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Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:35:14 PM

sodsta

Posts: 246
Joined: 7/19/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

So... hypothetical situation...

A boy (sub) meets a girl (Domme) from a fetish forum; they exchange a few nice messages and arrange to meet up. They meet up and have an awesome fun time, going to the arcade, playing DDR, eating Ben and Jerry's and geeking about books and movies together. The day is fun and relaxed very enjoyable. This sets the tone for the subsequent meetups that happen over the following few weeks. All is going very well. So far, pretty much entirely vanilla, but with some discussion of kink thrown in here and there.

Several weeks in, the topic of playing together comes up. Girl says "A friend asked me if you were a potential play-partner, but I didn't know how to respond because I haven't asked you yet. So... would that be something you'd be interested in?" Boy says "Yeah. I'd be happy with that" and both parties seem pleased with newly reached agreement.

2 weeks on and the subject of play does not come up once. Both boy and girl are still getting on very well and boy can definitely feel chemistry. One night, topic of kink comes up again and girl says "I don't usually feel comfortable initiating when I want to play with someone. I feel sort of self-conscious." Boy does not know how to take this. Is this a hint or just a statement?

Boy is now unsure if he should be trying to initiate something or not.

Uh... so yes. That is my entirely not-so-hypothetical situation. :S I wanted to ask what most people would be expecting or hoping for in that instance. I don't want to try and initiate something if she's not ready to play yet, lest it looks like I'm coming on too strong. We've already had long talks about what each of us are into, limits/hot buttons/likes/dislikes/etc, but they were more in a sort of "getting to know each other" context than a "leading up to play" context.

Advice? Suggestions? Eep. :S

< Message edited by sodsta -- 5/14/2009 5:43:35 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:44:48 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Sorry I can't help, Sodsta, but my compliments on a great question! To this I want to the see the responses . . . .

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Post #: 2

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:46:10 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Boy does not know how to take this. Is this a hint or just a statement?

Boy needs to learn. Boy is asking the obvious. Boy is not ready for girl. Bad boy.

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Post #: 3

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:53:21 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Try this.

1. Decide in your head, 100% for sure, that if she rejects you, you are ok with it and will still be her friend.

2. Go for it, all out.

3. Accept whatever decision she makes. She'll know it's an honest mistake if you're "wrong," and she'll have a great time playing if you're "right."

4. Stay friends no matter what happens at step 3.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 4

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:54:11 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Go for it, she basically asked you to initiate.

Whatcha gonna do? Sit and wait until girl finds another boy who's a bit more gutsy and then will play with him instead of you?

Crack a joke about taking a spanking for something, when she jokes back, suggest when... Simple!

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

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(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 5

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:57:40 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

Realize you are both people first.

Perhaps you feel a tad guilty of your motivation. You seem to be interested in just playing and she seems more into a relationship.

Just go ahead and ask her. You have nothing to loose other than someone who might have other designs and then you can continue to seek what you are looking for.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 6

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 5:58:11 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Boy does not know how to take this. Is this a hint or just a statement?

Boy needs to learn. Boy is asking the obvious. Boy is not ready for girl. Bad boy.

Hahahahahahahaha....

Boy needs to grab the reigns....girl isn't being altogether Domme....girl likes boy, girl wants boy to tell her what to do....girl thinks boy is hot....boy needs to say...."spank me...I'm yours".

(Thus endeth the lesson).

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 7

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 6:19:09 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

boys wants girl....... girl wants boy .............. there is chemistry..

boy can say
"I have been very very bad I need a spank.... I am so bad "
and bend forward or go over her knee.
"oh I need a spank??

girls may need a open door to let loose...her Dommeness

or "I am ready to play what should we do first?"

or "we have talked a lot and I am ready to go forward
how about....................?"

once she gets going she may expand/add to her Domming...

have fun..relax..PLAY..

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/14/2009 6:21:25 PM >

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 8

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 7:21:19 PM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
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I would wait and wait and wait and wait. So you should listen to Miss GQ.

yours

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As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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Post #: 9

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 7:45:01 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You both have agreed, she is choking on making a first move. She brought it up in the first place. If she wasn't open to it she wouldn't have brought it up. She was feeling you out and maybe hoping you would make a move. So... I think... you should try something like this... make it light and airy... without topping or asking too much.

Take an tee shirt and write on it with a thick marker... May I be your playtoy? Put it on and wear another shirt over it.. like one that buttons up. When in a private place, kneel down on one knee... open your shirt and see what her response is. Smile really big! Then you could maybe ask to kiss her or something.

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Post #: 10

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 9:23:03 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

What are you waiting for, a formal invitation delivered by mail? For crying out loud, she's as much as told you flat out that she wants you to initiate things.

(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 11

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 9:39:32 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

It sounds like a very nice courtship. I'm jealous.

I would agree with everyone who's said you should initiate and be patient. Are you looking at this as a play partner or romantic relationship?

I'm real good at initiating stuff from a vanilla/romantic standpoint, but not so much from a submissive standpoint, so I'll leave that to those who have more experience than I.

