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RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/15/2009 4:11:15 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Calling someone mindless isn't intended to offend?

No matter, I just found it unkind.

To the OP, I hope however this works out, you continue to learn about yourself and find the good in life,.



Thank you Nueva
Honestly i am doing a lot of exploring and focusing. The tips given by some, have been put into practice as well as other things i know on coping. Many revelations have revealed themself and i know Sir will be proud of me. i didnt go into a depression, but into a focus and discovery of why i did what i did. i'm okay. Thanks for your concern.:)

Being called a doormat doesnt bother me, since i remember reading a thread about doormats, when i use to be oceanwynds. If i am a doormat, then i am in good company. Many that i admire on here relate to that. Mindless is just someone's word and it slipped right off me. 

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/15/2009 11:58:18 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Calling someone mindless isn't intended to offend?

No matter, I just found it unkind.

To the OP, I hope however this works out, you continue to learn about yourself and find the good in life,.



Thank you Nueva
Honestly i am doing a lot of exploring and focusing. The tips given by some, have been put into practice as well as other things i know on coping. Many revelations have revealed themself and i know Sir will be proud of me. i didnt go into a depression, but into a focus and discovery of why i did what i did. i'm okay. Thanks for your concern.:)

Being called a doormat doesnt bother me, since i remember reading a thread about doormats, when i use to be oceanwynds. If i am a doormat, then i am in good company. Many that i admire on here relate to that. Mindless is just someone's word and it slipped right off me. 

Now see,...and i'm GLAD you took it in your stride. We are all adults here. If i hear something i don't like on hear (and we all do) i either ignore it, or speak up. i fully respect and appreciate that some people didn't like what i said, that's there prerogative.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 12:37:43 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		there are various reasons why someone may utilize alienation. i won't speculate why since that wasn't the basis of your inquiry. however, generally when we are separated from someone we cherish it elicits a variety of emotions. a true hunger and longing will creep onto the surface. as you feel these things you will confront the true reasons for the separation and reflect on the behaviors that led to it and what you can do to prevent them from reoccurring.

what you feel should ideally be so great that it would impress something upon your consciousness that would leave you saying nothing is worth this. time alone can actually be a positive thing and make you feel supremely closer to your owner and sense him in ways you may have gotten away from or never discovered. however, the tool can only be as useful as you permit.

if you are attempting to cope you are truly negating the experience and not allowing the punishment to yield its real lesson. all you're doing is delaying the inevitable and cheating yourself from a good opportunity for behavior modification and growth. if you aren't taking anything positive from this at all, you're only going through the motions. i cannot see how this helps either of you in the long run.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 4:09:26 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thank you porcelaine
very valid point. Perhaps my question should have been how to focus, instead of cope? I am not coping believe me in the sense you are talking about. What is necessary is for me to stay focus on tasks that need to be done. My fear was not being able to, but i have been in between anxiety attacks, tears, etc.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 4:20:21 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		breathasone
you comment led nothing to my question. it was used as a form of humilation, which i refused to take from someone who i dont know. . it's your opinion and  i will leave that with you. I personally compared it to a bully.

add on. that is all i will say on this matter. i debated to say anything, but decided to give my thought on it. Yes, you have the right to conduct yourself on these boards any way you see fit.

