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RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 8:29:15 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		With your income and the baby, you probably qualify for free health care from the local welfare office. Go get a physical and treatment for the depression. See if you qualify for any public benefits. If so, spend that on child care if your or his family won't help while you're at work. Get a job, get some extra training. Publish a notice in the newspapers that you're not responsible for his debts.

Build life for yourself and your child because he doesn't want to.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to darklight17)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 9:07:22 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking as a mom  of a 21 year old i have to ask... where is your family in all this?  i don't know your situation but if at all possible can you ask your own family for help.  i know that no matter what the situation was if my daughter was to go off and marry at 15,  have a baby and end up living in a situation like you are in (very unhealthy for raising a child in a crowded home like that) i would be there in a heart beat to help her in any way i could. 

If at all possible seek  help from your family..... good luck and what lockit is telling you is the best advice. Build a life for you and prepare yourself for the future and whatever choice you have to make or those which may be made for you.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 9:23:40 AM   
MAMandSlave


Posts: 110
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darklight17

Can we get a little more info? Is he emotionally apathetic and that is why you are saying that you don't see a change for the better? He's not a talker, but a more work for peanuts and claim fame type? Marriage counseling blows...can't believe that woman told my ex that I would most likely kill her. (that last bit was a joke, sorta)



I disagree about the counseling. I am a marriage family counselor, so of course a bit biased, but a good therapist will be neutral, and supportive to both members of the couple. The function of the therapist is to help find the problems in the relationship and help them overcome them. Also to help the couple determine if the both members of the relationship want to stay in it. Before starting counseling, you might focus on deciding if you are willing to put the work needed to fix whatever is wrong with it. As for telling a client someone would, “most likely kill her” that’s really unprofessional. On behalf of my profession, I apologize. (…. if you did in fact kill her, apology retracted...)

< Message edited by MAMandSlave -- 5/13/2009 9:24:09 AM >

(in reply to darklight17)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 9:51:25 AM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

quote:

You may not consider yourself to be a person that has suffered domestic abuse, but you are.


Sorry, but that is complete bullshit. Arguing with your spouse about finances and sex is not domestic abuse. A ne'er do well husband is not an abuser. You really cheapen what actual abuse victims go through when you say things like this.




Edited to add: There is a monumental difference between being terrified and frustrated, not to mention kept prisoner by someone else vs. feeling stuck due to your own thoughts/fears/situation

< Message edited by mystickoolaid -- 5/13/2009 9:57:01 AM >

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 10:04:07 AM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline 		To the OP: I was in a similar situation to yours when I was 16. I wasn't abused by this guy, but we fought ALL the time. (He was already quite a bit older than me at the time) He never kept a job, we ended up living at his dad's condo, and had a um on the way. That was nearly ten years ago... I thought I was going to die of a broken heart when our relationship fell apart... but I can look back on it now and realize how far I have come, how much I have grown and accomplished without him, and quite honestly, he hasn't changed a bit.

Things like this hurt, but when you can look at the positive changes you are making or have already made, and continue to make... it's all worth it. Whether he comes along for the ride or gets left behind. I'd be willing to bet since you have been with this guy from such a young age... that you honestly don't know yourself all that well. Find the meaning in your life. Find some positive direction and keep pressing towards those goals. Regardless of what anyone else does or thinks, do it for YOU. (and your daughter) I can't tell you whether to stay or leave... but I CAN tell you that you can ONLY fix YOU... you aren't going to fix or change this guy. If you can take the reigns and make your lives something decent with him riding on your coattails then that's wonderful, but if you can't handle the thought that he might ALWAYS be the same person... then you might want to consider letting go.

(in reply to mystickoolaid)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 10:37:44 AM   
SilverWolfe69


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline 		I'll start with my family. My mother died when I was 14, my father, well lets just say I hope he's rotting in prison. I was raised by my grandparents from the age of 2. They weren't related by blood. My grandfather was a cold hearted bastard and my grandmother wasn't much better. Their retired now, so even on the slim chance that they would offer help, they couldn't afford to help. My biological grandmother and aunt live out in the country and have offered me a place to stay, but they have very little money. The idea was to buy a car, then move out there, but I don't know if that will work. My grandmother hates him and loves to nag and lecture. I visited for a week and couldn't wait to go home.

Then there is my other aunt who is also financial struggling. She is bipolar, chronicly deppressed, and addicted to pain pills. She's just as bad as my grandfather, maybe worse. Those are the only family left in Texas. I don't have any friends that could help me. I have very limited options if I desided to leave now, and they wouldn't be much better.

