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When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 3:31:16 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
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Hi all. I have something of a dilemma, which I'd appreciate opinions on.

To explain the situation, I have dyspraxia. I'm completely open about the fact generally speaking. All my friends know etc. I don't however currently mention it in my profile. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but because I dislike letting it define me, even a little bit.

Where this ties into BDSM is this. Dyspraxia has lots of possible effects and most people with it don't have them all. The relevant one here is that it effects both my spatial awareness and my physical coordination. In layman's terms, it makes me clumsy.

In general, that hasn't been a problem for me in relationships. I was diagnosed very young, so I have a good knowledge of my limitations. It does however mean that certain BDSM activities aren't feasible for me and they wouldn't become so through practise.

Knife play is a good example of this. For me, it's a de facto hard limit. Not because I have a theoretical problem with it. But because, sooner or later, the law of averages says something would go wrong and I'd accidentally slip and stab the person I'm with. It's simply too high risk for me to attempt. There's various other activities that are also off limits for the same reason. To be clear though, we're talking about a relatively small number compared to what I can do. (I stick anyone with one of the off limits activities as either "lives for" or "loves" in the friend category very quickly, for obvious reasons).

My question is when and how I bring this up when talking to potential partners. I absolutely don't want anyone to feel I'm misleading them. I'm highly reluctant to put it on my profile for the reason I mentioned at the beginning. However, bringing it up early on when I'm still getting to know someone and going into detail about what I can and can't do BDSMwise always feels rather presumptous to me.

So really, I want to know when the subs in here would want this sort of issue raised with them? And if there's any particular way they'd prefer it to be done.

Thanks!

EDIT: You can also see why my previous username was possibly the most illchosen in the history of usernames.

< Message edited by Apocalypso -- 5/1/2009 3:33:34 PM >

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Post #: 1

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 3:34:41 PM

InTonguesslut

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
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Personally i'd like to know straight away.

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Post #: 2

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 4:01:34 PM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

I always tell potentials my disabilities right away. One of the few things I told Master right away was that if he desired a graceful kajira then I was not the one for him. I have a birth defect which messes with my inner ear balance and so I don't have any.. There are other problems that go along with this disability/ birth defect so some play is severly limited or non existant. Not because I don't want to try it but because it just won't work. I've never been adverse to anyone knowing and it's helped me cull out ones that couldn't or wouldn't work within my abilities.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 3

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 4:02:39 PM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline

i feel disclosure is important from the beginning....too many on here neglect to state things , then when you meet them you find out things that they should have revealed. this is just plain dishonesty! ...and for me closes all doors! i do not see a need to post on your profile, although should tell the person in your first e-mail...this will insure you will only get the ones that are interested regardless of your condition.
good luck
ree

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 4

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 4:09:16 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

You should tell them as soon as you know you want something with this person. If they don't want you because you have a disablity then they were not a match for you anyway. I would want to know it it was me.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to marysdream)

Post #: 5

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 4:09:27 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I wouldn't expect someone to put that in a profile. Afterall, it's personal information and it's not owed to strangers who happen upon your profile.

I'm not sure there would be a certain and specific time that it should come up. If I were you, I would raise it in conversation after I was interested in someone, and I would sort of let it work it's way into the talk in a natural way. For example, maybe the submissive starts to talk about her love of edge play or whathaveyou, you could then explain that there are certain types of play that you do not engage in due to blah blah blah....

From this end of it, as a submissive talking to a potential dom, I would not feel put-off if he didn't mention it right away, but I would expect it to come up shortly after mutual interest had been established, and/or a real time meeting becomes imminent.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 6

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 4:23:45 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I tell a person everything they possibly need to know about me right from the start when we both realize we would like to get to know each other more for a relationship. This way it can't come back to bite me in the ass with "but you never told me that! You led me on!".

Yup it happens.

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 7

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 6:25:52 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I have a hearing loss, and usually mention it the first time I talk with them on the phone.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 8

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 6:33:26 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

I'd have to agree that "up front" would be probably best, at least on a one on one basis. I mean, if it's not something that's going to even be noticed in every day life, like, I dehydrate and overheat at the drop of a hat, and have an allergy to UV-B (yes, the fucking SUN of all things... what the hell?), it would sooner or later end up in the conversation anyway. Like "Hey, it's August 8, why on earth are you wearing long sleeves?" or "Why do I never see you without a sports drink in your hand/within reach?" or "It's January... may I ask why the hell you have a fan on?" It's something I can easily work with obviously and doesn't change much of anything I do in general. I just do it at night instead.

