a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (Full Version)

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ShivaTS -> a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 10:20:39 PM)

Ive just started into the bdsm scene. I have always been submissive, though. I signed up on another site and have had trouble with dom's talking me into submitting into what they say is a relationship and then taking me for one night of rough sex. Its only been a week and I have got to the doctor once and think I will have to go from what a different dom did to me. I am very inexperienced sexually and am not used to the dating scene. Everyone tells me that I should take responsibility for my safety and check these guys out, but I am truely a sub in terms of submitting when push comes to shove. Ive stopped going on the other alternative website but I cant figure out how to meet a dom without putting myself into danger. Its easy to say "tell them to meet at a public place" but if they say no and tell me "I am being difficult and he will come to my house", what can I really say? This isnt a fun game for me to turn off my submissive side, this is who I am, this is my life.[&o]



windy135 -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 10:27:59 PM)

quote:

Its only been a week and I have got to the doctor once and think I will have to go from what a different dom did to me.


This doesn't sound good. You need to take a deep breath and stand back. Being submissive is not something to take lightly. As you say it is who you are. You do not have to turn your submissive qualities off when talking to a new Dom. but you should keep your head straight and think "is this Dom right for me". Don't allow every guy who says he's a Dom to top you. You have to look through a lot of dirt and rubble to find a gem. Trust me I understand.



Arpig -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 10:32:51 PM)

It may be hard to say no, but there are a couple things to keep in mind
1. one night of rough sex does not a relationship make
2. any "Dom" who would object to a 1st meeting in a public place is probably just after "one night of rough sex"
3. If you have been injured to the point of needing medical attention twice now, it is time you tried very hard to stick to your guns and to avoid those one-nighters, otherwise you may not have too many nights left.

I sincerly hope you can find somebody to take you on, to keep you from getting yourself hurt like this. Good luck



foxglove716 -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 10:42:20 PM)

Woah. Red flags flying everywhere.

First off, theres a big difference between being submissive and being a doormat. Its not a fine line, its a big freekin gap. Being SUBMISSIVE does not equate to SUBHUMAN. You have a right to say no, and if you say no, to anything, it doesnt make you any less submissive. If youre worried about what the dom might think, well to be frank, thinking doesnt sound like your doms strong suit to begin with. They dont think of your safety, why would you think of their feelings? And just because someone claims to be *a* dom it doesnt make them *your* dom.

quote:

Its easy to say "tell them to meet at a public place" but if they say no and tell me "I am being difficult and he will come to my house", what can I really say?


You could start with "no". Tell them you dont feel comfy with that. Tell them that you would rather move slowly and get to know them. (doms can be aggressive but a good number of doms will respect you if you take the time to get to know them first). Tell them that youre hungry and would rather get a bite to eat first. Tell them that you fancy old fashioned dating. Tell them that you two can peruse a sex store first and maybe youll get some ideas. Tell them that sure, youre difficult, but you like a challenge.

I really think you need to slow down. I know its exciting when youve discovered yourself and want to dive head first into the full experience. I think you need to discover *youself* before you discover anyone else, or at least slow down because you are certainly headed for disaster.



Misstoyou -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 11:19:03 PM)

This is very troubling. I see in your profile you are trying to protect yourself by searching for a female Dominant as opposed to a male. If that's the case and you're serious, until you can get control of yourself and learn to say no, I would suggest you also change your "actively seeking" preferences to match your profile, and then you can also change your message preference to automatically put messages from males directly into bulk mail. Out of sight, hopefully out of mind.

Quite honestly, as apparently easy it is to find someone to use you, it will be that difficult to find the right someone to own you. You should be protecting your health and your sanity for that One.



ShivaTS -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/4/2006 11:47:49 PM)

thank you Misstoyou I will do that right away.



FangsNfeet -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 12:02:38 AM)

quote:

I cant figure out how to meet a dom without putting myself into danger. Its easy to say "tell them to meet at a public place" but if they say no and tell me "I am being difficult and he will come to my house", what can I really say? This isnt a fun game for me to turn off my submissive side, this is who I am, this is my life.


You can say "FUCK OFF!" There's a difference between a Dom and a Control Freak making an ASS out of themselves.

