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White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:10:25 PM

Joseff

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Joined: 6/2/2007
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     Many years ago, while I was coming to terms with who and what I am, I went through a phase where I wasw constantly coming to the rescue of some damsel in distress or another. I repeatedly threw myself into situations where I was basically used by women who inevitably went back to the scum bag who treated tham like trash. Eventually, I accepted myself as I am, and that tendancy in me died off. I always referred to this time as my White Knight period, and pretty much assumed it was unique to me.
     A few weeks ago, however, during a group interview with a friend who is working on her degree, I mentioned this, and happened to notice a couple other dominant men in the group nodding. So, it is not unique to me, so I began to wonder, is it unique to those into BDSM, or just dominants, or just men? I did use the CM search, and though I found several mentions of White Knight Syndrome, most seemed to involve dominant men who want to save damaged submissives. As I already stated, I kind of grew out of it when I started pursuing BDSM as a lifestyle, basically when I started my current relationship, going on 24 years now.
    So, what can anyone tell me about White Knight Syndrome? Does anyone have similar stories?

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Joseff

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RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:21:32 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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It is definitely not unique to any one walk of life. I am a slave leaning switch and female. I was in a serious White Knight situation when looking back on my first (vanilla) marriage. The man had been in a deeply disturbed and abusive family, had addictions, and massive emotional issues, but I could save him! Darn right! I could make it all better and give him his happily ever after. I have rinsed and repeated a few times too with others in my life.

I think it is more a need to make a difference and for someone to have a special bond with you. It is about being big enough for your presence in this world to be missed and mourned. It sounds terribly egotistical and even emotionally unbalanced, but it is a pretty human thing. We are human. We only wish sometimes we could be just a tad bit more than that.

lovingpet

(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 2

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:25:12 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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happens all the time in everyone ... ie not just dom /subs ppl in BDSM. it's a personality disorder search it tons of info on it

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 5/11/2009 9:26:19 PM >

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Post #: 3

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:30:30 PM

DavanKael

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Joined: 10/6/2007
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I think that it's pervasive across lifestyles and it's not always a negative thing nor does it always have the results of the rescued one (Not presuming sex as I've been known to rescue folks sometimes too) screwing the rescuer over via going back to the person or situation of peril (Though, often people are attached to replaying their traumas and do just that).
Davan

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(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 4

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:31:49 PM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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Well before reading lovingpet's response I was going to say it was a predominantly male phenomenon, but the more I think about it, the less sure I am...however I am pretty sure it isn't a BDSM thing.

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Post #: 5

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:33:47 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
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I've got a bit of it, although my mother presented it to me as broken wing syndrome, as in I tend to help nurse little birdies with broken wings.

Over the last couple of years, I've made a point to be aware of it, other than that, i don't really worry or think about it. I don't think it's something that is just dom/sub/man/women related, it's just something that people do.

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Post #: 6

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:41:53 PM

darklight17

Posts: 103
Joined: 3/30/2009
Status: offline

The cure is easy- become a sable knight. All this means is that you become more confident in what you are worth. You don't go looking for trouble, or in this case to rescue; instead, you place the shield on your door and wait for someone to strike it with the maul. Then you can answer the call with confidence.

I was rambling, but the damsel in distress these days is often in the distress of his/her own doing. I was only mentioning confidence because it seems to me at least that it is like going after the wounded. Why? Everyone has scars, sure, but getting screwed isn't fun either. I don't think this helped very much, sorry. I just liked reading white knight and using analogies from antiquity.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 7

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 9:47:05 PM

DoreanGrey

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/22/2008
Status: offline

This sounds very much like a tendency I find in myself, going back through relationships in early high school. I've always been a bit of an activist and an idealist, and someone who would catch my attention always seemed to be in distress.

Perhaps there is something egotistical about it as LovingPet said, but I figure I do the things I do so that this world will know it won't change me. We are all, after all, here because we have the tendency to live outside some social norms.

