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RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/8/2006 9:37:13 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Mistresses are picky creatures. regardless of which sex you choose we want a whole person. Being able to say no, have standards, and know who you are, are very important things. Throwing yourself at every Domme Dick and hairy that you meet is desperate and unattractive to those worth having.
Part of being self actualized is loving yourself for who you are. I'm thinking that before you went and lost the twig and berries that someone would have had a conversation like this with you?? Somewhere inside you is the ability to realize that something isn't right for you. The same feelings that lead you to tv will guide you farther if you let them. Assuming that you met with a kink aware therapist at some time pre-op...is this something that you've continued?? If not I would contact them and get back soon.

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/8/2006 9:44:15 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Ive found what I am needed. It was a mistress telling me I am not good enough to be hers. She instilled a determination in me to do what I must to make myself more than I am.


Don't give someone like that too much thought. Anyone insensitive enough to tell someone else they're not good enough is clearly not good enough for YOU. Of course you're good enough! Maybe you didn't fit her ideal picture of *her* slave, but that certainly doesn't make you defective.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 11:52:14 AM   
ladydelight57


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/30/2005
Status: offline 		ANY Dom who is a TRUE Dominant would NOT put you in a position where you HAD to say no. There is safety protocol in place for a reason.....first you should have basic information on someone....name, date of birth, address, telephone number, etc....and a safe call arranged. If a so called "Dom" tells you that you are being difficult, He is simply a sexual predator.......not someone who is lifestyle oriented. YOUR protection is important....do not be a doormat dear.......submissive does NOT mean doormat. Protect yourself...........always practice Safe Sane and Consensual........to ensure that you will live a long and satisfying life.

(in reply to windy135)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 12:00:40 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Shiva, do not confuse submission with a persecution complex--you mentioned these were from online engagements---which means you took the action to bring it to a real experience---with what appears to be the wrong or poorly selected people---this isn't a doormat complex its a persecution complex or a sexual addiction--I've seen that once in someone I knew who blamed it on her Gorean training--so she had sex with any Dom who pinged---na uh--that IMHO is not submission.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 12:05:30 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		no means no...Just say no....Dayum...I tell my boys that constantly...Hi, M.H. : ), you make good points!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 12:43:22 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane

no means no...Just say no....Dayum...I tell my boys that constantly...Hi, M.H. : ), you make good points!


hey fastlane--thanks--hope life is treating you well--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 1:11:16 PM   
PhamNewan


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		This kinda crap really pisses me off. That is completely inappropriate behavior for a so called "MASTER." It makes it a total pain in the ass for the rest of us to make real connections. I hate to berate you but you are just going to have to learn to buck up and deny these guys. You'll never find the right space to feel your deep submission unless you find someone you can trust. Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about the users so you are just going to have to get the skills necassary to identify them before you meet them at your house. ...arghh...I'm rambling. That's all I'm going to say.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/12/2006 4:27:47 PM   
VaWolf


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		It is ok to be submissive and not be a doormat.

First, if he doesn't care enough for your concerns (your safety, your trust,) to meet you in a public place. Then you should question if you want to be with him. Try dinner and a movie. It's out in public, a lot of fun, generally safe, a good way to get to know someone, and everyone has to eat.

A D/s relationship is both important and sacred, you should not take it lightly.

Abuse is abuse, without consent. Stay safe and look out for yourself. Once you find a Dom or Master who will protect you and look out for you then you can of course surrender to him, but to ensure that you live to meet him, you need to take these things into consideration for yourself.

Last, as I said, a D/s relationship in sacred, no two are alike, and you have a lot of fakes. A lot of people say they are Dom or sub and are neither. To find a true and caring Dom, and a true, obedient and faithful sub is difficult and sometimes takes a while. Don't let it get you down, don't give up. D/s is a beautiful thing.

You are on a good start, this website, www.collarme.com is a great site with many people and many resources with people more and less experienced then you and many points of view.