You can chat, web cam, and talk on the phone all you want, but they aren't going to allow that first meeting to be in a public place, then you are more than likely talking so someone who is an abuser rather than a Dom.

If they don't like this one request then move on. There are many more Doms in the sea. It's fine to say that you are submisive. However, that does not mean that you have to be submisive to every one who claims to be a dom. It's fine and very very very safe for you to stand up for yourself in regards to your safety.



ShivaTS -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 12:25:44 AM)

Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do. I dont understand how a submissive cant. Maybe I am not a submissive then, because cant go from being a gamma sometimes to an alfa when I think the current alfa is not to my liking. Submitting is submitting end of story. Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy. I am not like that. I asked the question if it means I am a slave on a different discussion but was told no. I am very confused.



Rayne58 -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 2:36:49 AM)

I'm submissive. I always have been. BUT I don't submit to just anyone who calls himself Lord High and Mighty. I am lucky, my Master found me before I knew what BDSM was all about. We have a great relationship and are going to be married this year.

You are placing yourself in very real danger, and you are going to have to learn to stand up for yourself. I do know it is hard, when all your instincts are telling you to please people and you don't want to upset anyone or hurt their feelings, but it's so necessary when it is your life which is at stake if you make a wrong decision. Learn to say NO, and mean it. Any Dom worth his salt will not balk at a public meeting, or giving you info about himself so you can check he is who he says he is.

Trust that little voice inside you. If something seems wrong, or out of wack, it most probably is and you should cut and run. You are responsible for keeping yourself safe, so please, step back a little and do some reading and research first before jumping in the deep end!



swtnsparkling -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 3:21:09 AM)

quote:

Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do. I dont understand how a submissive cant. Maybe I am not a submissive then, because cant go from being a gamma sometimes to an alfa when I think the current alfa is not to my liking. Submitting is submitting end of story. Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy. I am not like that. I asked the question if it means I am a slave on a different discussion but was told no. I am very confused.


You have Alot of learning to do and the first thing to learn is what is a submissive.
quote:

Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive.

WTF?



Quivver -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 3:24:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do. I dont understand how a submissive cant. Maybe I am not a submissive then, because cant go from being a gamma sometimes to an alfa when I think the current alfa is not to my liking. Submitting is submitting end of story. Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy. I am not like that. I asked the question if it means I am a slave on a different discussion but was told no. I am very confused.


Shiva, stop and take a deep breath... ... I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make some assumptions (and yes I do know they are the mother of all fuck ups) .....
submitting and being submissive is not a game, nor is there a switch to turn it on or off, but what you've described in another post is doormat behavior. So, my assumptions lead me to believe there is something horribly lacking in your life for you to allow this kind of crap to be done to you. Please dont think I'm picking on you, I'm not at all.. I just see you aching for either companionship, or simply another's touch, both of which we all need! But it's that ~all~ part that your getting mixed up. You can not be submissive to all, some as youve found will not have your best interest at heart. You can say NO politely and mean it, not all NO's are bratty. Please try to do some soul searching and find what is missing so you dont end up some statistic.
Q



RavenMuse -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 4:25:11 AM)

Whilst I agree with what most so far have said, let me take a diffrent approach and maybe, hopefully show you that you really NEED to adress this 'doormat' behaviour'

What are you looking for?A master that will care for you? How can he do so if he can't TRUST you?

If you can't say no when it is your health at stake, then why would he think he could trust you to follow his orders knowing that all it might take is for any half-baked idiot that wanted to lable themself 'Dom' to give you an order and your 'doormat' nature would comply regardless of your masters prior order.

That might not be the case, but it is certainly the impression you give here.

You need to take a time out and sort that part of you, seriously or you are going to end up getting hurt in so many ways, ways a doctor ain't going to be able to fix!



Cloudz -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 4:47:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do. I dont understand how a submissive cant. Maybe I am not a submissive then, because cant go from being a gamma sometimes to an alfa when I think the current alfa is not to my liking. Submitting is submitting end of story. Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy. I am not like that. I asked the question if it means I am a slave on a different discussion but was told no. I am very confused.