(in reply to darklight17)

Post #: 8

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/11/2009 10:04:23 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Joseff

     Many years ago, while I was coming to terms with who and what I am, I went through a phase where I wasw constantly coming to the rescue of some damsel in distress or another. I repeatedly threw myself into situations where I was basically used by women who inevitably went back to the scum bag who treated tham like trash. Eventually, I accepted myself as I am, and that tendancy in me died off. I always referred to this time as my White Knight period, and pretty much assumed it was unique to me.
     A few weeks ago, however, during a group interview with a friend who is working on her degree, I mentioned this, and happened to notice a couple other dominant men in the group nodding. So, it is not unique to me, so I began to wonder, is it unique to those into BDSM, or just dominants, or just men? I did use the CM search, and though I found several mentions of White Knight Syndrome, most seemed to involve dominant men who want to save damaged submissives. As I already stated, I kind of grew out of it when I started pursuing BDSM as a lifestyle, basically when I started my current relationship, going on 24 years now.
    So, what can anyone tell me about White Knight Syndrome? Does anyone have similar stories?

The peculiar thing about "White Knights" is often they are far from being white knights at all. A hand is extended in a time of trial or distress and the woman takes it, thinking the man coming to her aid is noble, but only later realizes this man in "shinning armor" is just helping her to help himself. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Clever females play these pseudo saviors by using them as just another means to an end—even if it means ultimately returning to the original conflict.

I'm not sure what your situation was, but it's important to note that many men who think they are righteous could often use some honest self observation about their own motives. Sometimes the "White Knight" is really a well intentioned predator.

< Message edited by MarcEsadrian -- 5/11/2009 10:43:17 PM >

(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 9

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 12:48:54 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

quote:

ORIGINAL: Joseff

     Many years ago, while I was coming to terms with who and what I am, I went through a phase where I wasw constantly coming to the rescue of some damsel in distress or another. I repeatedly threw myself into situations where I was basically used by women who inevitably went back to the scum bag who treated tham like trash. Eventually, I accepted myself as I am, and that tendancy in me died off. I always referred to this time as my White Knight period, and pretty much assumed it was unique to me.
     A few weeks ago, however, during a group interview with a friend who is working on her degree, I mentioned this, and happened to notice a couple other dominant men in the group nodding. So, it is not unique to me, so I began to wonder, is it unique to those into BDSM, or just dominants, or just men? I did use the CM search, and though I found several mentions of White Knight Syndrome, most seemed to involve dominant men who want to save damaged submissives. As I already stated, I kind of grew out of it when I started pursuing BDSM as a lifestyle, basically when I started my current relationship, going on 24 years now.
    So, what can anyone tell me about White Knight Syndrome? Does anyone have similar stories?

The peculiar thing about "White Knights" is often they are far from being white knights at all. A hand is extended in a time of trial or distress and the woman takes it, thinking the man coming to her aid is noble, but only later realizes this man in "shinning armor" is just helping her to help himself. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Clever females play these pseudo saviors by using them as just another means to an end—even if it means ultimately returning to the original conflict.

I'm not sure what your situation was, but it's important to note that many men who think they are righteous could often use some honest self observation about their own motives. Sometimes the "White Knight" is really a well intentioned predator.

I see this all the time, especially within the BDSM community. If you see a pretty female who is having a hard time then you can bet your life she is going to have a number of rescuers following close behind. Of course they have an agenda and even if they don't get the leftovers they are after, they will still be ego boosted by the reputation they form for helping her. Its a no lose situation.

Wherever you find a victim, you will likely find a rescuer and that's all well and good so long as that rescuer doesn't continually look out for victims. Those sort of people, as Sailing Bum stated, have a recognized medical condition.

This is worth a read http://psychcentral.com/library/id88.html

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 5/12/2009 12:58:19 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 10

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 1:14:44 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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i dont think any of us are particularly immune to wanting to reach out a hand to someone.

you see someone crying on a park bench and you want to go over and put youre arm around them - i think its a natural thing.

im more cynical of the venus fly trap syndrome

- designed to attract the shining white knights in the first place. my bro went out with one of these, she was about as helpless as a great white shark - cept she was 7 stone nothing and eat like a bird. but my god she was a manipulative little cow! ill never forget that camping trip, never, never never never!

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 11

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 2:58:59 AM

EmelineRose

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/12/2009
Status: offline

I have known quite a few male Dominants who had WKS. It makes perfect sense as dominant personalities are often also defender personalities. Unfortunately rather a lot do seem to end up feeling used in the end especially by that small subset of "professional victims" but I have known some happy endings - those where the WK and the damsel in distress as it were ended up together permanently and formed a very good and rewarding relationship.

