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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 8:07:47 AM

Rainfire

Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

We've never come out and made a public announcement about our preferences but at the same time, we don't hide it. I wear my collar proudly even though some people don't understand it's meaning and significance. Others have a clue but either are too discreet or afraid of asking us directly while others just ignore it as being "too out there and bizarre and/or freakish". To a lot of people, we appear to have a very traditional marriage of me staying home and caring for Him and the house while seeing to His needs first.

There are times and places for privacy and other times when it doesn't matter as much. I would never force the issue but as others have stated, if we were in obvious and direct disagreement on privacy, then I would probably just give a polite answer of "I'm sorry, we're not compatible." My parents have very strong views and don't see my lifestyle as BDSM but instead would see it as me being abused and too afraid to leave the man beating the shit outta me. Since my dad is dying, I'll just avoid any hurt to him and what my mother doesn't know about, she can't bitch at me about!

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 21

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 8:18:14 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I would choose someone who shares the same values as I did on issues such as privacy and if it's a huge deal to be discreet I'd make sure they knew and agreed not honoring my need for privacy was a deal breaker and I would not be involved with someone who didn't feel my need for privacy was important. And then you would never have to choose what to do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Communication et al. I am well aware. Still the occassional conflict of interests can occur. What do you do when you have to choose?

lovingpet

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 22

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 8:49:45 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

I think if your married to your partner no one would even care but if your playing with all kinds of peeps and being permiscus in all kinds of levels to the point where it was public and on every level i thi nk it might cause concern to family and friends

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 23

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 8:55:51 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

while you cannot forecast all future possibilities, situations of this nature should be discuss before a collar or relationship has been undertaken. particularly if one faction of the pairing is very open regarding their sexuality. even in the instances where both are new to the lifestyle, a dialogue should occur. as some are very private and will need time and some prodding to be more expressive.

i'm on the fence here. it really depends on the dynamic in the end. if the person is involved in a relationship where they have assigned certain rights to the dominant and agree that includes pushing them on issues that are uncomfortable or even frightening, that's another thing altogether. regardless of the factors, a lot of discussion should take place at the onset and as the relationship unfolds too.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 24

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 9:10:28 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I run a group so I am more or less "out" among them. But I am a private person with a disregard for anything that smacks of `15 mins of fame' Heck, I don't even do myspace, facebook, myfamily, ect. I don't understand the mentality of people who feel they must be in your face or in the face of countless strangers. Men who have been in my life were there because they share a similar mindset as my own.

For me this is a compatibility issue.
Kyst

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 25

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 9:54:46 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

i would guess that for the most part, some (if not many) people are private with their lifestyle choice. if i go out w/ my sub/slave, there is going to be a certain level of discreetness for what we do...even if protocol is on. i would definitely think that both would have mutual respect for privacy and discuss the issue before getting involved. and yes, things may change, but discussion on it should precede.

in the face of conflict...compromise should be made.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 26

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 10:45:24 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I was thinking about how some are quick to violate the deeply personal choice of their partner to keep their preferences private.

Regardless of the position, I just really believe folks have to have some ability to determine what is best for their particular situation.

It is a common thing to come up on the boards that a dominant wants the submissive to wear a very obvious collar, have to go to vanilla events where marks will show, and other things. Then there is an ackward position created. Comply or keep a very intimate area of your life private which would require disobedience.
What do you do when you have to choose? What would be some good reasons for forcing this particular issue? What responsibility do you take for fallout you cause in others' lives (I am presuming the person means enough to you that you care)?

If a dominant can't find a collar that can pass as jewelry in public so that it can be worn daily, then I'd say this isn't a very creative dominant. And if the sub can't figure out a socially appropriate outfit that will cover the marks of last night's play, then the sub isn't particularly creative either. Both of them need to get a clue.

However, I think the question goes deeper than such superficial issues. To me, it seems a question of who's rights are more important -- the person who wants to be private or the person who wants to be open? And what happens when they come into conflict? As the cliche goes, your rights end at my nose. So, while you (general) have the right to privacy, you don't have the right to demand I keep your secrets for you. You can ask, of course, but by the same token, I can refuse. If you have a problem with that, then you need to go live your life where it will not interact with mine. We're just not going to be compatible in any way and it will be healthier for both of us if we're not in close proximity.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 27

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 10:59:40 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I have to agree with the last two comments. In fact, I even have it in My profile that if you are not "out" there's no way that it's going to be possible to play. I completely get that some people have reasons that don't allow them to be as open publicly, but that in itself creates a huge compatibility issue with Me.

