Toy Bag Dusty

Toy Bag Dusty (Full Version)

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willing2serve -> Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 8:06:25 AM)
First, let me say...I totally respect, honor, and adore my Master. This post is not for any-type of Master bashing. This post is out of curiosity, not complaining. Master and i have been together a year. I am his slave by O/our own definition. The foundation of O/our relationship has always been control and obedience. Before my Sir, I had been in the lifestyle approximately 5 years with much play and just S&M relationships. Sir is my first Master and has been my only Master, even though I have been in long term relationships with Doms. As O/our relationship progresses deeper in the aspects of M/s, i see the toy bag is getting dusty...The scenes, the play, the S&M aspect is diminishing, but in it's place more control and intimacy is taking over. My Master is more communicative than i am...So we, have discussed this at great length and there is nothing I cannot discuss at Master's feet. I do however struggle with the fact when i do share with my Sir that i miss the play and then He does incorporate the play more. Then i feel somewhat guilty that i asked for things for my pleasure...Self-imposed guilt...nothing from my Sir. I'm just curious if this has been anyone elses experience and if so, what are the possible reasons. i do miss the play but wouldn't trade my servitude for anything in the world, not even for a good ole beating (smile). Please, in your responses, please do not disrespect my Sir or my Relationship. These are two great things in my life...also, do not say talk to your Master (because i have at great length with wonderful communication). I am just curious of the forums responses on toy bags getting dusty.... Respectfully, BTs willing

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 8:19:20 AM)
It's a very common experience and akin to a vanilla relationship getting "in a rut" with their relationships as well. You say you talk to him about incorporating more bdsm into your relationship- how does he respond? Does he say thathe will work on it? Does he suggest that you give him fantasy ideas? Does he suggest you actually set up play dates in advance? Or does he say he will just take it under advisement and then the rush of real life pushes it back under the rug for awhile? Relationships are WORK, sometimes even the fun parts need WORK to make them go smoothly. Is there any reason HE isn't playing as often? How does HE feel about the level of play in the relationship? Does HE think there's been a marked change in the play? Of course things shift and change as time goes on in any relationships, but setting up a relationship with one expectation of regular behavior and shifting into a completely different regular behavior...when that "thing" is something of a priority for you calls for intensive discussion and work, and no, it doesn't mean you aren't being a good submissive.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 8:34:27 AM)
quote: You say you talk to him about incorporating more bdsm into your relationship- how does he respond? Does he say thathe will work on it? Does he suggest that you give him fantasy ideas? Does he suggest you actually set up play dates in advance? Or does he say he will just take it under advisement and then the rush of real life pushes it back under the rug for awhile? Is there any reason HE isn't playing as often? How does HE feel about the level of play in the relationship? Does HE think there's been a marked change in the play? When we discuss the play. Master is very open and quite receptive. We both are very busy professionals and in my humble opinion the time we do get to spend together he enjoys the service aspect, which I do love pleasing him (no question). I think as we are getting more comfortable with each other and meshing our bdsm backgrounds together and coming to a medium plane....We were opposite ends of the spectrum in our backgrounds. He has a control fetish (not control freak..big difference) and loves a service-oriented submissive. Let's face it, I was definitely a SAM and not very much submissive and served as a bottom mainly and heavy into S&M play....So, to me I think this is a result of U/us coming together. By accepting more of His control and intimacy, some of my play is being replaced. When I bring these wants of play to Master, yes, he does respond and generally will incorporate more play...but then, I feel like it's at my request and doesnt seem as rewarding for me because I feel he may not quite enjoy the play as much as I do. As far as ideas, my Master has a wonderful creative mind and when he does go into action....it is TNT! Very explosive..so he does not need my help there (smile) Thank you for your response.

Cloudz -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 9:29:30 AM)
Hi, Would something like the first Saturday of every month is take out the toy bag night? Or every Saturday, whatever suits? It sounds like you simply need to plan for it...just like any other need in a relationship.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 9:36:45 AM)
quote: Would something like the first Saturday of every month is take out the toy bag night? Or every Saturday, whatever suits? It sounds like you simply need to plan for it...just like any other need in a relationship I actually like this idea. I must note my Master and i do not live together, so perhaps a certain day wouldnt work for U/us....but I do like the concept. I will say this, without a great understanding....Master will plan for U/us a day of play and when we get together it turns into something else...just as wonderful, but not the play. Thank you.

