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When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 4:21:02 AM

stella41b

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I just thought I would throw this out for everyone here. I see a lot of people making a distinction between 'vanilla' and kinky and BDSM (whatever) and it piqued my curiosity.

So when does vanilla cease to be vanilla? Where are the boundaries? The parameters?

When does a vanilla relationship become something else?

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 5:02:10 AM

missturbation

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There's no such thing as vanilla, everyone has kink.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 5:32:23 AM

MissJanice2

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Vanilla is just a term we deem to people that are not involved in the lifestyle.
Kink is more of the new movement coming into BDSM where BDSM is BDSM.
I don't like labels. Labels confuse people.

Best Wishes,

Mistress_Jan

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Post #: 3

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 5:50:13 AM

Fitznicely

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There's so many factors, it'd be impossible to generalise.

In the end, it's down to the individual to work out for themselves.

What i don't believe in is levels of kinkiness. Person A isn't more kinky than person B just because A has been to play parties or wears a collar - that's down to opportunity, reluctance and all the other factors that dictate our lives.

What I do hate is the "kinkier than thou" attitude I've come across now and again - I've seen "kink" worn as a badge, with the people sneering at and belitting anything they see as being Vanilla. Normally, they're new, clinging tight to their newfound party trick - either that or they're dangerous: snubbing safewords, scening while on drugs, or addictive personalities, pushing things beyond any sensible limit so they can say they're kinkier than "you"...

Personally - I leave it up to other people to determine how vanilla we are. It's up to them if they see us as a regular couple, "he's a bit bossy, she's cheeky and wears an interesting necklace" - or not.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 5:58:03 AM

HalloweenWhite

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I define vanilla as:

A: A sexual activity that the majority of adults enjoy

B: A sexual activity that doesn't involve more than 2 people, doesn't involve games/role play etc, or the use of toys/gagets.

Having said that, vanilla means different things to different people and 2 couple's idea of what is and what isn't vanilla will be different but they'll -both- think that what they do is vanilla.

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Post #: 5

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 6:05:19 AM

lally2

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the difference to me is the levels of power exchange that goes on. to me that is the defining issue. it isnt about the activities we do so much as the mental processes we go through.

i would be extremely surprised if any of my 'nilla friends and relatives suddenly decided to hand the reins over to their other half and say, i trust you to make all of the decisions on my behalf from now on. it just aint gonna happen

-

you know, i go around the supermarket or wherever and i hear couples squabbling and bitching at each other and i think, phew! - im so glad that isnt how my relationship works. if one of those couples turned around to the other and said 'thats enough, be quiet' there would be pistols at dawn and no sex for a month. with me, if He ever has to tell me to hush up, i do so, gratefully and happily and slip quietly into my comfy place. thats the difference for me anyhow

< Message edited by lally2 -- 5/14/2009 6:10:30 AM >

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 6:09:12 AM

tiinkerbell

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I just thought I would throw this out for everyone here. I see a lot of people making a distinction between 'vanilla' and kinky and BDSM (whatever) and it piqued my curiosity.

So when does vanilla cease to be vanilla? Where are the boundaries? The parameters?

When does a vanilla relationship become something else?

I have never tried to seperate the two. My life is my life and I live it the way I have lived it 'all my life'. I don't have a vanilla life, I don't have a BDSM life, I don't have a M/s life. I simply have MY life and all it encompasses. If I was to try and seperate them into compartments; my life would go down in ruins, literally, because I simply can't.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 6:25:43 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

So when does vanilla cease to be vanilla?

When it becomes chocolate or strawberry

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 7:06:36 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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I see the terms vanilla or mundane as referring to those whose lifestyle differs from mine and the term kink as being a fetish more than just sex. But then again most folks have their own personal meaning for these terms.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 7:15:00 AM

housemouseinoz

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Joined: 2/3/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

the difference to me is the levels of power exchange that goes on. to me that is the defining issue. it isnt about the activities we do so much as the mental processes we go through.

i would be extremely surprised if any of my 'nilla friends and relatives suddenly decided to hand the reins over to their other half and say, i trust you to make all of the decisions on my behalf from now on. it just aint gonna happen -

you know, i go around the supermarket or wherever and i hear couples squabbling and bitching at each other and i think, phew! - im so glad that isnt how my relationship works. if one of those couples turned around to the other and said 'thats enough, be quiet' there would be pistols at dawn and no sex for a month. with me, if He ever has to tell me to hush up, i do so, gratefully and happily and slip quietly into my comfy place. thats the difference for me anyhow

I agree with lally, when i hear those people in the supermarket doing that, i just smile to myself, knowing there is no way in hell i could talk to Sir like that and get away with it, and that makes me feel at peace with myself.

However i think 90% of couples have one in the relationship that are more dominant than the other. I have a vanilla friend (who rolls her eyes at my relationship) and i think, she thinks i've gone mad, but the dynamics of her relationship is not what i would want for myself, EVER.

She doesn't understand how i can do the power exchange thing, and thinks people that do so are weak!! I said to her, you have known me for 27 years, do you see me as weak, her answer was of course, no :-).

