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Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 3:56:52 PM

PhoenixDominated

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/11/2009
Status: offline

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

Post #: 1

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:15:08 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

You have answered your own question.
If it feels wrong; it usually is. Trust your gut instincts, they are best warning system you will ever have.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 2

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:15:49 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Generally if your instinct tells you something does not feel right, then it's usually not right.

On the other hand you've only been chatting with this person online for a month. That's not a lot of time, chat wise.

However, if he has demanded to know your name and your physical address and won't share his own, then I do see a problem. This is more about trust than communication. If he doesn't not trust you then why should you trust him? Often times (not all) when someone hesitates to share personal information there is a reason for that. The main one is that the person is married and playing online without the spouse's permission.

So how much do you trust that the Dom is the person he says he is? To answer one of your questions, no, in my personal experience I have not found lack of trust and sharing of information to be normal online. Usually the Dom is trying to prove that he is sincere and often will offer personal information such as name and phone number just as soon as there seems to be a potential relationship. Yes, some internet relationships do grow and become real connections. Collarme has successs stories where the two have met here and eventually married.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 3

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:27:15 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

On the other hand you've only been chatting with this person online for a month. That's not a lot of time, chat wise.

While I do agree with most of what you said, I have to say that this right here, I disagree with.
I don't think that the amount of time a person has talked to another; whether it be online or in person has anything to do with it.
If something, to the person involved, does not feel right; then they need to trust their own feelings and act accordingly.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 4

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:34:07 PM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

like everyone else said, trust your gut. there's been a time or two when i should have listened sooner but i always listened before things got bad.

also, ask him. have you asked him for this information? i always let potentials know up front that if it gets serious and we meet I expect; all the information I need for a complete background check, a current up to date health record stating they have no stds, or if they do what they have (doesn't mean i'll call off the relationship if they do have one but i want to know) and i want a phone number where i can reach them at any time.

Most say okay and then when you get serious and ask for the information for a background check they back off. But I also give out all of the above. I expect that if I'm going to get all this information from them, then they can get teh same from me. one its fair and two it builds trust on both sides.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 5

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:35:56 PM

GeekFreak

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

I don't see how you can refer to it as "seeing him" when you know so little about this man. I would say, with this little information he's either A) Not digging you, so much or B) A total douchebag who's probably trying to cheat on his wife/girlfriend, or C) Just flat out a bit crazy.

Yes people you meet online can develop into a conventional relationship...I would think there wouldn't be much purpose in seeking relationships here if that were not the case.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 4:51:08 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

I am wondering why you chose to try an online relationship when real time has worked well for you?

If the lack of reciprocal information is bothering you then accept that as valid.
And if the absence of intimacy leaves you empty, then perhaps on-line is not for you.
(That does not make you any less submissive.)
And yes, trust your gut.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 7

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 5:01:18 PM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

In my opinion, if it is only online at this point, i wouldnt expect any personal information, but if you decide to meet realtime, and he still doesnt offer that info, I would be leary

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 8

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 6:10:50 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Any information exchange should be reciprocal. Nobody but you can decide what is too fast or too slow in terms of timing, but it sounds like you're getting frustrated so it may be the time to ask for what you want the next step to be -- more info, phone conversations, etc.

(in reply to subangi)

Post #: 9

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 6:14:35 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If you don't know the information and you would like something more than online chat then meet him in real life. If you both still have that connection....then date...see how it goes and get to know each other like real normal people do.

If he still refuses to give you any details about himself and you've asked him for it (yes, ask him. Maybe he doesn't even realize he hasn't really offered up much about himself..some people just don't like to talk about themselves and you have only to blame then if he still doesn't answer), then you know he's not that into you and you should move on and stop wasting your time.

If you only want it to stay online then I don't think you can expect much more from him and he has no obligation to really offer it up to you.

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 10

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 7:17:52 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

He won’t tell you personal info, he doesn’t share much in the way of thoughts or feelings. So I’m wondering why you would spend time on line or in person with someone you don’t know well enough to even figure out if you like him?

In what situations would communication NOT be a key factor?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 11

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 7:26:09 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

In every type of relationship I have, communication is key. Otherwise it's not a relationship. Sometimes people may not "offer up" information but are more than willing to answer questions ... it shows you are interested in them. Do you ask questions and he not answer? or does he change the subject ? Or does he throw it back on you? If so, then it seems to me, he's hiding things. If not .. then you just need to ask him what you want to know ... show interest and he'll answer.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 12

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 7:56:13 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

If it feels wrong; it usually is.

Whatever happened to: "If it feels wrong it's twice as hot"?

Sigh.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 13

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 7:58:10 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

Whatever happened to: "If it feels wrong it's twice as hot"?

Sigh.

That was covered in another thread; I believe, this forum.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 14

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:03:05 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I notice that you say you were submissive but reading up on BDSM which makes me wonder if you were just naturally submissive and not a sub. Yes, even relationships that start online get more intimate with time. Some people aren't very good at communicating via chat services but you should at least know some facts about him such as full name, general location, etc. Then you can Google him. That would at least be a start.

_____________________________

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 15

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:09:17 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

I know what you mean and so far my experience was that when he was able to talk openly about himself and disclosed things like his address nad his landline, then he was real (though that still did not mean that his profile was acurate-ish

) whereas when he was quite reluctant about it then he was more a fool then anything else.

At the moment I am involved with someone who might be real (well, I will find out in 12 hours when we meet *lol*) but I know your feeling as he also refused to disclose his phone number or address...the reasons he explained can make sense and he said he will give those details once we meet in person...but nevertheless I know what you mean with that it does not feel great. That being said in regards to my meeting he sounds ok, I do know his full name and he seems not to be just another wanker...good luck with the decision you will be doing, but I would not accept to be at "someones mercy" in regards to communication...particular not when I would know so little about him as you do.

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 16

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:09:34 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

If it feels wrong; it usually is.

Whatever happened to: "If it feels wrong it's twice as hot"?

Sigh.

Hey, I never said wrong was not hot

Only that if it feels wrong; it is

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 17

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:19:12 PM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

You are not "seeing " this guy if this still in cybererotic realm~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 18

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:45:14 PM

mystickoolaid

Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixpower

I know what you mean and so far my experience was that when he was able to talk openly about himself and disclosed things like his address nad his landline, then he was real (though that still did not mean that his profile was acurate-ish) whereas when he was quite reluctant about it then he was more a fool then anything else.

At the moment I am involved with someone who might be real (well, I will find out in 12 hours when we meet *lol*) but I know your feeling as he also refused to disclose his phone number or address...the reasons he explained can make sense and he said he will give those details once we meet in person...but nevertheless I know what you mean with that it does not feel great. That being said in regards to my meeting he sounds ok, I do know his full name and he seems not to be just another wanker...good luck with the decision you will be doing, but I would not accept to be at "someones mercy" in regards to communication...particular not when I would know so little about him as you do.

Good luck with your meeting!!!

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 19

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 8:52:26 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

i met my M'Lady after chatting on line and now i have been collared for over a year now. when a real time meeting was set up it was understood that no play would occur and that it had to be a public place (happened to be a dungeon) Her reasons not to reveal personal info were understood. the point is if you want something you must ask for it. have you let Him know how you feel, what you want, what you like dislike. have you seen public play what kind of relationship do you desire. what you know of the lifestyle what you and He expect. in any relationship vanilla or leather there has to be communication or the relationship will not work.

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 20

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