Well, I'm going to agree personally with all three of those comments. But for Carol, I have to point out a totally different spin on this. She and I have talked at length. I am confident that there is nothing that she is embarassed about in our relationship. But she still doesn't want to be out. I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with imposing on other people. Like perhaps, "They shouldn't have to deal with my non-conformity if they don't want to." In her case, it's all about not wanting to impose and I think it connects in with her submissiveness somehow (Carol being globally submissive in many ways, not simply to me). So there, at least, is an example of a motive for this that does not necessarily speak of some sort of conflict with WIITWD.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 28

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 11:17:07 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I don't think it's about can't find one but what the dominant wants and exerting his authority in the relationship . If he wants a potential to wear a big honking dog collar that looks like a dog collar, Then that's his right to insist on and if you agree to it that's what you'll wear, not something that looks like a piece of jewelry. He of course should be realistic enough to know it may lower the numbers of submissives to choose from, but it's certainly not a lack of creativity in my opinionto expect a sub to wear a specific collar the dom wants her to wear. Why is it always called lack of creativity or insecurity or what ever it is that comes up any time a dom expresses the way things will be, IE having full controll over who you can contact and who you can not contact, or even the type of collar you will or will not wear if you agree to the terms of his dominance.

It's just another way for a dominant to exert authority and his power.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

If a dominant can't find a collar that can pass as jewelry in public so that it can be worn daily, then I'd say this isn't a very creative dominant.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 29

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 11:24:22 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

The problem here is i'm out to all my friends and some of my family. So if you are in a relationship with me you're automatically out to those folks too, since they know i don't do nilla dating.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 30

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 11:29:57 AM

silvermuse

Posts: 259
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

We're out to friends, family and people we work with. It's not 'in your face', but it's not hidden.

_____________________________

There is darkness and there is evil, never mistake the two.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 31

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 11:40:16 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

I don't think it's about can't find one but what the dominant wants and exerting his authority in the relationship .

Why is it always called lack of creativity or insecurity or what ever it is that comes up any time a dom expresses the way things will be, IE having full controll over who you can contact and who you can not contact, or even the type of collar you will or will not wear if you agree to the terms of his dominance.

It's just another way for a dominant to exert authority and his power

If that's the only way for a dominant to exert his authority, then he's a pretty piss poor dominant, IMO. I can find any number of dog collars that are clearly designed for dogs but still look like a necklace. Rhinestones are great for this and so is chainmail. Google is often a dominant's best friend. And, it's always possible to have one collar for home and one for public wear. IMO, if the dominant isn't willing to compromise even the smallest bit on something so trivial as whether or not the collar can pass for jewelry in mixed company, then he needs to go back to dominating his right hand because he isn't ready for anything but fantasy.

However, I don't think the style of collar is the primary issue. As I said, the question goes deeper than superficial things like collars or marks. It's a matter of compatibility.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 32

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 12:24:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, I'm going to agree personally with all three of those comments. But for Carol, I have to point out a totally different spin on this. She and I have talked at length. I am confident that there is nothing that she is embarassed about in our relationship. But she still doesn't want to be out. I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with imposing on other people. Like perhaps, "They shouldn't have to deal with my non-conformity if they don't want to." In her case, it's all about not wanting to impose and I think it connects in with her submissiveness somehow (Carol being globally submissive in many ways, not simply to me). So there, at least, is an example of a motive for this that does not necessarily speak of some sort of conflict with WIITWD.

My regards to both you and Carol.

I must be confused in some way. Perhaps you're speaking as being out as in regards to friends and family? Unless I'm mistaken, I recall reading about you attending gatherings with other like minded folks in the past.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 33

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 12:43:37 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

The problem here is i'm out to all my friends and some of my family. So if you are in a relationship with me you're automatically out to those folks too, since they know i don't do nilla dating.

See, this is pretty much my situation as well. I write and speak publicly on a lot of this stuff, so if you're associated with me, you're sort of "out", because people know me, and know what I believe and what I practice and the kinds of folks that I get involved with... so if nothing else, you're "out" as associating with a fringe-jobber.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 34

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 12:46:15 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Yes, but that's because you want to. I can too, hell I don't even need goggle just go into any pet store with a decent amount of collars and different types.

