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RE: Privacy - 5/14/2009 7:19:20 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
She just had her hands full convincing him that she really did need to have this level of privacy.

I think she needs to be a lot clearer about where her line is. Because nobody else gets to decide what my hard limits are. They only get to say that they are okay with them or they aren't. This is a hard limit for her yet he was planning to deliberately break it. She needs to be able to draw a line in the sand and say if you cross this, you are not someone I can trust. She should not have to beg and plead and convince because doing that doesn't convey the message here, that this is a hard limit.

I have a hard limit that a lot of people think is funny. I've gotten emails saying the first thing they would do is break it. Telling me you can't be trusted with my safety is not the way to have a strong relationship.

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Post #: 61

RE: Privacy - 5/14/2009 8:03:42 PM

lovingpet

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It was just like a mental block for him that what he was wanting to do was crossing the line. I'm glad they got it worked out, but I just don't get how this happens.

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Post #: 62

RE: Privacy - 5/14/2009 8:39:50 PM

DesFIP

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He was being an arrogant ass believing that she doesn't know what she's talking about.

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RE: Privacy - 5/14/2009 10:04:12 PM

NihilusZero

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Here is another topic that will have the greater percentage of responses harping about those who would have requirements that are 'too strict'. It's all a matter of preference. Maybe one person wants a relationship that is so admantly the top priority that the expectation is for the other to accept the risk of having decisions impact other parts of their lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with that situation aside from the fact that someone may choose to enter into it without being ready to live up to the requirements.

Personally, I'm at one of the farther ends of the spectrum and, while I may not always choose to have the sub/slave enact the decision that might cause for problems or issues, I expect the surrender and trust to create a default reaction that is of willing and obedient acceptance.

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Post #: 64

RE: Privacy - 5/15/2009 7:54:10 AM

LATEXBABY64

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something about being private add more spice to things why i see both sides to this i have one thing in mind why tell everyone unless your part of that 90s shock me thingy culture shrugs i think there is more to life then about people wannting to know if your kinky or not after all if it was not for mister internet I think there would be a lot less kinky people and no one would care
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Post #: 65

RE: Privacy - 5/15/2009 1:16:43 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Here is another topic that will have the greater percentage of responses harping about those who would have requirements that are 'too strict'. It's all a matter of preference. Maybe one person wants a relationship that is so admantly the top priority that the expectation is for the other to accept the risk of having decisions impact other parts of their lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with that situation aside from the fact that someone may choose to enter into it without being ready to live up to the requirements.

Personally, I'm at one of the farther ends of the spectrum and, while I may not always choose to have the sub/slave enact the decision that might cause for problems or issues, I expect the surrender and trust to create a default reaction that is of willing and obedient acceptance.

This is very much the situation for me. M cares about my *privacy*, more than I do actually.......but he also knows that if he WANTED to *invade* that.....he could.

I can't say that I'd have *willing acceptance* ...because I don't have *willing acceptance* about all sorts of things.....*unwilling acceptance* is acceptable though ..lol

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Post #: 66

RE: Privacy - 5/15/2009 7:06:56 PM

lovingpet

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I have little issue with someone stripping me of my privacy, so long as the rights of others are not violated and the person doing so is willing to take responsibility for the consequences. It seems to me that if one is willing to hang someone out to dry, they would have the courtesy to do so with the other person's well being in mind.

A lot of responses are being based upon the violation of privacy being against the submissive party. I have helped in that process I know. I did so because it was a bit easier to think of examples and the particular situation did involve potentially exposing a submissive. What if it happened the other way and a dominant became open to public awareness that was unwanted? Let's just say the dominant came to this situation in an attempt to meet the submissive's needs and not from some malevolence on the submissive's part.

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Post #: 67

RE: Privacy - 5/16/2009 7:54:47 PM

DesFIP

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Stripping my privacy is one thing, impacting others who have not consented is something else. Somebody who chooses to strip my privacy at the cost of my children's happiness is not someone I can respect.

I know people who would lose custody of their kids if this kind of thing happened. You could lose your job in certain fields by having privacy stripped. If a dominant chooses to cause these kinds of repercussions I would expect him or her to pay the costs associated, legal fees to fight back for custody, expected earnings for the rest of their life if they no longer can work in their field.

Unfortunately the people who are most inclined to do such things are least likely to take responsibility for them.

