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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/9/2009 6:42:29 PM

kiwisub12

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Maybe the OP could point out that the sub is topping from the bottom by insisting that the dom should be able to read his sub, and not need a safeword. If he wants her to have a safe word, and she refuses it, then she isn't being submissive to his desires. A "true" sub would say thank you master, love you master, great safeword master", but then, maybe their relationship doesn't require a safeword.

Really, in the end, safeword or no safeword, the dynamics of any relationship are up to the participants. You can express your feelings about any given situation, but then if they aren't willing to take your advice, then you have no other recourse. Sorry.

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/9/2009 10:30:19 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

I at the moment am having a relationship and if i feel they are playing unsafely, irresponsibly and naively where does that leave us? Noone here has to agree with my view to make it valid for me and for me to wonder what the hell to do.

Unless you are in a relationship with him or her, then it means you are in the same position with as any person with a friend in a relationship that concerns them. The position of: Look to see if they are happy overall and, if they are, butt out of their relationship till you are asked for help. I have had friends who were deeply concerned over what Val and I do but it's my relationship, not theirs.

Now, if you are involved in their relationship or you have been asked for help in solving a problem they feel they have, then I would focus on what seems to be underlying trust issue and perhaps suggest mediation with a non-involved party (not you). Otherwise, you really are just meddling and that is going to destroy your relationship with your friend in the long-run.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/9/2009 10:31:39 PM >

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/9/2009 10:46:16 PM

DavanKael

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This reminded me of a thread awhile ago and I can't recall the title or I'd post it. One of the respondents (Who I hope happens along this threads and responds) had a really interesting perspective on safe words that I hadn't considered exactly in that fashion previously:
His contention was that if a sadist was given a safe word, they might go further than they'd go without one because the safeword would be the stopping point rather than their read of the person and their perception of safety. I thought it a really interesting point.
Imo, if people want a safe word, groovy, have one. If they don't, also groovy. If a person is hell-bent on hurting someone, a safeword isn't going to matter one bit. If people are well in-tune, a safe word isn't going to matter one bit. That's the bottom line: how safety is achieved given that behaviors involving consensual risk are being undertaken.
Davan

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/10/2009 6:12:30 AM

LovingMistress45

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

I have to wonder sometimes about what i read here. So many miss the point of the thread and ramble about inconsequential stuff. This thread was never about whether she had a safe word or not. Its about the reasoning behind not having a safe word.

Reason 1. Sir will go hell for leather and thrash her if she has one.
Now i obviously know sir and he would not, he would carry on the training he has begun. Lack of trust in him or what?

Reason 2. You don't need a safe word if you don't play hard. Huh? Does that mean damage at a low level can not occur?

Reason 3. It means he won't bother to monitor / watch her during the play. Since when?

The reasons for her not wanting one bother me not the fact she will or won't have one.

I at the moment am having a relationship and if i feel they are playing unsafely, irresponsibly and naively where does that leave us? Noone here has to agree with my view to make it valid for me and for me to wonder what the hell to do.

PolyAna,

I agree her reasons for not wanting a Safeword indicate to me there is a problem. The fact is if he really wants her to have a safe word, then he could refuse to play with her.

Your statement on another post about his admitting he could lose control also concerns me. As a dominant I have never lost control and never will. Control is at the essence of my being and what I do. Her having a safeword will not make him have control if he doesn't.

Your statement that you feel they are playing unsafe and it effects you as you are part of the relationship, is true. Now, my question is why is it safe for you with him, but not her? I am not clear on this as you have said you don't have a safeword but your reasons are different (though you didn't say what they are), so that indicates to me he is able to maintain control with you. So, why do you fear for her? I guess I would more understand your fear for her if she was not in a triad with you, since it seems to me that you are indicating you trust him with you.

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/10/2009 7:22:41 AM

Lynnxz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyAna

During a discussion with a friend about safe words she said several things which alarmed me. She states that she does not need a safe word because shes not enough of a pain slut to need one, she's not even a masso.
She thinks that her Sir should accept all the responsibility and know when to stop play by reading her. She cannot comprehend that it is a joint responsibility and that by having a safe word which her sir wishes her to have, it is just that extra bit of safety. The relationship is quite new, they have only played together about three or four times.
She feels that by accepting use of a safe word she is giving her Sir free licence to 'thrash' her and not build up her pain slut training slowly. She is assuming he will ignore the knowledge of her pain limits at present and just go hell for leather.
She also feels that if she accepts having a safe word it automatically equates to her Sir not bothering to monitor her or learn to read her etc.

Now personally i'm not a safe word girl but not for any of the reasons above. I find the reasons above kind of worrying.

Any thoughts?

It is not your relationship. I'm not seeing where it is any of your concern in the first place.

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/10/2009 9:15:08 AM

DesFIP

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Since the op has since clarified that the 'friend' is actually a new addition to her relationship I'm wondering if there isn't more than a little insecurity here. Otherwise why would the op be so determined to lay down the rules for the new sub and the dom?

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RE: Concern for a friend - 5/10/2009 10:20:05 AM

susie

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When I first met Master I was totally new to bdsm. I had read all about safewords and how important they are. When we were discussing how things were going to work on our first meet I asked him about safewords. He said he did not use them. He is of the same feeling as an earlier poster that playing with a safeword allows the Dom to rush in full throttle as he knows that when it gets too much the sub will safeword.

He once played with someone and as it was a casual session they set a safeword. When she safeworded he stopped everything. She then complained that he had gone way too far and she wanted him to stop earlier. He had no idea as he was waiting for her to safeword.

Safewords are only as good as the people that use them, both Dom and sub. If you feel comfortable enough with someone and don't want to use them fine. If you think you need one in your relationship fine. Your friend knows her relationship. You have told her your view now leave her live her life as she wants.

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Post #: 47