bigger than needles and knives. Its not the be all and end all of what I am looking for and so if other things fit with what I like then I focus on those things.

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(in reply to BeIgnited)

Post #: 7

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 1:47:46 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I am most likely to trust that someone knows their own hard limits and would rather simply pass them by than to seem like I'm trying to push limits right from the beginning. There are plenty out there that like what I do that I don't have to be frustrated at or with someone who doesn't.

Master Fire

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(in reply to EvilKitty)

Post #: 8

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 2:29:29 AM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
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I don't have any hard limits listed in my profile because there isn't anything in the options that I don't feel that strongly that I wouldn't do with the right person. Having said that, there are a ton of things I woulnd't do with a vast majority of people in these lists as well. I wouldn't want to miss out on that one person emailing me because I put something as a hard limit because I wouldn't do it with 99.99999999999999999999% of the people out there. I guess you could debate the semantics of hard limits in my world, but that's another thread.

When I look at Dommes profiles, I kind of look at it the same way, there's very few specific things that I need enough or woudn't consider to count someone out as a potential partner. If I read someone's profile and it said 'lives for x, y, and edge play,' if they seemed so interesting and compatible that I felt compelled to email them, I would do so knowing that there may be expectations of edge play (which is one of those things I wouln't do with 99.9999999999999% of people and basically something I have no interest in) and be honest with tnem that it is something that I would do only with someone I felt extremely comfortable with and that most of the enjoyment on my end would come from their happiness in indulging in that play and being able to make them happy by submitting to them in that way.

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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 3:12:52 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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knowing that there may be expectations of edge play (which is one of those things I wouln't do with 99.9999999999999% of people and basically something I have no interest in) and be honest with tnem that it is something that I would do only with someone I felt extremely comfortable with and that most of the enjoyment on my end would come from their happiness in indulging in that play and being able to make them happy by submitting to them in that way. (quote SlaveBlutarsky)

i agree with you in principle here. im pretty much of the same opinion that with the right person, trust and blah blah it would be possible to submit to something youd otherwise have no interest in. but its a dodgy grey area for me too.

i have been led right up to the moment pretty much, certain in my heart that i can do it, i will do it, i want to do it, only to discover some hidden agenda inside my head that planted the hard limit seed in the first place and made me realise i just couldnt do it, no matter how i tried, no matter how much i wanted to for the man i had officially handed everything over to.

in my experience anyway if i say something is a hard limit i say it is a HARD LIMIT - largely because, as OG has quite rightly pointed out and you have intimated, there are hard limits that can be tested and teased and there are HARD LIMITS which should be respected.

but as the OP has said, how do we know if its a soft hard limit or a hard hard limit, and when did a stated hard limit become so transient anyway and arent we teetering on the edge of making this term largely redundant when we ask these questions.

with edge play i think its a specialised area and huge trust is required, so approaching a complete stranger and asking them if their hard limit on edge play is negotiable would probably be a mistake, unless of course you get off on being told where to insert it and how to spin on it.

(in reply to SlaveBlutarsky)

Post #: 10

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:19:45 AM

chamberqueen

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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

If someone really interests you, and they list as a hard limit something that you enjoy, I see nothing wrong with politely asking why they have chosen that as a limit and have they ever tried it. That's very different than trying to convince them to do it if it is something that they are totally opposed to. The categories are often so broad that it can lead someone to expect the worst. Having a knife blade drawn across your skin but never cutting in might be something that would really turn them on, for instance, while the idea of being hacked into pieces during a session is a major fear.

Also, someone who chooses not to list it as a limit may be even more adamantly opposed to it. Whenever your main source of enjoyment is more of a niche you run the risk of finding few willing partners.

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RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:22:48 AM

Rainfire

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Lally, I liken it to "negotiable hard limits" and "OH HELL NO, NO FUCKING WAY! hard limits. *winks*

On the other hand, I had some major hard limits that weren't even up for discussion before I met Lumus yet through just talking and learning more, I realized that they were something I could be interested in. I was able to expand and encompass new things, things that just a few months before, were totally non-negotiable. I figure that it was an unexpected side benefit of just being friends first and yakking before realizing what we had.

OP - I would consider the whole profile first. Maybe there is something there that keeps drawing your eye, something that grabs your attention. It doesn't hurt to get to know the person first and see what develops. I've heard of people listing something as a hard limit when it's not, simply to screen out unsuitable or incompatible people. If nothing else, you might get a good friend. If, however, there are too many incompatible preferences (which only you can decide how many that is), then don't waste your time and move on with best wishes.