But something like what the OP asks, if you're talking with someone who may be interested in knife play or what have you, I'd bring that up pretty early on, saying "Not that I mind the IDEA of knife play, it's just literally not feasible and it's a hard limit that literally won't ever change, and here's why......" Most people will be pretty understanding of things like that and willing to either work around it or just move on if it's that important to them.

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Post #: 9

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 6:47:07 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
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My thoughts is to tell the other person at some point when you are comfortable enough with them and have a good sense that things will progress further. Being open and upfront about one's disabilities is good yet there is a time and place to make the other person aware.

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(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 10

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 7:44:23 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

If I’m just chatting with someone I don’t bring it up. But when it looks like there is enough mutual interest and meeting is a possibility, I usually write/say “There are a few things you need to know about me” and that’s when I tell them.

If something is going to be a deal-breaker, better to find out sooner than later!

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 11

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 8:00:38 PM

mdr080480

Posts: 4646
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

In my profile I mention I take blood thinners to prevent clotting. Though the dosage is relatively low, I don't see it being a huge problem, as I am not a fan of my blood spilling for someone else. This may be an issue for some, for others, perhaps not. If they don't like it, they don't need to contact me.

But I figured it's best to have that out there, so as not to spring that on someone out of the blue, it's not so much a disability as a simple inconvenience.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 12

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 8:13:13 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

I have to be honest, I had to look up just what dyspraxia is. This isn't something I would put in my profile, it is too personal for such a place. However, if I was to be involved with someone with this condition and on the recieving end of any bdsm activities, I'd want to know fairly soon.

I have a few medical issues that, when being in the bottom position, make certain actions next to impossible. I am up front about this when it appears that chatting will move to something more substantial.

How to bring it up? Well, as was mentioned already, when discussing likes/dislikes and what sort of activities you're into could be an ideal time. If they are desperately into knife play, you need to be as clear as possible as to limitations. Ironicly, I've found that the people that are interested in more that a quick tickle-and-slap are able to look beyond to other ways of connecting. It seems to open other avenues of exploration.

I just had to comment on what you said about it not defining you... " I don't however currently mention it in my profile. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but because I dislike letting it define me, even a little bit. "...that's one of the reasons I don't mention things until I know we'll be meeting. I'm not comfortable with a physical limitation defining me as an individual. Kudos to you for that.

BTW.....I agree, the name change was a good idea and makes complete sense. Could make for a great conversation opener.

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 13

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/1/2009 9:06:06 PM

dragonnite

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I would want to know about any disabilites also. I was very upfront with Master about my own.

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 14

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 9:49:37 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I have a disability too-I use a wheelchair, I think you should be totally up front about having a disability because the more you hide from people the harder it'll be to get close. I know that sounds really obvious but I think its worth saying.

I once got friendly with a submissive girl on another site who was interested in meeting Me......until I told her I had a disability. I'd put that I had a disability on My profile but she didn't get round to looking at it so I had to tell her.I know that if they don't read your profile they wont know untill you tell them but at least if its there then those who bother to read it'll know before they get interested then run off in horror! (which didn't feel very good).And I suspect it scares people off who would otherwise waste your time and be an unpleasent experience having to be rejected once you get to know someone.

As far as not letting your disability define you the best way is to get out there and be as active as you can be and drag the f*****g disability where-ever you decide you want to go.

Good luck.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 15

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 11:53:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I might just put in your profile that you have a disability which may affect play. If they aren't put off by it, then you continue. But I wouldn't mention it in the first email or first phone call or first meet, if the first meet comes quickly, simply because if there's no chemistry, there isn't any reason to see them again so why bother giving out all this private info? If there's sufficient chemistry that you are going to see each other again, then I would mention it in an off hand manner like you did in this post. " I have dyspraxia, it makes me sort of clumsy so I won't do certain activities like knife play. Do you have anything you want to share?".

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(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 16

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 3:19:35 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

Hi all. I have something of a dilemma, which I'd appreciate opinions on.

To explain the situation, I have dyspraxia. I'm completely open about the fact generally speaking. All my friends know etc. I don't however currently mention it in my profile. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but because I dislike letting it define me, even a little bit.

