RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/16/2009 6:27:32 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

Once or twice in my life in real time I made the first ‘move’. But on line I don’t initiate contact (unless I just want to comment on a forum contribution). Frankly, I’ve never had to, not that I’m inundated with emails but I get several every few months. In my case I’ve not thought of my inaction as a result of my gender. I’m open to possibilities but since both R. and S. are in my life I don’t feel the need to look for others. I’m willing to just wait until someone does express an interest.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 21

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/16/2009 7:44:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Among heterosexuals most women don't need to chase, we get enough emails from people we don't know. Beyond that, sending an introductory note saying you enjoyed something they wrote and would like to get to know them a little is hardly chasing. And that's about all anybody should do.

Because if the other person isn't interested, then you're getting into stalking territory. And if they are it is mutual exploration.

For me, I prefer the man makes the first advance. He did, I responded and so on. Some six and a half years ago.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 22

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 4:02:10 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Do tops prefer to chase their desired ones, or do they prefer to be chased by eager bottoms?

Either way doesn't matter. But then, I don't consider it a chase. I see it as two people getting to know one another before getting down to the more interesting part. Whether or not I make the first move isn't important.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 23

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 4:26:44 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

I've not had to think about it for 12 years, and when I did, it wasn't necessarily with SM in mind, but I used to chase. You kinda had to if you were male around here.

Now, if I'm not chased, nothing's gonna happen. Of course, it's my choice then if stalker becomes prey or not...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 24

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 5:18:25 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

....Because I am internally driven, I do pretty well in my own sphere unless someone takes the effort to entice me out of my own head.

Dame Calla

Calla - I love the way you expressed that!!!

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 25

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 5:37:10 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I think Calla kind of described how my head works with all of this. With me it's not so much thinking about who makes first contact but whether or not my interest is held.

They can have the hottest physical appearance in the world but if I cannot begin to start connecting with them on a cerebral level fairly quickly, I honestly tend to drift away from them. And, if they don't make an effort to keep in contact, I just assume they lost any interest they had.

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone back through my emails and thought "oh yeahhhh..... I wonder what happened to her?" I reread the emails and am rather confused as to why they disappeared but I don't worry about it. Assume they got bored, found someone they liked more, whatever. After all, I am pretty boring to visit with online. I don't think I have EVER typed ...."kneel slut!!!"

Other than online, if they stop calling, or returning calls.......again, I just tend to assume they've found someone they were better connected with. Otherwise they would be here, instead of where ever they are.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 26

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 5:53:15 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

i have never understood the theory behind the idea that a Dominant cant be seen to be chasing anyone...especially considering the piles of cmail, emails on other sites and basic dungeon behaviors...Its a rare instance when i notice a regularly attending Dominant at the dungeon who at no time and in no way has not approached me...that one would absolutely stick out in my mind....as soon as i remembered to notice that. (big fat hint!!!)

However, i did my fair share of approaching...i dont have a problem in the world approaching someone regardless of their D/s status or identity...other than to say, that at times i wonder if i have not breached some form of protocol or another...never mean to offend.

When i was single, i approached interesting *people* and talked about the thing about them that interested me...if something came of that, great!...if not, we just had a great conversation that didnt include the phrase, "kneel before me, bitch".

i feel quite fortunate to have been "raised" in the New England area community, where i was safely allowed to learn to fly by people who were not out to own me, but rather, looking to add me to their list of people they called friends. It gave me a real understanding of who i am and who i wanted to spend my time with. So, for me, the chase was never the issue...

i read what CD wrote about 'old fashioned' values...and i have very rarely run across a Dom or two that would be offended by my approach...one of whom is married to my best friend and still thinks im way too slutty to even address...*shrugs*...my stance on the men who are offended by a confident and smiling, approachable submissive coming up to them and trying to get to know them, would be....i guess he doesnt want to play....and then i would move on.

Master finds my stance on most things refreshing, and he has yet to discourage my behaviors in public...i think that comes from an inherent dominance in our dynamic...it really matters not if im off the corner discussing horsemanship with some local Dominant at a gathering, or comparing toys with someone...or whatever....He knows just as i do that its his collar around my neck. He chose me because of my personality, not in spite of it, so if i were to suddenly become a wallflower, he would just chuckle and push my smart-ass out into the middle of the room and let me be me....at the very least, its entertaining to watch.

peace,

perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 27

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 6:18:35 AM

frankieboy52

Posts: 91
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline

i believe in chasing and doing all the right things in pursuit of hapiness.conversations are important and the more i have the better i feel about things.with that said, i also need some reciprocation.i need to know that at some point in the chase,the interest at the other end is just as intense as my pursuit.bottom line is i don't like being strung along and quite frankly,nobody does.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 28

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 7:38:55 AM

penitentialarts

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline

I don't really view it as chasing or being chased - to me, it's more about finding people who might be good partners, and then letting them know that you are interested in getting to know them better.

