TreasureKY
Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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My apologies if I've gotten the song "Love is in the Air" by John Paul Young stuck in anyone's head.
Sort of. 
After being here over three years, it's something you come to expect... repeated posts asking about love, love's place in a BDSM relationship, and inequities of profession and/or demonstration of love between dominants and submissives.
Generally speaking, responses to those "love" posts contain at least one comment asking "just what is love?" and another saying that "actions speak louder than words". While the question of what love is could be debated until the cows come home, I was somewhat struck by some new thoughts on the "actions speak louder than words" idea.
I've used it myself... actions do speak louder than words. But when it comes to love, I've decided there's really two separate uses for that phrase... though they are related.
The first is the situation wherein, having verbally professed love for someone, it's important that the actions of the professor match his or her profession... in other words, if you tell me that you love me, the way that you treat me needs to prove that out. If you say that you love me, but your treatment of me is hateful, then your actions are speaking louder of disdain than your words that speak of love.
This is essentially saying that the genuineness of one person saying that they love another can be proved through evidence of loving behavior (or conversely, proved untrue by the lack of loving behavior).
However, the second situation (which so often appears here on CM) is when individuals cannot or will not make a verbal commitment of love toward their partner, for whatever reason. Occasionally someone will offer consolation with the idea that, whether or not love is verbally expressed, loving actions have more meaning anyway. In other words, you can't or won't say that you love me, but as long as your actions toward me can be perceived as loving, then I should be satisfied.
Essentially this is saying that as long as one person perceives that the other is treating them in a loving (or caring) manner, that it doesn't really matter if there is any declaration of love.
In theory I wouldn't have any real problem with that, except that it places the burden onto the one who is interpreting the actions.
But just what is the criteria for determining that a specific action should be attributed to have been motivated by loving feelings, rather than some other type of feeling or motivation?
For example...
I take care of Firm's home. I pick up and clean after him, trying to make sure everything is in order and good repair.
Now in truth, I do this because I love him and I want his life to be comfortable.
But it could just as easily be that I do it because it's my home, as well, and I don't like living in a pig sty. It could be that it's my job and what is expected of me. It could be my own sense of perfectionism and pride.
Or it could be any combination of the above (which would be true, too).
The point is that Firm could perceive my actions as being solely due to love, but they could be entirely motivated by things other than love or care for him.
So, the real criteria for determining if actions are "loving" isn't in his interpretation, it's rather in my intention. That's why it's rather important that I communicate just what my intentions are...
Which I do when I tell him, outright and without equivocation, "I love you." 
But withholding or manipulating communication in order to allow a person to come to a wrong conclusion isn't a new concept. It isn't always done with malevolence in mind, but by some it could be perceived as a dishonest. Sometimes we decide that people would be happier not knowing the truth.
lol... It's kinda like the disgruntled husband responding to his wife with, "Love you? I'm with you, aren't I?" (Some who read this are going to understand this concept right away... others will think, "I don't get it. What's wrong with him saying that?", but this post is already way too long.)
For any who might be interested, I thought I'd resurrect some information that has previously been shared here that I believe can be of value to anyone seeking a better understanding of relationships, love and communication. Five Love Languages
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Love is in the Air... - 
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