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slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 5:52:49 PM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
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Ok, umm, where to start, well I won't say I'm new, because I've been here for quite some time, mainly because I spent a long time learning who I was before I started looking. I made my opinions, and have well thought out answers and reasons for my decisions. However, I find when talking to a potential dom, its good at first, great sometimes even, they say they are impressed with me, but that they dont want to collar me anymore because they find themselves feeling useless because they dont see anything to improve in me that I am not allready working on improving.
So, my question is, I suppose, does this happen to you? Do you ever feel useless, like theres nothing more you can improve upon? If so, what do you do then? And what can I do because it is really conflicting to be told
I'd make a good slave/sub and then to be turned away.

< Message edited by daisymae03 -- 5/8/2009 5:53:25 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 5:55:51 PM

AngelGeena

Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline

hmmm...thats a tough one, i'm so far from perfect i've been known to drive a Dom to drink.

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Post #: 2

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 6:02:17 PM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

I'm not claiming to be perfect, I know I'm far from it.
It just seems that I don't know what it seems like I guess. I mean do the D's here want someone that they train and teach from the beginning, or are there really some out here that want someone that took the time to learn who she is and what she has to offer before they started looking?

I also feel I should mention that I've not been owned.

(in reply to AngelGeena)

Post #: 3

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 6:04:34 PM

GeekFreak

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

You just need to find a man with a different personality...or one seeking something different in a submissive.

I think you can either find one who likes that you don't have many things to improve upon, and is desiring that in a mate. Or, if not, you will find someone who is more critical (not necessarily a bad thing) than the others. I can't imagine every human doesn't have many many things to improve upon. As well, each dominant is very specific, so even learning how to best serve them should take quite a deal of so called "training".

*shrugs* Seems those guys are just being polite, or aren't nearly creative enough. :P

(in reply to AngelGeena)

Post #: 4

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 6:04:44 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Try shifting the focus away from you towards a more balanced focus of two people - because when all is said and done that is really what a relationship is all about. Learning how not to be a perfectionist would be a good start.

I can't really offer much more than this, I'm sorry, as I find it hard to understand how you can work at developing a relationship with someone and not gain anything from it.

If you want someone in your life, then you have to give them the space and opportunities to become a part of your life. If there's no space or opportunities for someone to come into your life, to me it's perfectly understandable why dominants choose to move on.

Rather than having a focus on improving, and living in the future, how about simply being, and living in the present?

Wouldn't that be better?

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(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 5

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 6:09:59 PM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
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yes, being is good too, and I try to just be, and I try to learn how best to please them, (and yes I tend to be a perfectionist of myself sometimes)

But, when they cut the relationship off, its hard to learn how to please them.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 6

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 7:10:11 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03

...So, my question is, I suppose, does this happen to you? Do you ever feel useless, like theres nothing more you can improve upon?

No. But, I don't really get the whole training paradigm, really.

My thing is more like just two people with similar interests getting together to see how they can explore those interests.

Not really much as far as training goes, per se. Just trying to figure out ways to make those interests manifest.

I'm not down on the training paradigm; it's just mysterious to me.

I like some protocol, but I don't get very elaborate with it, and it is personalized - just stuff that I like. I haven't been drawn to having a more formal kind of relationship. It could be interesting.

But again; it would require someone coming to me with that interest already present. I would just help give it shape. Whatever 'training' I provided while doing that would be more or less incidental, I would think.

_____________________________

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- - - - - - -
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~*~*~*~*
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(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 7

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 7:15:22 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

hi daisy

for a few, training means a strict schedule, i suppose. to me, training means learning how we are, how he likes things, how i like and respond... ending with the incorportation of two different personalities coming together to some harmonius ending... lol... sorta the happy ever after of a kinky lifestyle.

its said to find what you seek, you have to stop "looking" and just "relax"

good luck to you

_____________________________

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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 8

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 8:54:53 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03

Ok, umm, where to start, well I won't say I'm new, because I've been here for quite some time, mainly because I spent a long time learning who I was before I started looking. I made my opinions, and have well thought out answers and reasons for my decisions. However, I find when talking to a potential dom, its good at first, great sometimes even, they say they are impressed with me, but that they dont want to collar me anymore because they find themselves feeling useless because they dont see anything to improve in me that I am not allready working on improving.
So, my question is, I suppose, does this happen to you? Do you ever feel useless, like theres nothing more you can improve upon? If so, what do you do then? And what can I do because it is really conflicting to be told
I'd make a good slave/sub and then to be turned away.