KnightofMists -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 10:35:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve When we discuss the play. Master is very open and quite receptive. We both are very busy professionals and in my humble opinion the time we do get to spend together he enjoys the service aspect, which I do love pleasing him (no question). Life's daily grind is likely the biggest reason for dusty toy bags... for those that the play is significant want in the relationship, for both parties, they tend to work thru it more easily, but it's still a challenge none the less. However, when one side of the coin considers the play to be a less significant for themself in comparision to their partner, well this imbalance makes it harder. The person with the less desire, will be less intrinsically motivated to overcome the obstacles of having play. In these situations, it will not be uncommon for the person to be doing it for their partner's need/want more so than for their own sake. In the M/s relationship this causes problems for some.. I will express why in later in this post. quote: I think as we are getting more comfortable with each other and meshing our bdsm backgrounds together and coming to a medium plane....We were opposite ends of the spectrum in our backgrounds. He has a control fetish (not control freak..big difference) and loves a service-oriented submissive. Let's face it, I was definitely a SAM and not very much submissive and served as a bottom mainly and heavy into S&M play....So, to me I think this is a result of U/us coming together. By accepting more of His control and intimacy, some of my play is being replaced. One of the common variables that bring people together... those things that balance us. We are on one end of a particular spectrum and our partner balances us on the other end of said spectrum. Remember thou, we balance our partner as well, it is a mutal balance that both enjoy the benifits to. So, thou he brings more control upon you and you scarifice some play for that, which might be a good thing for you as well. You also give him alittle more balance as well, you bring alittle more play into his life and other things as well. Don't look at it from only your perspective, As you implied in other statements, you have a wonderful relationship, so I expect that the things you bring to the relationship that shift him alittle is a good thing, just as it is a good thing for you as well. quote: When I bring these wants of play to Master, yes, he does respond and generally will incorporate more play...but then, I feel like it's at my request and doesnt seem as rewarding for me because I feel he may not quite enjoy the play as much as I do. Now in a M/s relationship there seems to be this concept that the slave is there to please the Master. Like that should be the only way the street goes. I find it rather troubling this kind of thinking. It is very natural that EVEN the Master takes enjoyment in pleasing as well. In fact it wouldn't want any one to be in a relationship with a Master that didn't enjoy to please from time to time. There is many times that I am willing to do things not for my own intrinsic motivations and pleasures, but for the pleasures of my slaves. My alandra likes to shop, I personally........HATE IT!!! My idea of shopping.."Send Slave to get it!!!" However, every now and again, when I desire to please my alandra, "I will decide" to go shopping with her. Sometimes she might ask sometimes it will be at my suggestion, but either case I make the decision if I will do it or not. Doing things for the pleasure of another is a behavior that demonstrates the Character Strength's of Kindness,Generosity and Compassion. Very good character strenghts to have I would say... I think it rather silly to think that submissives/slaves should have a monopoly on these character strenghts. I suspect that you see your Master as having these character strengths to some degree. So, why should you feel guilty when he chooses to demonstrate these very character strengths that you admire in him! It is of little importance who brings the suggestion, the fact is, he is making the choice to do it or not to do it. When he does choose it, why do you not see the positive demonstration of character of him? Instead you stuck in your own feelings of guilt. Seems to me you are focused on the wrong thoughts! It seems to me you want cake and eat it to kind of thing. You want the more play, but you want him to intiate it! Well that would definitely spare you the guilt, but what feelings is it looking to satisfy besides your desire to play? What feelings are there that you seeking to be fulfilled from him that very likely you don't even realize. Think about it alittle. I don't believe you want to be just rid of the guilty for asking, there is very likely some sort of feelings that you want validated by him intiating the play instead of responding to your requests! edited for a damn typo.. I wonder how many others I missed

