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This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put it, ... - 2/3/2006 7:30:09 AM

toy2serveu

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/26/2006
Status: offline

I hope this won't be an offensive post to anyone, and I know it's a rather stupid questions, but I have nobody else I can ask, so I'm hoping some random strangers can help, it's too embarassing to ask my friends

I've been with my boyfriend/Dom for a few years now and I have always had a hard time with body image and feeling like I'm not how I want to be. I work out a lot, but I can't get the body I want, everyone says that it's all body types and some people will never have this or that, like I'm short and I really wish i had longer legs, so I try and work out a lot on them to make them look as skinny as models, but it never works, that kind of thing.

Ok so that said, I have never been on top when me and him have sex, I'm so scared that him seeing my body that close is going to turn him off, and he'll notice bad things about ym body that he hasn't before. It sounds crazy, since we've been into the BDSM lifestyle for a while and he's put me in a lot of positions and probably seen ever bad part of me there is, but I almost have a panic attack when I try and get on top of him because he's watching me so closely. I tried to have him put on a blindfold, so I could do it and feel more secure, but then I was worried he could still see through it.

Has anyone here ever had this problem?

My second one is I'm really scared I won't do it "right", I've tried being on top of him when he's laying down, so I'm like kneeling ont op of him, and I couldn't go all the way up, so there wasn't that same thrusting kind of sensation...which made me feel really bad, like I can't even do it right. Are there any women...well men too even, who have some ideas on doing it another way where you get more control of the movement? I'm thinking if he were sitting up, that would give me more manoueverability, am I ont he right track?

Sorry for such a long post and such newbie questions, considering how long it's been since we've been sexually active, I shouldn't be this clueless

Post #: 1

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 7:42:05 AM

windy135

Posts: 437
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

Yeah, I have short legs to and it can that position can be odd sometimes. Try starting out doing it on a chair or bench. This way you can manuver yourself to thrust better. And just practice you wouldn't believe how easier it gets. And about the body image, he's looking at you thinking.. WOW.. but I think that is something you yourself will have to work on. Good Luck!

Ps. If you use a chair make sure it's not to tall of one.. the lower the better for use short legged people.. :)

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 2

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 7:47:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Talk to him about it and try it out.

Everyone feels that way sometimes. Try and remember that this is about expressing love and having FUN together.

As far as not doing it right- no one is born a good lover. You have to practice, make mistakes, pull hair, laugh and enjoy yourself. This is a learning experience for you both. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Easier said than done. Just go slow, have fun with it, try things out, see what feels good and what doesn't. Bodies fit together in weird ways and each partner is different.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 3

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 7:50:02 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Ok...for the first part of your question...body image

You obviously have some issues with how you view yourself, and you are not the only one who does, so your question is in no way out of line. A trick my late husband did with me after I had my daughter ( and was so embarrassed about the stretch marks ) was he put me in front of a mirror, and made me watch while he played with me. Yes, i was highly embarassed, but it did the trick because I was able to watch his face while he did this. I am not saying that it's easy to do, but this could be a limit that you tell yourself you want to overcome and have pushed.

As for being scared that you won't do it right. Honey, we all think that. Even when we are doing it right, we still think that we are doing something wrong. There is no right or wrong way, only YOUR way.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 4

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 7:53:43 AM

toy2serveu

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/26/2006
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Thanks a lot, it helps to know I'm not the only one who didn't master (no puninded) it right away. He's just so good at pleasing me that I feel really bad about the fact I haven't been able to do the same. I just was lucky he's been so patient.

I'll try the chair, I was thinking couch but chair seems like a good idea, then maybe with my feet on the ground I can use my short legs better lol

Thanks too for saying that it takes practice, I'd thought most girls didn't fumble at the start. I think it helped just to finally say/type it and get it out, I'm usually too embarassed and feeling guilty so I tell him that it hurt and lying like that just sucks. Thanks girls for the help

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 7:55:16 AM

toy2serveu

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/26/2006
Status: offline

Thanks IrishMist, the mirror idea sounds good too, I probably could use something really drastic, I want to get past this pretty badly, that's a great idea

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 6

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 8:01:53 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: toy2serveu
I'm usually too embarassed and feeling guilty so I tell him that it hurt and lying like that just sucks. Thanks girls for the help

No lying allowed! You need to be honest about your embarassment, your guilt, your worries and your feelings.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 7

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 8:02:42 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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I second LA on that...no lying. Honesty is the only approach.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 9:05:22 AM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Talk to him about it and try it out.

