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A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 3:26:34 PM

Sunbunneee

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Perhaps this has been posted, perhaps not.....

i am an slave/sub who has recently found this wonderful side of myself. However, due to circumstances in my life, i find trust and just letting go to be a very hard thing.

i have a Sir that tells me if i behave all will follow. At this moment, i do not feel my needs are being met, in anyway.

How can i behave if there is no sign of the fact that my needs can be met? Why should i bother? i may be that slave/sub, but i still know my needs. How do i begin to feel that i have met his, but he has and never does meet mine? Am i in a wrong situation?

Any advice for this newbie would be greatly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 3:33:41 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

You need to find someone who also cares about you. When you do all of your needs will be met. He will take the time to earn your trust.

In my opinion your behaving has nothing to do with him earning your trust so you can let go.

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 2

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 3:36:33 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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Having needs is acceptable and human. Being with a partner that has no interest in making sure those needs are met is just plain crazy and leads to misery.

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- de Sade

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 3

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 3:45:57 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I think a submissive follows much better when they see a caring and responsible adult who considers all their needs. To ignore them... all the time... that isn't a loving dominant as far as I am concerned. Even if you are struggling with submission on some level, behaving isn't just the answer and all else will follow.

If you behaved just like he wants you to... do you think you would be fulfilled and happy? A dominant has a bit of work to do too and if he isn't paying attention to you now... even well behaved, I doubt he would appreciate it so much he would all of a sudden change and consider you.

Sometimes it boils down to... is the dominant worth all you are giving?

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(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 4

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 4:03:50 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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This is not a D/s issue as much as it is a relationship issue. Your needs are not being met which, in my mind, means there is an incompatibility issue with you and your partner.

Trust may develop in time in a good relationship....it takes alot of work sometimes and it sounds like a wasted effort in the relationship you are in now.

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 5

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 4:36:36 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

i have a Sir that tells me if i behave all will follow. At this moment, i do not feel my needs are being met, in anyway.

Has he defined what he means by ‘behave’? Does he ‘behave’?
If you are that unhappy and unfulfilled I don’t see any point in sticking around for ‘maybes’.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 6

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 4:57:12 PM

LadySweetOrSour

Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline

I with Holly. Trust and compatibility are issues with many people in ANY relationship. That's not a D/s thing.

On the other hand, we've only got your take on this, and this sounds all fairly new to you. You may/may not have found the right sir. How is your behaviour with him? Are you being demanding, because the one thing guaranteed to make me NOT play nicely with a sub is him being a "do me" type. I'll give you what I choose to give you in my own good time, not in your own good time. Are you thinking this should all be play and little else? That it should be all sweetness and light and love? What "needs" aren't being met? Are you meeting his needs?

If you have no deep spark with this person, then it sounds more like you might have been just so eager to have a sir that you took the one most available. This happens with a lot of people just getting into this lifestyle. They are so eager to belong, explore, be understood, that they will agree to lots of things they didn't really think through.

A man who just tells you to be good isn't really listening to you. It sounds a bit more like someone telling an um to go to their room and stop bugging them. This, like any other relationship issue, needs to be talked about opening, with both sides listening and responding. Some relationships work that way, and the participants are happy to let one partner make all decisions and follow all instructions. We all have different preferences in that. It doesn't sound like you want that kind of relationship though.

Talk, write, sing it if necessary, and if he refuses to listen, perhaps you need to search further for one who does understand that you need input. And don't be too eager to get into a D/s relationship with a man just because it's better than being alone. The right one for you is out there.

Good luck!!

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 7

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 5:05:08 PM

BalletBob

Posts: 1645
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

You are not wrong. Just because your a Sub/Slave, doesn't mean you don't have needs and wants to. It is a mutual relationship, with sharing the pleasure, and fun. If not, get someone else who can. If your not happy, how can you make anyone else happy?

Wish you luck, sub BalletBob

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 8

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 5:13:26 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Speaking as a dominant, I'd be the first to say that I have abdicated my role as my wife's master if I was failing to meet her needs. And really, who the hell cares? If you're in a relationship that is not meeting your needs, who the hell cares if it's a vanilla relationship, a BDSM relationship, or a martian one? It's not working.

Oh, and the whole.... "if you trust all will follow" thing. Trust doesn't work that way. How it works is the trustee delivers trustworthy performance and then based upon that experience the truster trusts some more... rinse/repeat. Trust in the absence of evidence isn't trust, it's faith and best reserved for dieties, not humans.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 9

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 5:19:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Tell him that since he shows no interest in meeting your needs, you cannot trust him. Because that's the truth. The only thing you can trust him to do is what he is now doing, being totally selfish, totally uncaring, and not willing to extend himself at all to make sure you are happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

Apparently he wants a robot who takes care of him and is happy in the corner turned off the rest of the time. You aren't that and aren't ever going to be. Move on and do a better job picking potential partners in the future.

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 10

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 5:25:07 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

You might get more specific advice if we knew more about what's not happening.

A D/s relationship really, really needs excellent communication on both sides. Both partners have needs that must be met, and limits that must be respected.

It sounds to me as if you need to have a respectful discussion with your man and explain to him, candidly, that you are unhappy, and that needs of yours are not being met. Have you expressed to him exactly what you feel you need but aren't getting?

"Dominant" isn't synonymous with "callous and uncaring". A good dom/me cares very much, and is working to give their submissive what the sub needs. And, of course, there's a difference between "need" and "want". I need nourishment, but I want chocolate covered strawberries. I need to give myself in submission to my Lady, but I want a nice flogging. I may not always get what I want, all the time, but my Lady always gives me what I need, and she treats me with what I want as she sees fit.