Sweetie,

Please get yourself some therapy. I am not being mean, I am being kind. You are setting yourself up to get very very hurt. I would also suggest turning off ALL your profiles EVERYWHERE for 90 days and READ everything you can and INTERACT using your mind with people here.

You say you have no choice but to submit. Perhaps you mean you have a deep longing to submit, or you do not feel whole and complete until you submit...but you do have a choice. You make it sound like you have no impulse control...that you must follow every urge you have. That is not how it works.

There are some amazing, wonderful, intellegent submissives here - men and women who understand how valuable they are as humans first and foremost. I think that may be the peice that is missing with you. You need to get your priorities straight. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to learn, learn, learn...and that can be done without ending up in the hospital.

I wish you great good luck,



SirKenin -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 5:05:21 AM)

I am just a bit curious. A BDSM relationship is not unlike a vanilla relationship in the beginning. Would you let a vanilla man do this to you? Chances are, probably not. So why on earth let a "Dom" do this to you?

As has been said, this is not about being a submissive. This is about some kind of personal issue, although I am not going to be the one to sit here and point any fingers.



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 6:21:29 AM)

Reading your profile, you say you are wanting to "experiment" with your sexuality. If that is your goal, then I would guess that you are putting yourself into situations to be used sexually. I agree with Cloudz that there seems to be an issue with lack of impulse control when it comes to your decisions to be used by Doms. I think there might be a deeper issue under the guise of being submissive.

In any case, I hope you are able to find peace within yourself.

Be well,
Julie



MstrssPassion -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 7:07:48 AM)

quote:

ShivaTS: Its easy to say "tell them to meet at a public place" but if they say no and tell me "I am being difficult and he will come to my house", what can I really say?


Then tell them to fuck off...

You have to look out for your safety. You are placing yourself in a VERY dangerous situation.

http://www.rememberingourdead.org

Take a look at this site... these people, like yourself, were killed because of there differences.

My current partner is also transsexual & she & I are involved in many types of functions & speaking engagements that offer education to others about transgendered persons.

People in the GLBT community still have to be wary of the environments they place themselves in & to whom they would meet without proper safety involved. It is sad that a gay couple can't just walk in a night club & not be ridiculed if they embrace. Transgendered persons are at a higher risk if they are identified by the male homophobic type. It will take many more generations before we are not viewed as freaks to the straight class.

Do not be ashamed of who you are but be careful of who you involve yourself with. There must be a local group that you could contact & at least involve yourself with a peer group.



shigglyboom -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 7:16:53 AM)

Shiva,

If it helps, think about your future Master. He/she is not going to be happy with you if you let yourself get horribly scarred, either physically or mentally, but not standing up for yourself.

You clearly are a submissive with a lot of strength. That's obvious because it takes enormous strength to commit to the physical and lifestyle changes you have made. Take all that same courage and strength you have shown in your pursuit of happiness so far and use it to hold out and make sure the relationship you get into is a happy one.

I wish you felt like you could do this for yourself, but even if you don't think you deserve being gentle and protective with yourself, the Master you end up with deserves that you take the best possible care of his/her property. That means actively weeding out the jerks.



PenelopePitstop -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 9:24:34 AM)

Shiva...I don't think you have fully explored in your own mind what submission IS. I think everyone has a different interpretation, but you must understand, we are only submissive for our own pleasure. You do not seem to be getting much pleasure. The urge to have bad things happen to you should offset by a feeling of...some call it a pleasure buzz, some call it enlightenment, some call it redemption. Either way it becomes a positive part of your soul, but this does not seem to be happening to you. I feel you are stuck in the trap of thinking I am submissive therefore i should enjoy ALL pain - that is not so. A submissive CHOOSES what pain he or she will allow. SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL. Your uncertainty and lack of self esteem is attracting the wrong people. I think you should spend some time around these boards, read what other people have to say, formulate your opinion, do not go 'out there' just yet.



xxblushesxx -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 10:22:54 AM)

Here is a great article...plus the site has many wonderful resources.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/usherdoctrine.htm

plus...as I almost always seem to say...please, take a breath, step back, and think....

good luck!

*hugs*



KnightofMists -> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom (2/5/2006 10:52:00 AM)

There is a big difference from being submissive and being reckless! You are not being submissive in these situations.. your reckless!!!



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