Even perhaps more importantly - BELIEVE him when you are talking with him about this. Believe what he says to you.

i have noticed a phenomenon among some subs - this dire need to be "perfect" in their Masters eyes. This exaggerated fear of making a "mistake" or somehow "displeasing" Him. i have seen some who cannot trust that when He says he is not displeased - that it is really true.

The advice to communicate about this is invaluable. Listening may in fact be the larger part of communication. There is an intimacy that you may find in such discussions that can transcend the sexual intimacy itself. An intimacy borne of acceptance, an opportunity to love one another. Allow Him to love you if He does (and it sounds to me like He does)

Can you trust Him? Can you trust that He is telling you the truth about what He actually thinks about your body, and about your sexual skillset? This may be worth pondering. Is this really not all a matter of trust?

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 9

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 9:51:50 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I can't get the body I want,

accept that and move on to wanting the body you already have. this slave would suggest getting OUT of the mirror. it is merely a reflection and YOUR perception is never going to be exactly the same as anothers. ever go to the fun house at the fair and see yourself all distorted by the bends in the mirror? some folks see that every time they look in regular mirrors. you might not ever "learn" to "want" your body the way that it is, young or old, tan or pale, etc, etc, but you CAN learn not to let it get to you, make you physically ill or get in the way of your joy. you ARE uniquely beautiful just the way you are, fresh out of bed in the morning, whether you accept it, realize it or not! there is no magic pill, no one single therapuetic method that will work for everyone, it IS INDEED possible, but you have to do the work necessary to come to terms with something that you are so passionate about. you have been mentally degrading yourself over your body image for awhile and it will take some practice, patience, testing and time to move on.

this slave would also suggest complete and total honesty with your Dom. perhaps one of the reasons you are not so trusting of him and his reassurances is guilt from your own deceptions---just a thought, not a finger point. this slave believes that being nude as often as possible while at home or in private, in public where acceptable(nude beaches, clubs), meditation with positive affirmations and if you are a spiritual person, fervent prayer can help folks to overcome body image issues.

quote:

Are there any women...well men too even, who have some ideas on doing it another way where you get more control of the movement?

start doing deep knee bends and squatting excercises and stretches so that you can strengthen you legs, because it takes leg strength for this one--stand on the bed and squat down over Him--hold onto the headboard for balance if you need to-if you want you can work it so that the only things coming in contact are the penis and vagina.

quote:

A trick my late husband did with me after I had my daughter ( and was so embarrassed about the stretch marks ) was he put me in front of a mirror, and made me watch while he played with me....orig:IrishMist

now this sounds like a good use of a mirror!!!!

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 10

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 10:01:13 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I've been with my boyfriend/Dom for a few years now and I have always had a hard time with body image and feeling like I'm not how I want to be. I work out a lot, but I can't get the body I want, everyone says that it's all body types and some people will never have this or that, like I'm short and I really wish i had longer legs, so I try and work out a lot on them to make them look as skinny as models, but it never works, that kind of thing.

One thing you have conveyed to us quite nicely in this post is it is your problem. Not his.
He has already long ago accepted you for who you are and your flaws.
The only issue I see is you have not shared your feelings with him so he can help you with them.
You've now been together for year's and yet have never communicated what is deep within you. Why? It should be second nature by now.
Nobody here can give you valid ideas that will work. He can though. The problem lies within the two of you and if he really loves you he will help you through it.
Be honest and upfront about your fears. Tell him what you would like to accomplish and he will hold your hand the whole way.

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 11

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 10:03:25 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Fuck it Baby, you two love each other...right?

make it darker and don't turn on the lights...love conquers all!

