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Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 7:12:18 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
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How do you cope with losing your wiggle room on something difficult for you? It could be something that is new to you that you fear or maybe something that used to be a bit more negotiable than it is going to be in the future. How do you prepare and handle that shrinking comfort zone?

Thanks!

lovingpet

Post #: 1

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 7:20:14 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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i would tell Daddy how i was feeling and We would go from there. But i'm not crystal clear what you mean by wiggle room.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
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(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 2

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 7:43:38 AM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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I am kind of intentionally leaving it a bit open ended, but I am talking about going from a position of having a say over something to not having the input anymore. I am not saying that there is a lack of communication. I am talking about something that both knew was going to happen at some point and the determination has been made that now is the time and that the necessary factors are in place for it to be taken out of the submissive's hands.

In my case, I do have a particular circumstance in mind. I have been assured that no amount of negotiating, dodging, or pleading on my part is going to get me out of playing publicly this coming weekend. It has a major fear aspect for me that we are both well aware of. I have had time to acclaimate to the club and the people there. I have built a great relationship with my partner. I communicate my fears and concerns which are handled with care and taken seriously. Still, when all is said and done, it has been taken from my hands and I know that this WILL happen. It is not the first of its kind and won't be the last.

I just want to improve my processing of these kinds of things. I am seeking insight along those lines. I would like to not be a basketcase every time this happens. I can feel the confines around me shrink quite regularly and, though it is what I want, I don't handle it well in the beginning. Maybe that makes more sense?

lovingpet

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 3

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 8:27:54 AM

InTonguesslut

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I'd handle this the same way i handle anything that i can no longer 'wiggle' out of, i accept the inevitable!!

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(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 4

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 8:41:44 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

I'd handle this the same way i handle anything that i can no longer 'wiggle' out of, i accept the inevitable!!

that's the way i deal with it also and for me the best thing is to absolutely not think about it anymore as that would only amount to fretting and would make me tense...

(in reply to InTonguesslut)

Post #: 5

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 9:01:59 AM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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LOL!!!!! Believe me I am trying. At this point in the week, however, I kind of have my focus averted there whether I want it to be or not. Packing, arranging my household for me to be gone, picking out clothes, getting all fixed up the way he likes all draw me back to my predicament. And there is a huge chasm between acceptance and embracing those inevitable things!

I will admit that part of me actually enjoys pondering my fate and fussing over it. Fortunately, I am with someone who gets that. Part of my posting this is somehow I feel like I should just be bubbly excited about the new level things move to instead of apprehensive. I think it speaks badly to my trust and reflects poorly on the relationship in general when that is not at all the case. Overanalyze much, do I? Nahhhhh!!!! LOL

lovingpet

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 6

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 9:16:19 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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We've gone through this a lot since the collar is less than 2 years old. There's been a ton of "new areas" that I've assumed control over. You're d-type has already done some of the right things in that he's given you plenty of warning so you have time to be prepared and the specific challenge he's setting you is fundamentally safe (while you may not be used to playing in public, he will be there and you are familiar with the club. Really, how far bad can it go?). In order to help mine process, I go down this path.

Remember that you are mine for a reason.
Is it true that you respect me and trust me -- not generically, but specifically as in, "You trust that decisions I make are good ones."
Is it true that in the past, we have challenged difficult areas and I have done so carefully and with love?
Then rest in the knowledge that again, I am going to challenge you carefully and with loving concern.

In the end, discipline is a habit like any other. I have noted over the last 2 years that her cycle time to accept "difficult" commands has gone way way down. Like most other things, practice makes perfect. In Carol's case, she is learning both that she is strong and can overcome the challenge and that I love her and won't set her challenges that are bad for her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 7

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 12:48:50 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

I'd handle this the same way i handle anything that i can no longer 'wiggle' out of, i accept the inevitable!!

I do too.

There's a certain comfort in knowing that it IS going to happen, no matter what; no more uncertainty and no more wondering. Usually, when this happens, he doesn't leave much time for the internal machinations, which I realise is rather kind of him.

agirl

(in reply to InTonguesslut)

Post #: 8

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 2:57:28 PM

KoolnSassy

Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
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It takes time, willingness and patience.

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If you don't know what you're doing, why do you think I know?

KoolnSassy

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 9

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 3:24:55 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I trust him and accept his decision and live with it.