I wish you all of the luck in the world.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/13/2006 6:05:21 PM   
cutesub4Him


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		shiva,
i am a slave, does that mean i am a slave to just any Dom/Master that tells me to kneel? NO, Until Master found me i dated a few Doms, when i first entered the life 7 years ago i fell into the same trap you are in now............ you have the right to say NO girl and dont forget it. Thank goodness the Master i have now has allowed me to voice my opinions and i do every chance i get but always respectfully. If They say no to meeting in a public place then its a RED flag and you should RUN as fast as you can, if They tell you that you have to submit on a first meet then RUN....... the life i love isnt about the sex anyways and He/She should want to connect with you on a mental level not just sexual... i know all too well how hard it is to say no to a Dominant that attracts you but it is your duty to not only yourself but your sisters and brothers as well. There are too many out there thinking because They got one to submit then all should....... If you cant take care of yourself then how can you take care of a Dominant?

wolfscub
proud slave to my Master Michael
House of The Wolf

< Message edited by cutesub4Him -- 2/13/2006 6:07:18 PM >

(in reply to VaWolf)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/14/2006 1:47:47 PM   
TyrAnasazi


Posts: 19
Joined: 9/10/2004
From: The Palm Beaches
Status: offline 		Are you a sub or a slave? First of all you have rights until you are willing to submit to the one that you chose that you feel will be that Master. My Mother was the one that started teaching me the lifestyle, and she taught me three major principals. Safe Sane and Consensual. It is not sane to have some man you do not know coming to your home knowing that there may be some possible danger involved. If you do discuss a safe word, Any real Dom is a Gentleman, and will respect when too much is too much. Keep this all in mind. I feel you are very new to the lifestyle and you need to take a step back and evaluate yourself and your needs. You may come out a happier person, and in the long run a much better sub.

_____________________________

Hunc tu cavetto Advocatus Diaboli
Tyr Anasazi

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/14/2006 2:40:11 PM   
petcerina


Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline 		Chosing who I submit to isnt really being a submissive. It means I like to play a submissive role when it takes my fancy.

Choosing who you submit to is being submissive and not being a doormat. It also does certainly not mean you are a bedroom (only doing it when it fits your fancy). i am a Lifestyle slave, but i choose who i submit to because i love that person and i want to give them every part of me. my submission to them is special because it is them and only them that i will submit to. If you do get collared, and another Dom/me tells you to do something, and you knew that your Dom/me didn't approve, would you do it? i know that if i did something like that, i'd get in trouble and if it was severe enough, released immediately.

Let me see if i can put it this way. Whether you believe submission is a gift or not, submission is special. Just like you wouldn't give your virginity away to anyone who demanded it, you shouldn't give your submission to just anyone who demands it. You should give it to someone who will see it and you as special and wonderful. i know you are confused and lost and from what it sounds like, a bit into submissive frenzies. Try to calm down. You have the rest of your life to pursue this goal of finding someone to be with. Take it slow. i've read many of your posts and i'm quite worried about you as a fellow submissive/slave. Please, for the sake of those who are trying to look out for you, be careful.

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/14/2006 3:42:34 PM   
merrynb99


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline 		I think I understand ShivaTS's confusion completely. I'm a new sub, and entering this life is an overwhelming freaking experience! The emotions, the obsession, the desperation and longing. It's so potent and powerful and magic and entrancing and poignant - for the first little while at least - entirely all-consuming.

And you just can't stop thinking about it, and yes, lots of it is about sex, and you go into all these forums where all these great-sounding people have either found their perfect Dom or sub and are living "happily ever after". Or are "still looking". So let me tell you, its really hard to stop yourself from trying to put yourself out to, and meetng everyone of those "still looking"s. And let me tell you, I've arrived at first meetings and "played" straight away, and 99% of these guys are just out to have a great one-night kinky sex thing and then abandon you to a dark alleyway somewhere without a backward glance.