I approach people who seem interesting to me, and I enjoy having people approach me. A lot of submissives seem to have difficulty making the initial approach, so I really admire those who do so. I certainly enjoy it when they approach me!

- Jesse

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 29

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 8:13:10 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

I don't chase..I replace

GQ

(in reply to penitentialarts)

Post #: 30

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 9:00:08 AM

fluffypet61

Posts: 28879
Joined: 12/25/2006
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

i will initiate contact and flirt but will not chase.

_____________________________

fluffy

"an exuberant example of libido continuing along regardless of age" - Kia

"Commandment Number One for any truly civilized society is this: Let people be different." -David Grayson

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 31

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 9:53:21 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPZYQUEEN

I don't chase..I replace

GQ

ROFL! I'll never have that attitude in a million years, but that doesn't stop me from admiring it. :)

I agree with some of the people here who say there's a difference between chasing and making the first move. I'm an odd mixture of aggressive and shy, so while the shyness usually prevents me from making the first move (I DQ myself, with practically everyone), I have no trouble expressing extremely strong interest, submissively speaking of course, once that awkward initial step is out of the way. But if I see a profile online--and there are many like this--where the dom is demanding that submissives approach him first, I always quickly move past it. The attitude (that he's "too good" to express interest in anyone else) is a huge turn-off, even when I suspect it means he's just too shy/scared to approach anyone else first. A totally passive dominant who claims to be looking for a submissive but who doesn't hunt just doesn't seem particularly dominant to me.

There's also a difference between chasing and hunting. Chasing implies an active pursuit of something that is running away from you as fast as it can go. I don't think most people would find the emotional equivelent of that very satisfying. I think bdsm hunting, like real hunting, involves a lot of sitting around and quietly waiting. It may involve laying out lures or attractions to provoke nibbles. Women excel at that sort of hunting but some men do it well, too. But at some point, the patient waiting stops and there is a pounce, a flurry, maybe a struggle, and then it's over. I think in a relationship where the roles are clearly defined, most of this hunting is done by the dom. You're waiting for the rabbit to feel comfortable enough to hop over to you, within easy reach, to be so unconcerned with your presence that it even eats food from your hand. And then one day, when it is least suspecting, you quicky grab it and...

Take it home, teach it to use a litter box and follow you around the house? :p

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 32

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 9:54:19 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I don't like the whole chasing thing---it denotes to Me, way too much way too fast---I like to be contacted as that may be the only way something will happen---but I have to be very direct---I don't live online and some days after beng on the phone for My job for 14 hours speaking with as many countries, I am not interested in being on the phone. So one will find probably more inconsisency from Me than desired--and if things get too heavy too fast---I'm a gone pecan as they say.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 33

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 10:14:20 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

Chase or be chased has been a question for me for a long time. I've gone both directions (yep, the switch things crosses over) at various times and with various results. Online, I prefer to be contacted instead of doing the contacting. If I feel there's any kind of a mutual interest after emailing/phone calls...I will assertively (not aggressively) go forward with arranging a meeting and whatnot. The older I get...the less I enjoy the whole "pussy-footing around" some people do.

In person, I can go two different directions (switch?)...one being quiet and wanting to just study the person before making an approach, which ironically some see as shy, or two, I let my gregarious personality out to play and just have fun with drawing a person into my sandbox to play. So much depends on the vibe I get from that person along with other factors.
Once the ball is rolling, though, I expect just as much chasing from the other person.

On a side note....this whole switch-thing is an interesting label for me and one that works quite well. I've gone the sub route and discovered...well, I'm really not

...more a domme/top with bottom tendencies. I've been told by male doms that I'm too aggressive (?) to be a sub which has always made me question their personalites/perceptions/influences. I think what matters more than doing what a dom/me or a sub SHOULD do is that I do what feels right and appropriate for me, regardless of the label and baggage that can come with it.

