ShadeDiva
Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: seekingxtc
Thank you all for your thoughts. The reson I asked is because I am now in a relationship (long Term) that is supposed to be exclusive (her & I). For the past month and a half she has been ignoring me, coming to bed when I get up to go to work, on the computer when I get home and stays there. When I try to talk to her I am almost ignored and made to feel as if I am interupting and bothering her. She clicks on to her email page every time I enter the room (but claims she has hundreds of emails to go through because she has not checked them in a long time). I then did walk in the room and suprise her and found her cyber sexing with another guy. I was so hurt and felt I was the problem. After a week or so of me fuming inside and not able to get over it, I confronted her on it and explained my feelings. She said it was just her online persona not her and any way she has a social group of friends that she likes to chat with, not cyber sex. She did not straight dennie having cyber sex, but would not admit it. She agreed to cut way back and consentrate on us and not have cyber sex, but only chat with her on line friends. 2 nights later she went to the computer for "just a bit". When I woke up she was still on it (10 hours after getting on it). She does not feel she is cheating because it it not real. I feel it is because I am hurt, ignored emotionaly and physicaly, and she is sharing her intimate thoughts and feelings with another.
I wanted to know if I was way oveer reacting or not. I thank every one for your thoughts on this. Time to confront her again. I love her and want this to work.
Thank you
I'd agree with needing the therapy.
And I would say you are NOT overreacting.
I've been there, done that.
Give them an ultimatium, YOU or their cybering that you know they are trying to hide from you and lie to you about. Tell her how it feels, ask her how SHE would feel if the roles were reversed. Tell her you are worth more than that (and you ARE) and that you deserve and want a partner that is fully vested - emotionally, physicially, spiritually, and TIME-wise in your relationship (because you DO deserve that). Tell her if she wants it BAD enough to lie to you and hide it from you then perhaps she should be HONEST about it for once and maybe that's where she should go, for really, if she and you aren't working together, maybe you do need to go your own ways.
More importantly - if YOU feel it is cheating, then TELL her that. If she responds with her opinion that it isn't - fine. Accept that. And tell her, okay I understand that for YOU it doesn't seem that way, but to ME it does, and if you continue to do it AFTER you KNOW how it feels to me, whether openly or behind my back realize that you are then choosing to HURT me as if you were actually having real sex with someone else. And that I will need to make a decision about someone that would do that to me knowing fully how much it would affect me and hurt me. Realize this might be a compatablity issue too - if her definition of cheating doesn't match yours and she can't respect yours to choose to not hurt you - it is likely this is something that will happen again - it's one of those definitions that most folks don't check for matching that REALLY can make or break a relationship later on down the road
And if they are willing to work on it and take therpay with you, GREAT. IF they actually WORK on it. You can only meet folks half-way hon. They HAVE to be willing to come half-way and meet you. If they don't - there is just nothing you can do, as painful as that realization might be.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It hurts a lot, and from someone that's been there - the lie hurts more than anything else - even the rationalization. Know that you aren't alone.
And also recognize this is fully a two way street. If she feels she has to hide who she is, then she isn't in a great relationship for HER either. Sometimes you have to be the person that makes the hard choice to better your and her life on down the road. And it can be a very hard choice.
_____________________________
~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld
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RE: Cyber-sex Is it cheating? - 
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