Let me tell you something else - surfing through the Personals ON THIS WEBSITE, I have spotted at lease one of those same guys, in here, "still looking, for his one, his only lifetime love sub". Shall I Name and Shame him? OH I would just LOVE to. You are all sending out messages to us new subs to protect ourselves, yet I feel as if this site harbours some of the very worst of the perverts, undiscovered, predators on the prowl.

It makes me mad. I sympathise with ShivaTS, and I sympathise with everyone trying to give her advice, but in a way she is going to have to figure out the hard lessons I've just learned, by herself:

1. Know what kind of Dom you are looking for. If you read lots, you will learn and come to know what you are looking for and thus, how and where to look for him/her/them. (whether it's munches, clubs, netchat, etc)

2. Engage cautiously. When you have encountered Him/Her (or He has encountered you), don't simply trust his every word unquestioningly. Know now that there are these predators in among us, and watch the signals!

3. When you finally arrange to meet one-on-one, as a new sub the rules of Meet in a Public Place, Let Someone Know Where You Are, and Don't Play on First Meet simply cannot be broken. More experienced lifestylers, sure ... bending is feasible (hehehe). But to us new subs, they should be non-negotiables ...

4. BDSM is NOT comparable to Vanilla interaction. BDSM by its very nature and definition implies an exchange of power that transcends vanilla; that's why it is distinguished from vanilla (surely?). By its very nature, it involves an edge of danger that becomes knife-edge when you are a new sub who doesn't even know properly yet what her limits are!

ShivaTS, I know how you feel. I'm glad I got through my scary, painful, hard lesson. I still haven't found my Dom yet but you know what this lifestyle has done for me that's good?

It's given me hope that He's out there. Stay safe so He (or She) can find you

:)



(in reply to petcerina)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/14/2006 5:33:01 PM   
Zensee


Posts: 1564
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		A sub or slave only owes their submission to the person worthy of it. Until you find that person you don't owe anyone anything.

_____________________________

"Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." (proverb)

(in reply to merrynb99)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/16/2006 2:04:39 PM   
thewarriorwoman


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		My dear SUB,

Truly you have SUB qualities that I can appreciate.

If you really need to have a DOM that is safe for you to explore your SUB side and have the safty of non sexcual encounters, please send me an email.

I am female and I know how you feel. It is very hard as a SUB to find a safe place to explore your needs as a SUB without getting a DOM that wants to take advantage of you.

I can help you with your SUB needs f you would like a safe place.

What State are you in?

(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/16/2006 8:54:10 PM   
ShivaTS


Posts: 132
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Mistress.

You messege brings me joy. I have emailed you for your permission to speak to you.

I hope to hear from you. Again, thank you, Mistress.

(in reply to thewarriorwoman)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/16/2006 9:07:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thewarriorwoma

I am female and I know how you feel. It is very hard as a SUB to find a safe place to explore your needs as a SUB without getting a DOM that wants to take advantage of you.

Sure there is- just don't get into a relationship with one. And you find that out by spending time with them beforehand.

It's not foolproof, but then no relationship type or person is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to thewarriorwoman)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/16/2006 9:34:24 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Thank you Mistress.

You messege brings me joy. I have emailed you for your permission to speak to you.

I hope to hear from you. Again, thank you, Mistress.

(in reply to thewarriorwoman)


Shiva, if you read her profile she is also a submissive looking to be trained.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to ShivaTS)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/16/2006 11:01:08 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		After reading all three pages of this thread, I am shaking my head and thanking my lucky stars. Shiva - how many ways can you say STOP!!!

STOP NOW!!!

STOP THIS INSTANT!!!!

You are being given some very good advice about how to keep yourself safe - you're being given advise about how to keep yourself alive. LISTEN!!! Please stop and listen before it is too late for you.