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 11

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/7/2009 5:37:05 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I think it was my formative Mistress in Warsaw who made me aware of the concept of submission and domination in that both cater for the needs of both parties and the relationship, which means that the Dominant is able to fulfill the submissive's needs as well as their own just as the submissive does the same from the opposite end of the dynamic.

However that saying any dominant-submissive dynamic is a relationship and like any other relationship (including a vanilla relationship) a relationship only really exists when the needs of both in the relationship are met by each other. It all relies on the same thing - human interaction.

Being told 'if you behave' isn't so much domination as manipulation. Don't fall for the equivalent of the 'gift of submission' line which some Dominants have in their mindset 'it's all about me' because it isn't.

A D/s relationship is just like any other, it exists when two people need each other and have their needs met by one another.

And irrespective of whether you're a submissive or slave there's never really a reason to sell yourself short.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 3:38:28 AM

Zechriel

Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Good morning!
I think that anyone can behave and all will follow-it is called having a boss cause they tell us what to do and we do it. However, along that analogy, the results do not always make us feel warm and fuzzy. If it is not a play partner, find someone you can adore, take your time and not rush into anything. Many make the mistake of being collared to the first Dom that opens up those hidden desires that have been trapped for so long...yeah I did too! In the end, I ended up hurt in every way possible. Being under consideration is nice after you have clicked with someone. But you have to find out generally what type of relationship you want and test the field from there.
With Daddy, I went from spoiled baby girl/brat for a year to stricter, but still kind Master. Before he could be both but now I am just not allowed any bratiness or such anymore. But I adore him and love him. And I HAD to serve someone who I could respect and be devoted to. Someone just one-on-one. I could not be with someone who had others, just wanted to play, or acted like a butthead. If it is not working for you, part ways amicably and look somewhere else. Try not to burn bridges though, unless you are really ugly. Word of mouth goes far in this field, in my opinion. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

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Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 13

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 3:51:16 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunbunneee

Perhaps this has been posted, perhaps not.....

i am an slave/sub who has recently found this wonderful side of myself. However, due to circumstances in my life, i find trust and just letting go to be a very hard thing.

i have a Sir that tells me if i behave all will follow. At this moment, i do not feel my needs are being met, in anyway.

How can i behave if there is no sign of the fact that my needs can be met? Why should i bother? i may be that slave/sub, but i still know my needs. How do i begin to feel that i have met his, but he has and never does meet mine? Am i in a wrong situation?

Any advice for this newbie would be greatly appreciated.

We all have needs and expectations of those we'd share a relationship with. You give something to get something and since a Master without a slave amounts to just a lonely fella, then even a "lowly" slave has worth equal to a complementing Master's.

I don't think you're so much in a "wrong situation" as you are with the wrong partner for you.

Have you even met him real life because this has the feel of one of those online "Masters" who are all rhetoric and unrealistic expectations...? They specialise in messing with the minds of the inexperienced and naive who aren't equipped to see them for the chest beating time-wasters they are.

And welcome to the Forums. :-)

Focus.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 14

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 5:14:43 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I would run very fast from someone who put conditions on being supportive in a relationship.

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 15

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 6:10:49 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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That bit about "if you behave" could be taken two ways. One is that if you please him, he'll try to please you. If not, not. That's bullshit. Either he's in or he's out.

The second interpretation is that submitting to him is all you need to do for your fulfillment. From your post, I suspect that's not the case.

You need to tell him what needs are not being filled, and the two of you have an honest discussion about ways, that he is willing to do, that could work for you. There's a huge difference between a specific problem-solving discussion, and a vague "I'm not happy" complaint.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 16

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 6:19:26 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Why should you be obedient to someone who is not addressing your needs in any way? Sounds like he's a selfish jerk- not a good fit for you. I'd leave it. You only have one life. He doesn't care about you.

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 17

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 6:26:36 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunbunneee

Perhaps this has been posted, perhaps not.....

i am an slave/sub who has recently found this wonderful side of myself. However, due to circumstances in my life, i find trust and just letting go to be a very hard thing.

i have a Sir that tells me if i behave all will follow. At this moment, i do not feel my needs are being met, in anyway.

How can i behave if there is no sign of the fact that my needs can be met? Why should i bother? i may be that slave/sub, but i still know my needs. How do i begin to feel that i have met his, but he has and never does meet mine? Am i in a wrong situation?

Any advice for this newbie would be greatly appreciated.

You are in a situation where you say your needs are not being met then you ask if your in the wrong situation. I guess if you enjoy not having your needs met, then your in a great situation, other wise it's wrong. Now it is up to you to decide if you want to continue like this or go find some one who can meet your needs.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 18

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 6:29:21 AM

givemyall

Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Think of him as a shop, you have gone in there, looked at what they have to offer you, maybe messed about with the merchandise, found out it's not what you really wanted, remembered that there is a load of other shops that you haven't tried yet and they just might have what you want. Close the door on the way out!

Good luck in your choice
x

(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 19

RE: A confusing question for me - 5/8/2009 8:41:15 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

i have a Sir that tells me if i behave all will follow. At this moment, i do not feel my needs are being met, in anyway.

Have you discussed your needs with him? If not then he cannot fulfill what he doesn't know about.
If so did he agree to meet them? If he did and he's not then you need to decide whether to put up and shut up or walk. If he didn't then either you accept your needs are going to be met or you don't.
Noone HAS to meet your needs just because you have them. Finding someone who is willing to meet them is the key.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Sunbunneee)

Post #: 20

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