I'm going to try and get help from human services, and I'm goint to try to find a trustworthy babysitter so that I can get a job. No one here can babysit because they all work except his grand mother, who is disabled. His aunt has anger issues and is always yelling at her two girls. His mother told me once that if she ever watched her, and I wasn't paying her she wouldn't care what my rules are and do things her way. the sixteen year old had to babysit the two girls and now refuses to babysit anyone.

I do love him. And I want to make this work. We talked some last night and both named some things we wanted to change and how we could both do things differently to make it work. we didn't discuss everything yet, but we've made some progress. Already things are starting to feel a little better. He's had a lot of chances over the years but I know I can't end it with out one last stand. If he can show drastic improve ment over the next few weeks, then I 'm willing to work to make things right. i know I have blame in this as well because I sulk when I get mad and have a hard time telling him what's wrong or why I'm mad. But part of that is he gets upset when I discuss my feelings. We addressed that last night and it helped him to talk to me. He also has a hard time being serious when nessicary. But I can be overly serious.

After we talked for a while we made love. It wasn't incredible, but it was a lot better than it had been it a long time. He took his time with me and it was nice. I'm going to start making little changes in my evey day life to help get us healthier and happier. i hope that by the end of the month I won't be the same person that started this journey.

(in reply to MAMandSlave)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 11:32:20 AM   
ienigma777


Posts: 283
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline 		So, you plead innocent of the killing...yeah...they all say that.

(in reply to darklight17)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 1:21:52 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilverWolfe69

I met someone when I was 15 and married him when I was older. We've been together for six years and have a one year old daughter. I love them both so much, but for the last few years I've been really unhappy with him. It started with little things but now it's almost everything. I find my self blowing up all the time. I don't want to leave him, but he leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Sexually, emotionally, and financially. I want my little girl to grow up with her father. I want her to have at least a somewhat normal life. But does it have to be at the expense of my happiness? There are so many things I want out of life and I can't get them with him. I don't want an affair, but I don't think things will ever change for the better with him. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any suggestions?



He must have something, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. What happened?

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to SilverWolfe69)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 1:29:36 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		On his end- he must try harder on things that are easily done.   For instance, helping out around the house- easy. Just do it.  Sex- well the store doesnt open unless EVERY department is on sale today. ;-)

The dude sounds like a slacker and ok- whatever.  and whatever if you choose to hang with him for life.     But being there is a kid- there is not time for experimental, I dont feel like getting a job slacking on his part.  It sounds like you are sort of trapped for now.  But that you are wanting to discover a way to improve the situation.

I note no car.  For your own clear the head- I would take a 10 minute walk.  Get out of that house for a bit each day.  Even to sit in the yard or on the porch.

So when he shoots and then rushes off.... I would sarcastically clap , crowd roars, bravo bravo.- like the performance was amazing.  lol.  (sorry)  Alot  of guys are like that. 

One thing about living with others- is try not to fall into the bad habits.  The blame and nag thing.    A shouting housemember really would be annoying.   After a while- I suppose it is fun to see the fly off the handle routine.    fun - but not for peace in the safety of ones home.


As bad as it is there- you would not want to be at our local homeless shelter.  The doom on the faces never ends.  The place is a downer, with the manager rules with an iron grip.

One time when I had a lot of problems- I went streaking on i80.    It was foolish- liberating- no real harm- and I did feel better after wards.  :-)

(in reply to ienigma777)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 2:32:06 PM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: SilverWolfe69

I met someone when I was 15 and married him when I was older. We've been together for six years and have a one year old daughter. I love them both so much, but for the last few years I've been really unhappy with him. It started with little things but now it's almost everything. I find my self blowing up all the time. I don't want to leave him, but he leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Sexually, emotionally, and financially. I want my little girl to grow up with her father. I want her to have at least a somewhat normal life. But does it have to be at the expense of my happiness? There are so many things I want out of life and I can't get them with him. I don't want an affair, but I don't think things will ever change for the better with him. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any suggestions?



He must have something, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. What happened?


Were you ever a teenager? Ever hear of puppy love? It's stupid and it's blind and some people dont get dumped before it turns into a dead end marriage with a much older, usually wiser woman and a guy who can't/won't (or just hasn't because he isn't 40 yet) grow up.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 2:34:03 PM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline 		Contact your local goodwill and health/human services departments. There are a TON of places that give away cars to poor mothers/families with kids, and also a lot of people who donate them to these places. I've seen people get free cars off of freecycle, and most cities/towns have a site for their area. 

