I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (Full Version)

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SilverWolfe69 -> I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:07:07 PM)
I met someone when I was 15 and married him when I was older. We've been together for six years and have a one year old daughter. I love them both so much, but for the last few years I've been really unhappy with him. It started with little things but now it's almost everything. I find my self blowing up all the time. I don't want to leave him, but he leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Sexually, emotionally, and financially. I want my little girl to grow up with her father. I want her to have at least a somewhat normal life. But does it have to be at the expense of my happiness? There are so many things I want out of life and I can't get them with him. I don't want an affair, but I don't think things will ever change for the better with him. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any suggestions?

AngelGeena -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:13:54 PM)
The first question is always, have you talked this over with him? Does he really know how you feel and what you want?

ShaharThorne -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:19:27 PM)
I suggest marriage counseling if not for the both of you, then for yourself. Also get yourself checked out with a doctor since this is apparently a personality change you are enduring. Shahar

bamabbwsub -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:21:24 PM)
I agree with AngelGeena's post. Once he realizes that you aren't happy with him (and perhaps vice versa), I would recommend couples counseling. I personally don't recommend a religious counselor, since most religions don't approve of divorce, if it comes to that. I'd go see a licensed marriage counselor who can view your relationship from a more neutral standpoint. If for some reason you can't work things out, I don't think it would be a good idea to stay together just for the sake of your daughter. Kids are very intuitive and observant, and she will definitely know that Mommy and Daddy don't really like each other. What kind of environment is that for her to grow up in? There are times that when couples separate, they actually get along much better; if that could work between you and your spouse, your daughter would probably be happier that her parents were getting along instead of yelling all the time. IF it came down to that. Good luck to you.

littlewonder -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:21:33 PM)
Marriage counseling...either through a therapist or your spiritual counsel...but marriage counseling. You both need to get back to the heart of your relationship.

darklight17 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:22:01 PM)
Can we get a little more info? Is he emotionally apathetic and that is why you are saying that you don't see a change for the better? He's not a talker, but a more work for peanuts and claim fame type? Marriage counseling blows...can't believe that woman told my ex that I would most likely kill her. (that last bit was a joke, sorta)

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:23:46 PM)
quote: can't believe that woman told my ex that I would most likely kill her. Boy, they sure do stick together, don't they?

Kirata -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:24:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilverWolfe69 I met someone when I was 15 and married him when I was older. We've been together for six years and have a one year old daughter. I love them both so much, but for the last few years I've been really unhappy with him.... I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any suggestions? Marriages go through stages. You say you've known him for six years, but you don't say how long you've been married. The first normative crisis usually develops at about 2 years into the marriage. Maybe a little perspective might help. The Marriage Map K.

darklight17 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:26:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda quote: can't believe that woman told my ex that I would most likely kill her. Boy, they sure do stick together, don't they? It's not the fact that she said I'd probably kill her, but it's like, WTF how did she know!

pahunkboy -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:48:53 PM)
...you must be a dynamic person to yourself. Give your life a makeover- you, your role- your routine and your aspirations. Tell him you are excited about your new life- that the world is yours to conquer and you hope he joins you for it. Consider what IS possible in the glass being 1/2 full. Handle it from a positive attitude. This is my life -my family- we will evolve from today to a bright tomorrow. Add some spark. Verbalize things - not to blame but to discover a dynamic way of doing things. The old you is gone. The NEW you is arriving. And the new you is enthusiastic about an improved life- filled with all the things life has to offer. If after- a period of time- he doesnt reflect any make over himself, if he made no attempt to go along with trying to better life- then at that point he becomes dead weight and can be thrown off the ship. Keep in mind that men think differently then woman. facts vs subtleties. Communication is key. I note you are a new mom. If it were me - I would strike up a friendship with other new moms to share advise and camaraderie.

DarkSteven -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:49:44 PM)
You were fulfilled, and now you're not.You've changed, or he's changed, likely both. If you were a member of an organized religion, I'd recommend Marriage Encounter, but I doubt that Wicca offers that. Also... do you have set roles within D/s? Is he a Dom, and you a sub, or vice versa? Clear roles would make resolution easier.