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 11:25:33 AM)
quote: Life's daily grind is likely the biggest reason for dusty toy bags... Very good observation! quote: One of the common variables that bring people together... those things that balance us. We are on one end of a particular spectrum and our partner balances us on the other end of said spectrum. Remember thou, we balance our partner as well, it is a mutal balance that both enjoy the benifits to. So, thou he brings more control upon you and you scarifice some play for that, which might be a good thing for you as well. You also give him alittle more balance as well, you bring alittle more play into his life and other things as well. Don't look at it from only your perspective, As you implied in other statements, you have a wonderful relationship, so I expect that the things you bring to the relationship that shift him alittle is a good thing, just as it is a good thing for you as well. Smile...it is a very good thing that he brings control to me. In actuality we complete each other in the middle. I can assure you I bring the excitement and fire to the table and he brings the control so we dont have a huge out-of-hand blaze... You are so correct, we do shift each other that makes our dynamic dance really a beautiful thing between U/us. quote: Doing things for the pleasure of another is a behavior that demonstrates the Character Strength's of Kindness,Generosity and Compassion. Very good character strenghts to have I would say... I think it rather silly to think that submissives/slaves should have a monopoly on these character strenghts. I suspect that you see your Master as having these character strengths to some degree. Yes, my Master is has great character strengths of kindness, generosity and compassion. This is such a minute example, but I've seen Doms love to get into long periods of orgasm denial. I have more orgasms given to me per day by my Master. Not because I deserve pleasure or ask for it...but that he loves the control of giving me pleasure, not that my pleasure is foremost, but he is a very generous giving Master. quote: So, why should you feel guilty when he chooses to demonstrate these very character strengths that you admire in him! It is of little importance who brings the suggestion, the fact is, he is making the choice to do it or not to do it. When he does choose it, why do you not see the positive demonstration of character of him? Instead you stuck in your own feelings of guilt. Seems to me you are focused on the wrong thoughts! Again, you are correct. It is his decision and he does not ever flounder in decisions. He is a man of quiet confidence. quote: It seems to me you want cake and eat it to kind of thing. Wow, have I been told that too many times! LOL quote: You want the more play, but you want him to intiate it! Well that would definitely spare you the guilt, but what feelings is it looking to satisfy besides your desire to play? What feelings are there that you seeking to be fulfilled from him that very likely you don't even realize. Think about it alittle. I don't believe you want to be just rid of the guilty for asking, there is very likely some sort of feelings that you want validated by him intiating the play instead of responding to your requests! AGAIN...TOUCHE'......Given my past, Ive been very dominant with the men in my life and they allowed it...including Doms. I willingly want to give control to my Master and do not even want to come near the line of excercising dominance because it would destroy the respect and reverence I have for him now. Master is the first and only man out of my 37 years that i do surrender willingly and with much peace. I do not want to lose that peace. Thank you so very much for your insight.

proudsub -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 1:06:43 PM)
One thing that has helped us is to purchase new toys frequently, then they get used; also renting or purchasing bondage videos has helped.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 1:09:52 PM)
quote: One thing that has helped us is to purchase new toys frequently, then they get used; also renting or purchasing bondage videos has helped. Thank you for the advice but somehow i got tickled on this one....We do purchase toys and bondage videos...but let's just say we are minnie pearl...they still have the tag on.... big smile Howdeeeeeee

KittenWithaTwist -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/5/2006 9:14:23 PM)
As I'm sure you know, one cannot play all the time. My partner and I have been together for two years, and we may go for a couple of months with no S&M play. My partner is not quite as big a fan of S&M as I am, so usually when we're doing S&M, it is for my benefit more so than his. Not everything can be for my partner's exclusive benefit, as our relationship wouldn't be as strong if this were the case. Don't feel guilty asking for things that you want--instead, understand that if your dom wishes to do something to please you, it is his decision to do so. You aren't forcing him to do anything he does not wish to do by requesting S&M play. If he grants you the pleasure of a scene, be grateful. If he is uninterested in participating, simply thank him for hearing your requests.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 4:17:32 AM)
quote: My partner and I have been together for two years, and we may go for a couple of months with no S&M play. Our relationship seems to parallel here, and the fact that I enjoy the S&M play more as well. quote: instead, understand that if your dom wishes to do something to please you, it is his decision to do so. i do have to keep reminding myself of this. quote: If he grants you the pleasure of a scene, be grateful. If he is uninterested in participating, simply thank him for hearing your requests. You are so correct...grateful is the keyword here.... Thank you so much for reenforcing what i do know but dont apply.