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Post #: 68

RE: Privacy - 5/16/2009 8:03:19 PM

lovingpet

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I completely agree. That is why I am not with anyone who would do such a thing. Those I interact with care too much for my well being to put me through that and, if it happened accidentally, would be right there fixing it as much as they were able. I have communicated the what and why when it comes to my privacy boundaries and they have been fully acknowledged and accepted.

Non consenting folks and my children are two groups that form my primary basis for such limits. I don't ask much. I expected those things to be respected.

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Post #: 69

RE: Privacy - 5/17/2009 12:40:36 AM

DemonKia

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FR, after read thru

Yeah, I gotta chime in about the consent thing. The scenario sketched by the OP sets off my non-consensuality alarms about all the ostensible vanillas being exposed without their specific informed consent to be impacted. & particularly my alarms are blaring about that imposition being marks from SM play (abrasions, bruises, etc), with the potential to get the cops & / or social services dragged in, too, for good measure. & the participation of the cops & / or social services in that potential scenario would most definitely not be 'consenting' under how I think of the concept, even if dealing with dysfunction & etc is part of their job description . . . .

I'm 'out', but since I've been regularly shaving my head for better than 10 years now, & am currently sporting a pink mohawk (pics to be updated at some point soon), my being out is sorta ancillary. I am visibly 'other' by choice . . . . . . & so everybody can see that there's something non-traditional going on here . . . . .

I, however, really value letting the 'blind' stay that way if that's what they want, & that is indeed one of the ways that I see this membrane between 'kink' & 'vanilla' . . . .

There are many ways to communicate about this stuff. In real life, my pink hair is an alarm system that keeps the easily offended, et al, on notice . . . . & there are ways of feeling out people's receptivity to hearing radical notions of whatever kind . . . . . I prolly have to devote far more 'closeting' energy to my political, social, & spiritual opinions than I do my kink & sex stuff, but all of that is stuff I have no interest in sharing with anything but a reasonably receptive audience . . . . . So I've gotten some skills at figuring out who might be receptive & who prolly doesn't wanna hear about it . ..

& *chuckles* I do my own variants on the method discussed above, when I get to that place with someone who might be open, the opportunity presents, & I generally ask, 'do you really wanna know?' with a wicked gleam in my eye & a seriousness of tone, portentous, ya know . . . . .. & sometimes they've said yes, sometimes no, sometimes they've been happy they asked, sometimes they regret asking . . . . . But this is just as true of my political, social & spiritual stuff, as the kink stuff.

Actually, my numero uno no-one-likes-to-talk-about topic these days is 'death' . . . . I've had a lot of it in the last few years, & it can render one 'radioactive' in a way that the others don't come close to, but that's a whole 'nother thread . . .. .

Anyways. Consent. In all matters I'm a bit of a stickler for consent. Explicit, informed consent. Definitely one of my pet peeve areas . . . . .

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Post #: 70

RE: Privacy - 5/17/2009 4:00:01 AM

TexasMaam

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Exhibitionism is a fetish, like any other.

If you're not suited to that fetish, it has to become a hard limit, because it's a dealbreaker.

When you find yourself in the company of those whose exhibitionism is more important to them than their relationship with you, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

There is always a debate between those who are completely 'out' with their lifestyle and those who fear the consequences of discovery in their professional or personal life.

In a way, I envy those whose sense of self is so absolutely uncompromising that they are completely open with everyone they come in contact with, they live the lifestyle 24/7 on a level that I can only imagine.

On the other hand, I know that the finer points in life that I enjoy, the arts, my community, local politics, etc, are possible only because of the vanilla public persona that I maintain.

Once you have been 'outed' to your community or a circle of vanilla friends or associates, there's no going back. Casualties follow. Some people can live with that; I choose not to pay that price. After a few hard lessons in life, I became fiercely private where BDSM is concerned and have kept it a closely guarded secret that only a few trusted friends and family are aware of.

Imagine My disappointment when a dearly loved sub wanted so much to 'live out his fantasy' that he met me in a parking lot wearing nothing but a pair of lady's slippers and his collar.

That would have been fine if we'd been in outer Siberia somewhere. But we weren't, we were in My hometown.

My hometown, where passers by would have instantly recognized Me, where a call to the police about indecent exposure could have been made at any moment, where I could easily have been front page news on tomorrow's daily edition.

He was so focused on his own fantasy that nothing else concerned him. He never even considered any negative consequences to his actions.

If you're asked to publicly disclose your submissive persona and you're not ready or willing to do that, it's time to find a different partner.

Set your boundaries and make it clear, before a first meeting, that public discretion is a hard limit.

You'll find BSDM partners and friends who will honor that.

TM

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