LafayetteLady -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 8:52:54 PM)
Well on your profile, you list yourself as bisexual. Is this something you recently discovered about yourself? If not, then you had to realize he would never satisfy that "need" for you, no matter how much he may want to, just isn't possible. You are 21 now and met when you were 15. That's only 6 years. If you have been unhappy the last "few" years, you got pregnant when you weren't happy which isn't a good thing. When we are not happy with our partner and it doesn't get resolved, everything begins to become an issue. One day you can find yourself blowing up over the way he chews his food. These are all just because you aren't dealing with the "real" issues. First you need to speak with him and tell him how you are feeling. Don't tell him during an argument, that is never productive. If you know of things that can happen to improve the situation, then politely suggest them. If you don't, be willing to discuss various things with him. By the way, how is HE feeling about the relationship? Is he happy? Does he think nothing is wrong? You say he doesn't satisfy you financially, but you don't say whether or not you also work. If you don't, then for the sake of your daughter, you need to consider getting a job. It is very difficult nowadays for only one person in a family to be working. Also, if you aren't working, you getting a job can help you to start to feel better about yourself. Even if it is only part time, it will still improve the family's financial outlook. Without details about how he doesn't satisfy you emotionally, it is difficult to suggest what you can do about it. Still you need to discuss with him what your needs are. Men are not mind readers, and I've found most to not notice a lot of things we think they should. If you feel he doesn't listen when you are speaking there can be any number of reasons. Hitting someone with complaints when they walk in the door after work is usually pretty bad timing. Also if everything is framed with "YOU make me crazy when YOU..." he is going to shut down and not listen. No one wants to hear how everything is your fault. Typically if you frame things as "I've been feeling "x" when this happens and it make ME feel", he might be more apt to listen. Men and women don't always view being emotionally supportive the same way. You have to tell him what you need and look for a compromise. As for not satisfying you sexually...was this always the case? How much of that has to do with your being bisexual? Do you "fake it", so he doesn't even know what he is doing wrong? I know this may sound like I'm saying you are at fault for your situation, and I'm not. I'm saying there are two of you in this relationship and in most cases, you both have to take some responsibility for what's wrong. The bottom line is that you need to talk to him and see if things can be worked out. Divorce doesn't mean that your daughter won't have her father in her life. He will just be there in a different way. No, you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness ever. But I there are very few things that you can't do in life because of him, unless he is "forbidding" certain things. Being a single parent is extremely difficult, so don't rush into something unless you are sure. You make no mention of what you have done to try to improve the situation, so I don't know if you've done anything. Nothing improves without communication. It doesn't matter whether you are into this lifestyle or just an ordinary "vanilla" marriage. Without good communication, the relationship will fail.

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:02:35 PM)
Ok. A lot of responses. I will try and cover everything. We've dated from the day we met and have been married for three years. Things started to get bad years ago and have only gotten worse. First of all we have no car and no money. We are living with his grandparents in their den. His mom, 16 year old sister, aunt (who is always angry), and two young cousins also live. Already a lot of stress there. We've been here for several months. He's had only three jobs in about 9 months and didn't hold them for long. I've realized over the years that he is a slacker with no ambition. He just got a job working for a movie theater at minimum wage. He has no work ethic and spends money like it grows on trees. I've addressed this countless times and he either gets angry or upset. He won't let me take charge of the finances. He knows he has a problem and won't let me help. When I try to talk about our problems he gets angry or cries and I feel guilty for bringing it up. We both have trouble with communication. And he seems to think he can solve every problem with sex, which usually ends less than 15 min later. I need stimulation to orgasm, other than intercourse, but he rarely gives it to me. Then when he finishes without me, which is often, he doesn't help me finish. I've had to masturbate so often that it no longer does anything for me. It's so frustrating. If I say something he just apologizes and acts hurt.I need sexual fulfillment as well as emotional and spiritual. We've talked about most of our problems but I haven't told him about wanting others. With no car of our own there's no way to a marriage councilor and no money to pay one. No insurance means no trip to a doctor. I'm at a loss for what to do.

