A domme that is out of reach? (Full Version)

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darkstarTN -> A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 6:54:20 PM)

           I guess my question is how do you pick up the pieces and move on? I recently attracted the attention of a genuine dominant woman on here (which I will keep private).  Very polite lady but sometimes you just get this feeling that a domme is kind of.....out of your league? I know that sounds childish but since lacking alot of r/t experience, you get that feeling when you message dommes that post in their profile that they are seeking a personal posession. This thought is not very organized so I apologize. I wanted to throw this out there and see what kind of suggestions come out.

thank you



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:05:48 PM)

What are you asking here?  How does one move on from a broken relationship?  How to move on after one is rejected for a relationship?



darkstarTN -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:13:42 PM)

I guess a better question is how does a sub approach an experienced domme?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:18:37 PM)

The same way you would approach any woman, I imagine.  Lots of threads on this topic!  Just because a dominant is experienced doesn't mean that she is not interested in those that are new.  I have my phases where I am interested in new folks.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:20:50 PM)

So you don't feel worthy of her? Let her be the judge of that.

Project a positive attitude, but tell her of your insecurity around this issue. Be honest.



Lashra -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:22:09 PM)

Be polite, be honest, be a gentleman. Those usually work.  Tell her about your inexperience and perhaps she will be willing to help you with that because most of us want to train our sub/slaves to do things our individual way.

Inexperience is not a bad thing at all.

~Lashra




littlesarbonn -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:23:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkstarTN

I guess a better question is how does a sub approach an experienced domme?


Be honest about yourself and with yourself and remember the dominant is a person, not an attainable or unattainable goal. I made a mistake years ago when I was once owned by a very sought after professional dominant. For the few years I was with her, I kept asking myself over and over, why me? Why would she choose me when she could have any other guy? After awhile, I think I asked myself that question so many times that I managed to convince myself that she could do better, fell into a really bad self-defeating vibe and eventually lost her. And it was all my fault because I didn't realize that sometimes you have to be thankful that the gods and goddesses chose to make something happen.

Your first question to yourself should be whether or not you think you could be a good match for that dominant you're seeking. If so, contact her and see what happens. If not, then don't. But avoid being one of those people that casts out a net so large that he hopes that he'll catch anyone and then suddenly become real. That's a sure way to piss off pretty much everybody.

Your question is kind of funny for me today because nowadays I tend to ONLY contact experience dominants because I know that she's at least had some experience dealing with people, so I don't have to deal with someone who is just trying to figure it out (like the one who decided she wanted to be dominant one day, submissive the next, a switch after that, and then a nun). As an experienced submissive, I have that to offer to a potential partner, so when I make contact, it makes it that much easier. So, to answer your original question, I'd say that the best way to contact an experience dominant is to do your homework before you make contact to make sure you're a match, and then make contact. But don't do too much homework like I did once where I practically freaked out the woman when I contacted her and she discovered I knew where she graduated, what she studied, and that I boned up on the subject so I could communicate well with her on the subject. Sometimes, you can go too far.



darkstarTN -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 7:36:38 PM)

I appreciate everyones' feedback. littlesarbonn made a great point.

I only contact maybe a couple and I do it with the intention of being good enough. Good enough now, maybe not, but I know that with hard work, dedication, commitment that I can be good enough.



slaveluci -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 10:25:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkstarTN
I only contact maybe a couple and I do it with the intention of being good enough. Good enough now, maybe not, but I know that with hard work, dedication, commitment that I can be good enough.

In two short sentences, you said "good enough" three times. "Good enough" for what? "Good enough" to approach some paragon of experience?[8|] You're "good enough" to approach, speak with, engage or whathaveyou anyone, regardless of their "experience" at anything. If they like you, fine, if not, so be it. If they truly believe you aren't "good enough" to converse with them simply because you're just starting out, I'd say they must have a bit of amnesia about where they themselves once started. I doubt any domme, no matter how experienced she thinks she is, was born holding a whip[:D].

You're "good enough," you're smart enough and....doggone it....people oughtta like you[8D].............luci



LadyPact -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 10:30:06 PM)

Of course, there are Dommes out there who many males subs are too intimidated by to approach.



GYPZYQUEEN -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 10:44:57 PM)

YOUR profile says  "12 years experience" and that you have
"studied and learned  from some the best"
and in your post you say you lack r/t experience..
 
Could this be causing problems in interactions in any way..??
or feelings you have about yourself...??

AS a human being you are worthy and good enough..always!

As a sub you become "good enough" by listening and  learning
WITH a DOMME you click with..
you enter the Ds realtionship  to become moulded
therfore are made "good enough" for them BY THEM..as
in trained by them..for  service

it is always plenty good enough to LISTEN...be WILLING
and GROW..to SURRENDER

GQ



Lockit -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/6/2009 10:55:26 PM)

I was discussing a bit of this with a submissive tonight.  It isn't my first time having this same conversation, you would think I would get better at it, but I don't.  I get more impatient with it because it is like I am fighting the same battle just with different warriors.  It isn't my battle and yet I am walking it with someone and if they cannot see their way through the battle, they neither win or lose completely.  They are just stuck in the same place.  If they stay stuck, eventually they will do more harm to themselves.