My 13 year old daughter wants to drive so badly she can taste it. In the morning, she starts the car for me and, every morning, asks if she can drive. Of course she can't. She does not yet know how. She can reach the pedals and turn the wheel, but she has yet to read the training book and she is years away from actually being able to get behind the wheel on her own as she so longs to do.

You remind me of my daughter. If my girl did not know that I would end her life if she dared to change a gear, she might consider trying. If she were not becomng a mature responsible young lady, she'd probably try it. You are acting like a child with no self control, no impluse control. You have found this part of yourself that you wish to explore, you wish to live and are going forward full steam ahead with no clue where you are going, no clue how to get there. You are hitching a ride with any stranger who comes along and offers you a ride to you know not where. You are in such a hurry to reach this unknown destination, you are unsafe; you are a danger to yourself.

Listen to the advise you have sought.

Remove your profiles from all sites. Do it now. Do not respond to those who hit on you in the fora. Do not make any dates. Do not chat. Do not IM. For goodness sakes stop giving out your telephone number and address. Do not interact with anyone who wishes to be your future anything. You are not ready.

There is a current thread initiated by a dom seeking reading materials for his submissive. Check it out. There is a list of several books for submissives - non-fiction - not fantasy about Prince Domly coming to save you, but information books about BDSM, dominance and submission. Buy every one of these books and read them. As you read, take notes in your journal. When you have a question about something you've read, please come here and ask that question. Ask every question you have.

Read and write every day until you have read each of the books and then - continue your study. Check out websites. Read slave and submissive journals. Write in your journal. THINK about what you've written and write and read more.

STUDY what you have read. Make index cards if you have to until you have learned everything in every book and each website. There are some excellent sites and wonderful instructive essays. You are not a healthy submissive. Spend some time with the dictionary and look up the words of this lifestyle. Start with the word submissive. Find its meaning and its etomology. Then move to dominant and abuse and consent and rape and danger and opinion and relationship and no. You need to have a working personal connotative definition for each of these words and any others that you find in your study.

While you are doing this, please feel free to join us here on the boards. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, post a profile or respond to anyone for meets. YOU ARE NOT READY!!!

You mentioned that you read and admired the profile of some of the dominants who have responded to you. What do those profiles have in common? Can you tell the difference between those profiles and those of the potential abusers? What are they saying and what are they not saying?

Educate yourself. Learn who you are - you do not seem to know yet. Learn what you want - you seem to have no clue.

I do think you need to heed the advise of those who suggest a BDSm friendly counselor. Having someone in front of you to talk to who does not want anything of you would be a good think - an objective party.

Be wary of those who offer to train you so you are ready to find your true master. Some people are honest and true in doing so, many are not.

When you are no longer a danger to yourself, when you are educated enough and b]STRONG enough to really be submissive, strong enough to live as a submissive, then perhaps you might try to rewrite a profile and search for the dominant partner you desire.

Until then, please, please, please do not - no matter how safe it seems, no matter how much you want to, feel compelled to say yes - do not.

If you can grow and learn and get over this weak-willed need to say yes to everyone, you may be strong enough to be a submissive, strong enough to have something to offer in an exchange of power.

newflowers

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/17/2006 3:17:20 PM   
DestinyCommander


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS
Everyone keeps saying that I dont have to submit, but in truth I do.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz
Please get yourself some therapy.


Shiva,

I'm new here (first post actually), but I have worked with several people who have self-image issues (on a personal level, not professionally), and you seem like one of them. I agree with Cloudz... get some THERAPY. This goes WAY beyond BDSM or being a sub (or even a slave). I don't mean to frighten you, but an inability to say to no to anyone at anytime will get you killed.

If any of the experienced members here know how she can find a therapist who would be able to work with someone in this lifestyle, that may be useful information for her.

-- Des

(in reply to Cloudz)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: a sub trying to be able to say no to a dom - 2/17/2006 5:41:13 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		Several doms have given you good advice; to wit: That as you said, this is your life and you have to take that responsibly.

Don't give up your power until you know it is safe to do so.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 60
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