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Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 5:34:04 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		How far are you or have you gone to make a D/s relationship work?
 
When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 5:36:10 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?
the vanilla skills. To me...i was trying to save a D/s relationship, as opposed to a D/s relationship

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 5:59:12 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Things haven't really got to the point of falling apart, but I've had to bring her back from the brink of a pretty destructive depression...

I tried vanilla first, but the thing that finally got thru to her was when I spoke to her Master to slave....That was actually quite a shocking revelation to both of us...certainly, it was a last resort on my part.

I guess she's more Mine than I ever imagined. I'm so proud

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:00:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am sure there is a lot of D/s that creeps into all aspects of my life. After all, I don't stop being me, just because there is a problem or a challenge. Yet, while the dominant aspect of me are always there, dealing with relationship problems are a human issue.

I think the self awareness I've gained, the self control, learning to step back and be more watchful, that is part of of my journey in wanting to become a woman worthy of being called mistress, makes me much more sucessful in all relationships. The key difference, I have a more defined sense of what I will tollerate and what I want and less problems with demanding it.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:08:08 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		I just say nah to hell with it n walk out n keep on being awesome


..but on more serious notes it's the vanilla route


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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:33:08 AM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

How far are you or have you gone to make a D/s relationship work?

I'm only prepared to go as far as i am comfortable going.
 
quote:

When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?

I used my skills. Are we now labelling certain skills as vanilla and certain ones D/s? I have always just thought the skills i have were my personal skills, many probably shared by others admittedly, but skills shown in my own unique way. Don't we have enough boxes, labels without putting skills into them as well?

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:40:06 AM   
tiinkerbell


Posts: 96
Status: offline
quote:

How far are you or have you gone to make a D/s relationship work?

In the past; I thought that I was putting everything that I had into the relationship. Since it fell apart, I have instead come to realize that I withheld a lot of myself; and in doing so, short changed both of us.
Now, and for the future; I have learned a lot since then, and my wish/hope is that in any new relationship I can use what I have learned to see that it does indeed work. If not well; then at least better than I have in the past.
 
quote:

  When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?

I withdrew into myself in an attempt to understand what I was feeling, and thinking; instead I should have been trying to talk about these emotions.
 
Allison

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:57:22 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I don't see my "d/s" skills as being any different from my "vanilla" skills. I did what it took to try and make it work.

I put up with his laziness. Tried to ignore his messes, cleaned up after him as he walked.
I tried to bite my tongue as much as possible.
I tried communicating or asking him if we could.
I ignored the cheating and lying that was going on.
I made myself miserable and depressed because it was "all about him".

......I did everything I could until it got to a point where I could no longer take anymore and I broke down mentally and physically.

At that point it was no longer worth saving or trying and it simply ended.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 6:59:18 AM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?


I used my skill at recognizing when it's sometimes best to let it fall apart and get on with my life. I have not looked back and I have not regretted the decision. It was the right call.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 7:10:42 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

How far are you or have you gone to make a D/s relationship work?
 
When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?


im curious to know why you title this 'self destruction'.

are you suggesting that people hang in there long after they should have moved on or that people carry on to a point of self destruction.

i think possibly they do if the relationship means anything to them - they will go that extra mile to try and pull it back from the brink.  but self destruction is relative to the moment i think. 

its possible to feel incredibly negative directly after a break up.  you can start questioning everything about youreself and what you need from a relationship or even if the type of relationship you want is even out there.

but then that passes and you pick up and move on.

giggling.  i had this funny moment with a friend on the other side when i said to her 'im still around and im still optimistic' and we agreed that would make a brilliant epitaph on someones grave -


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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 8:23:51 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

...I think the self awareness I've gained, the self control, learning to step back and be more watchful, that is part of of my journey in wanting to become a woman worthy of being called mistress, makes me much more sucessful in all relationships. The key difference, I have a more defined sense of what I will tollerate and what I want and less problems with demanding it.

This is very like my perspective. (Though I'd likely substitute 'man' for 'woman' in the first sentence.)

I think D/s has helped me with communication, with achieving some kind of inner clarity (or at least, organization), with boundary setting, etc.

