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Brief responses - 5/11/2009 10:29:27 AM   
KoolnSassy


Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
Status: offline 		This is directed more to subs - particularly the males. Dominant: So - tell me about yourself - sub: uh well I want to serve you and worship you. It's all about you and blah blah blah - we've all heard it. Then you go on to tell us all about your kink interests and desires. Many of you are professional business men. Why don't you treat your petition/response to a Domina more like a job resume - provide information about yourself that tells us what you have to offer us and why we should take a particular interest in you? I think if you can take the focus off your kinks and think about what you really have to bring to the D's life that makes you more valuable and useful to them, you will probably find yourself more successful with Dominants. Just an idea.

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 10:31:59 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Does this also apply in reverse?  That a dominant should treat his application as a resume?
 
the.dark.

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 10:33:17 AM   
KoolnSassy


Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
Status: offline 		Ha, I'm not the one applying.

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KoolnSassy

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 10:40:07 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Neither am I.
 
But in all seriousness - technically you are.  If a s-type is applying for a job, that job will sell itself to begin with.  If a job cannot sell itself well, then it will get mediocre and/or short term applicants.  If your profile or covering letter doesn't sell, and you are only getting cheap labour, then the onus is on you to sell the position.  It works both ways.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 11:26:53 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KoolnSassy

Why don't you treat your petition/response to a Domina more like a job resume - provide information about yourself that tells us what you have to offer us and why we should take a particular interest in you?


Because I'm seeking a well rounded relationship in which I am the submissive party.  I'm not applying for a "job", nor do I petition people for their interest. 

But I do feel a lot of emails - - in both directions - - focus too much, too early, on kinky preferences.  Big turn off for me, from the start.  A little less of that and a little more humanness would go a long way.


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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 11:32:19 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		KoolnSassy, I understand your point.  I used to have male subs send me their wish lists.  I'd ask, and what will you be doing for me?  The stock answer was "anything".  It came across as insincere and an easy answer, though I am sure that some meant it sincerely.  However, after reading a list of 30 of their favorite things that they wanted me to do to them, "anything" sounded trite.

I would much rather have someone introduce themselves by telling me ways in which they would like to please me and offering me the chance to see what other things interest them than to feel like I'm Santa getting a list of the toys this child is demanding for Christmas.


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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 11:55:39 AM   
KoolnSassy


Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Neither am I.
 
But in all seriousness - technically you are.  If a s-type is applying for a job, that job will sell itself to begin with.  If a job cannot sell itself well, then it will get mediocre and/or short term applicants.  If your profile or covering letter doesn't sell, and you are only getting cheap labour, then the onus is on you to sell the position.  It works both ways.
 
the.dark.

 
I think the onus, as you put it, is expressed well in my profile. My comparison to a job application is simply to say - if responses and introductions would be more on the line of a resume, - in other words providing something that would provide me with a reason to be interested in them, other than "I need, want etc." they'd probably find themselves in demand. But then how would you know?



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If you don't know what you're doing, why do you think I know?

KoolnSassy

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 12:55:10 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KoolnSassy
I think the onus, as you put it, is expressed well in my profile. My comparison to a job application is simply to say - if responses and introductions would be more on the line of a resume, - in other words providing something that would provide me with a reason to be interested in them, other than "I need, want etc." they'd probably find themselves in demand. But then how would you know?


Which is cool for you.  But your statement was broadspeaking.  You stated that people would find they are more successful with dominants - not with yourself.  More successful with dominatns as a whole?  But then, how would you know?
 
I know for a fact that if I had approached Darcy with a resume, he would have balked.  He didn't want an employee, that isn't his swing.  And whilst your suggestion is cool for people with a paperwork fetish, or those looking like you, it doesn't mean it's a cool broad spectrum thing.
 
Writing a good solid letter, regardless of whom you are writing to rocks.  It's not just good advice to s-types, but some dominants could do with some coaching in writing too.  If you recommend this to s-types, recommend it across the entire spectrum, would be my thing.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 2:32:04 PM   
subsubtle


Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Why don't you treat your petition/response to a Domina more like a job resume - provide information about yourself that tells us what you have to offer us and why we should take a particular interest in you?


I do.  