So whilst she doesn't understand the power exchange, just this past week in her house, the house has been painted, she wanted to pick the colour, he ended up picking it and organsied the painter, she didn't get a say, he went through her linen press and chucked a whole heap of stuff out, she didn't get a say, and he did the same in her kitchen!! She wanted a new pet and told me she was just going to do it, and what could he do about it, i said i think you may want to rethink that one and discuss it with him, cause he'll kick that new pet up the arse every day, as he will resent you for just doing it. She is not getting a new pet now!! He said NO.

The difference is, i agree to the power exchange, she doesn't, but does it cause it keeps the peace, not because she likes it. She was pissed off about the painting, the kitchen and the linen and of course the pet.

Kinky sex is a very small part of the relationship dynamics i have with my Sir, the D/s is the main part of it, it is the power exchange that makes it different to lets say conventional ( for lack of a better word) relationships!

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 7:38:10 AM

LaTigresse

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To be honest, in the context other than food flavouring, I never use the term except on here.

I tend to use kinky and explain, if required.

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Post #: 11

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 8:09:22 AM

Mercnbeth

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for this slave...it refers to the foundation of relationship structures...not sex or daily activities, and is dependent upon one's culture/environment.

vanilla is the conventional/standard version of something and is in flux, according to the society we live in and it's standards/more's/conventions over time.
when used as a descriptor for relationships, the current vanilla version would be:
husband/wife
boyfriend/girlfriend
a monogamous pairing of opposite sexes with an egalitarian foundation

anything else would be considered "alternative", non-vanilla structures such as:
Master/slave
poly families
same-sex pairings

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 12

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 8:47:39 AM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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I use vanilla to describe pretty much anyone who doesn't self-identify as kinky.

Lally and housemouse, I wouldn't argue like that in public whether or not I was in a D/s relationship, and I've been in several kinky relationships with no formal/overt power exchange (I leaned slightly Domme, especially in the bedroom, but there wasn't the degree of surrender/yielding to my will that I needed in order to consider it actual submission). It's frequently used to denigrate anyone who posts *here* who isn't sufficiently kinky for that person's tastes, or who isn't into D/s. I'm pretty sure that a caning that leaves welts and bruises for a week *doesn't* count as vanilla! It's particularly annoying when the person saying so doesn't even have any physical face to face experience with D/s or BDSM, but is trying to claim that I'm vanilla (or that I don't exist, because I'm a switch, for that matter).

Mercnbeth, I've never seen people called vanilla just because they were in a monogamous relationship? So you would consider me to be vanilla unless I'm in a D/s relationship, while someone who is poly or lesbian but is completely uninterested in BDSM or power exchange isn't? I'm confused!

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/14/2009 8:51:12 AM >

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Post #: 13

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 9:23:47 AM

RCdc

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People use the term to seperate those that utilise BDSM or kink from those that do not. I have yet to meet anyone who does not have a kink or fantasy at all, so I tend to look at so called 'vanillas' like Nessie.
Or Bigfoot.

the.dark.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 9:35:54 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

Mercnbeth, I've never seen people called vanilla just because they were in a monogamous relationship? So you would consider me to be vanilla unless I'm in a D/s relationship, while someone who is poly or lesbian but is completely uninterested in BDSM or power exchange isn't? I'm confused!

sorry for the confusion. the way this slave perceives the term vanilla, this slave would consider you to be involved in an alternative(non-vanilla) relationship if the foundation of your relationship is one that is NOT standard/conventional/accepted by our larger society.

this slave bases her perception of vanilla/conventional vs alternative relationship structures on the standards of the society she operates in. broadly, it's an American society. BDSM isn't a standard, conventional, accepted relationship structure...as this slave perceives relationship structures to be, in this society. BDSM is a collection of activities or sensations that one might participate in, within their relationship structure...this slave doesn't include D/s or M/s in her definition of BondageDisciplineSadismMasochism.

so, if you and your spouse or opposite sex partner like to do a little slap and tickle in the bedroom, then yes, this slave would consider you to be a "vanilla" couple. perhaps a kinky vanilla couple, but still a vanilla couple, because the basis of your relationship is on conventional standards.

this slave doesn't equate enjoying kinky sex with a non-vanilla relationship structure.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/14/2009 9:36:28 AM >

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Post #: 15

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 9:55:48 AM

JonnieBoy

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Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
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Right ... but what one person see's as conventional ...

What baffles me is why we are comparing/measuring others anyway, each to their own I say.

Pirate

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Post #: 16

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 9:59:46 AM

kittinSol

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JonnieBoy

Right ... but what one person see's as conventional ...

What baffles me is why we are comparing/measuring others anyway, each to their own I say.

Pirate

I think people find labels comforting - personally, it does nothing for me, and the term 'vanilla' means absolutely fuck all.

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 10:04:58 AM

GeekFreak

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When you add in chocolate syrup and mix it around until it gets all dark colored and creamy and yummy! MMM! I love doing that to ice crem

(okay...I'll admit, I only read the title...:P )

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RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 10:14:16 AM

JonnieBoy

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Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol
the term 'vanilla' means absolutely fuck all.

Can I quote that when I next update the US-English/English-US translator page on the website ?

Pirate

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Post #: 19

RE: When is vanilla not vanilla? - 5/14/2009 10:15:45 AM

kittinSol

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JonnieBoy

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol
the term 'vanilla' means absolutely fuck all.

Can I quote that when I next update the US-English/English-US translator page on the website ?

Pirate

Be my guest, Pirate

.

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