Of course, I'm both a Gemini and a Switch....I like to keep 'em guessing!

edited for spelling because I haven't had coffee yet!

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 5/17/2009 10:48:24 AM >

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 34

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 10:40:13 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Fast Reply to the OP: Innaresting question. For me it's a matter of call and response. Any time I've formed a successful relationship with someone, it was because we could both sustain the interest in the eary stages. I didn't have to be the only one who ever called, who ever wrote an email, who ever made an effort to saunter up at a public gathering to start a conversation or found a reason to see someone.

I am not a passive person, sitting around waiting for the right man to buzz up to me like a queen bee, but I also cannot be the only person in a relationship with any drive, initiative or interest. I don't find passive, inert people very attractive or fulfilling.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 35

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 10:46:35 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Either way doesn't matter. But then, I don't consider it a chase. I see it as two people getting to know one another before getting down to the more interesting part. Whether or not I make the first move isn't important.

I don't consider it a chase, either; although in one instance, a long time ago, I really did pursue. It was like laying seige to a medieval castle. A protracted campaign, in which I eventually succeeded, and it was a good relationship, but I see no need to do that again.

Basically, I do just consider it two people getting to know one another. If it turns out there's some chemistry there, then it's a bingo.

Nowadays, I have some more idiosyncratic kinds of things that I want in a relationship, so I don't expect to just find someone with similar interests out somewhere at random.

Especially because I'm not terribly social these days.

Thus, I make ads that spell out what I'm looking for, hoping to attract someone who's similarly inclined.

Now as far as that goes, I don't read ads from females looking for men, I only write my own ads seeking women.

So, I'm not sure if that would be considered "chasing"...I sorta think not.

It sounds so dry, but it's pretty much the best thing I've been able to come up with, and I have found that with patience come some good results occasionally.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 36

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 11:12:54 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Usually the guy makes the first move, but I've contacted a couple of men here, when their profile caught my eye on the login screen. Once I've gone on a date or two, I sometimes initiate dates, but I do expect them to make an effort to stay in touch with me, rather than me doing all the work. Ideally, I think both people want to spend time together and communicate with each other, and both put in an effort to do so. Not "being still," but moving in the same direction at the same pace, perhaps?

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 37

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 11:31:19 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Do tops prefer to chase their desired ones, or do they prefer to be chased by eager bottoms?

Kia, I haven't seen you around for a while...I am having a party you might enjoy at Cat's at the end of the month, FYI, its a Sadist Hawkins party.

Anyway. fuck if I know how to do it. I have been persued, I have persued, I don't care HOW it happens, only that it does. I tend to get hit on fairly often and I can't remember a time when it bugged me or even if an approach was "bad" and turned me off to the woman because she had asked.

I think that more often than not, the ones who get all pissy about someone hitting on them are actually playing a game. By being offended, you often evoke a submissive's desire to "make it all better" and voila, fresh meat. Sort of a slightly more sophisticated version of "on your knees slut."

Since the women I find desirable are quite uncommon in the scene, if I notice one locally, I tend to pursue them, but very indirectly. I ask around about them, I find reasons to attend the same functions, and I do my best to simply get to know them socially, without hitting on them. So many are used to leg humping dominants that not trying to hit them over the head and drag them off seems to work much better. Then later, after they see you as someone outside the norm, THEN you can hit them over the head and drag them off.

Of course, I am still single so perhaps that isn't the way either! LOL

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 38

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 11:45:31 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Either way doesn't matter. But then, I don't consider it a chase. I see it as two people getting to know one another before getting down to the more interesting part. Whether or not I make the first move isn't important.

I don't consider it a chase, either; although in one instance, a long time ago, I really did pursue. It was like laying seige to a medieval castle. A protracted campaign, in which I eventually succeeded, and it was a good relationship, but I see no need to do that again.

Fucked if I'm running 'round with flowers and promises. I'm more than happy to make it known to a women that I like her and I think we could get in like a house on fire, but I have better things to do with my time than play hide and seek. I don't like games - you're in or you're out.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 39

RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together? - 5/17/2009 2:50:05 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I don't like to chase or be chased.

I simply like for us to get to know each other, have lunch, dinner, coffee, whatever...go out on dates, see if we're compatible and if we are we continue to date and be together and see where it goes.

I just don't have the energy or motivation for the cat/mouse game anymore.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Chase, Chased, or Be Still Together?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094