(in reply to KoolnSassy)
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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 2:51:42 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KoolnSassy

This is directed more to subs - particularly the males. Dominant: So - tell me about yourself - sub: uh well I want to serve you and worship you. It's all about you and blah blah blah - we've all heard it. Then you go on to tell us all about your kink interests and desires. Many of you are professional business men. Why don't you treat your petition/response to a Domina more like a job resume - provide information about yourself that tells us what you have to offer us and why we should take a particular interest in you? I think if you can take the focus off your kinks and think about what you really have to bring to the D's life that makes you more valuable and useful to them, you will probably find yourself more successful with Dominants. Just an idea.


What about the dominant person clarifying that with being a bit more specific about what they want the sub to relate about themselves? Do we write about how we grew up, write about how the day went at work, write about mundane events that happened during our day? At least indicate a starting point for us to begin relating a bit about ourselves which may or may not be kink oriented.


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(in reply to KoolnSassy)
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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 2:59:47 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		For those of us on either side who are looking for a relationship that incorporates BDSM, both sides have to "sell" to each other.  "Tell me about yourself" presents a one sided conversation.  I once received an email from a man talking about me making me want him.  Problem was that with an approach like that, I didn't find him to be someone worth wanting to start with.  On the other hand, when emails are exchanged where we each talk about the normal "vanilla" parts of our lives, the chances are better on both sides that there will be in an interest.  Because amidst all the kink, there has to be some common interests about the vanilla things in life.  I'm only speaking for myself, of course.  If all I needed was someone to share my BDSM interests with, it would be easy to find.  But there is a lot more to me, and hopefully to any future partner than that.  Until a relationship is developed, we are just two people who share at least one interest, and he needs to impress me just as much as I need to impress him.

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 3:12:58 PM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline 		Because it's not a job application, as someone else pointed out.

I am so tired of Dommes expecting that  they are so magically special that every submissive male should write them an introductory essay of at least two pages professing their desire to serve and devote themselves for all eternity.

No offense, but most respond to many different profiles that have interest for them, because an initial message on an introduction site is a waste to spend too much time on without knowing if the other person has any basic interest. 

Yet, I keep hearing this same tired complaint, along with the complaint about one or two line responses.  Which completely baffles me.

What do people seriously expect in an initial introduction?

There was a time when I would type out long responses to a profile I thought was a good match.  More than a few times I received "message deleted unread" because, apparently, I didn't meet some criteria that the person failed to list.

Also more than a few times I typed out long, detailed messages to receive a one-line response, like "tell me more " when their own profile offered little detail.  Not to mention the times when there was a complete lack of response.

It's ridiculous to assume that everyone who has some interest is going to offer you every detail of their life when you are just an anonymous person on a website.

(in reply to KoolnSassy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 4:18:46 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		rulemylife, you are right.  It can very difficult to know what to put into an introductory letter.  Say your favorite form of service is licking toes and I can't stand to have my toes licked.  Even though we opened up and shared doesn't mean that your service is something that I am looking for.

What Dommes get tired of is the "do me" types that have long intricate lists of what they want done to them but offer little to nothing in return or vague generalities.  Then there are those that just write "hello" and expect an interesting response.  In the beginning I would write back and ask if there was something that the person would like to say to me and sometimes I would get back something like, "no, just hello".  I started getting so many of those that I just gave up on answering them.

My favorite type of first email was from those who had a question or comment on my journal or profile.  They didn't try to push themselves on me, or to beg me to do things to them, but wrote conversationally and with good spelling and grammar.  "Is that really you in the photo?" is a bad opening question. 

Just tell someone a little about yourself.  "I am an x year old male with submissive tendencies.  I am seeking y.  I would enjoy getting to know you a little better to see if we might be compatible.  I enjoy taking care of a woman, from taking out the garbage to mowing the lawn (or whatever type of nonsexual service you provide) and was hoping that if we click I might get the chance to do those, and other things, for you."  It doesn't have to be long or like a true job application, but something that shows your areas of interest in serving other than in getting off.


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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 4:46:28 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Although I am not a proponent of the " i am here to serve" or the "whatever you want" responses, I am not a proponent of the resume approach ( doesn't alt or somebody do that? seems I've had a few of those sent to Me along the way)--I would rathe glean what I need to know from emails, or chats or conversations--yeah it may eliminate some who don't have the ability of the written expressiveness, but that is My loss.
 
However, I cannot cast aspursions on anyone's attempt to glean information either quickly to cut the chase or to define talking points.
 
Just at least read My damned profile...

