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The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 12:21:37 PM

atljerbear35

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

If there's one general fault with finding a mate in this lifestyle, it's that we are so concerned with the possible benefits of the lifestyle that we forget the basics of long-term relationships, which often leads to failure; and this applies to both sides of the whip. I've just ended a 20-year marriage, and while I'm eager to begin living a TPE life with the right Woman, I won't repeat my previous mistake by accepting a person at face value. The D/s, M/s, and BDSM aspects are very, VERY important to me, but they're worthless unless built upon a strong foundation of trust, communication, and understanding- just like any "vanilla" relationship.

Perhaps that's why I feel so jaded lately while reading profiles... so many expect an applicant to be ready-made and fresh off the shelf, with a laundry list of must-have qualities and qualifications that almost always include financial servitude. They rarely acknowledge that it takes time and patience to get to know one another and establish the parameters of the LTR they are both seeking. It's the same with the applicants- or "Do Me!" subs, as they're often referred to by Dommes- thinking a Woman is going to simply start fulfilling all of their fantasies... and disregard normal issues like love, trust, mutual respect, and honest communication... and don't forget setting the boundaries/roles/rules that will define the relationship as time goes by. I learned the hard way that men who follow their dicks, so so at their peril. Like the title says, it's putting the cart before the horse if you focus on lifestyle issues without establishing the basics first.

I hope the right Woman for me is out there- somewhere; but lately, I've become very skeptical of ever finding Her.

Post #: 1

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 12:33:02 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

You are assuming people are looking for life partners. I think that there may be some that are, but I also think that there are many on this site that are living for the moment.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 2

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 12:34:18 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

While it does take time and what you say is true, I think many consider all these things, especially on the boards. The problem I see in part is that many are carrying around a former relationship and are afraid to move into what they want because they need an out considering what they went through before. Until that mark of the past is dealt with and healed, they will need more time and hestitate and build up walls of protection that keeps them at the 'do me' now... but let me 'fly solo' because I just need more time. One must be free and open and not trapped by fear that they use as a protective meassure, before they can be ready to give all in a new relationship.

You have to get through that cart before you can put a horse on the lead so to speak.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 3

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 1:23:31 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Not sure about horses and carts, as it seems that too many are too preoccupied with their asses.

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(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 4

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 1:24:32 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

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Post #: 5

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 1:27:46 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I simply accept the fact that it takes a long time and differing circumstances before you can even begin to think you may know someone. People can make lists and provide tons of requirements to their heart's content, but the proof comes in spending time together, and hopefully witnessing consistent behavior.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 6

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 1:51:45 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

I would agree with Omega. Not everyone here is looking for a life partner. In addition for those who are there are different ways of going about it. Personally all of my most sucessful relationships started out with casual sex and gradually getting to know each other from there. Sometimes it works that way.

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 7

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 3:19:00 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

I took the time to read over your profile and I have one question...what exactly are you complaining about?

You talk mainly about sex, give your own "laundry list" of skills and offer little in your photos or journal entries that would lead me to believe you're looking for "a strong foundation of trust, communication, and understanding- just like any "vanilla" relationship." To be blunt, your profile has "do-me" written all over it.

I'm one of those who is looking for more than just casual play. I'm quite clear about that in my profile. If this is what you seek, perhaps you need to look to how you present yourself before you question the actions of others.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 8

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 3:29:40 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atljerbear35

If there's one general fault with finding a mate in this lifestyle, it's that we are so concerned with the possible benefits of the lifestyle that we forget the basics of long-term relationships, which often leads to failure; and this applies to both sides of the whip. I've just ended a 20-year marriage, and while I'm eager to begin living a TPE life with the right Woman, I won't repeat my previous mistake by accepting a person at face value. The D/s, M/s, and BDSM aspects are very, VERY important to me, but they're worthless unless built upon a strong foundation of trust, communication, and understanding- just like any "vanilla" relationship.

Perhaps that's why I feel so jaded lately while reading profiles... so many expect an applicant to be ready-made and fresh off the shelf, with a laundry list of must-have qualities and qualifications that almost always include financial servitude. They rarely acknowledge that it takes time and patience to get to know one another and establish the parameters of the LTR they are both seeking. It's the same with the applicants- or "Do Me!" subs, as they're often referred to by Dommes- thinking a Woman is going to simply start fulfilling all of their fantasies... and disregard normal issues like love, trust, mutual respect, and honest communication... and don't forget setting the boundaries/roles/rules that will define the relationship as time goes by. I learned the hard way that men who follow their dicks, so so at their peril. Like the title says, it's putting the cart before the horse if you focus on lifestyle issues without establishing the basics first.

