Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 1:05:33 PM   
ShivaTS


Posts: 132
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for the link, xxblushesxx. The information was very helpful. I think my first step is to try to figure out what my levels of consent should be. If someone wants to go further than my first level, then I can distinguish from there a pretitor. It will be hard to do this this because I am so new at this. If anyone has any advise or opinions on this it would be helpful. I will turn off my mail completely on this site as well as on the other sites untile I can setup my "rules". I will also try to find a local bdsm group to interact with. Thank you for all you help.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 1:11:28 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Submission is a GIFT it is GIVEN , not taken by un asked for force.
Those who do that are wrong and harm a lot of people with their inconsideration and greed.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 1:13:17 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive.


Yikes, that attitude can get you in a lot of trouble. Of course you can choose to whom you will submit and everything you do should be consensual. Maybe this old thread will help you:

Playing on a first meeting

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 3:21:32 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Dearest proudsub,

Welcome, welcome... I have missed you...

(I hope you are not mis-behaving...)

My regards to You and Your Master.

Jus' me!

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 4:58:03 PM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		this upset me so , there are so many non doms who are playing a game and think they can just pick you and abuse you! this is what is happening to you. i think you may be picking these make believe doms that scaream at you if you say no they are in a hurry to rush to meet you and then command that you obey them, fist any true dom will respect you wishes if and when you say no. a true dom that is interested in you will take the time to know you and respect you old ways of thinking. as a submissive you have every right to say no, and mean it if they scream at you and want something more say no again. do not for the love of god go anywhere if someone just because they say i am the lord of doms. your placing yourself in harm way so fast, and you safety is more important then what they say! no more letting anyone knowwhere you live. there are true nuts out there. last i am a dominant women i let my submissve say no if it is truly something they do not want. i tell them this before we began anything "you have the right to say no to me if it is something you do not want" please do not go and get yourself more injure and what did the doctor say? if your hurt enough that you need medical attention that is so bad so very very bad for you, i will scare you the next time you may run into a true nut. look for a dom who respect your space, one who listen to you. there are some very wonderful doms out there find them. if you do it slow you will find one. submissvie does not mean as one other said "YOUR A DOORMAT"

take care
mons

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 7:23:14 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Dearest proudsub,

Welcome, welcome... I have missed you...

(I hope you are not mis-behaving...)

My regards to You and Your Master.

Jus' me!

Ron


Thank you Ron. As for behaving....uhhhhh.......no. But things are going well.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/5/2006 9:10:15 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		aww...thanks...

I have lots of other links but this one seemed the most appropriate...

If you ever need to talk, I am always available.

If you are ever in doubt, with no one to talk to...ask yourself...what advice would you give your best friend, your sister, or anyone else you care deeply for?...

tell yourself the truth...then follow it!

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/6/2006 12:52:29 AM   
ShivaTS


Posts: 132
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		I have come to certain conclusions. I am looking for someone I can I can show my love and devotion for by serving them in what ever they need. I am not experienced enough yet to say what I want to do in the bdsm community but I hope my master will be kind enough to take me to what I think my limits are and push the boundaries to what they know I can take. This will take a very experienced master and therefore require alot of searching on my part. Knightofmists your profile shows me a glimps of what my master could be and what I hope he will be. Someone with inteligence, strength, and honor.

I am asking for the permission of masters/mistresses on the messege boards for help with the Sir's seeking me out because I know I am not strong enough yet to simply say no.

I would like to take the first steps to being what I think what my master will want by backing off and deleting messeges that come to any of my emails or let them know they can initiate conversation with me in the threads so all masters and dominants can see who it is who seeks me out. Therefore it will be harder for them to manipulate me.

As someone pointed out in this thread I must be true to my master and think about how he feels about what I am doing right now. This will hopefully give me the strength I need, knowing I am serving my master without even knowing who he will be. This in itself will be pushing my current mental boundaries and I hope he will be please at my behavior when we finally meet. I have already taken the first steps by changing my profile and will be going to a munch tomorrow posted for downtown calgary.

Unless someone asks me a specific question, I think this will be my last reply messege on this thread because I have taken up too much of everyones time.

Again thank you for all of your help.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/6/2006 1:22:51 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, ok, and OKAY!!!!

People, people, people. I have no idea if we are truely getting through to this person or not. This individual is over 1000 miles from me so there's really not a whole lot I can truely do. We put out the message and the warnings. Each of us has contributed to the best advice that can possibly be given.

All we can do now is hope and pray that the right Dom/Domme will come along and keep her from being an idiot.

So ShivaTS,

If and when you find yourself being with Mr/Mrs right, will you meet someone behind your Masters back because the stranger told you to do so? If you don't start learning what it means to stand up for yourself, you're going to find yourself being in many contridicting situations that will not only hurt you, but the ones you care the most for.