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(in reply to KoolnSassy)
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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 8:04:31 PM   
KoolnSassy


Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: KoolnSassy
I think the onus, as you put it, is expressed well in my profile. My comparison to a job application is simply to say - if responses and introductions would be more on the line of a resume, - in other words providing something that would provide me with a reason to be interested in them, other than "I need, want etc." they'd probably find themselves in demand. But then how would you know?


Which is cool for you.  But your statement was broadspeaking.  You stated that people would find they are more successful with dominants - not with yourself.  More successful with dominatns as a whole?  But then, how would you know?
 
I know for a fact that if I had approached Darcy with a resume, he would have balked.  He didn't want an employee, that isn't his swing.  And whilst your suggestion is cool for people with a paperwork fetish, or those looking like you, it doesn't mean it's a cool broad spectrum thing.
 
Writing a good solid letter, regardless of whom you are writing to rocks.  It's not just good advice to s-types, but some dominants could do with some coaching in writing too.  If you recommend this to s-types, recommend it across the entire spectrum, would be my thing.
 
the.dark.


Oy - whatever. I'm not here to argue - if you are - enjoy!

_____________________________

If you don't know what you're doing, why do you think I know?

KoolnSassy

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 8:37:44 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KoolnSassy

Ha, I'm not the one applying.

That says a lot about the kind of men you are likely to attract.


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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 8:44:21 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have told people to think of meeting a dominant as a kind of job interview...  adding that the idea is to create a solid first impression of yourself and your character.   If you want a person to remember that brief contact, and make them want to know more, what would you say?  

Last night I had a 45 minute conversation with a local man, and kink was not mentioned ONCE.  Amazing.  We're having dinner next week.

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 8:56:43 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Just tell someone a little about yourself.  "I am an x year old male with submissive tendencies.  I am seeking y.  I would enjoy getting to know you a little better to see if we might be compatible.  I enjoy taking care of a woman, from taking out the garbage to mowing the lawn (or whatever type of nonsexual service you provide) and was hoping that if we click I might get the chance to do those, and other things, for you."  It doesn't have to be long or like a true job application, but something that shows your areas of interest in serving other than in getting off.



I have found that when I get emails like the one you listed above (changing the terms for a dom sending), I'm much more likely to go look at their profile and see if there is indeed common interests.  For emails like that, even when there might not be, a polite thank you and "sorry we aren't as compatible as you thought" will be sent.

Doesn't matter which side is sending the email, because both sides should be trying to make a good impression on the other.  I can see Dommes' not wanting a laundry list of what the subs kinks are and don't blame them.  On the other side, a sub doesn't typically appreciate an introduction letter telling the sub how they need to be trained to be acceptable.  If both sides make an attempt to be interesting, things will just go so much better.

EDITED TO ADD: A sub wants a dom/me that has something to offer them as well.  We don't serve just for the sake of serving.  If we did, all the jerks in the world would have no trouble getting what they wanted.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 5/11/2009 8:59:38 PM >

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RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 9:32:31 PM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline 		Self disclosure for some can be difficult and sometimes we can under disclose or over disclose. I had a cmail today from a man wanting to know more about me. I told him all he needed to know about me was in my profile. He proceeded to ask what kind of work I do and three things I like about myself and three things I disliked about myself. IF he had read my profile he would have realized that I had no interest in sharing myself with him. Well, I hope my profile has that message.
Sending an email to any D type with a flavor of a job application turns me off immediately, but that's just me.
Why not ask the D type (if not stated in their profile) what it is they would like to know. Everyone is going to be different and not everyone is going to want to know the same thing. Sounds obvious to me.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Brief responses - 5/11/2009 10:22:56 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		To me suggesting that you approach a potential submissive or dominant like applying for a job or a resume is about as ridiculous as approaching them like a doctor. It's just not that sort of relationship.

First and foremost I'm approaching a person, a human being, with nothing other in mind than establishing friendly contact or starting a dialogue. Similarly I'm approached by a human being and offered the opportunity for the same. This is how I see it.

Something else I understand is that when trying to get to know someone or making an approach 70-90% of my efforts are going to end in failure or not really go anywhere, and that the vast majority of those approaching me aren't going to get anywhere with me either.

You see the thing is I'm not looking to be successful with dominants. I'm simply looking to be successful with one dominant who hopefully will turn out to be the right dominant. But the thing is I won't know that until I feel I'm getting to know the right person.

This takes time and effort in getting to know someone, but then again, so does a relationship or a friendship.

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(in reply to KoolnSassy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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