(in reply to mystickoolaid)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 2:55:11 PM   
darklight17


Posts: 103
Joined: 3/30/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilverWolfe69


I do love him. And I want to make this work. We talked some last night and both named some things we wanted to change and how we could both do things differently to make it work. we didn't discuss everything yet, but we've made some progress. Already things are starting to feel a little better. He's had a lot of chances over the years but I know I can't end it with out one last stand. If he can show drastic improve ment over the next few weeks, then I 'm willing to work to make things right. i know I have blame in this as well because I sulk when I get mad and have a hard time telling him what's wrong or why I'm mad. But part of that is he gets upset when I discuss my feelings. We addressed that last night and it helped him to talk to me. He also has a hard time being serious when nessicary. But I can be overly serious.

After we talked for a while we made love. It wasn't incredible, but it was a lot better than it had been it a long time. He took his time with me and it was nice. I'm going to start making little changes in my evey day life to help get us healthier and happier. i hope that by the end of the month I won't be the same person that started this journey. [/color]


I liked this part of what you said. I'm seeing one thing that is brutal here though- you two seem to be facing this as inviduals. It really has to be how can "we" improve our situation together. You know I sincerely doubt that you should blame yourself for being too serious. There are situations and circumstances where you absolutely must put your foot down.

I also can't imagine someone being lazy and expressing the colors that you say he shines without some underlying reason/s. You need to make him be serious about his childhood and issues. I see a lot of people who cope with being overwhelmed by taking the easy route out- which is ignoring it and doing nothing about it.

So yeah, make your last stance, try to do it together one last time for your sake, and best of luck with it.

_____________________________

Philosopher's favorite t-shirt.. Front- Nietzsche: God is dead. Back- God: Nietzsche is dead.

(in reply to SilverWolfe69)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 2:58:19 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Okay, i am going to throw this out there, perhaps its something neither of you have given consideration too... but perhaps one of you could join the military.  I mean its a paycheck, its benefits, its many times housing, there is some marraige assistance i believe, education assistance many times and support at least emotionally etc from others around you, its discipline, and while yeah there are some negative possibilities, in the end, there may not be and you could find a way to get your feet on the ground. You are both young enough and based on your current situation, it may help you become adults and dependant on yourselves instead of others.  It would probably not be the easiest of what you can do, its an option to consider in the end.   Also, didn't you get a couple hundred if not thousand dollars returned in your income taxes?  I know a girl who was not only on welfare but did work at cubs park for the summer who only made less than i think 2000 and she got over 2000 back because of that kid credit. 

Just a thought.  angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 5/13/2009 3:01:28 PM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 5:11:22 PM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		Fort Worth does have a craiglist's last time I checked and she can get treatment at her local MHMR (Mental health Mental Retardation) for her depression and support services. Since the baby is 1 year old, the mother is placed on Medicaid along with the child, helping with medical expenses.

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to darklight17)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 5:24:25 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

Fort Worth does have a craiglist's last time I checked and she can get treatment at her local MHMR (Mental health Mental Retardation) for her depression and support services. Since the baby is 1 year old, the mother is placed on Medicaid along with the child, helping with medical expenses.


Ain't that tough:

http://dallas.craigslist.org/

(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 5:31:06 PM   
BrokenSaint


Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mystickoolaid

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

quote:

You may not consider yourself to be a person that has suffered domestic abuse, but you are.


Sorry, but that is complete bullshit. Arguing with your spouse about finances and sex is not domestic abuse. A ne'er do well husband is not an abuser. You really cheapen what actual abuse victims go through when you say things like this.




Edited to add: There is a monumental difference between being terrified and frustrated, not to mention kept prisoner by someone else vs. feeling stuck due to your own thoughts/fears/situation


Very yes.

(Directed towards OP, since it hates me using the at symbol) Though, I would also wonder from the description of your spouse, and certain hunches, whether or not they've ever been evaluated for a major depressive disorder? My guess is either no, or yes and did nothing about it. In any case I'm glad things are looking a bit brighter for you. Keep it up, and don't let him slack on it either.

< Message edited by BrokenSaint -- 5/13/2009 5:32:14 PM >

_____________________________

In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
VnV Nation - Nemesis

(in reply to mystickoolaid)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 5:38:40 PM   
samboct


Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline 		I'll throw in my $0.02 as someone who's tangled with depression, and knows a bit about therapy-

First- make no life changing decisions right now.  Depression does not give you a good starting place to make permanent changes- they're liable to be very destructive.