I'm a pretty agreeable, easy to get along with person so any decision he makes I'm pretty much able to adapt and cope fairly easily.

(in reply to KoolnSassy)

Post #: 10

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 3:50:19 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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I communicate with him. And that means telling him that I don't know if I can handle it so he is forewarned that if things go badly as a result, it's his problem to deal with. Does your dominant know how deeply you dread this? Is he prepared for you to not be able to handle it? Is he prepared for you to lose trust in him if it goes very badly?

Because simply telling you it is going to happen doesn't mean it will go well.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 4:45:16 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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Well, I have a lot to respond to!

I will say there is a certain peace in just flat out knowing that something is going to be a certain way with unwavering decisiveness. I know what to expect more or less and I can rely upon it to determine how to proceed. When it is a difficult thing it is edged in anxiousness. It is more about not knowing about how I will respond than any issue trusting in my partner. I realize that is kind of the whole point, but it really does eat at me. It is definitely a matter of my focus being in the wrong place, but I don't really know how to change it at this point.

No, I've never been steered wrong before and have no reason to think it will happen now. This is something I have asked for, but that I also dread in the same breath. I trust. We communicate and he is prepared to handle the fallout as careful as he has handled everything else I have entrusted to him. Could it still end badly? I suppose it could. Will I really lay the fault upon him for that? No. It is clear I came into this with my own role in the outcome. I will be more disappointed in myself than him. All has been properly prepared for this. Now it is what we each bring to it.

I am trying hard to use the next few days to remind myself why I trust him and what his track record is with me. I want to remember and find solace in that. This is a big one for me. It is something he has handled many times before and I can't shock him or disappoint him. If he thought I wasn't ready, this would not be happening. I haven't managed to quiet the demons, but I hope to drown them out.

lovingpet

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 4:52:25 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

For me, if it's genuinely something I'm afraid of, being pushed with a deadline would be a bad approach to it. I usually let my partner know about the negative experience which led to the fear, and we discuss baby steps to approach it (or if we choose to just focus on other things). For public play, a few things that might help are requesting to be allowed to wear panties (at least a thong) during the scene, wearing something that makes you feel pretty/sexy/confident (at least when you arrive), requesting that you play in a slightly more secluded area of the playspace, at least to start, and perhaps starting out with something that helps put your focus very strongly on your partner, that you enjoy and doesn't leave enough mental "room" for self-consciousness to creep in.

Try not to focus on taking a lot compared to other people, or worrying about what other people think of your play/your body/etc. - you're there for your Dom, not for anyone else, so let him be your center.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/6/2009 4:54:38 PM >

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 13

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 5:26:57 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I am kind of intentionally leaving it a bit open ended, but I am talking about going from a position of having a say over something to not having the input anymore. I am not saying that there is a lack of communication. I am talking about something that both knew was going to happen at some point and the determination has been made that now is the time and that the necessary factors are in place for it to be taken out of the submissive's hands.

In my case, I do have a particular circumstance in mind. I have been assured that no amount of negotiating, dodging, or pleading on my part is going to get me out of playing publicly this coming weekend. It has a major fear aspect for me that we are both well aware of. I have had time to acclaimate to the club and the people there. I have built a great relationship with my partner. I communicate my fears and concerns which are handled with care and taken seriously. Still, when all is said and done, it has been taken from my hands and I know that this WILL happen. It is not the first of its kind and won't be the last.

I just want to improve my processing of these kinds of things. I am seeking insight along those lines. I would like to not be a basketcase every time this happens. I can feel the confines around me shrink quite regularly and, though it is what I want, I don't handle it well in the beginning. Maybe that makes more sense?

lovingpet

Ahhh ok... Well this is a little different... i am no where near ready for that so i have no clue ... i do hope it goes well for you, and its a positive thing.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 14

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 5:27:08 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

I use relaxation and meditation. When you are preparing, as in packing, etc. take 20 minutes to practice some relaxation techniques. Get in a comfy position. Let your thoughts go where they will, but breathe deeply and slowly. Pick a neutral word and silently repeat it to yourself with each breath. Set a timer so you don’t exceed 20 minutes. You will then start to associate a relaxed feeling with the activity that previously has caused you anxiety. When you get to the public play venue, remember deep slow breaths and silently repeat your mantra word.
I hope this helps—and you may even enjoy yourself!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 15

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 6:03:25 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for all this wonderful advise and it really is helping to talk it through a bit. Thanks to all who have expressed well wishes too! I think I speak for both of us when I say thank you to one and all. It is a long way to Saturday night, so please continue to keep me company.