I got with my slave because we fit together well. Our needs match up well. My goals aren't about improving him. If other doms are into that, fine. Its just not my kink.

So maybe you need to find a dom who isn't driven to improve his slave.

Or maybe you're putting off doms whether or not they have that kink, by your "My Shit Is Sooo Together" attitude.

Maybe you're coming off as this tower of intimidating, impenetrable strength, when really you're afraid to let them see the vulnerable, imperfect you. Maybe you hide away behind a facade of impressive confidence, because you are afraid to let anyone get really close to you.

And maybe those doms are letting you down easy by saying they want someone who needs work, instead of saying they want someone else who needs work.

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(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 9

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 9:14:04 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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daisymae, there's a lot about your post that confuses me.

1. If a woman pleases me, then she pleases me. If I can't improve her, so what? I can still enjoy her. I wonder if you're being given a line.

2. How early are you discussing collaring with a Dom? If it's early, then it's like discussing how many children you want thirty minutes into your first date.

Are you the one bringing up the collar thing? If so, you may be scaring off prospective Doms. Maybe they only want to play...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 10

RE: slightly confused? - 5/8/2009 11:19:21 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03

Ok, umm, where to start, well I won't say I'm new, because I've been here for quite some time, mainly because I spent a long time learning who I was before I started looking. I made my opinions, and have well thought out answers and reasons for my decisions. However, I find when talking to a potential dom, its good at first, great sometimes even, they say they are impressed with me, but that they dont want to collar me anymore because they find themselves feeling useless because they dont see anything to improve in me that I am not allready working on improving.
So, my question is, I suppose, does this happen to you? Do you ever feel useless, like theres nothing more you can improve upon? If so, what do you do then? And what can I do because it is really conflicting to be told
I'd make a good slave/sub and then to be turned away.

I understand concepts like "the thrill of the hunt" and "It's not the destination: It's the journey." But only a fool turns down life in paradise. Do you really want to spend years with someone who will get bored when there's nothing left to fix?

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 11

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 12:40:54 AM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

ok, just to clear a few things up, im not trying to come off as perfect, i was using his words there, not mine. I know im a far cry from perfect, which is why this is bothering me, and i came her for advice, not to be torn apart.

And it wasnt me bringing up collaring, he was. I had in fact said, that if I took a year to learn who I am, I'm not going to take the first collar offered to me with in a week.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 12

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 12:46:59 AM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

one more thing, for the record. I wasnt trying to say I wanted this particular dom back, but was askign if others felt like they wanted to improve there slave/sub and when there wasn't much to be improved on (AGAIN his words, NOT mine) if they wanted to move on.
As for having my life and priorities in order well I do. and I'm not going to be ashamed that I have my shit together and can take care of myself. after all I'm not here looking for a babysitter.

< Message edited by daisymae03 -- 5/9/2009 12:48:53 AM >

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 13

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 1:03:13 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03

one more thing, for the record. I wasnt trying to say I wanted this particular dom back, but was askign if others felt like they wanted to improve there slave/sub and when there wasn't much to be improved on (AGAIN his words, NOT mine) if they wanted to move on.
As for having my life and priorities in order well I do. and I'm not going to be ashamed that I have my shit together and can take care of myself. after all I'm not here looking for a babysitter.

Hello daisy,

There are 1001 sorts of Doms. you know girl, so it's a matter of being compatible. I don't think that you couldn't approve things, it a matter of the demands of the Dominant, who decides what's good enough for Him/Her.
They can expect the impossible from you yes, that means
that He/She isn't the right one for you.

I know the search is a hard one, and that goes both ways.

So don't focus on this particular person,
and think you're not good enough.
you're Great the way you are!
Believe in yourself, then you will shine that attitude to the
world, and there will be people who will notice this daisy.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 14

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 5:48:24 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Could it be that you've been talking to D's that are just looking for someone to control and whale on? They walk off when they find out that it'll be difficult to come up with an excuse to tell you off/spank you/etc...and that, I would say, is a failing in THEM, not you.