When one is coming from an insecure or fear base, their self talk is defeating them.  They will project what will happen, what others are thinking or feeling and will be waiting for the bomb to explode.  They will see the negative of anything that could hurt them and they use this fear to protect themselves.  They tell themselves they are not worthy in some way or not good enough or faulty.  They will justify the fear base somehow and make it seem reasonable.  They cannot see the good that could happen without seeing the minefields.  Then of course they will go into overdrive and think on it all far too much.  Pretty soon if they haven't run away they just may be pushed away because it is difficult to combat a fear based anything that doesn't progress out of the fear long enough to fully experience a person or a moment in life.

In many situations, one needs to ask themselves... what is the worst that can happen?  I mean really... how bad can it really be?  If one can find a huge painful crisis in simply trying to talk to someone and get to know them... they are not ready for a relationship because that is too much negative thinking and not enough good self talk.  It can come from hurt and can be justified because they have been hurt before, so therefore it can happen.  That's a really bad direction to go in.

Start with your self talk.  If it is negative, shut it out.  We all need to use caution but if most of your self talk about something is negative... you are going to be too cautious and are not looking at the full living experience and joys found there.  So shut it out for a time.  Don't allow yourself to think negative for a few days.  Learn to stop it and replace it with something good.  For example... I have a bald spot on the top of my head.. no one likes a bald guy.  Bullshit... okay... I might have a bald spot, but I still have hair around my ears and some wonderful dominant woman will love pulling on my hair!  Every negative you think... think a postive and make it realistic so you will be able to come to believe it!

Don't be afraid to live life and don't think for someone else by projecting what they want, need, expect or will think, feel or say.  You are not seeing that person... but some figment of your imagination that came from a basis of fear. 

Lastly... it isn't your job to determine what kind of man, submissive or relationship we want.  So stop it.  Let us speak for ourselves.

God, I hope this made sense.. I am so tired! 





LadyHibiscus -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 8:27:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Of course, there are Dommes out there who many males subs are too intimidated by to approach.


If a sub is too intimidated to approach me, then he has saved me some screening time!  It takes serious cojones to serve me, and if my PROFILE is scary, the real thing would be intolerable.



LadyPact -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 8:35:19 AM)

LH, My comment on the matter actually had nothing to do with profiles and it's something that I'm sure you've experienced from time to time.  Being known in the community has it's advantages, as well as it's drawbacks.  



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 8:41:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

LH, My comment on the matter actually had nothing to do with profiles and it's something that I'm sure you've experienced from time to time.  Being known in the community has it's advantages, as well as it's drawbacks.  


It's very true!  Though it boggles me, because I am sure you have the same rep of being friendly and approachable as I do...

My other comment stands, though---they have NO idea about the skeeery!

Oh, and why are you at the computer, anyway?  [8D]    (parade wave to MrP!)



PeonForHer -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 10:03:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Of course, there are Dommes out there who many males subs are too intimidated by to approach.


In my experience, quite a few of those who look intimidating at the start can turn out to be some of the most human and likeable.



LadyConstanze -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 10:16:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Of course, there are Dommes out there who many males subs are too intimidated by to approach.


In my experience, quite a few of those who look intimidating at the start can turn out to be some of the most human and likeable.


Have you been flirting with Grebo again?



Venatrix -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 10:31:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

***
They cannot see the good that could happen without seeing the minefields.  Then of course they will go into overdrive and think on it all far too much.  Pretty soon if they haven't run away they just may be pushed away because it is difficult to combat a fear based anything that doesn't progress out of the fear long enough to fully experience a person or a moment in life.

***

God, I hope this made sense.. I am so tired! 



You made perfect sense.  I said much the same thing to someone recently.  The irony is, by focussing on fears so much, one causes them to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. 



ShaktiSama -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 12:04:29 PM)

Fast reply to the OP:

As a sub without a great deal of rt experience, your challenge is not necessarily to find a domme who is in the bush league.  You might be better off with a domme who has the patience and strength of character necessary to train you and help you learn--to explore your desires and fantasies, to see which of these "work" in practice and which turn out to be "hot thoughts and not-so-hot realities", etc..  A lot of the dommes who have the confidence, patience and strength of will to do this will be those who are more experienced, and have been doing this for some time.

If a domme doesn't have the ability to deal with an inexperienced partner, this doesn't mean she is "out of your league" per se.  If anything, it's actually the inexperienced dommes who benefit the most from very experienced submissives/bottoms--I find that D/S relationships can be similar to horseback riding in this respect.  It's the best and most experienced horsewomen who can break and ride the inexperienced mount; newbie riders are better off with a steadier, more experienced horse.  Similarly, it might just be that a newbie submissive is better off not having to deal with a newbie domme, who may be apt to lose her patience and her temper because her submissive is skittish or shy. 

I have no idea what to make of the end of your post, with the line about "seeking a personal possession".  You're quite right that many dommes are looking for a committed submissive/slave, not a fling with some random male stranger.  If what you mean when you say "out of your league" is "the domme is serious about a D/S relationship and I am not", there's nothing I can say to help you.  The western world is jam-packed with men who are whining and crying that women don't want to have no-strings sex with them.  I'm afraid anyone in that position is going to have to get in line behind the other billion guys...





thetammyjo -> RE: A domme that is out of reach? (5/7/2009 1:38:00 PM)

Well, what does this more experienced dom offer?

Does she like newer people or more experienced? Is she interested in online or only meatlife interactions.

You can't really answer those questions unless her profile or journal says or you get to know her.

I don't think there is really a "out of someone's league" thing so much as a "not compatible" thing.



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