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love - 5/9/2009 5:10:32 AM   
chocomotive


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline 		my Dom and i were having some big problems and i ask him this question 'do you love me?'.  some may call it needy i know, to be lke that.... but i got a big need to feel loved  and after a few years he knows me pretty well.

No, he says - i dont love you... just like you.  i am so upset about that statement he actually looks upset that i am upset.

my question is.... should i really be taken alot of notice of this statement or not?, or try to feel less hurt by it?.  my ex husband told me he loved me all the time... but it was wortless... he was a narcissist and abuser.

so well basically whilst i may have this need thing going on to feel loved i am wondering what it actually means to be loved.  i sat down last night and realised i dont have a clue what it feels like to be loved.  For all i know this Dom may love me more than my ex husband did.  its just gutting that after a few years someone tells you they dont love you when you need them so much (the Dom)... and you feel such a stong emotional and physical connection to them

take care all
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: love - 5/9/2009 5:22:34 AM   
housemouseinoz


Posts: 83
Joined: 2/3/2009
Status: offline 		I don't know.......define Love? Often I think love can be measured more by a persons actions without saying the words
I Love You.
Does he fullfil you in every other way? I understand you may feel rejected right now, but just remember
Actions speak louder than words :-)

_____________________________

Guide me into a brand new day
In Your eyes You know i've found my place

(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: love - 5/9/2009 5:28:30 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Many people use "I love you"as a worm on a hook, it means nothing and simply placates the person it is being said too. What use is the romantic twaddle when so often it is empty and meaningless.

I don't "Love" My girl either but I do care about and for her, I have a duty of care for My possession also... those are things she can see each and every day, not from words but from ACTIONS and those speak louder.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to housemouseinoz)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: love - 5/9/2009 5:29:06 AM   
VelvetCruelty


Posts: 153
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't be loved.

Does every BDSM relationship have love?  No, but there are many couples on here that are a living example of what it is to have love combined with their kink.  Greedy top and Pirate, Deanna and Shiver me timbers, Asher and julianna, Moga and her cub, Bear and his cub, Pomme and Felineae, Savagefairie and blackphoenix.  And forgive me any of the ones that I've forgotten, these are just off the top of my head.

How unfortunate that you don't believe you have ever been loved.  Everyone needs love, everyone deserves to feel loved.

You deserve to have someone in your life that loves you that you can depend on.  That you feel special with, that you are special to.  Someone that will be there when you are sick, and when you are well.  When you are happy, or sad, or absolutely impossible to love at that moment, they love you because of, not in spite of, who you are. 

It must be devestating to love your Dom so completely and have him tell you that he doesn't love you, and for that I am deeply sorry.  It is a terrifying thing when you love someone, and they don't love you back.  It used to always make me wonder, if they don't love me, why would they stay?  Then that just starts all kinds of anxiety ridden neurosis for me.  bleh.

Everyone else does have a point, if his actions are speaking louder than his words, then I agree, the words don't have to be there, for you to see that he does love you.

Long story short - you should be loved, every day, for the rest of your life.  I am not sure, if I would settle for less.

I am hoping you don't have to.

I wish you the very best of luck in all that you do.

< Message edited by VelvetCruelty -- 5/9/2009 5:32:36 AM >

_____________________________

She who must be Obeyed and Her demands Satisfied :)

I'm like an apple with a razor blade in it - sweet until you bite into me!

Why does Mommy have such big teeth? The better to eat you with little girl....

(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: love - 5/9/2009 5:34:25 AM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		I'm a domme who needs to love and be loved. Lots don't need that. I do. We are all individuals and have needs and wants. There is nothing wrong with either way. But if you need to be loved, and being liked is not enough for you, then go find your love.

D/s or vanilla, you need what you need. You don't have to settle for less.

Good luck!! xxx

(in reply to VelvetCruelty)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: love - 5/9/2009 6:19:57 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It has been a little over five years since my divorce and my ex still claims he loves me - the same man who graphically and quietly explained to me how he was going to kill me and make it look like suicide. 

I was involved with a Master who feels that love and BDSM do not blend for him.  He will never fall in love with me yet many of his actions were more loving than anything I ever saw in my marriage.

For me, it is the actions that count.  I didn't need the word "love" - I needed someone who genuinely cared about me, watched over me, and actively sought my fulfillment in a balance with seeking his own pleasure.  That was my personal decision and I know that some need to hear the actual words.  However, you already pointed out that a person can say the words and not follow through.

Take time to look inside and see what it is that you really need.  Ask yourself what love means to you and then seek it.  If you are getting everything that you need from your current relationship except for the statement, "I love you", then you may find that those words really aren't that important.  (Frankly, I'm not surprised that he seemed surprised it would hurt you.  Those who feel that love and BDSM should not mix have strong reasons for that belief.)  If you need those words, no matter what the actions are, find someone who can give them to you.  Most of all - learn to love yourself.  Only then can your eyes be truly open to the love that is around you that you may now simply be discounting.