I'd be willing to bet at least 80% of the Doms on here wouldn't have a clue what to do with a well behaved sub/slave.

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 6:04:30 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

This is just a thought but i see it in many women who want to be slaves. They believe that they must master themselves into being some concept in her head of what perfect or good slave is instead of the Man mastering them into the slave they wish her to be. The issue is to me this isn't slavery, its a woman mastering herself and then looking for a Man to follow based on her determinations of what she wants to be like as a "slave."

Maybe that is what you have fallen into, you are somehow projecting a concept of what you think is being a slave and mastering yourself, and in the end, you have met a guy who doesn't see where his mastery is needed you've done a good job of it and he may be the type of Man who wishes to master his slave not have a woman who masters herself and leaves him nothing to do in some instances. To me there is no dominance or mastery there.

I am guessing this only on what you have said. If a woman has mastered herself into what she believes is being a slave, if she does the determining of what being a slave is and encounters a Man who isn't capable of overriding her own determinations of what SHE thinks being a slave (not his slave) is, he may simply not wish to waste his time with someone who he sees as perhaps done his job for him by mastering herself and then determining how she will be.

Perhaps you will find a Man willing to override your own determinations after having found yourself, perhaps you won't. But i see many times women who want to be slaves who while they are free they decide what being a slave is, and try and master themselves through their own determinations and in this they don't get its not about what they believe is BEING a good slave, with a Man its about being HIS slave through his determination and mastery -- not her own.

As i said i am only going on what has been said, as i don't know the specifics.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 16

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 6:45:15 AM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03
So, my question is, I suppose, does this happen to you? Do you ever feel useless, like theres nothing more you can improve upon? If so, what do you do then? And what can I do because it is really conflicting to be told I'd make a good slave/sub and then to be turned away.

I have never felt that someone can not improve. No one is ever perfect. This has little direct connection, in my mind, with D/s.
No, I have never felt useless. Wrong, stupid, incompetent ... all of those things but never useless.
Do not be in conflict. If someone is not willing to take on the joy of a submissive who will serve them well and capably, yet calls themselves a dominant, it is far more likely that it is they who have problems, not you.
I'll admit that you sound like you might make a better slave than a sub (and don't take that too seriously, I no nothing like enough about you to be sure). If I'm right, that might be where you are having a problem - in seeking the wrong type of man. Without being able to see a profile or have a much longer conversation, it is hard to know just what is going on. You may have come upon excuses for whatever the real reasons are - which is pointless and harmful but does happen.

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisymae03
...
As for having my life and priorities in order well I do. and I'm not going to be ashamed that I have my shit together and can take care of myself. after all I'm not here looking for a babysitter.

You sound great.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
...
2. How early are you discussing collaring with a Dom? If it's early, then it's like discussing how many children you want thirty minutes into your first date.
...

There's nothing wrong with that. It is as well to be upfront about whether she wants to be a slave or not, since not everyone wants the responsibility, while others want nothing other than full ownership. Also, speaking personally, I like to know about a woman's desire for children, since my interest in having any more is zero; the sooner that's out of the way the better.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 7:23:49 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

Could it be that you've been talking to D's that are just looking for someone to control and whale on? They walk off when they find out that it'll be difficult to come up with an excuse to tell you off/spank you/etc...and that, I would say, is a failing in THEM, not you.

I'd be willing to bet at least 80% of the Doms on here wouldn't have a clue what to do with a well behaved sub/slave.

I respectfully disagree. I have no need to tell an s type off. And I will spank my sub when I want to, not just for discipline.

It's pretty easy dealing with a well behaved s type. I tell her what I want, and she serves.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 18

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 7:32:28 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

And what can I do because it is really conflicting to be told
I'd make a good slave/sub and then to be turned away.

Perhaps whatever the reason is you have no profile is the reason why you keep getting blown off - something you are hiding?

(in reply to daisymae03)

Post #: 19

RE: slightly confused? - 5/9/2009 9:55:14 AM

daisymae03

Posts: 64
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

not hiding anythiung, yes i know my profile is hidden but its because i am working on what else to put up on it, and i dont like things up when they are only half decided of what I want it to say, because while I know who I am, I still am undecided on what to put int he profile, whats relevent, and such. But, thats abother thread.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 20

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