< Message edited by oceanwinds -- 5/16/2009 5:05:09 AM >

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 7:17:17 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		abandonment isn't punishment in my eyes; it's the end of my relationship so coping is standard; wallow in my sorrows, then get back in the saddle.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 10:03:42 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		He didn't say goodbye, but at the same time didn't give any indication that this was a form of punishiment eiher.  Personally, I wouldn't take comfort in the knowledge that he read my emails.  You have obviously been in a serious relationship for 3 years, and "coping" with what is happening is a completely appropriate emotion.  It is NOT anything to do with you trying to be controlling.  Yes, mistakes have been made, directives disregarded or ignored, and you are taking this time to try to correct them.  I'm sorry but on top of that you have to deal with not really knowing whether he has walked away, this is a punishment, etc.  So of course, you are dealing with feeling abandoned with the anxiety and tears.  I'm truly sorry that you are having to go through this and happy that you are attempting to rectify the issues.  I do, however, feel that ignoring you and forcing you to wonder what is going on is a horrible lack of communication that is causing you unnecessary pain.  Even if he had simply said, I will return when I feel you have learned your lesson, you would at least KNOW there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  Saying nothing at all leaves you in the dark "trusting" that this is what he plans to do.  I hope all works out well for you.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 10:28:46 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thank you LafayetteLady
I am of course worry he might not contact me, but i really dont think this will be the case. If it turns out, then i really didnt know him. Sir was very angry at me, and when he is angry he will not talk to me. The most this lasted in the past was a day or two. He will not get ugly with me when angry. I have always respected his decision on that. As mentioned before this is more then balancing my checkbook. It is a lot more and i really screwed up. But i did the right thing, has to do with IRS, and am straightening out things. Following everything he told me that day to do, when i just threw it to the wind. i am the one that did wrong, not Sir.


_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 11:20:42 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		My last reply, at least for now. Thank those who offered tips on how to deal with my anxieties during this time. Sir's punishment might not be someone's else's cup of tea and i understand that. Interesting enough, it really is working on me though, and i have to see that as a positive.

To even really consider he wouldnt come back or tell me he isn't I know is a disservice to Sir, so i will not think that way.

oceanwind

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 1:56:06 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

My last reply, at least for now. Thank those who offered tips on how to deal with my anxieties during this time. Sir's punishment might not be someone's else's cup of tea and i understand that. Interesting enough, it really is working on me though, and i have to see that as a positive.

To even really consider he wouldnt come back or tell me he isn't I know is a disservice to Sir, so i will not think that way.

oceanwind


 xxx hugs xxx

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 2:45:53 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

breathasone
you comment led nothing to my question. it was used as a form of humilation, which i refused to take from someone who i dont know. . it's your opinion and  i will leave that with you. I personally compared it to a bully.

add on. that is all i will say on this matter. i debated to say anything, but decided to give my thought on it. Yes, you have the right to conduct yourself on these boards any way you see fit.

Wow.
I am suitably impressed with you
Wow

That just does not happen too often

dayum

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 3:08:40 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

Thank you LafayetteLady
I am of course worry he might not contact me, but i really dont think this will be the case. If it turns out, then i really didnt know him. Sir was very angry at me, and when he is angry he will not talk to me. The most this lasted in the past was a day or two. He will not get ugly with me when angry. I have always respected his decision on that. As mentioned before this is more then balancing my checkbook. It is a lot more and i really screwed up. But i did the right thing, has to do with IRS, and am straightening out things. Following everything he told me that day to do, when i just threw it to the wind. i am the one that did wrong, not Sir.



I understand your need to be devoted and loyal, as well as another's need to "calm down" rather than speak out in anger.  But I don't understand a complete lack of communication as I said.  That is why I think it is quite unfair of anyone to tell you that "coping" with the situation is wrong.  You are still taking care of the things that need to be taken care of, correcting the alleged problems.  All the while, your heart is in severe pain over the loss (regardless how temporary or permanent it may be) of contact with him.  Just because you are a slave or a sub doesn't mean that "coping" with that kind of pain is a means of "control."  It means that you are a human being with deep feelings for another and when they are not there for an extended period of time, regardless of the reason, we ache.  More so when something has happened that causes that separation.

My point was not to tell you he was never coming back, as I have no idea.  My point was that coping with his absense is a very ok thing to do and that you shouldn't let others mislead you into thinking that such behavior is wrong.  While you need to take care of the problems (regardless of outcome with him), crying or feeling lost without him is completely normal in a long term relationship.  Functioning in all ways, taking care of the problem, and day to day life is in itself of form of coping. 