Two-Your support network sucks.  I agree with the other posters that you need to find a town/city with better support services.

Three- much of the struggle is clearly financial.  You need to put your hubby on an allowance and handle the money.

Four- start looking for a job online where you can keep an eye peeled on the kid and work while the kid is napping or playing with the neighbors.  Some companies like airline reservations need smart folks and have gotten pretty flexible about allowing people to work from home.  And you do seem to be reasonably sharp and have decent communications skills.  Other firms like medical records may have openings for people that can review records and work very flexible hours.  This isn't a career- but you need to get some money coming in till the kid hits school or some type of decent day care program- then you can start worrying about education and better jobs.  Another possibility are casinos- much as I hate to suggest it, because I find gambling so destructive.  However, they often hire attractive young women, and some of them may have a decent day care program to boot.

Five- make no decisions based on sex at this point- you're both too angry and right now- it's the least of your worries.  I have very little faith in marriage counseling. This isn't a marriage in trouble- the primary problem is that you have a depression and a lot of worries.  Unfortunately your hubby isn't able to cope with these challenges, but its quite possible that if you get a job and start feeling a bit better about yourself- the hubby will start looking better to you.

Good luck!

Sam

< Message edited by samboct -- 5/13/2009 5:41:17 PM >

(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 9:41:34 PM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

Okay, i am going to throw this out there, perhaps its something neither of you have given consideration too... but perhaps one of you could join the military.  I mean its a paycheck, its benefits, its many times housing, there is some marraige assistance i believe, education assistance many times and support at least emotionally etc from others around you, its discipline, and while yeah there are some negative possibilities, in the end, there may not be and you could find a way to get your feet on the ground. You are both young enough and based on your current situation, it may help you become adults and dependant on yourselves instead of others.  It would probably not be the easiest of what you can do, its an option to consider in the end.   Also, didn't you get a couple hundred if not thousand dollars returned in your income taxes?  I know a girl who was not only on welfare but did work at cubs park for the summer who only made less than i think 2000 and she got over 2000 back because of that kid credit. 

Just a thought.  angel


They also give you an extra allotment (more pay) when you have children/ a spouse. (because they consider both of those to be 'dependents')

It sounds like her slacker husband needs the kind of snap to reality and work ethic that the army can provide



On another note, if you are clinically depressed, you can get on disability, and if your daughter has ANY kind of issues at all, even as minor as a developmental delay or ADHD... she can get SSI (especially easy after you are on disability). It can take awhile to get on it, but you get all the money going back to the date you applied for it, which is like... thousands of dollars. There are a TON of lawyers out there who do it and won't get paid anything until you win. I went through a lawyer like that, and the nice part of it is that the government takes their money out of your back pay, so you don't have to worry about a thing as far as paying them out of your own pocket. It can't hurt to get the process started now, since you're not working or doing anything else that seems to be very productive at this point. (no offense, just calling it like I see it) You can apply for it initially online, and if/when you have appointments and things to go to they will arrange transportation for you if need be. 

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 9:48:59 PM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: samboct


This isn't a marriage in trouble- the primary problem is that you have a depression and a lot of worries. 
Good luck!

Sam


It isn't a marriage AT ALL at this point. They are not working together as a team on anything, and he seems unwilling to man-up and do what he should be doing as a husband and a father. (And no, I don't mean eating her out before he pokes away at her for 5 minutes, grunts, rolls over and falls asleep) Sex shouldn't even be a factor at this point, let alone a concern... not only because the entire house is spilling over with way too many people for that to be anything resembling a good idea, but mainly because it just isn't a good idea when no one is happy and the relationship is in the shitter. ESPECIALLY if there is any kind of risk that another baby may result, which I have to wonder about if there is no car, no money, no insurance, and no way to buy condoms let alone shots or pills.

< Message edited by mystickoolaid -- 5/13/2009 9:49:36 PM >

(in reply to samboct)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? - 5/13/2009 10:06:34 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mystickoolaid
Sex shouldn't even be a factor at this point, let alone a concern...
mainly because it just isn't a good idea when no one is happy and the relationship is in the shitter. ESPECIALLY if there is any kind of risk that another baby may result

Quite.

< Message edited by Rule -- 5/13/2009 10:07:51 PM >

(in reply to mystickoolaid)
Profile   Post #: 60
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