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 10:15:14 AM

toy2serveu

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/26/2006
Status: offline

Thanks everyone, and he knows how I feel, he's really good about always complimenting me and telling me that I'm beautiful, and when I say he just says that because he loves me, he points out how everywhere we go men look at me, and I know it's true, but they don't see me naked, so they don't see everything. He's tried to help me through this all and even said if it's plastic surgery that would make me feel better, he'll pay for it and support it, despite the fact he says I don't need it and he doesn't want me to have it because of risks and that I could end up still not being happy...and he's probably right. The lies about it being painful are bad, and I know that, I just feel so stupid for being so strangled with the body image, and he's done so much to help me get past it that I feel even worse about telling him the truth which is I'm still just as bad as I have been and that's why I can't do it yet.

I guess it's that I've seen him look at other girls too, and know he likes women taller than me, so I know logically I'll never be perfect for him or myself and he'll still love me and think I'm beautiful, it's just hard to overcome feeling bad about myself. I kind of wish I'd done more to get past it as far as sex before because now that its been so long I feel pressured to be the best at it right from the start, so I kind of worked myself into a panic

Thanks for the kind words everyone, I'm going to just do it this weekend, obviously waiting for the "right time" just isn't going to happen, so it's better if I just bite the bullet and do it already. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to let me 'practice', so that's good at least lol

Thanks everyone, it will take time for me to get comfortable with it, but I hated being naked around him at first and I eventually got to the point where I can enjoy it sometimes, so with time I'll get there with being on top too.

Thanks for the tip about the squatting exercises and sqautting ont op of him, I never even thought of that, that's great!

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 13

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 10:40:08 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

there is something regarding body image that you should consider...he likes the body you already have. keep that in mind when you get down on yourself...he likes you the way you are. He may look at other taller women, but he didn't choose one, he chose you, and that is pretty much all there is to worry about.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 14

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 2:16:18 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Thanks everyone, and he knows how I feel, he's really good about always complimenting me and telling me that I'm beautiful, and when I say he just says that because he loves me, he points out how everywhere we go men look at me, and I know it's true, but they don't see me naked, so they don't see everything. He's tried to help me through this all and even said if it's plastic surgery that would make me feel better, he'll pay for it and support it, despite the fact he says I don't need it and he doesn't want me to have it because of risks and that I could end up still not being happy...and he's probably right. The lies about it being painful are bad, and I know that, I just feel so stupid for being so strangled with the body image, and he's done so much to help me get past it that I feel even worse about telling him the truth which is I'm still just as bad as I have been and that's why I can't do it yet.

I guess it's that I've seen him look at other girls too, and know he likes women taller than me, so I know logically I'll never be perfect for him or myself and he'll still love me and think I'm beautiful, it's just hard to overcome feeling bad about myself. I kind of wish I'd done more to get past it as far as sex before because now that its been so long I feel pressured to be the best at it right from the start, so I kind of worked myself into a panic

You know that you are doing this to yourself so why do you keep doing it? If he loves you, he loves all of you, flaws and problems and all. Guys look at women... get over it. It has nothing to do with him wanting someone over you. We are visual creatures and we look. Not everything he does has a hidden message behind it unless you put it there, and there again you are inflicting the pain on yourself.

Communicate!!!!! I don't know how many times this has been said on these boards, and I am sure it will be said many more times. Your master can help you to gain self confidence if you allow him to do so but if he doesn't know what you are thinking... he will have no clue. The problem here is that your own thoughts remaining unanswered will fester and infect you to the point that you will become more confused. If you have a hard time saying what you want to REALLY say to him, then write him a letter and then discuss it with him.

You know, accept who you are and you will find that you will be much happier in life. Too many people want to be something they are not... and that is a trap.

I wish you the best and I hope that things work out for you.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 15

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 2:25:57 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

I guess it's that I've seen him look at other girls too,

Hmm, all I can do is quote you from my own experiences here....my late husband ALWAYS looked at other girls...even commented on the differences in our bodies...IE, he like big breasted girls, but I was kind of small...he used to comment on that all the time. At first, it bothered me, until I realized something important.