RavenMuse -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 4:47:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve quote: instead, understand that if your dom wishes to do something to please you, it is his decision to do so. i do have to keep reminding myself of this. I have been in situations where my partner has had needs or wants that I haven't been overly interested in and I have indulged those needs from time to time. But don't think such situations are entirely for the sub/bottom benifit, even though I wasn't particularly into the activity itself, I very much enjoyed her reactions to it which made the activity enjoyable for me too..... as well as her rather enthusiastic gratitude afterwards[:D] If she is doing something for me that is maybe out of her 'comfort zone', it is because she wants to please me. If I do something for her that is a little out of MY comfort zone, it is because it pleases ME to treat her and have her smile for ME! Seeing how she reacts when she is realy into something is VERY enjoyable for me and well worth pushing my comfort zone a bit occassionaly for.

B1gbear -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 5:36:30 AM)
This is a perfectly natural response to the growing relationship. Your Dom sounds like a Dom who is drawn to the much deeper mental and emotional bonding between Master and slave. This is a good thing. You have to understand that any good thing can become routine and fall into that not done so often catagory. If you love amusement parks, you may go every weekend for a few months, but sooner or later you will slow down and stop going so often. Does it mean amusement parks are falling into the past? Not necessarily, but balance must be maintained with everything. I was very involved with a dungeon in my area for a few years. I was so involved that I was there several times week for the last year it was open. I taught the orientations, worked on one of the committees and attended most of the play parties. After a while it was just my club, not a thrill nor did I even have a desire to do any scenes, just watched and socialized. After leaving that club it took a while before I wanted to do a lot of scening again. Eventually finding balance. Often, real life outside the scene can make regular play sessions difficult as well. There is no harm in expressing a desire to keep them a big part of your dynamic, just understand that there is more in life than playtime. Sounds like you got a real great thing going with your Master, He listens, communicates, and works to give you what you need. That's a lot more than many have. Take comfort in knowing your no different than most 24/7 slaves. Life is a process of working hard each and every day to find balance and happiness. See it for what it is ... your cup is definately a bit more than half full.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 10:15:03 AM)
quote: even though I wasn't particularly into the activity itself, I very much enjoyed her reactions to it which made the activity enjoyable for me too..... as well as her rather enthusiastic gratitude afterwards If she is doing something for me that is maybe out of her 'comfort zone', it is because she wants to please me. If I do something for her that is a little out of MY comfort zone, it is because it pleases ME to treat her and have her smile for ME! Seeing how she reacts when she is realy into something is VERY enjoyable for me and well worth pushing my comfort zone a bit occassionaly for. Bravo....well, said...... You truly do sound like the philosophy of my Master. Im just internally trying to justify my want of more play..(notice i said want, not need) as Master's slave. The relationship is still very rewarding.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 10:24:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve Bravo....well, said...... You truly do sound like the philosophy of my Master. Im just internally trying to justify my want of more play..(notice i said want, not need) as Master's slave. The relationship is still very rewarding. My questions are: Why are you trying to justify it? Why has his desires for play changed dramatically from what they were? What are his feelings about these changes? What are his goals and desires for the future in regards to play?

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 10:25:19 AM)
quote: Your Dom sounds like a Dom who is drawn to the much deeper mental and emotional bonding between Master and slave. This is a good thing. This is very true!!! quote: just understand that there is more in life than playtime. Sounds like you got a real great thing going with your Master, He listens, communicates, and works to give you what you need. That's a lot more than many have. Take comfort in knowing your no different than most 24/7 slaves. Life is a process of working hard each and every day to find balance and happiness. See it for what it is ... your cup is definately a bit more than half full. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Yes, i have a GREAT thing and if it sounds like i am complaining.. im not at all. I'm really just trying to come to a greater understanding since being from all play relationships in my past to a more rounded fuller relationship now. I am very blessed and grateful to have my Master and want to continue to work hard on a relationship that completes U/us both. Thank you.

