kuriouswitch
Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
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*warning: this is longer than I meant it to be, and it may not resonate with everyone but it's my own opinions and experiences. I just hope the Op gets something out of it, even if it's just a "she's nuts" type reaction which i get a lot of anyway.*
1A) "Maybe I'm drawn to Domination because of fear (not wanting to deal with the risk of a "normal" or "vanilla" relationship), laziness (not wanting to do the work of constantly balancing power in a "normal" or "vanilla" relationship)"
Being the Dominant person in a relationship in many ways takes more work that trying to balance a vanilla relationship. At all times you must be aware of the physical, mental and emotional needs of the one you are with. You must also be aware constantly of your needs and how to make sure your needs are being met without compromising their needs and in some cases filling both your and theirs at the same time. You can decide all of the sudden that you want to tie them up and take a whip to them but you also have to take into account, do they have any physical limitiations, do they have a fear of the whip or a trigger that might be hit which will cause trauma or maybe a whip or bondage are hard limits. If they hit subspace you have to take the time to bring them back, which can take a while then afterwards they might be emotionally or physically clingy. To be a Dominant in a relationship because you're afraid or don't want to deal with a vanilla relationship is a wrong reason to be a Dominant. I myself tried to be Dominant when I first started exploring because I was afraid of submitting to someone and all it did was cause me to harm someone I cared about and live a kind of lie because I was unhappy in that role and started to feel resentment towards the one I was with for making me stay in that role because that's all he knew me as.
PS: Being a sub for this reason is wrong as well, if you're submitting because you don't want to work on balancing a vanilla relationship it's not going to work. Either way you'll end up building resentment and in teh end sabatoging the relationship and hurting someone because they're holding you to a "position" you put yourself in and now you find you're uncomfortable there. Communication is always key, no matter what your role. If I'm having a bad day Master lessens the boundries a bit, if he's having a bad day I might be more attentive to his needs. In many ways being in a D/s relationship takes more balance than a vanilla one
1B)" disillusionment (thinking it's probably the only way to get a man to take his turn doing the damn dishes!) or other "wrong" reasons." No matter what kind of relationship you have, there's going to be balance, there has to be if you want things to run smoothly. I can't cook so Master makes dinner, he plans all of the meals and shops for them. I do the dishes and the laundry and other small chores around the house. He takes care of the handyman work and is the occasional plumber or mechanic or builder. I take care of the pets and garden and make sure that the bills are paid.
If you want to be Dominant in the relationship because of other "wrong" reasons maybe you shouldn't be. Yes it'd be nice sometimes to have someone at my beck and call that I could beat in order to relieve some tension but in the end all it does is make me feel worse for treating them like that, and makes me worry about what would happen if i lost control. You should be a dominant for the right reasons, because you want to help someone grow as a person, you want to see them gain confidence, learn new skills under your guidance, you want someone who serves you because they love you and want to. Obediance out of fear is a lackluster type of service, it's one that you can never trust because as soon as they can they will leave you never looking back or turn on you in an instant.
2)"Maybe I'm drawn to submission out of some need to be punished for failing someone I loved" this is wrong thinking. Submission is not about being punished, about being forced into a cage where you live off of scraps for teh rest of your life (sounds like occasional fun though lol) it's about finally being free to be who you are, to know that the one you are submitting to will never let you fall, will guide you to be the best you can be in whatever you choose to be. He's not going to tear you down because you fail, he will punish you if need be, and correct you but failing is not something that in and of itself that should be punished. This was an issue I dealt with until recently. I was constantly on edge about how well I served Master, I never thought I was good enough, was always beating myself down because I didn't serve his coffee just right, the handle wasn't exactly in the middle facing him for him to grab it easily, little things like that. Master didn't notice those things, he just saw how hard I strived to serve him. I was constantly on edge thinking that this time he's going to let me go because I didn't kneel long enough or my posture was wrong. Master, reading my journal one night came to me and said, "it wasn't your fault" and that's when a wall came down. Since then things have been more relaxed and I'm focused more on serving him well than serving him perfectly. People fail, it's human nature. It sucks sometimes because you strive so hard to be there, to not fail and then things get taken out of your hands, things go beyond your control and you have no choice but to let go (fail) or be sucked under.
2B) "Maybe having been forced to be 'the strong one' who took care of everything, I just want to give up control in a prescribed, safe way. Maybe having been so constantly under assault mentally and emotionally for so many years, I'm just wanting some structured place where the pre-set rules make it safe to be weak."