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(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
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RE: love - 5/9/2009 6:24:37 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
I've never heard the words * I love you* either, from my owner's lips. I never will and I've known him for a decade. My Father has never said it, that I can remember but I know he loves me dearly. I'd never try to wring the words from him...it's not required and it's not fair because it's not how he operates. He *does* love, he doesn't *say* love.

*Feeling loved* , as you said, doesn't equate to be TOLD that you're loved. And as you also noted.....you may BE more *loved* by someone that doesn't say it, than by someone that trots the words out regularly.

Being loved and feeling loved are two very different things. Only you can *feel* loved and no-one else can make you feel it, no matter what they say or do. Some people are a black-hole and no matter what you do, what you say, they will not *feel* loved.

Being told you're loved isn't a security blanket. Hearing it will be small comfort if you don't *feel*it. Do you think you'll feel it, if he says it? Does that word alone, spoken by him, hold the key to feeling it? If he said * Yes, I love you* what would that change for you? Will you feel reassured that you're *giving* or *needing* in equal measure?

You've been with him for a fair amount of time..what has kept you there? Your need of him or his care for you?

agirl











(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: love - 5/9/2009 7:45:14 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		chocomotive, you have no idea what those three words mean to your Dom.  It could be that he's been blackmailed with them before ("If you REALLY loved me, you would XXX").  It could be that he sees them as leading to a deeper commitment (possibly marriage) than he wants right now.

You were already having problems before the question,  His answer and your response to it have heightened the tensions.  My suggestions (with the written stuff stolen from Marriage Encounter):

1. A good session.  Spanking, whipping, mindblowing sex.  Clears the mind.
2. Each of you gets three sheets of paper.  Set a timer for fifteen or twenty minutes.  Both of you sit down in the samne room but not looking at each other, and write on the topic "These are some of the feelings I have about love".  Do not talk during this time, just think, write, and think some more.  Do not accuse the other in the writings.
3. When the timer goes off, finish your sentences, then swap writings.  Each of you will then read the other's thoughts.  Don't talk, just read and think and try to understand the other.
4. Decide who goes first.  That person has five minutes to describe how he or she felt reading the others' writings.  Uninterrupted. Again, no accusations.
5. Switch.  Another five minutes, uninterrupted.
6. Discuss jointly.

Good luck!




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: love - 5/9/2009 8:05:53 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		don't let a word confuse you...

i have been with the same dominant man for going on three years now, and everytime i'm with him, i tell him that i love him, but i tell him this because it makes me feel good, not because i expect him to say it in return or to feel the same way as i do. as a matter of fact, everytime i tell him that i love him, he responds with, ' i know', and nothing more...

on that same note, he has done everything but ask me to marry him, including making sure that when i'm too old and too poor to tend to myself, i have a house, on his property, to grow old in and to enjoy my retirement days. of course, it took my former dominant to point this out to me when i was whining to him about how i wasn't sure where i stood in my current relationship. the word 'love' may not come from my dominants lips, but the actions of 'love' come from him on a daily basis and well into my future.

like you, i'm an emotionally reactive, and someone needy person when it comes to 'words of love', but in the end, i would much rather be with someone who shows me love, rather than lets it run casually off of their lips because i feel the need to hear it all the time.

(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: love - 5/9/2009 8:22:24 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Has this *need* to be told you're loved only surfaced recently? (considering that you've been with him for a few years?)  Unless it's been a problem the whole time and you've hidden it or buried it.....has it not raised it's head before now?

Unlike DarkSteven, I don't really see why you should have to wade through a camaflouged minefield of having to decipher what it *might mean*. If the person in charge can't/won't/doesn't make their thoughts and feelings clear, then it'd mean we're both in a paddleless canoe.

agirl









(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: love - 5/9/2009 8:32:30 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive
No, he says - i dont love you... just like you. 

Alot of folks have already said what I would have but I also had a thought about the above statement that I don't think has been mentioned yet. It may sound weird but I think it means more to "like" someone than to "love" them. People have family members and other close friends that they "love" no matter what but sometimes they don't even really "like" them. They may even feel obligated to "love" them but, if they weren't tied so closely, would they "like" them enough to want to be part of their world? Oftentimes not.

Therefore, to me, when someone really "likes" me and they have no obligation to "love" me, it means more. I mean, I know my Mom "loves" me - she will no matter what even though there were times in my life when she couldn't possibly have really "liked" much about me or my behavior. I have a co-worker who really "likes" me. We have a lot in common. We laugh alot and buy each other silly little gifts and really unburden our thoughts about our stupid-ass boss, etc. She has no responsibility to "like" me but she does and it's sincere.