And while you might not agree, I think that having a conversation with him about the emotional pain that is caused with not knowing and assuming would be a good thing.  It is never appropriate to cause someone the kind of emotional distress you are suffering when that simple "I will return when I think the situation will not occur again" would have not only minimized the pain, but also be a great motivator.  Yes, I am speaking from my point of view, and you must do what feels best and right for you.  But regardless of whether I were a slave/sub, this lack of communication would take it's toll on my trust of him because I would then wonder when he might get angry and fly the coop each time something went wrong.  For me, that is not a good thing in a relationship.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 3:24:03 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		He will ask me how i did, this i do know, since that is his pattern. Using the worst punishment on me, i am sure he will want to know how it went. i planned to be honest with him, and request if it is to come again to perhaps consider letting me know something. Hopefully it wont ever happen again. 3 years this is the first time,.

thanks lafayette, i'm tired. i do appreciate your thoughts and advice though.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 4:16:46 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		You are quite welcome.  It is the unusualness of this that is so concerning.  It is very difficult to get all the "stuff" you need to "fix" straightened out when you are also suffering the pain of sudden loss.  While it can certainly encourage great self sufficiency, it also lessens the need for his "direction" in those areas as well.  Perhaps that is your goal, I certainly don't know.  What I know is that working through one thing while being in horrible emotional pain over another thing can be daunting and exhausting and you must communicate to him how much anxiety it caused you, when that simple "I'll be back when" seems to be something that for you would have alleviated all of that.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 4:34:32 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thank you again
Actually to be self-sufficient is my goal, and one area Sir been working with me on for almost 3 years. When i was married, i was very ill, so never worked. When hubby got ill, the unexpected happen, it drained everything for us. When he died, i tried to get on SSI, but when turned down the 1st time, i said okay i going to try on my own. I struggled for a whole year by myself, barely eating, but was able to get by. When i met Sir a year after hubby died, he helped me to start on this self-sufficient path. Life makes odd turns, and sometimes the unexpected comes, and by the grace of the Universe, i got my rent dirt cheap. For 2 years now i been medicene free, and doing pretty well. There have been times Sir had to get tough on me, for my tendencies of carebear attitude..oh spend today dont worry about tomorrow. Sir has been a major help to help me live alone, support kitty and me, and not be afraid of being single, because i can take care of me. We have an odd relationship, but after experiencing the unexpected, i am trying to help myself now. Sir will be back, it just when. this is the first time no communication, and this time i did it on my own, and dug deep into the darkness of my fears. i not sure any of this makes sense, but again you are kind and thank you for your support

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/16/2009 6:41:27 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		i am so glad you see your strength and worth.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/17/2009 3:48:51 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i am so glad you see your strength and worth.


Thank you, breatheasone, and again thank you for the cmail yesterday:)

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/17/2009 2:22:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Oceanwinds, if you're having problems with the IRS you need to find a damn good accountant. You cannot assume the IRS is correct in what they do, the low level stuff is usually wrong. 80% of cases that go to Tax Court are decided in the taxpayer's favor.

Trying to deal with them alone is like taking out your own appendix. It's just a stupid thing to do. And if he told you to do that, then he needs to talk to his accountant and get better advice. Because it's wrong.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/17/2009 5:59:50 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i am so glad you see your strength and worth.


Thank you, breatheasone, and again thank you for the cmail yesterday:)

my pleasure sister...and you are a TRUE joy!


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Punishment. how to cope? - 5/17/2009 7:47:12 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Regardless of whether your master was right or wrong in the approach that he took, in anyone's opinion, the outcome has obviously been positive.  Finding your "feet" and learning they are strong enough to hold you up without someone is something everyone needs to be able to do.  In the end, you now know that even if he never comes back, you will be "ok."  You have learned that you have YOU and that is a pretty great thing to learn at any age in life.  I congratulate you on finding that inner strength to stand on your own.  You will find that it is the best thing that could have happened to you, because now you know you can get through anything.  As for the IRS thing, as another said, find a good accountant, but let me add, also a good attorney.  They can and do negotiate on your behalf.  I don't know the severity of the situation, but if we are talking some major bucks here, it will be money well spent.  Good luck to you.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 60
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