RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (Full Version)

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Lockit -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:27:35 PM)
Stop focusing on what he needs to do. Focus on what you can do. I have watched a lot of very young women do this... you can do it too! Step by step, one day at a time... focus... stop seeing the things that are against you and get out there and find the things that will be for you! YOU CAN DO THIS...

AlexandraLynch -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:33:33 PM)
As a Wiccan priestess who does relationship counseling a lot, your marriage is pretty well dead. You're going to have a lot to do in terms of getting yourself into a good place to raise your daughter and be who you want to be, but you're also young enough that it should be fairly doable. Look into training of some sort; if you can, they're going to need nurses, and there are some programs that will pay back your loans if you work for them, and I believe outright grant money has been made available for healthcare training under the new programs passed recently. It's going to be hard, yes. Hopefully he will step up and be a father and coparent with you. But if he doesn't, you do your daughter no favors by letting her grow up and see that this is how you are when you are married to someone you love.

Aileen1968 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:36:23 PM)
He can barely take care of himself and you expect him to take care of you and a baby??? You are going to have to be the one. Start by telling him what is required in any responsible relationship. Tell him that if he doesn't immediately start fulfilling these requirements then you will leave him. Also inform him that any future wages he earns will be garnished as child support if you do choose to leave him. Don't let him off the hook. Be aware that you too will have to work to help support yourself and your child. You picked him and got yourself into this mess. It's up to you to now get yourself out of it. If you don't like your life then it's up to you to change it.

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:36:34 PM)
Thank you for all the advice and I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it off my chest before I blew up at him. I can't talk to anyone I know because their all biased and have mostly negative opinions. About getting a job. I don't want it to sound like excuses. These are just facts. No one in the family can babysit. No money for a babysitter. He works a flexible shift, which makes it extremely difficult to set job hours. No car and nothing within walking distance. A few other facts I've known I'm bisexual for a while. We always struggle for dominance. He doesn't want to face that something is wrong. I like your idea Lockit. I just wish I had started sooner. I feel like I've reached the end of my patience.

Lockit -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:40:49 PM)
Stop wishing you had done something else in the past. Look foward from now. Social services can help with um care. I know it is hard and the depression can just put you in a place where you don't think you can walk ten feet... but walk it.. and the next day add ten more. Once you have a win... you will see that you feel better. You are doing this not only for yourself, but for your um. Picture her face and know it is up to you and pick yourself up, dust off and get out there! You will be proud of yourself, I promise.

TreasureKY -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 9:56:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pahunkboy ...you must be a dynamic person to yourself. Give your life a makeover- you, your role- your routine and your aspirations. Tell him you are excited about your new life- that the world is yours to conquer and you hope he joins you for it. Consider what IS possible in the glass being 1/2 full. Handle it from a positive attitude. This is my life -my family- we will evolve from today to a bright tomorrow. Add some spark. Verbalize things - not to blame but to discover a dynamic way of doing things. The old you is gone. The NEW you is arriving. And the new you is enthusiastic about an improved life- filled with all the things life has to offer. If after- a period of time- he doesnt reflect any make over himself, if he made no attempt to go along with trying to better life- then at that point he becomes dead weight and can be thrown off the ship. Keep in mind that men think differently then woman. facts vs subtleties. Communication is key. I note you are a new mom. If it were me - I would strike up a friendship with other new moms to share advise and camaraderie. applauds What a wonderful post pahunkboy! Unfortunately, after seeing what further the op had to say, I'd suggest the OP first dump the guy and then follow your advice for herself alone. Silver, dear... I fully understand where you are. I've been there myself (and maybe even not quite in as dire of straights as it sounds you are), and sticking with it didn't help. I just ended up wasting 22 years of my life. I applaud your desire to keep your family together. It's admirable to want your daughter to grow up with her father. Truly. But your daughter deserves to grow up in a happy home. She deserves a mother who can be a role model for her own life. If there's one great lesson I've learned in life that I could share, it is this... You cannot change anyone. You cannot make them want to change. All that you are able to do is change yourself, how you react, or change your own circumstances.