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:05:24 PM)
He also holds me back from any changes I would make by not joining me, or having a lazy negative attitude. He's a night person and I'm a day. That limits the time we have together.

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:06:56 PM)
I also have chronic depression, which make changes harder.

DarkSteven -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:10:01 PM)
Okay. He doesn't like to work, and gets fired a lot. He doesn't want to change. He cries or gets angry when you try to talk. Summing, up, he''s not yet a man. he's still a kid. Are you able to work and hold a job? If do, you can both help your current situation and also make a break work out better for you. Any chance you could control all spending? I assume you're more responsible with money than him? Actually, it sounds like nobody in his family holds down a steady job, and they all mooch off his grandparents.

slaveboyforyou -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:17:15 PM)
I hate to say it, but most of us men are slackers at 21. I certainly was, and I certainly wasn't responsible with money. Of course, I didn't get married or have children. He chose to do that. If he refuses to take care of his responsibilities, I'd say leave him. You can't put your life on hold because someone refuses to get their shit together. 21 or not, he has a daughter. It's time for him to grow up. I'd say that's the first issue you need to deal with. Your sex life takes a distant back seat. You need to start formulating a plan-B. Go back to school or something like that; they have plenty of programs for single mothers. Like I said; if he doesn't want to grow up, than you are going to have to be the responsible one.

Lockit -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:20:31 PM)
Do whatever you can to better yourself. Education, hobby, interest, work... get involved with the community and build a support system for yourself. Don't let him or the situation hold you back in every way. If it means reading to improve yourself, do that. Don't forget to do something phsyical. Walk... if that is the only thing. Start with you. Look into educational programs at adult schools or trade schools and look into grants. You may be able to get help with childcare and transportation. Don't sit and rely on your husband to make you happy. I know what kind of happiness you may be seeking and I am sure I haven't mentioned it, but with husband or someone else, you are going to need the things I have mentioned. The more you are involved outside your situation, the more you may find. Some social services in some places have had a test program for married couples that is basically created for persons like you and in your situation. They offer many things. Call and find out if there is something. Get yourself on a HUD housing list. Even if it is years away, get on a list. Basically work on staying with your husband but be prepared in case you cannot make it work. In other words prepare to leave and make it so you are not like many who are without a car, decent job and trying to raise um's. If you are prepared, it isn't a problem if you don't leave, but if you don't prepare and you do leave or must leave... because you get so worn down that it means life or death to you in your spirit... then your prep work will pay off. I am not saying leave. I am saying work on yourself in case you must leave. If you are active in building yourself, you will have less time to stress, worry and feel bad. You will feel more productive, but like I said, don't forget the physical activity. You have to address everything a human need and that is emotional, mental and physical. Whatever you do, it isn't going to be easy, but you are not alone... there are many who lived through it and worked things out with or without the spouse. But start with you! Hang in there and good luck!

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:21:41 PM)
Another problem is before he got a job he rarely helped with the baby. Now that he finally has one it's gotten worse. When he does do something he huffs about it, or will wait a few minutes and ask me to do it or until I get so frustrated I do it myself.

darklight17 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:23:27 PM)
Look, my ex was a Domme and we were married for 5 years. I paid for everything, and she sat at home doing nothing. She was always depressed, so I figured "Hey, you should get a career or go to school!" So she did, and she was less depressed. Now, I know you have a kiddo and this is slightly more complicated. On the other hand, if you can work and alternate shifts with him or be the sole income, at least you are in a position to walk if you need to. I think that would mean a lot to you in your situation. And let me say this- my marriage ended. I did everything I could, but she cheated on me after displaying several symptoms that you speak of (well sex was okay, but that isn't enough) with him. No one wants to break their vows, but you shouldn't wait for someone to stab you in the back either dear. Good luck.

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