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newone11 -> RE: Are BDSMers better at size acceptance? (5/24/2009 7:03:07 AM)
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My $.02--
I was born fat. The doctor wrote "FAT" on my birth checklist (you know when they mark off that you've got your fingers and toes). I have always been, as my mom puts it, sturdy. What the hell did she expect when she put cereal in the bottle on the way home from the hospital? My first diet was at 7 and was medically supervised. But I, to my mind, was a normal kid who did all the normal kids things.
So at 12 something bad happened. And, conscious or not, I started putting on A LOT more weight. And it just kept piling on. Why? Because I ate crap and didn't exercise enough. And maybe if I was big enough I would get so big that no one would notice me. It was an effective strategy for the most part. But, in turn, left me even more miserable.
When I joined CM I fudged on the profile. I was not 200# at 5'4" but really #237 and miserable. And it was my fault. When I met a guy on here (the one I'm with now) it was slightly less of a lie since I had gotten down to 220#. When we met I was also in the process of being qualified for lap-band surgery. He's never said anything about my weight. He did say that I ate like crap and didn't exercise. So part of his rules were (and still are) no snacking, no soda, no sweets and exercise 5x a week. He has never judged my weightloss or lack there of. He has had a thing or two to say if I have "cheated" and the few times I have there's been hell to pay. Anyway, by November my surgery date rolled around and he left it up to me as to have it or not. From the beginning he was against it. Ultimately, I chose to have it anyway and did so on November 22.
Here's the funny part. I've been very open to everyone about having the surgery. I didn't keep it a secret and when I've been asked how I'm losing the weight I've been up front about it. Reactions have been 100% positive. But 95% have also said "Ummm, you're looking great but how on earth did you qualify? You weren't very big!" The answer to that is that I'm very, very lucky that my weight has always been evenly distributed so I look smaller than I actually am...and still do. So I'm down about 70lbs from my high and want to go another 30 or so.
As for the surgery...it was required that I learn about nutrition and healthy eating. I thought I could read a food label before but, as bad luck would have it, I didn't know the first thing about it. I eat lean meat and chicken now. I usually need a sauce of some kind to allow me to eat meat but you can make a sauce out of broth instead of cream and butter. Who knew?!? Bread, spongy foods like cake, and tortillas are next to impossible to eat. My exercise routine has stayed in place. My choice of surgery gave me the push that I needed but it wasn't the be all, end all. Ice cream and milk shakes go down really easy so I have to make a conscious decision to avoid them.
Does the surgery help? Absolutely. Did I take the easy way out? Maybe. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
The part where I felt ugly and unattractive? That part was in my head! No one was going around calling me a fatty or behemoth or big as a house. My misery was of my own making because that's what I imagined they really meant when they said "Oh, you're looking good today." I didn't like the way I looked and I projected it on to EVERYONE.
People have preferences. It's ok. I totally, completely, absolutely adore red-heads with freckles but not being quite as fond of blondes doesn't make me a bad person. The man I'm with? Yeah, he's blonde but I made an exception for him! There's perfectly valid reasons for liking a lean, toned body. And a few more for liking a 'hoss kind of guy' as my brother used to say to describe my boyfriends. And it's ok if those perfectly valid reasons start and end with 'cause that's what I like!
It's all in who is doing the looking.
(My $.02 turned into a buck-fifty.)
*Edited to add the second to last sentence.
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