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 10:37:01 AM)
quote: Why are you trying to justify it? Why has his desires for play changed dramatically from what they were? What are his feelings about these changes? What are his goals and desires for the future in regards to play? Im justifying because i do not want to be selfish. It "aint" all about me! I do not think his desires have changed dramatically. In our case, our lives are very busy...and I think "time" is the enemy of our play, not the desires as much. However, I will note...my desire for play is probably greater, but he does find enjoyment in it. He recognizes that we have played less and there's always tomorrow syndrome. Which I agree he owns my tomorrow's. I am His present and future. He has some very elaborate scenes planned in the next couple of months at a dungeon we love to go to...However, Im simple...it doesnt take an elaborate scene to thrill me...one touch of his hand, holding a shiny knife works for me..or just something unexpected.....smile. Someone mentioned play is not life. This is so very true. I have had my life centered around play before and I do not want it to go back to that extent. Master knows this...This may be a reason for the dust a bit. There is more to M/s than the play and I am learning those wonderful things as well. The thread was started out of curiosity, again, as I say not complaining...Complaints are handled in the Master department on bended knee...NOT in a forum. I do want to thank everyone for the wonderful intellectual responses.

Wildfleurs -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 12:21:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willing2serve First, let me say...I totally respect, honor, and adore my Master. This post is not for any-type of Master bashing. This post is out of curiosity, not complaining. Master and i have been together a year. I am his slave by O/our own definition. The foundation of O/our relationship has always been control and obedience. Before my Sir, I had been in the lifestyle approximately 5 years with much play and just S&M relationships. Sir is my first Master and has been my only Master, even though I have been in long term relationships with Doms. As O/our relationship progresses deeper in the aspects of M/s, i see the toy bag is getting dusty...The scenes, the play, the S&M aspect is diminishing, but in it's place more control and intimacy is taking over. My Master is more communicative than i am...So we, have discussed this at great length and there is nothing I cannot discuss at Master's feet. I do however struggle with the fact when i do share with my Sir that i miss the play and then He does incorporate the play more. Then i feel somewhat guilty that i asked for things for my pleasure...Self-imposed guilt...nothing from my Sir. I'm just curious if this has been anyone elses experience and if so, what are the possible reasons. i do miss the play but wouldn't trade my servitude for anything in the world, not even for a good ole beating (smile). Please, in your responses, please do not disrespect my Sir or my Relationship. These are two great things in my life...also, do not say talk to your Master (because i have at great length with wonderful communication). I am just curious of the forums responses on toy bags getting dusty.... Respectfully, BTs willing Over the years we have definitely gone less into the toybag, and when we do its usually for a few of our favorites. On the other hand the SM we do is much more hands on, primal. and using just objects that we have around (belts, knives). So really going into the toybag just doesn't feel as necessary. Some of the things that have helped (in terms of going into the toybag or encouraging it) are: 1. Sometimes me just asking him if we can play 2. Going out to a play party. Being in that environment helps encourage us to actually go into the toybag 3. Occasionally me pulling out toys and just putting them out. If he's interested he'll grab one, if not he doesn't. Hope that helps, C~

willing2serve -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 1:20:24 PM)
quote: Over the years we have definitely gone less into the toybag, and when we do its usually for a few of our favorites Im sensing this is quite common. Again, this is not a sign that I see the relationship is in jeopardy at all. I have learned a few things and new insights to some of the advice given here. Thank you.

fastlane -> RE: Toy Bag Dusty (2/6/2006 1:36:52 PM)
I have a dusty toy bag too...but it's me that needs to be dusted off.....I'm allergic to them feathery things...FYI....break out the pnuematic air gun! We all grow dusty at times....blow us and make us smile.... Peace, Kevin

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