Somehow, it's nice when people "like" you...I mean really "like" you (credit to Sally Field) rather than "love" you for complex emotional reasons or obligations.............luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 5/9/2009 8:33:06 AM >

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(in reply to chocomotive)
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RE: love - 5/9/2009 8:38:26 AM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		when someone says i love you i just say i plead the fifth even if i do i have problems admitting to things :p though i'll say i like you so take what you can get

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: love - 5/9/2009 1:13:20 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Apparently some Domly types have troubles being Dominant (especially when humiliation and pain is involved) with partners they love...i don't know him...maybe the case of a block on purpose inorder to be Dominant

(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: love - 5/9/2009 1:44:10 PM   
Miwsi


Posts: 35
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		Hmm, personally I would not be in a relationship where there was no love. I mean obviously in the beginning stages it is unrealistic to love someone as we are getting to know them, but if I am going to sub for someone, it'll be because I feel love for that person, and I would expect those feelings in return.

Love is simple, it's what we do to it that complicates it.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: love - 5/9/2009 2:46:05 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		you know that the word love can be easily said and easily used and in the end can mean fuck all.

i have said to my um once or twice 'i really really love you, but i dont like what youre doing'.

loving my son means that i would put my life on the line for him, no hesitation.  but i also like him and that actually counts for a whole lot more.  it means i like who he is, i like his humour and generosity and well, everything (usually lol, he has his awful moments too), i like how he treats his friends, i like his emerging personality and his values, even at nearly 13 he is growing into a fine young man. ok, so im a proud mum, what can i say

like is often a much stronger word than love. it has more stability and staying power than love.  it means that youre Master knows who you are and values who you are enough to like you. it sounds like a much smaller word but i dont think it is.

love means emotion pure and simple, which for many is an unstable force, transient and unqualified and for some emotion isnt something they do.

id stick with like and know you are someone he really enjoys having around him - because he LIKES you  thats cool!


(in reply to Miwsi)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: love - 5/9/2009 3:32:40 PM   
Miwsi


Posts: 35
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		Well that was a very neat post, lally :)

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: love - 5/9/2009 7:29:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Believe him. He doesn't love you, he isn't suddenly going to fall in love with you. He won't commit to you beyond what your relationship now is.

If you need a relationship that includes love and commitment, then move on. If you don't, stay there.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Miwsi)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: love - 5/9/2009 10:11:08 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		If after a few years with him, you don't already feel loved... So that you feel you hafta even ask the question "do you love me?" in order to try to figure it out- and with you admitting that you're not even sure what it really feels like to be loved-
with just this information to go on I'd hafta guess that he hasn't been SHOWING you love, or he has- and you have a problem consciously feeling it somehow. He could be showing you in ways that you just don't "get". That just don't do it for you. Or it could be a combination of both of these things. Him not showing it and you not feeling it, somehow.

Look at his actions. Is he treating you in a loving manner? Like a person would expect to be treated if they were loved? Does he pay attention to your needs and desires? Does he ACT like they're important to him? Like you are important to him?

How does he act? Look at what he does, or does not actually DO.
 
There's your answer.




Edited to add:

If you feel you really need someone who loves you to be able to say that out loud (some people are just unable to admit to themselves that they do love someone- either its too scary for them or they are really that out of touch with their own feelings) then he is not a good fit for you. I'd leave it before you waste any more of both of your time on each other.
Speaking is an action, after all. If you feel you need him to show his love that way, and he is unwilling or unable (for whatever reason) to say the words, then he either does not love you, or does not fit your needs regardless.



< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 5/9/2009 10:24:00 PM >

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(in reply to chocomotive)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: love - 5/9/2009 10:28:55 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		I just can't understand why so many people are giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.

She asked him point blank, "Do you love me?"

He answered straight up, "No. I don't love you. I just like you."

Why would anyone (including the OP)  think there's any more to it than that?

OP, if you feel hurt by what he said, you have every right and every reason to. For you to say that you don't have a clue what it feels like to be loved is a tragic and heartbreaking thing. If you think he may really love you, but for some reason wasn't willing or able to communicate that to you - and it's something you think you really need to have settled in order to move forward - then I think you need to plant his ass on the couch and have another discussion with him. Tell him straight up that you need to have this clear in your mind and in your heart, that you need him to be open and honest and communicative about his feelings, and that you need to know how he really feels.

You've got a right to have that conversation, and he owes you that. After you've talked, you should have a pretty clear idea of where you stand one way or the other. And you can make your decisions accordingly. Good luck to you. I really feel for you right now. I hope this whole thing resolves all nice and happy for everyone.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: love - 5/9/2009 10:38:58 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Ask yourself this question, In 20 years from now, (assuming your both still with each other) is this spat, or whatever you wish to call it, will this matter all so much? That he cant say this word to you? Your both happy, your well taken care of, you fulfilled.

So? accept things as they are, maybe he will come to love you, or be able to say the words to you. For now your happy, so dont mess with a good thing you know?


_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat



(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)
Profile   Post #: 20
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