SilverWolfe69 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 10:05:59 PM)
Thank you for that. I'm going to talk to him tonight and lay it out strait. Maybe even have him read the posts. I'd hate to have spent 6 years with him only to just pack up and leave. I want to give him one last chance to jump on the band wagon before that ship sets sail for good. He loves his little girl and told me in an argument that he would fight for custody if I ever left. I've got to stop implying things and lay down what I expect and where I want to go with my life and hope that he wants to be a part of it. If not then it just wasn't meant to be and we would both be happier apart.

LafayetteLady -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 10:07:46 PM)
Your situation has a lot to do with your depression. Getting out and getting a job, going to school, etc. will help with the depression. Every county in every state has a social services office and usually can either help with transportation to get you to them or they come to you (it's a requirement of the program). There is a houseful of people who can help watch the baby so you can do these things. If NONE of them are trustworthy enough to do that, you need to re-evaluate the living situation for the safety of that child. She is priority number ONE. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you met him when you were still a kid and married him when you were barely not a kid. While it does sometimes turn out well, the odds weren't in favor of that. But that is water under the bridge. You did it, and now you can only move forward. Like Lockit, I'm not saying up and leave him. I am saying that you need to work on YOU. YOU are responsible for your own happiness and future, no one else. Use your computer for more than coming here. The internet puts all the information you need at your fingertips. If you aren't getting medication, social services can help with insurance for you and your daughter. I found this http://www.socialwelfareservices.org/Texas/ I'm not from your area, so I don't know what's close to you or not, but Fort Worth has several offices according to this site. Here is the link for the Division of Health and Human Services for your state: http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/ They can help you get WIC for your daughter, food stamps. They even can help with housing and a plan for the future. It can be difficult to get them to give you help sometimes, but if you keep trying, eventually you get what you need. In my state, we have a program called Project Self Sufficiency, which is designed for women to help them better themselves by getting their GED, further education, training. I'm sure your state has something similar and your local DHHS office will be able to tell you about it. The key is get up and go find it. A great many men don't help the way they should with the children. It sucks, but you are not going to change it. Look at it from the perspective that it will help you prepare to be a single parent if that's what has to happen. Help is out there, I gave you a couple of links to start, the rest is up to you. Call your local Social Services Office in the morning and find out what you need to do to get their help. Go to your local unemployment office and find out about their job services program. You don't necessarily need to be collecting unemployment to qualify for a grant for some type of training. There are "demand occupations" that job services is authorized to provide grants to people for them to attend. Not only will this put YOU in a better position to take care of your family, but getting out and being with other people will help alleviate the depression. Don't argue with the husband about what he is or isn't doing or whether or not you should do these things. Get up, and go and do them. Social Services and Job Services will also help you with child care for you to do these things, if you need it. When you get a job, put the money in a bank account that doesn't have his name on it so you can use the money appropriately. Maybe he will follow your lead, maybe he won't. That can't be your concern right now. Your concern is you and your daughter. Good luck, and if you would like to contact me on the other side, I would be happy to help if I can.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 10:09:07 PM)
Dump this childish loser, (but get court ordered child support of course- he has a kid, he now must grow up and work) and focus on yourself and your child. You'll feel soooo much better when you don't have a lazy immature jerk fucking up your day! Go to school, get a job, or both. Better yourself. Get some self-esteem. For yours and your kid's sake. Give him one really great parent! That's all he really needs.

freyjasdottir -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 11:25:08 PM)
You must know someone who can help watch your child so you can go to work. Before I got my current sitter my ex's mother watched my UM once a week, each of my mother's sisters took a turn and my mom did at times too. It was a lot of running for me but I have worked since I was 12 so when I ended up single with two children I just kept going and you can too. If he is along for the ride, great, if not, well his loss. One thing that will help is getting out of your living situation, being that involved with family and vice versa will just cause grief.

darklight17 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/12/2009 11:57:43 PM)
I think I got too caught up before in looking back at my situation with the benefit of hindsight. Do you love him? If you do, then all the flaws in the world are worth it, even if he is a childish loser. If you do, you'll believe that he can change, get his act together, and will grow up here soon. I don't mean that love equals rational thoughts, but if you love someone and you leave them for reasons that may be rectified, then you'll regret it with a lonely heart. True love doesn't come easily, and rarely makes sense. Now if you don't, and that is why you are unhappy, well it's time to face the music. You can't do this for the sake of not wanting to give up. Some people are saying that he'll have to help you. You two have a child, but there are no guarantees that he'll ever pay child support. My father didn't. I don't want to say I'm "fine" as the cliche goes. I did grow up with a great mother who helped me get on a path to be a home owner by 23 though. So it comes down to, how do you really feel? Love is hope, and as long as you have hope, nothing is lost yet. Edited for some minute thoughts.