_____________________________

Strong for all, weak for one

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Post #: 12

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 10:02:33 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

There are some who believe that a sub should never bring up the idea of play. I do not subscribe to that approach and think each situation merits its own response. I would definitely intiate in the scenario you describe. Here are a couple of ideas for approaches:

1) At a future conversation, you could say that you two briefly spoke of being play partners and that you would love to talk about what step to take next. You might clarify that you wished to allow things to go at her pace and that you have not said anything sooner is certainly not due to lack of enthusiasm. You could then have a discussion about what activities she might wish to try and what to discuss beforehand about these activities. When all that is said and done, you might ask when would be a good time for her, and that (assuming hosting is feasible) you would gladly host, or get together wherever she might be most comfortable.

2) Service is often a good place to start. I often invite over for dinner. From there, other acts of service (foot rubs) can flow. Once I give a foot rub, magic happens, music starts to play from the sky, and everything is ace.

Just kidding ;-)

Conversation can go to a show and tell of what's in the toy bag. That can be a good ice breaker for that type of play.

I personally prefer approach 2, however, it requires being able to sense the response. If you are unsure about gauging the response, the first approach might be better initially since it is a more explicit discussion.

It sounds like it's going great and I wish you well.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 5/14/2009 10:48:42 PM >

(in reply to SlaveBlutarsky)

Post #: 13

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/14/2009 10:51:14 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Straightforward communication is always the safest route...you can ask her how she feels. Email is nice, because you can present it in a non-pressure way, tell her she doesn't need to address or answer the specifics, but that you are happy and open to proceed at her whim, and ask if there is anything you can do to put her at ease or if she would, indeed, like you to literally make the first move.

It could all fall into "easier said than done," however, and in the non-verbal dance of flirting and deciphering silences and expressions and body languages, and avoiding awkward moments, it may seem like a lot of pressure. You can try some very subtle, non pushy forms of non verbal communication/posturing that won't put her in a position to DO anything, but clearly give her a very non-pressure way to act on her dominance without that uncomfortable, "Ok dear, I guess I will tie you up now!" moment. As an example - while renting a movie or watching tv, lower yourself physically by kneeling (casually) with your head near her lap. Another way to take pressure off, if it's quiet and things *might* be going that direction, is close your eyes and keep them closed. It's like a self imposed blindfold, it won't make her feel stared at, and it also is a subtle sign of surrender. At least in my book.

A completely different suggestion is to approach some bondage type stuff from a very playful, experimental standpoint. Fully clothed, music on, laughing, things like contests - How good can she tie knots? First your hands in front, then behind your back, etc. Time how long it takes you to get away - but purely as an experiment, of course. Or just plan to do some toy shopping and/or toy "experimenting" - not necessarily to get into any role, but to just mess around, and if roles happen, or intimacy happens, you just go with the flow.

A final suggestion: If you both drink, have a little and relax. Don't plan to do S&M or anything against your own limits as it relates to alcohol and play, but sometimes it can address some of the inhibitions a lady may feel and open the floodgates a little to some very casual flirting, deeper discussions or light roleplay, not necessarily anything that involves gear or anything needing tons of safety. Just having her playfully pin you down and molest you with kisses and pull your hair while just a tad tipsy may get her over that "who initiates?" fear she has.

Akasha

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(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 14

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 1:39:20 AM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

Several weeks in, the topic of playing together comes up. Girl says "A friend asked me if you were a potential play-partner, but I didn't know how to respond because I haven't asked you yet. So... would that be something you'd be interested in?" Boy says "Yeah. I'd be happy with that" and both parties seem pleased with newly reached agreement.

One night, topic of kink comes up again and girl says "I don't usually feel comfortable initiating when I want to play with someone. I feel sort of self-conscious." Boy does not know how to take this. Is this a hint or just a statement?

Hi sodsta. In the first statement I copied, she asks if you wish to play. You reply yes, so all is fine. In the second she says simply she doesnt like initiating. I would read that as a clear sign she wants you to intiate proceedings. You already know from the initial discussion that she wishes to play.

I would suggest that next time you are both playing around, drop a cheeky hint such as " you best spank me then " or something. Dont push the issue, she how the lady in question responds, and go with the flow. Good luck with this.

(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 15

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 4:59:16 AM

frankieboy52

Posts: 91
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline

i have read all the responses and all are good ones.but i must tip my hat to Miss Lockit.Her suggestion is sweet and to the point and most importantly,non-confrontational.I am sure she will get a good chuckle from it all and then proceed with your mutual agreement.

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 16

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 5:10:30 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Sodsta,

I'm wondering - have you actually got to the stage of kissing and (*fumbles desperately for the phrase*) 'heavy petting' yet? That would make a big difference. Secondly, does she fully know that the control is hers to take?

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http://www.domme-chronicles.com

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Post #: 17

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 5:57:07 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Sodsta,

I'm wondering - have you actually got to the stage of kissing and (*fumbles desperately for the phrase*) 'heavy petting' yet? That would make a big difference. Secondly, does she fully know that the control is hers to take?

The phrase you want is "second base"

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Post #: 18

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 8:05:27 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Okay, please someone tell me the connection between second base and PLAYING?

Confuzzled Hib

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Post #: 19

RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? - 5/15/2009 8:53:12 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Okay, please someone tell me the connection between second base and PLAYING?

Confuzzled Hib

Whether she is still wearing her bra.

Actually, it's a sorta serious answer. Second base feels more nilla to me, so there's mutual feeling up going on. Playing, the woman could be wearing almost anything. Also, plenty of people play with rules like "no contact above the knee."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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