(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 12

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 3:22:39 AM

Zechriel

Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Good morning!
That seems to be my problem in life, I have way too much empathy. It is my nature to help people, to take care of them. Inevitably, most do turn on me, go back to their bad situation, or whatever, leaving me feeling like, "what could I have done more? Why do I always care so much only to get burned." Whether it is strangers or friends or family(which only makes the betrayal sting more) I always jump right in with both feet. I have learned to accept it, like you have, but slowly realizing which battles to take and which to not. Case in point, this year I am finally selling off all the baby things (highchairs, cribs, clothes, etc) since I have realized that although I love taking care of down and out single moms, getting them on the right track, being the safety net seems to leave me more torn in the end rather than happy. No more.

Maybe it is our age-being older, or our sign-water signs are so emotional that although it is a burden to always put our best out there and know it is another risk, we still do it b/c it is part of who we are. Funny how you mentioned that alot of Doms are like that, and that is what makes them great Doms...one Dominant told me that is why I am a slave not a sub b/c I have to make everyone happy even if it is impossible. There is no way to turn it off merely to heave it aside when we realize it is a lost cause. And even that feeling of not helping hurts too. lol Good luck!

Love,
Zechriel

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(in reply to EmelineRose)

Post #: 13

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 4:02:59 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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I agree very much with what MarcEsadrian said, and although that's one thing I've never fallen prey to myself, I have seen it time and time again. I usually refer to this type as the "savior". And many women are the perfect counter-part ("damsel in distress") to this, believing that their savior came along when they were at the lowest point in their life and showed them how to love again and yada yada yada. The whole thing seems kind of dishonest to me, but I suppose it's a desireable psychological dynamic for some reason.....the savior and the saved, the protected and the protectee etc... It works for a while, and then it crumbles and the damsel is left in an even deeper pit of depression than before and the knight is off to find his next fool.

(in reply to Zechriel)

Post #: 14

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 4:23:55 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It's common for men and women to be drawn to people who need them. Who are in worse shape than we are, because we feel better about ourselves when we compare ourselves to those worse off, and we get a boost of self esteem by saying "See how wonderful I am, I can help this person". It's a very codependent way of relating when you need them not to change in order to feel good about yourself.

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(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 15

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 4:30:59 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
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I find it more with newer Dominants, male and female--"hey I can't find what I want out there, I'll make it, create it, rescue it, mold and shape it, it will have all the characteristics that cannot be found out there"--

Then one can ony hope, reality sets in and the dust settles a bit to realize relationships and the people in them don't really change inside these hallowed halls. Its simply a means of defining the framework of a relationship, not giving it life.

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(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 16

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 5:07:34 AM

frankieboy52

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Joined: 4/29/2009
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i am submissive and in a bad marriage which i am trying to leave(it is getting closer to ending by the way)...i absolutely refuse to be rescued by anything or anyone.what i seek is renewal...a breath of fresh air...that and only that would be the foundation of any working relationship and from there add on what ever is needed by both..but i can't step forward without a renewed faith and trust in another.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 17

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 6:26:04 AM

Antheia

Posts: 66
Joined: 2/11/2009
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Yes Joseff. I have a good friend who has White Knight Syndrome but I wouldn't say that to his face. Because he really beleives he is helping and many times he has. He is into the lifestyle but it is just not submissives he attempts to help. It is vanilla ladies as well. I often sat back and watched a woman take him for a ride because she had a failed marriage or she was raped when younger or her father beat her when she was younger. Or the Oh I can't do anything for myself" kind of woman. I admit some of the women did actually have problems with what they had gone through but my friend could not help them, He could be there for support but they needed more help than he could give. But he sure tried.
Then there were other women who told a good story but then used him for all they could get . Then I saw the hurt in his eyes.
How many here have gotten c mails from some submissive in another part of the world who has so many problems and needs someone to save them.Who wants to be their sub and talks about serving and all it means. Then when push comes to shove they want you to send money so they can come to you. Makes me wonder just how many actually fall for that and how many of these subs do or would take the money and run?
A.

(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 18

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 6:28:56 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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It's not unique. Many Dominants go through the 'white knight syndrome'

Some, like yourself, come to realize what they are doing and change their behavior; some don't.
Some enjoy being the rescuer. Some don't.

Either way, it is what it is; and people are what they are.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Joseff)

Post #: 19

RE: White Knight Syndrome - 5/12/2009 6:37:57 AM

CatdeMedici

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To add to Irish's post---

Dominant does not equate to: " I can or am willing to rescue you or solve all your problems"

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I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 20

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