That's food for thought. Send me a message when you're ready for desert.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/6/2006 2:00:52 AM   
CuriousPuppy


Posts: 120
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline 		It's a complete and total copout to say your not strong enough to say no or that it's not in your right as a submissive to ever say no to anyone claiming to be dominant. Others have told you that you need to be careful, you need to learn to stand up for yourself, and a host of other things.

It's very easy to say no... Any time some self proclaimed dominant starts throwing a hissy fit when you say no and goes on about how your not a real submissive or anything else they want to have a fit about... Just hit the X in the corner of the window and roll your eyes, tell him you said no and hang up the phone. Tell them you said no and rape is quite clearly illegal in Canada. Tell them you have their name, number, and a picture of you with him when you met for coffee, a friend has a copy of that picture and will be providing it to the police should anything happen... make sure it's true.

Not being able to say no isn't a trait of a submissive however... it's a trait of a doormat. The difference between submissive and doormat isn't a fine line at all, it' a huge freaking gap. Don't sit there and tell us that you can't follow anyone's advice to help keep you safe because your too submissive to say no when someone tells you to ignore that advice and put yourself at great risk, you can't have it both ways. Either your submissive and can follow simple directions... or... your not... and your a doormat.

If you can't get your head on straight then go see a mental health professional till you can do just that. I hear they have some pretty decent government supplied health insurance up there in Canada.

As to the direct question suggested to be "required" to get you back into this thread...

Are you submissive... or are you a self destructive doormat? Justify your answer clearly with at least 200 words, add another 25 for every day that goes by without an answer.
If your a self destructive doormat, when is your appointment with a mental health professional?

< Message edited by CuriousPuppy -- 2/6/2006 2:11:25 AM >

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/6/2006 6:23:32 AM   
Tine11


Posts: 423
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline 		I find this disturbing myself. I know the feeling of having someone else in control can be so conferting, especally when things are tough and you feel though you can't cope with anything. Its not a matter of submitting for me, its a matter of giving control to someone else. Understand that not just anyone can walk off the streets gets control from me. I have to know they can handle it, and that way when give they use responably. Follow your instinct stick with it, if it says no then say no adn walk away. You can say no and still respect their postion. If a dom is a dom at all then they will understand say no, just be open and honest with them. Communication is key, and at least what i want is openness and honesty so why not start the the beging.

Tine

_____________________________

The world is like a shinning diamond.
The way it gitters if you polish it right.
If the light should turn and leave you blinded.
Take the dream and give it one more try.

Soulburn, Masterplan

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 9:12:31 AM   
MysticalPhoenix


Posts: 212
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline 		Shiva,

I hope that your doctor is taking care of you. Transgendered (MTF) women are popular among men looking for one-night-stand sex. I've seen a lot of it with my former sub (and a lot of heartbreak that they've left behind), and talked to enough people to know it's common.

It's also common that if you say no to someone who is a predator they are going to try and manipulate that no into a yes. When someone attempts this, don't keep saying no. Block them, don't read their emails, refuse their messages. They are not a Dom looking for a Sub. They are a predator looking for prey.

Keep in mind that a predator does not hunt the strongest members of the herd, but the very young, the injured, and the very old. Predators are lazy. They are not going to chase after you forever. They like easy prey.

Being a submissive does not require that you submit to anyone who says they are Dominant. It only requires that you submit to the Dominant whose collar you wear. Feel free to tell any other Dominant (male or female or otherwise) who attempts to treat you like prey to go $#!! themselves.

Don't be prey. Do watch out for yourself. Don't settle. Do look for someone who seeks more than just someone to use for a night of rough sex.

And follow the basic saftey precautions of online dating meetings. Pick up any book on the subject (vanilla or bdsm) the rules of safety are the same.

Always meet in a well-lit, busy, public place. Make sure someone knows where and when you are going to be there-and call them or have them call you during the meeting. Do not-repeat-Do not drink alcohol on the first meeting. Not even one. One can turn to many, and then you may end up seeing your doctor again. And, if you find the person who wants to meet you refuses to comply with basic safety precautions and tries to convince you to do otherwise, you've just scented a predator. Don't meet them. Period.

Phoenix

_____________________________

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

(in reply to Tine11)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 10:02:09 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		here's a thought for you...

I think a lot of submissive woman find themselves in abusive relationships. They are ripe for the picking of an abuser, they are almost like a magnet for it. They will easily forsake their own needs and well being for that of their partner, its a natural part of being submissive. I'm not talking a Master/slave relationship, even just a plain old vanilla one. That is *before* they become educated.

If, they get smart, and sometimes that takes a lot, even to the point of being harmed physically, emotionally and mentally over a number of years, they begin to realise that part of them is dead inside, and a dead thing cant offer anything much to anyone.

I think the introduction to BDSM has been a godsend to a lot of previously abused submissive women. They wake up to the fact that submissiveness does not equal agreeing to enter a relationship to be abused but totally the opposite. It means entering a relationship where both parties take on a balancing role which nourishes both.