Where this ties into BDSM is this. Dyspraxia has lots of possible effects and most people with it don't have them all. The relevant one here is that it effects both my spatial awareness and my physical coordination. In layman's terms, it makes me clumsy.

In general, that hasn't been a problem for me in relationships. I was diagnosed very young, so I have a good knowledge of my limitations. It does however mean that certain BDSM activities aren't feasible for me and they wouldn't become so through practise.

Knife play is a good example of this. For me, it's a de facto hard limit. Not because I have a theoretical problem with it. But because, sooner or later, the law of averages says something would go wrong and I'd accidentally slip and stab the person I'm with. It's simply too high risk for me to attempt. There's various other activities that are also off limits for the same reason. To be clear though, we're talking about a relatively small number compared to what I can do. (I stick anyone with one of the off limits activities as either "lives for" or "loves" in the friend category very quickly, for obvious reasons).

My question is when and how I bring this up when talking to potential partners. I absolutely don't want anyone to feel I'm misleading them. I'm highly reluctant to put it on my profile for the reason I mentioned at the beginning. However, bringing it up early on when I'm still getting to know someone and going into detail about what I can and can't do BDSMwise always feels rather presumptous to me.

So really, I want to know when the subs in here would want this sort of issue raised with them? And if there's any particular way they'd prefer it to be done.

My normal advice for disclosing a disability (assuming it's not profoundly obvious to anyone) is when a relationship is likely to progress from online email acquaintance to r/l. When it's just email, they don't need to know as they have nothing tangible invested.

That said, a Dom who's predisposed to being clumsy? Not being Solomon, all I can suggest is that you should limit your search to real life only, where potential partners get to know the real you, all of you, rather than having to deal with the idealistic expectations of strangers, roles and profiles etc.

Good luck.

Focus.

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 17

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 3:28:57 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marysdream

i feel disclosure is important from the beginning....too many on here neglect to state things , then when you meet them you find out things that they should have revealed. this is just plain dishonesty! ...and for me closes all doors!

I agree on this view.

Whilst it is up to you to mention it in your profile or not, always when I am actually searching I mention in my profile that I have fibromyalgia and therefore I am unable to do heavy bondage. It's not that I would not like heavy bondage, but unfortunately its not possible as it feels to me like being in fire and in no way bearable (been there, done that, got the t-shirt...before I had the diagnosis). With putting it in my profile (at the moment it is not to see as I am currently focused on just one person and not searching) Doms who are into heavy bondage will know straight away that we can't match, as I can't change my condition and they don't have to cut down their expectations when they like it a lot. By that way it saves boths our time.

In regards to "when they find out things....etc." I met once a guy who was about 200 lbs heavier then stated in his profile and also met once a guy who did not bother to tell me that he is wheelchair bound since birth and managed well that I could not see it via webcam...and I totally agree, it closes doors rappidly, after wasting lots of time and money with that person, such dishonesty can hit hard. Whilst I don't mind disabilities itself, I do mind when someone is not open about aspects from his side as I am open about my facts and needs. So would I submit to someone who uses such tricks to run me over??? Nope

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(in reply to marysdream)

Post #: 18

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 4:56:01 PM

Danibelle

Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
Status: offline

Like a couple of the posters here before me, I have/used to have two conditions that affected my play and I brought them up when I saw them as necessary. I was on coumadin (blood thinners) for a year. I put knife/needle/anything breaking the skin play in the hard limit category and mentioned I enjoyed light impact play. If I started getting to know someone, I would bring it up before we met. I didn't feel the need to put it in my profile as it's personal information I would rather give out when I saw the time as being right. Keep the activities listed as hard limits and mention them if and when you feel the need.

I also don't hear very well and would mention that before the first phone conversation.

I believe that if you have a disability/medical condition that affects every part of your life, you should put it in your profile. If you have a disability/medical condition that you would need to mention to your employers/put in your wallet/wear an i.d. bracelet for in case anything happened, you should mention it relatively early on in your correspondence. If you have a disability/medical condition that may only affect one or two activities, mention it briefly if those activities are ever brought up.

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Post #: 19

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 8:49:07 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

I am very conscious of my stammer or stutter which ever word you like.It is a scientific fact that dyslexia and stuttering frequently occur in the same person.I also have several types of dyslexia. Now that I am getting older, my disability is my arthritis and my left ventricular cardio-myopathy ~~~ oh yes, my memory is something of a disability. My Sir knew all upfront. 2 Yrs and I am still his.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 20

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