Good luck!

_____________________________

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Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 12

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:25:28 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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I am likely to pass them bye. Even if they have listed it because they don't know the difference between knifeplay (Which is sensual play) and cutting (temporary body mod (Can be perminant if taken into scarification or inking)) then I consider them likely to be non-compatable. It isn't hard to research what they actualy are, the type most likely to jump to conclusions without looking into the reality isn't likely to have the mind-set I seek.

If they approached Me then I might look further but it is the same as those who approach Me that are older than the range I normaly search. I keep an open mind if they approach Me but I don't waste My time searching there because what I'm looking for is most likely found elsewhere.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 13

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:26:42 AM

Rainfire

Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

If someone really interests you, and they list as a hard limit something that you enjoy, I see nothing wrong with politely asking why they have chosen that as a limit and have they ever tried it. That's very different than trying to convince them to do it if it is something that they are totally opposed to. The categories are often so broad that it can lead someone to expect the worst. Having a knife blade drawn across your skin but never cutting in might be something that would really turn them on, for instance, while the idea of being hacked into pieces during a session is a major fear.

Also, someone who chooses not to list it as a limit may be even more adamantly opposed to it. Whenever your main source of enjoyment is more of a niche you run the risk of finding few willing partners.

Bolded area is an excellent point, chamberqueen. My strongest hard limits were never listed on my profile simply because I felt strongly enough about them that I wanted a personal conversation about them so the person would know just how strongly I felt. As for a lot of things in this life, it's all about communication, communication, communication.

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 14

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:31:58 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

I like looking at profiles & reading journals, if a question pops up in my head or a comment when reading that profile I ask/comment, no matter what it is.
I don't see why anybody shouldn't ask if they have questions. If I was interested in somebody I would ask them to get a definite substantial answer, it's much better to get it in yo face than having "what if" hanging over your head forever.
I'm certain that somebody lists something under a hard limit..but nevertheless think to themselves "buuuuuuuuuuut might try it if the right person came along".

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(in reply to Rainfire)

Post #: 15

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 5:37:11 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

simply ask why - i see no harm in being curious why someone's profile (like mine) has an extremely long list of hard limits. i would reply - because i have absolutely NO interest in partaking/trying those things out.

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RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 6:11:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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If somebody lists one of your top 3 kinks as a hard limit, then you aren't missing out on a great relationship simply because you would feel deprived. If however you typically do fire play once or twice a year, then you probably won't mind if they hard limit it.

But you don't get the right to judge someone else's limits, or the reasons they have such limits as acceptable. One of my hard limits is duct tape on skin. He finds this hysterically funny but he respects it. However I ignored email from several twits who wrote that the first thing they would do is break this hard limit. If someone announces that the first thing they will do is prove themselves untrustworthy, I decided not to meet them and let them prove it in person since they have already done so in email. Hard limits are there for a reason, you do always have the right to say you find this a curious limit and ask how it developed but you don't have the right to break it unless you don't want a second meet.

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Slave to laundry

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Post #: 17

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 6:16:36 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
Status: offline

I don't have anything at all listed in those areas for the simple reason that my experiences are too few to make an informed choice as to whether or not I would like anything.

If someone chooses to pass me by because I have nothing there, then so be it; that is their choice. I would like to think though that there is more to me than just a bunch of check marks on a limit list.

< Message edited by tiinkerbell -- 4/30/2009 6:18:17 AM >

(in reply to EvilKitty)

Post #: 18

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 6:24:08 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tiinkerbell

I don't have anything at all listed in those areas for the simple reason that my experiences are too few to make an informed choice as to whether or not I would like anything.

Whilst I preffer girls with some experience, this is an example of the kind of mindset that I would approach to at least discuss possible compatability (Assuming other things in the profile pointed that way.... the written portion of a profile is FAR more likely to catch My eye than the list). Lack of experience isn't as much of a problem if there is open mindedness, maturity and common sense. An awareness of ones own lack of experience but being willing to learn more rather than jump to conclusions is, to Me, inherently possitive.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to tiinkerbell)

Post #: 19

RE: When you list hard limits on your profile - 4/30/2009 7:36:48 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I have bowling and skydiving listed as hard limits. I have bowled and hated it. I have not tried skydiving, but have enough sense to know that my fear of heights would make it a traumitizing event for me.

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(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 20

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