GreedyTop -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 12:05:38 AM)
I love my ex......... but we are SO not compatible. He moved on and so did I. We are still friends.. but we could NEVER have remained a couple.

Fitznicely -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 2:08:49 AM)
Sometimes the hard decisions have to be made. How many last chances has he had? Be honest. Will one more seriously bring him round? Do you have somewhere you can go, should you leave him? You're strong. He's beat you down with his passive agressive immature bullshit until you don't know what day it is. This can't continue. Next time he cries, you tell him to grow the fuck up! One important thing you need to focus on is your living conditions. Get out that damn house and into one of your own, however you damn well can. Call in favours, ask for loans from family. Show that you're trying to save this marriage. I wish you well.

housesub4you -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 3:17:14 AM)
Huh, yet again life has caught up with someone. Wow, marriage is work...go figure and a child is even more work.. So....the question is What do you want? Where or how do you see this ending? Because, it will end however you wish it to. If you don't think things will get better with him, they will not. Are you willing to do what it takes to get on with your life? You may have to make some hard choices that are best for you and the child. So What do you want? The marriage to work? Your husband and yourself to change in the next week? So no car no money. Well how does food get into the house? How do the bills get paid? Have you applied for food stamps, the WIC program? There are things out there to assist you, they will not come knocking on your door. As for the sex, welcome to marriage [:D]

sirsholly -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 3:45:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Stop focusing on what he needs to do. Focus on what you can do. I have watched a lot of very young women do this... you can do it too! Step by step, one day at a time... focus... stop seeing the things that are against you and get out there and find the things that will be for you! YOU CAN DO THIS... I totally agree with this.

Louve00 -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 4:09:20 AM)
Personally, I think you got into the relationship too soon, grew out of it (while, perhaps, he never started to grow up at all), it led to depression...and here you are. You're not the first child to fall in love and get married way too soon. But at 15, and in my opinion, even 21, there is alot of growing (and changing) to still be done. I don't remember entirely, but someone named Tracy Chapman sang a song once named Fast Car. Kinda the same situation you're in.

purepleasure -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 4:28:10 AM)
Leave, cut your losses, and move into a better situation for you and your daughter. It is not your job to raise your husband to be a man. There are MANY social services for women in your situation. Contact your local public assistance office, Dept. of Children's Services, and local women's shelter. You may not consider yourself to be a person that has suffered domestic abuse, but you are. If you're able to stay with your parents for a few months while you find a job, new home, and begin to move into a healthier life, even better. Do you really want to stay with someone that has no ambition, no desire to help care for HIS FAMILY, and is as selfish as you say he is?

slaveboyforyou -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 5:19:27 AM)
quote: You may not consider yourself to be a person that has suffered domestic abuse, but you are. Sorry, but that is complete bullshit. Arguing with your spouse about finances and sex is not domestic abuse. A ne'er do well husband is not an abuser. You really cheapen what actual abuse victims go through when you say things like this.

Rule -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 5:43:03 AM)
You as a family need professional counseling. One option might be to separate. I have read only your opening post, and cannot judge your situation from that. You may also need help with your communication skills: my eyes are not so good. Please do not use a blue and cursive font. I can barely and only with difficulty read it. I will have less difficulty if it is black and cursive, or blue and straight - and it would be even easier if it were black and straight.

DarkSteven -> RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? (5/13/2009 5:53:11 AM)
OP, I cannot agree with Lockit's posts strongly enough and it bothers me that you seem to be not reading them. She is saying that you need to develop a support system NOW and move out LATER. You need to get training or a job NOW and confront your husband LATER. From her posts, you have decided to confront him and hope he miraculously changes. I can absolutely guarantee you that he won't. He will see nothing different between tonight's fight and the others you've had. OP, you need to CHANGE THE GAME. If he sees you taking control of the situation more by working to get income, by doing things YOURSELF instead of whining to him, by doing positive things instead of complaining, he will know that something has changed.

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