Of course - I might have improved all those skills anyway, over the same period of time, no matter what path I was on...

So ~ I don't identify them as dominant skills, specifically. Although they sort of feel that way because that's the path I've been on while I've been developing them, so there's that association there.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 10:13:55 AM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Serious relationships are just that "relationships" to me.
What I value in a human being and in a relationship has not changed because
of this lifestyle.
I don't change being me, my values, or my standards because of a "relationship".

For me, I am in a relationship FIRST in which we indulge in D/s activities second.
The relationship will always mean more to me than the activities, for instance, what
if one of us becomes sick, incapacitated or develops a chronic illness in which there is little "play" for a few years?
What is left, then?
Will one of us run out the door because the other can't play due to illness, or any other real
life issues that tend to get in the way?
For me the answer is simple, you are with me for the long term (no matter what) or you
are not really "with me".

Now I don't see anything wrong with casual or play relationships.
The problem often is when both partners don't agree on the level of committment.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 5/3/2009 10:29:01 AM >

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 11:23:54 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am sure there is a lot of D/s that creeps into all aspects of my life. After all, I don't stop being me, just because there is a problem or a challenge. Yet, while the dominant aspect of me are always there, dealing with relationship problems are a human issue.


Exactly! That's just how I approached the depression. It's real, it's not part of our M/s "game"....Nothing I tried would get thru the armour she'd built up and things got really quite bad.

Then, as a last push, I gave her the "I thought I was sposed to be in charge" speech. Half hour later, she was finally opening up to me and beginning to heal. It doesn't sound right to me even now, but...that's how it went.

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I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 12:41:56 PM   
MsDDom


Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline 		i think the best skill is to communicate...
more often than none communication is the problem in relationships (D/s or vanilla)


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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 2:03:35 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

How far are you or have you gone to make a D/s relationship work?

In the past, pretty far at times.  Things about that was, the farther I was willing to go, the worse things ended up.  I learned the hard way that if me simply being me isn't enough... then nothing is ever going to be enough. 
 
quote:

When things were falling apart, what skills or what traits did you try to use the most? Your D/s ones or your vanilla ones?

I use my relationship skills... which are neither D/s nor "vanilla".  Those same skills apply to any kind of relationship and they include being able to do things like listen, communicate effectively, remain objective when necessary, being able to forgive, etc.

When I fail to use those relationship skills, things generally get worse.  Most of the time when I do use them, things improve, but not always... some relationships just can't be salvaged no matter what you do.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 5:08:27 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I don't really differentiate between 'vanilla' and D/s skills; they all function on a continuum, imo, and are potentially applicable in a broad sense. 
As for how far will I go to save a relationship.  Heh, too far, as my nearly 15 year marriage proved but, you know, I'd rather risk going too far than not bieng willing to invest enough.  That having been said, though, I have learned a bit more about self-preservation in the past several years, at least in ways. 
  Davan

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/3/2009 5:11:31 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		any skills i have as a human being.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/4/2009 2:18:06 AM   
SIRLOINSTEAK


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/30/2009
Status: offline 		I like boxes. You have your vanilla box where your skills go into this box. Then you have your D/s skills where your bondage and control/submission skills go in this box. Then you have your grey box, where if you aren't sure what your skill is, you put it in the grey box. Then you have your green box....

I like boxes.....even what's his face talked about life being like a "BOX" of chocalotes......he must like boxes too!

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/4/2009 3:46:07 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		When things start to go pear shaped Y/you have to decide for Y/yourself which way will work the best. It won't always be D/s, it won't always be vanilla. Y/you have to decide.

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RE: Self Destruction - 5/5/2009 7:02:19 PM   
SIRLOINSTEAK


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/30/2009
Status: offline 		yea, we call this horizontal growth.....you bust out of your old jeans....instead of wearing a size 2 or 6 or 8 your wearing a size 16 or 32 or 48.......

pear shaped = horizontal growth.....not to be confused with a job change that is horizontal.....not veritical (pay raise/decrease)....never take a job that is more responsibliity for equal pay.......if its more responsibility/tougher, it should also include more money......

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