After all his comments, and all his eye wanderings...he went home with one person. ME

And that was not because he had to but because he wanted to. Nor did he ever make me feel less just because he looked and commented on others...it actually made me feel more loved knowing that he chose to go home with me. As time went on, I developed the thinking that if he was NOT looking at other women...then it was time to start worrying.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 16

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 2:47:19 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

he's really good about always complimenting me and telling me that I'm beautiful, and when I say he just says that because he loves me,

Do you really believe what you just said? i mean in your heart of hearts? You believe he is only saying it because he loves you. What better reason is there? (i can think of much worse reasons to say it)

He just says that because he loves you??? ... what more would you wish? If this is fact true, you are in fact blessed!

From my own perspective, i have had a gf with this problem in the past. i must tell you that when she "doubted" the reasons for my compliments, and "questioned" my motives - it hurt me. The way she looked never hurt me (stunning in every way in my opinion) - but to say to me "Yea but ...." after i share my feelings with her, it is hurtful.

Do i not know my own mind? Am i so dishonest of a person that i do not or cannot tell my lover the truth? Am i saying these things while thinking others (like about a different type of girl as my preference?). These are the types of feelings and thoughts that treatment causes in me.

He is telling you the truth. Your issue is "Why can't i accept that truth" Answer that question and you will be on your way to recovery from this thing.

Here's a suggestion for you ... why not just let the man love you?

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 17

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 4:22:39 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

My second one is I'm really scared I won't do it "right", I've tried being on top of him when he's laying down, so I'm like kneeling ont op of him, and I couldn't go all the way up, so there wasn't that same thrusting kind of sensation...which made me feel really bad, like I can't even do it right. Are there any women...well men too even, who have some ideas on doing it another way where you get more control of the movement? I'm thinking if he were sitting up, that would give me more manoueverability, am I ont he right track?

toy2serveu

toy, i have always wanted to be short, small boobs, and dark. No one is free of insecurities. Try to remember: He thinks you're beautiful. Who else matters?

As for your specific, try kneeling but leaning forward and pulling away from Him...and remember, this is FUN.

candystripper

(in reply to toy2serveu)

Post #: 18

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 4:35:26 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Bite the hell out of him...he will forget what your physical image is...lol....trust me, I know!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 19

RE: This is a sex question, I didn't know where to put ... - 2/3/2006 4:56:39 PM

toy2serveu

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/26/2006
Status: offline

Thanks again everyone.

Talking about it here kind of brought everything to the surface, I got pretty emotionally, cried for a bit and called myself stupid, then I sort of had a moment of clarity and told myself I need to face this already. So I did, I called him at work and said I wanted him to cover when he got off, he could tell I'd done some crying os he offered to come to my place then, but I said I was ok and it could wait.

We spent the past couple hours talking, and I told him how I'd always been insecure with him, mainly because of how we met (we met online, so he'd grown to like my personality before ever seeing my pictures and ever meeting me face to face) and told him how before him, men always were attracted to my appearance first, so I never doubted whether they thought I was beautiful and sexy, it was obvious...yet with him, I feel that he truly loves ME, but felt the attraction had never been that fierce.

We talked about it all, I cried like a baby, he told me to trust him when he says he thought I was beautiful from the pictures alone, but thought I was even better when we met the first time, so it was reassuring. He asked if I wanted him to make sure he doesn't look at other girls when we're togther and I said of course not, it's not jealousy, it's self conciousness, so him looking isn't the problem, it's what I let myself start thinking and letting it keep bothering me. Then after that talk I actually felt comfortable enough to finally conquer the fear and just do it...thanks for the squatting suggestion, that really made a difference! It was still awkward at first, but he's passed out now so clearly he enjoyed it, and I did too.

It's been a big day for me, I feel like this is the first big step to getting my head together and being more confident again, I miss that a lot. Thanks to everyone, you guys (sorry, I use the word a lot...guys/girls/men/women lol) really helped me a lot today just with these replies, it means a lot *hugs* to everyone!

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 20

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