Being submissive is not being weak. It's a safe place for you to be you, for your Dom/Master to be himself. I do best with a tight schedule, a routine that rarely waivers. I don't do change well and it causes me to get out of kilter if too many things change all at once, which in turns causes me to act out because I'm feeling lost. Between the ages of 7-21 I raised three kids, lived with parent (with two of those kids) who was diagnosed with a mental disorder and so I grew up quickly in some ways and I'm still a child in many others. Master makes sure that I have rules and structure and that they are followed (this last week they've been lax because of some issues but they'll be back in place this coming week) There are days when I am kajira, where every move I make I must ask permission first, I have to ask permission to ask him a question ect, teasing is limited but my focus is sharper. Then there are days when I'm allowed a bit more freedom, teasing, joking, being silly are allowed. I still have to ask permission to go do something such as the bathroom but it's less formal. It's in this situation that Master does most of his teaching, helping me understand somethings but I'm also allowed to be more vulnerable. I can be "weak" and need his protection and get it from him, and look up to him as a sort of hero but I also know that the minute he needs the adult/responsible me I'm there ready to serve as kajira again.
2C) "I can't say that I really like to be told what to do"
Being told what to do, especially if you don't like what you're being told is hard. There are times when I'd rather not do something because it scares me. There have been times when I've begged Master to change his order because it's something that at that time I feel like I can't do it or handle it. Sometimes he amends his directive, sometimes he doesn't, if he doesn't I do it. Afterwards we always talk, about why I asked him to change it, what was so hard about it, what did I learn, how can we make it so that next time it won't be so hard and why did he tell me to do this, why did he change his order or why didn't he change it. did I learn what he was hoping I'd learn, what did I learn if anything. Being told what to do has two sides, the side that balks and goes, "I'm an adult, I don't need to be told what to wear" and the flip side is, " I like that Master takes enough interest in what I'm wearing to tell me what he wants me to wear today, it lets me know what he likes so I can duplicate it next time" or being told to take my vitamins, something I'm horrible about means that Master takes enough interest in my health to ensure that I keep myself healthy.
2D) "or that I trust anyone enough anymore to let them choose anything for me"
This is why it's imperative that you talk to, communicate with anyone you think might be a potential. Trust takes time to build, sometimes you don't even realize how far you've come until you look back at your progress. You don't have to submit to anyone if you don't think they're a fit but make sure that you're not running from someone who might be the perfect fit because they hit something too close to home. There's been a couple of times where I swear Master can read my mind, or knows it better than I do. There's been times when He's had me do something that I completly balked at or said, " I don't want to do that, it scares me" because it hit too close to an open wound but I figured especially in the beginning that I was going to have to try to trust him, if it didn't work well then I'd pick myself back up and find someoen a bit more compatable. Master instituted something a few months ago that I still have trouble with, it's called "watering my flower" which is a nicer way of saying that when we do this he takes me to a safe place emotionally and makes it okay for me to cry. Me crying can be a release of frustration or guilt or upset about anything, something that happened that day or the week before or years before. I remember the first time he told me I was going to cry with him, I clamed up, became rigid and didn't move and wouldn't talk or look at him. I laid there in his arms not moving as he talked to me and made it okay. The first few times it never happened but as I got to trust him and realized that he wasn't going to yell or leave me because I started to cry it got easier. I still don't like doing it, I'd rather we didn't do it sometimes but it is easier for the most part. But he had the patience to sit there with me for 30 minutes or an hour and just wait, talking to me, making sure I knew I was safe and it was well worth the time but if he had gotten impatient and walked away or ordered me to cry I would have lost respect for him as well as a lot of trust.
2E) "or that I retain any ability NOT to resist and react badly to any suggestion of controlling behavior."
Lol, I laugh because there have been times when I've thought, "oh hell no" to something Master has brought up. There are times when I'm especially tired or if I'm sick that Master will look at me and go, "the two year old is out" because I get clingy but fiercly independent too, I'll be contrary just to be so. I got the flu in November and threw a fit when Master told me I was to stay in bed and sleep. The last thing I wanted to do was sleep, I was determined to get up and go to work and that was when he threatened to tie me to the bed if I didn't undress that instant and get back in there. There are two types of controlling behaviour, one is the Dom's need to micromanage, they see that their way is the best way, that they will manage every step of the process. The other kind as I see it is more of a leading type. You tell me what you want and then leave it up to me to make it happen. If I need help I'll ask for it but I want the chance to figure it out myself first. I don't do well with micromanaging, I want the freedom to discover how to do it myself. I liked it when Master told me one day that I was going to shower for him, I'd never done that before so I had to figure out how to take a shower with the shower curtain open. It took me about ten minutes of examining the shower head, the shower curtain and where Master was, his angle before I figured out that if I keep the water pressure low, I can still shower and not get it all over the bathroom with the shower curtain open. Master was proud that I figured it out, that I was able to do it myself and I was proud of the fact that I did it and that he let me. He didn't jump in and say, "let me do it, you're taking too long" if I had asked him he would have told me but if he had taken over I'd have lost trust and respect in him because I'd have felt like he thought I was stupid or slow.
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Introduction, and psychology/motivation question - 
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