The hypothetical dom in question may not want to find dog collars that look like jewelry, Perhaps big ugly obviously doggie collars are one of his fetishes. It's not the ONLY way to assert authority, but it is one way.

and yes it goes deeper, than that, it's more compatibility than collars.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

I don't think it's about can't find one but what the dominant wants and exerting his authority in the relationship .

Why is it always called lack of creativity or insecurity or what ever it is that comes up any time a dom expresses the way things will be, IE having full controll over who you can contact and who you can not contact, or even the type of collar you will or will not wear if you agree to the terms of his dominance.

It's just another way for a dominant to exert authority and his power

If that's the only way for a dominant to exert his authority, then he's a pretty piss poor dominant, IMO. I can find any number of dog collars that are clearly designed for dogs but still look like a necklace. Rhinestones are great for this and so is chainmail. Google is often a dominant's best friend. And, it's always possible to have one collar for home and one for public wear. IMO, if the dominant isn't willing to compromise even the smallest bit on something so trivial as whether or not the collar can pass for jewelry in mixed company, then he needs to go back to dominating his right hand because he isn't ready for anything but fantasy.

However, I don't think the style of collar is the primary issue. As I said, the question goes deeper than superficial things like collars or marks. It's a matter of compatibility.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 5/12/2009 12:49:35 PM >

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 35

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 1:09:51 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

I don't think it's about can't find one but what the dominant wants and exerting his authority in the relationship .

Why is it always called lack of creativity or insecurity or what ever it is that comes up any time a dom expresses the way things will be, IE having full controll over who you can contact and who you can not contact, or even the type of collar you will or will not wear if you agree to the terms of his dominance.

It's just another way for a dominant to exert authority and his power

If that's the only way for a dominant to exert his authority, then he's a pretty piss poor dominant, IMO. I can find any number of dog collars that are clearly designed for dogs but still look like a necklace. Rhinestones are great for this and so is chainmail. Google is often a dominant's best friend. And, it's always possible to have one collar for home and one for public wear. IMO, if the dominant isn't willing to compromise even the smallest bit on something so trivial as whether or not the collar can pass for jewelry in mixed company, then he needs to go back to dominating his right hand because he isn't ready for anything but fantasy.

However, I don't think the style of collar is the primary issue. As I said, the question goes deeper than superficial things like collars or marks. It's a matter of compatibility.

I'd even go a step further with that, why does a collar have to look like a collar? A nice silver or gold chain can be just as symbolic but less "in your face" and can be worn everywhere. What do 2 people need a collar for? To show off or because it has a meaning for them?

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 36

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 1:31:59 PM

janiebelle

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline

Being "out" to people in the life, the ones you would see at various gatherings, isn't really out.
IMO, the real "out" factor is to nilla folks in your life that you choose to make aware of your proclivites.
I, however, am an intensely private person, both because I am more comfortable that way and also out of courtesy.
I don't much care to know what goes on in anyone's bedroom, so I don't figure that anyone really needs to know what goes on in mine.
j

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 37

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 1:48:03 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
My regards to both you and Carol.
I must be confused in some way. Perhaps you're speaking as being out as in regards to friends and family? Unless I'm mistaken, I recall reading about you attending gatherings with other like minded folks in the past.

We are actually out to some of our family and friends and we're not shy about going to munches and whatnot. So for those that won't get their undies in a bundle over it, Carol is fine talking about it. But in situations in which she imagines someone may be offended, then she doesn't want to impose. It took me a while to wrap my head around her reasoning. I'm pointing it out here only because it's an example of a healthy (if somewhat overly meek in my opinion) reason not to out yourself in certain circumstances.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 38

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 2:05:11 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

My friends are liberal on social matters; my family are quite liberal, too.

They wouldn't care either way; they've more important things to think about.

For me, it's a case of having the liberty to volunteer information. I keep many things private, but not out of any concern for what people may think - I simply like to keep a piece of myself for myself.

In terms of coercing someone into revealing parts of her private life to others against her will, I would say that's a cardinal sin.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 39

RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 2:14:01 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Being all in your face obvious could be what gets their sexual motors revving. Not every one has issues with a collar looking like a collar.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I'd even go a step further with that, why does a collar have to look like a collar? A nice silver or gold chain can be just as symbolic but less "in your face" and can be worn everywhere. What do 2 people need a collar for? To show off or because it has a meaning for them?

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 40

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