I hope the right Woman for me is out there- somewhere; but lately, I've become very skeptical of ever finding Her.

i knew TheEngineer for 9+ years before i agreed to be with him 24/7. he moved me here from where i was and we set up housekeeping together. we've been married since december.

and i STILL am learning about him, and he about me. and that's WITH an honesty agreement between us, and me agreeing to be his submissive. so no, even if i were looking again, and expecting a long term permanent relationship, i wouldnt expect to know someone immediately, or even expect to know someone absolutely within a few years.

YMMV
kitten

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 9

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 3:31:58 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I read the profile and wondered why a collared man would start a thread like this. After another post... I read the journal as far as I could... a few pages. A guy out looking for someone to use his ass... while married, then asked for a divorce a few months later... and most everything is... isn't there a dominant, female or male that will come to hotel/truck? to use the ass?

What the hell do you mean take time to build a relationship and trust? When your ass is ready for... what was it you said in your journal? Anyone?

Gotta love this place! lol

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 10

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 5:16:47 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

Does not matter provided you can put the cart and horse together properly. Some people end up with horses facing the cart.

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 11

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 5:26:22 PM

masmiss

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

your profile has "do me" written all over it. Don't understand what your talking about.

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 12

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 5:45:04 PM

atljerbear35

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

Some of you guys just can't help yourselves, can you? You just can't accept a topic at face-value and have an intelligent conversation about it without passing judgement on the poster or question his right to voice an opinion. I'm unaware of any authority here that decides who can post an opinion or start a discussion on any given topic, and your condemnation of me reeks of hypocrisy. Lighten up, will ya? I have a right to be here too.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 13

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 5:50:06 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

You are free to post: we are free to judge.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 14

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 6:14:18 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It is true. Anyone can start a topic. However, many times, the motivations for doing so come into question. Is the person posing the question looking for insight? Validation? Education? Those are possibilities. Some not so honorable possibilities exist as well. Is the person just looking for attention? Are they trying to manipulate the reader? Is it a cleverly disguised personal ad? Perhaps written is such a way that the mods won't notice it?

Being located in the same state, the OP's profile does cross My screen on the home page from time to time. I won't say My opinion of it. I will say the current picture is a better one, rather than the old one with the item that was in the crook of the arm. After seeing it, I'm afraid it is rather difficult to take the question at face value.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 15

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 7:45:21 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atljerbear35

Some of you guys just can't help yourselves, can you? You just can't accept a topic at face-value and have an intelligent conversation about it without passing judgement on the poster or question his right to voice an opinion. I'm unaware of any authority here that decides who can post an opinion or start a discussion on any given topic, and your condemnation of me reeks of hypocrisy. Lighten up, will ya? I have a right to be here too.

No one said you didn't have a right to be here. Actually you sang a pretty strong song about the do me submissive's and then we go to read your profile and journal and low and behold... do me... please, anybody...

You are collared to someone and talking about being jaded and all sorts of things. Are you clear on how you are coming off and the innocent victim act around here doesn't go far. Point your fingers first at those who are do me submissive's and people not taking time and getting to know one another and when people find your 'opinion' to serve whatever moment you are in... point another finger.

You might want to get your story straight before you annouce it as common sense because between your thread postings and your profile and journal... nothing is making sense.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 16

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 7:47:24 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Can't help Myself here.

There's an old saying that goes, "Anytime you point a finger at someone else, there's always three fingers pointing right back at you."

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 17

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 7:58:54 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Hence the need to wear a good brand of flack jacket and carry flame proof gear and gas mask because if you fart at someone there is going to be several people farting right back at you. Ahaaa! baked beans, salted peanuts and stale beer then butt plugs at dawn!!!!

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 18

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 8:03:04 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atljerbear35

Some of you guys just can't help yourselves, can you? You just can't accept a topic at face-value and have an intelligent conversation about it without passing judgement on the poster or question his right to voice an opinion. I'm unaware of any authority here that decides who can post an opinion or start a discussion on any given topic, and your condemnation of me reeks of hypocrisy. Lighten up, will ya? I have a right to be here too.

The only hypocrisy I read on this thread is the OP.

"Go put your creed into your deed." Ralph Waldo Emerson

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 5/3/2009 8:07:06 PM >

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 19

RE: The cart before the horse - 5/3/2009 8:07:08 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Okay, I have to ask. Did the OP throw away a 20+ year marriage for what apparently would almost have to be an online D/s thing? Why on earth is the OP looking for someone to come to his random hotel stops? Wouldn't that be off limits or strictly monitored if it were real time? I know everyone practices differently, but I am lost here.

This post sort of smacks of someone who is finally getting the idea that maybe they jumped into things too quickly and it is now falling apart. Just my take on not enough sleep.....

lovingpet

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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