Of course, even with bdsm, abusers are attracted into it, it gives them an excuse and justification for their abusive nature, they are not dominants or masters though. Don't get confused. It really is ok to say no.

Good luck with your healing. Take it slow..it really is a beautiful life.


(in reply to MysticalPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 10:03:15 AM   
LthrdWolf


Posts: 92
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Submitting is Not being a 'victim' & then a stat in the abused,maimed &/or killed dept.

Submitting means 'still' having healthy 'boundaries'- Define them & stick to it.

If you have difficulty understanding,relating to,&/or living by these above two statements -seek help -Bdsm positive counselling -there is No shame in this.

Take Care of you -Otherwise- you are No good to not Only yourself but to - anyone.

LthrdWolf

< Message edited by LthrdWolf -- 2/7/2006 10:14:23 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 1:56:49 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline 		This thread has made me so sad. It seems every day I run into someone who feels and believes the way you. Some have been taught it by previous Masters/Mistresses and some just have a misconception of what submission is.

My current sub had a lot of the same issues as you when I first took him on. His was due to years of abuse followed by abusive Doms, all teaching him that asserting himself in any way, even for his own safety and peace of mind, would cause him to be horribly beaten.

He is overcoming it and healing, but it is a slow process.

I do think the people here are on the right track with you and you would be wise to follow their advice even if standing your ground on your "NO" is hard for you.

While you are without a Dom, you are your own Master. You tell yourself when to go to bed, when to shower, when to eat, what to wear. Submit to yourself and become Master of yourself. I am certain you have a fantasy Master in your erotic dreams. Bring him out and let him "Master" you through your days. Read up on what makes a great Dom and do only the things that you believe a great Dom would approve of you doing.

I do like that you're taking time out to figure out how to approach this. Be wise first, you'll be less sorry later.

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 8:56:30 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Always meet in a well-lit, busy, public place. Make sure someone knows where and when you are going to be there-and call them or have them call you during the meeting. Do not-repeat-Do not drink alcohol on the first meeting. Not even one. One can turn to many, and then you may end up seeing your doctor again. And, if you find the person who wants to meet you refuses to comply with basic safety precautions and tries to convince you to do otherwise, you've just scented a predator. Don't meet them. Period


This made me think of another rule that the girls at the local university are being reminded of...DO NOT underANY circumstances leave a drink unattended with strangers and then return for a sip. There are too many drugs around that can be slipped into a drink and the next thing you know you're waking up without panties and evidence that "something" happened that you don't remember.

I saw the post about the fantasy master...this isn't a bad idea. I would journal your feelings as if you're presenting them to your "master". Create rituals for things you do. Find an object that to you symbolizes dominance, power and/or control and practice with this object as if you're addressing a Dom. I know that it sounds strange but things like this will help you to be able to lay the groundwork for self esteem and the ability to say NO. Slowly you will see that by having the aura of a Dom that you can carry with you at all times you will see that you can carry yourself with strength and confidence. Look at some of the girls on the boards as examples and learn what makes them tick...subs with attitude and confidence are some of the most sought after.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 2/7/2006 9:07:17 PM >

(in reply to MysticalPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/7/2006 9:08:27 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do. I dont understand how a submissive cant. Maybe I am not a submissive then, because cant go from being a gamma sometimes to an alfa when I think the current alfa is not to my liking. Submitting is submitting end of story. Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy. I am not like that. I asked the question if it means I am a slave on a different discussion but was told no. I am very confused.


Shiva... choosing who you submit to is the most important choice you have as a submissive. You don't have to submit to every moron who claims to be dominant, especially when you're meeting them online. There are a LOT of wannabe wanker jackasses online, claiming to be Grand High Lord and Master of the Clan Jerkoff, and they are just that - wannabe wanker jackasses.

You need to learn one very important lesson - that submissive does not mean submissive to all. You have choices. You have rights. And your primary responsibility is to take care of YOU. If you do not, no one else will. There are very few knights in shining armor these days, as you've learned by being forced to seek medical treatment TWICE in one week, due to "rough" experiences with users. Don't you think you deserve better?

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/8/2006 3:50:13 PM   
ShivaTS


Posts: 132
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		I dont know if I am just more receptive today than the past, but your suggestions on focusing on an object pretending it is master. It sounds odd, but it is working. Thank you.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/8/2006 9:09:17 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

I dont know if I am just more receptive today than the past, but your suggestions on focusing on an object pretending it is master. It sounds odd, but it is working. Thank you.


Make sure that you are journaling your feelings. When you get to the other side you'll have actual documentation of how far you've come.

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/8/2006 9:12:49 PM   
ShivaTS


Posts: 132
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		Ive found what I am needed. It was a mistress telling me I am not good enough to be hers. She instilled a determination in me to do what I must to make myself more than I am.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078