Some people remember similar postings from me before. It is still a sticking point, what can I say? I am doing my best to be ready and do well. Thanks again!

lovingpet

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 16

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/6/2009 11:20:41 PM

whimzgirl

Posts: 21
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

I don't really have any good advice for you since I'm such a new slave myself. I can, however, empathize with you. I have a difficult situation coming up tomorrow myself. My Master has let me know that what He wants will happen and I have a strange sense of calm about knowing what is expected and that I won't be able to talk my way out of it. I know deep in my heart that this encounter will only serve to make me a better slave and a better person overall. I need to be pushed outside my comfort zone. I heard this saying once that comes to mind -- not too sure it fits exactly but it works for me -- Ships at port are safe but that is not what ships are made for.

In my own situation I could safely sit in my little box but that would not be best for me nor would it please My Master. The pleasure I will bring Him by doing what He requests of me tomorrow will far outweigh any personal worries I have about it. I know I will be kept safe and that if He notices that things are going really wrong, He will stop everything and make sure I'm taken care of. I'm sure yours will do the same.

Best of luck to you and just try to breathe -- that's the important part I always forget to do in situations that are difficult for me.

Hugs,

gabby

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 17

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/7/2009 3:58:31 AM

subdevra

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline

first comes acceptance. then comes embracing. with time as one is more sure of the relationship and knowing that one's Master has the best intents it gets easier. and then there are the times when no matter what, it is not easier and then one must just accept what is. and when all else fails there is always the serenity prayer.

devra

(in reply to whimzgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/7/2009 4:00:23 AM

Zechriel

Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Good morning!
Wel, this kinda happened to me but in my case, my whole relationship turned itno no wiggle room.I love my Daddy and there was no way I could walk. So I gave up all my limits. Scared me to death until InTongueSlut posted somewhere, "I have no limits,My Master does. I take on his limits." Which calmed me down and I repeat over to myself, as Daddy said to do and agrees with. I used to have tons of wiggle room...I was a brat at times, wanting to know "why?" "Cause I said so." and hesitating so that a million things went thru my head, "Uh-oh baby's thinking again!" Now it's gone and I'm left so confused at times. Being managed is what I wanted, it makes me feel loved and cherished, BUT it is so far out of my comfort zone that it is going to take me a while to get used to it.

Sounds like tons of great advice here and you are going to do just fine in the meantime and afterwards. I would love to give you a huge hug and hold your hand and say, "Boy, these Masters have the patience of Job to take us on huh?" lol Let us know how things go. And just take baby steps if you have to. Remember what he has done for you and ways he shows you he cares. Heck for now I am carrying my collar in my purse, I just need that constant reassurance right now. I wear his earrings he bought me to bed. Things like that.

To Leadership, I say thank you. That makes me understand even more. Such wonderful advice!!
Love,
Zechriel

_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

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Post #: 19

RE: Losing the Wiggle - 5/7/2009 5:34:18 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Everyone is being so great! It is good to know there are folks willing to shore us up in times of uncertainty. Whimzgirl, don't feel that you need to be shy due to inexperience. Your words were wise and I really did appreciate them. I know the road to learning to trust comes over time and in some ways it gets easier and easier. There are still going to be the few big things that trip us up occassionally.

Zechriel, I feel for you girl! I have more or less been down that road too and it is a trial by fire to say the very least. I did something last night that calmed me a great deal. I thought I was silly at the time I wrote it because I insisted on capturing every single detail I could manage to remember, but it was a wonderful reminder now. I was in a tizzy like this, even worse, the first time we met. I was convinced that when the time came I wouldn't go through with meeting him. I went. Then I was just sure I would never go through with playing for the first time despite having things set up to where there was really no risk whatsoever. That would have been a mistake that I could have never known how hard to kick myself for. I read how gently he handled me, calmed my fears, and brought me to the place I needed to be. It allowed me to revisit with such clarity and remember why I trust him the way I do and what he has done in the past. It is very evident and I can read that in times of extra heavy distress and know it is going to be okay. To be honest, I had forgotten all about writing this and I am glad I happened by it when I did.

Thanks again! I am hanging in there best I can til Saturday!

lovingpet

(in reply to Zechriel)

Post #: 20

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